countrygirl2014

Let me talk this out a minute, please, bear with me.

I am tired of thinking of myself. I am tired of working on myself. I am tired of me.

I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I don't have anything to give back. Is this the way early sobriety is supposed to feel?

I honestly think my sponsor is in AA for social reasons, i know, it's not my place to judge, but I have a journal I keep for step work and I am only on step one but it was a very honest question and answer thing. She looked weird when she read it. Like she learned something about a world she has never been to. From what I understand she quit drinking 30 years ago at age 21 due to a health condition. And she says she wasn't a heavy drinker. The look on her face when she read it made me feel like there was something so wrong with me, not even AA could fix it.
Anyway, now I'm thinking I'm crazy and I am angry with everything. When do I stop thinking about me so flipping much? Is this normal behavior for a newcomer?

Jennifer

resolute50

AA really can't fix anything, but YOU can with their help.
There's nothing crazy about you. I'm not really all too familiar with AA. But if your sponsor is not really all that knowledgeable about alcoholism than maybe you can try somebody else.
And there's nothing wrong with having the project(you) on your mind.
After all you're making a BIG change in your life.

Dee74

I obsessed about drinking...then I obsessed with recovery...

about 3 months I found a kind of peace...things became natural...I started to focus on the journey not the destination...

I think it's all very normal CG...

D

trachemys

When it gets crazy that way, I come here and do what I can to help others.

Ruby2

Yes, I think it is normal. So much focus on me and recovery and getting and staying sober really got wearing after a while. I was exhausted sick and tired of it. It was then that I was at my most vulnerable for relapse. I had to force myself through it. Really force myself. I made myself come on here and read more. I went to more AA meetings. I got through it. It seems counterintuitive to do even more but when I cut back and did less It didn't make me feel any better and I relapsed. The first time I got serious about quitting I slacked. That was when I relapsed. Remember what everyone says on here? Rework your plan if that one doesn't work? That was when I buckled down and did more when I felt like doing less. I've lasted longer sober this time by doing that.

As for your sponsor, I would ask her about it. I had a woman who was acting as a temporary sponsor who came to mind when I read what you wrote. Over 20 years sober but was very, um, social. Can you distinguish whether the discomfort you are feeling is actually her reaction or something you are perceiving because you are uncomfortable with what you wrote?

Hang in there. That horrible discomfort and exhaustion passed after a while. I just had to be patient and push through.

Rina

I am learning feeling totally crazy is extremely common for those of us in early recovery. I'm working on my 4th step and I have been very resentful of my sponsor. I didn't think she understood me at all but the more I listen to what she says and follow her instructions the more I am beginning to comprehend what recovery is and the spiritual part of it. The more meetings I go to and listen I can feel my perception slowly changing. One lady said its like learning a foreign language. Another lady today said that if u don't like ur sponsor and your angry about everything your in the right place. I vasilate between being grateful for AA and being extremely irritated with the whole thing. So I must be in the right place! For a while, I thought I had the wrong sponsor but the more I share with her and build a real and lasting relationship with her, the more I am hearing her story and realizing we are very similar and that she has a lot of wisdom. It's so hard to trust-isn't it?

finallyimfree

I guess it is normal, you are just exhausted. Have some time for yourself, do something that you like or love (not drinking). Youll think much clearer after you are calmed down.

countrygirl2014

I feel a little better after reading these responses.

I AM disgusted with my answers from that worksheet. But not embarrassed. Maybe not embarrassed.
I am going to fess up right now cuz I think I am supposed to. I called my sponsor. She said let me call you back. She didn't. Now i have a resentment. Here is what I have done wrong.
1. Looking at the phone number list and not actually calling does not count.
2. Calling the numbers and either hanging up after one ring or hanging up on the voice mail doesn't count either.
3. I have not given my sponsor any bit of a fair shot. I would rather throw my arms up in disgust and blame all my issues on her not answering (see above)
4. The one time she did answer she told me she would call me back and she didn't. Not on JENS time. Which should have been 10 minutes in my world. Jen's time. It's allll about instant gratification for Jen.
There. I feel better. Now if I can screen shot this or remember maybe I can sit with her a minute tomorrow and get this off my chest. I only feel good when I do the right things. Making my sponsor the enemy is not the problem. That's JENS old way and I need to fix that. I. I need to fix that. No one else.

Jennifer

wehav2day

Oh yeah, totally normal. All kinds of crap comes to the surface. You wade through it. And if you don't drink, after a while it won't keep slushing back at you.

As for your sponsor, is this a new one or the same? I'm glad you are going honestly into stepwork, that's awesome. I didn't even know about a worksheet for one. Cool. Step one took me a few tries, unfortunately. I thought I fully understood my powerlessness, but I was really just bummed out about not being able to drink. A couple relapses later, it clicked.

You are doing very well!

countrygirl2014

I found the worksheet on line. I learned to stop if you start getting really mad, and you will. And don't try and do like 3 steps in one day. The questions in the higher up steps uncovered some nasty ugly truth and I relapsed after 2 weeks. I thought I could do it myself. HA!
But it really wraps your brain around the situation when you write it out. Those times you thought you were having fun wind up being ugly and seeing it on paper is a real eye opener.
Oop and yes this is my same sponsor

Jennifer

wehav2day

Wow Jen, that was a cool post.

Yes we alkies tend to want to be better RIGHT NOW. Recovery is a process. We get little bumps of quick growth, those are awesome, but it's really about the long haul.
Cool that you recognized you haven't given her a fair shake... But don't beat yourself up. You are doing great.

Don't worry about your resentments yet, that's step 4 .

Fly N Buy

For me, the prayer of St. Francis helps get me out of self. It is part of my daily meditation and prayer.....

You are doing great!! Keep working, and as Dee posted - balance. I have the same problem.....

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying of self that we are born again to eternal life.

Kind Regards,
FlyN

desypete

that does it for me aswell that st francis prayer, i dont believe in a god but i do believe in that prayer but i look at it rather like a set of instructions that i must try to follow rather than praying to something that will make me live that way

my daily living today is how i can i help someone rather than what is today going to give me

it takes time and practice daily to get started in this way of living for me and i will never ever be perfect at it all and i will still have my moments were i try to get my own way at times but the pain of living that way brings me back to how i should be trying to live

if that makes any sence ?

so if you want to be free of your selfish way you will have to work at it daily trying to do things to help other people
it could be texting your mum dad brother loved ones or friends just to see how there doing today and if you can do anything to help them ?

if your anything like me it would be the last thing i would do as they should be the ones texting me and seeing if i need there help : )

thats how come i am the one who needs to change my ways as its not about me anymore or i try not to let it be that way i should say

JanieJ

We sang that as a hymn when I was a child, Fly. Slightly different words, "make me a channel of your peace".

countrygirl2014

That does make sense. And the prayer makes sense. When I actually start my day later I am going to get my mindset in this pattern. I will ask my higher power for help. I will try and be quiet today and listen more instead of "me" talk. And I will try very hard to reach out to one person today and see if I can help them.

Thankyou everybody. I truly appreciate you guys helping me work through this.

Jennifer

luvmygirls

Thank you for posting this! I think I would have totally dismissed your sponsor as someone who could not possibly understand ME (mememe, right?) or MY drinking, because her experience is so minor in comparison. But while we are experts in drinking, someone like your sponsor could be extremely helpful because she is more experienced with recovery. I guess it's kind of like a therapist who is well-educated and trained, but doesn't have to have experienced everything their patients did. Food for thought...

FreeOwl

Step work brings up a lot.

Step one, if we are thorough and honest, really can create a lot of fear and anxiety and discomfort.

It sounds to me like you're on the right trAck.

Keep at it, set your pride and expectations aside and give the process a chance.

Remember your sponsor is not a sage, a preacher, or perfect: only one of us who is there to share experience strength and hope and who claims only progress not perfection.

Our sponsors are recovering too. We are all only human.

Ruby2

Hi CG, thanks again for this post. I too expected immediate call back and stared at the phone list instead of calling and hung up if I got no answer. I felt the same way you did but you said it better.

Now I have to find that worksheet. I don't currently have a sponsor but have a couple of people in mind. I never have worked the steps because I felt somehow it was demeaning if that makes sense but now a year in I've realized that it really is coaching and guided learning into different ways of living. The prayer of St. Francis really says it all. Thank you for that Flynby.

Again CG thanks. This post has helped me a lot.

Soberwolf

Great advice and prayers

Well done CG

Fly N Buy

Yesterday an SR friend posted this on a thread...... I agree, and it's a good reminder

The still suffering alcoholic is not always the new guy.