fini

Jeni,
great that you can see what you're doing, where you're thinking of going, and how you're setting it up to sabotage yourself.

one of my handouts from a long time ago spoke about mooring lines, and keeping them intact as anchors to prevent relapse drift.
looks like you're doing just that!

any idea what appeals about drinking again?

you don't have to go down that road. at all.

Jeni26

Thank you all for your posts. I think I've been through a dark time just lately. Lots of changes and a bereavement. Everything seems like hard work. I'm on a higher dose of antidepressant than I've ever been before and I feel disconnected and alone. Maybe that's the drugs or maybe it's just a symptom of depression.

I can still feel snatches of happiness, my daughter is coming home from university this weekend and we are going to decorate the Christmas tree and go shopping. I'm looking forward to that.

First Christmas without my Dad coming up, and I know it will be a hard one for my Mum. I have been trying to be strong and supportive to her and make it as easy as it can be.

I guess I just want a break from reality for a while. I'm just so tired.

Dee74

I spent a good part of my life wanting a break from reality. I can't say I gained much from that experience Jeni.

But, living life, even with its sadness and pain sometimes, is a marvellous thing...engaging with life is a growth experience like no other.

I may gripe from time to time, I may feel afraid, or tired, or pissed off...but I never want to miss another day. Ever.

Give your meds time to bed in Jeni. You've been through a lot. You're experiencing an absolutely normal reaction, I think.

Just promise you'll check in here before making any momentous decisions, ok?

D

JanieJ

Good to meet you Jeni.

I am 47 days sober after 38 years of drinking. My life has just started over. Long time soberists like you are my inspiration to keep going.

Hope you stay well through this difficult time xx

Weasel1966

toy

tomsteve

Jeni!!!! I'm glad ya see yer thinking for what it is. You remember that that drink will only be a temporary solution!
Suggestion- grab yer big book and turn to page 84 and start reading at the last paragraph. Continue to page 87 end of first full paragraph.

Dont know if you remember but last yer my mom passed away in September and that first holiday season was very hard for me. 46 years being my mom and the last 11 living with me while I was her caregiver...yeah, them firsts without her here was very difficult, which led me to a wee bit of a resentment at the last 2 sentences on page 164!!!
I don't like trudging!!!!!!!!
But I didn't do it alone. And one of the best things I did, as you are doing, is recognizing my feelings and emotions. Then not stuffing them. Letting it out and knowing it was ok to have feelings.
Jeni, you have made remarkable progress!!!!! It may seem like a 2 craploads of stuff going on, but here's what I believe-
First off youve been facing a LOT!!! YOU'VE BEEN FACING IT!!!!!! That there is an inspiration to me and many others!!!!! Why you have to do that?? Well, IMO, God had things in my life happen and I had to face and learn from because in the future He will put someone in my path to help with what I learned. And I believe HE is doing the same for you.
You may feel like you want a break from reality, but who or what is really saying that?? That's not the jeni I know saying that.
Sobriety can be a bugger and it reads like ya got a lot on yer mind. Here's something I suggest-
Start at step one.

Prayers Out for you!!!!!
And awesome to see you back!!!
Now I feel bad as I haven't thought about you in a while and you have helped me through some difficult times.
THANK YOU!!!!!!

sprout50

Jeni, Nice to meet you. Glad to see you reconnecting here. Reconnecting with your sponsee and FB page would be good too.

Seems like you have been through a lot and the holidays are a rough time for many people. Can you talk to your Dr. about your anti-depressant meds?

Hang on to the time you are going to have with your daughter. Although this first Christmas without your dad may be difficult, you do have your daughter.

Soberwolf

Hi Jeni ive just lost someone too and i lost my mum when i was 27 that was 5 years ago

if you ever want to talk rant chat you can send a pm

its really nice to meet you Jeni

SW

Nowsthetime

Hi: you came here and posted, you know what is going on And you came here for help. I commend you on that. You have come a LONG way and you have the power and strength to keep going. Keep your eyes on the prize darling. We are here for you!!!

LadyinBC

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers I am sorry you are struggling. You know you can get thru this, you have before. Go back and read your story .

Please check in later to let us know how you are doing.

fini

yes, of course you're tired. grief is exhausting. at least i found it so. and when you're trying to be there for your mother, maybe you're not "getting" support for your own.
Jeni, when we're tired, we need rest.
we need rest, not drink.

sounds simplistic, i guess, but drink and the stuff associated, the thinking about it, the considering, the struggling not to: all MORE exhausting.

wiping the option off the table entirely frees up mind-space and energy and possibility.

so glad to see you re-connecting here.

Saskia

(((Jeni)))!!!!!!!!!!

You have been through many changes this year. Even good changes provide cumulative stress. Just what I know about: your dad's illness and death, reconnecting with your mum, new job, daughter off to uni. That's a load of changes!

So part of you wants to escape again. Unfortunately, as you know, alcohol doesn't work all that well. What I learned in my program is that when we are pre-planning drinking, we need to go into high gear and probably the most important is what you are doing right now - reaching out to sober friends!

Think about the unvarnished truth about how you felt about what drinking did to you and how much effort you put into becoming and staying sober. Don't romanticize drinking - see it for what it really is - the ugly beast we call the AV!

I know you can do this! We love you, Jeni!

Hevyn

Thinking of you Jeni - hope you're feeling a bit better.

venuscat

Jeni my love ~ I haven't read through the thread yet....but I am here for you my friend.

V xx ♥

Duffster

Hi Jeni -- so glad you are posting this!!! Hang on to SR and we'll help you through this. 914 days is amazing - do you really want to have to start all over again? I've found that "escaping" through alcohol is never really an escape because some day you have to wake up and it all comes rushing back in spades.

venuscat

^^^ This. In spades.

I love you. You have many friends here who care Jen.
We will be with you every step of the way here.
I know you can find the sunshine again.

S xx

Jeni26

Thank you all. I was thinking about SR as I drove home from work yesterday, about all those I started my journey with years ago. I'm still in touch with some of them although they no longer post here. Some I know have gone back to drinking, and some are living happy sober lives. I was so full of determination and drive in the early days. I would have done anything to avoid drinking. I have lost that energy somewhere. It wasn't easy to get sober but the thought of going back to drinking was enough to propel me through the changes I needed to make, and they have been huge.

I've got another transition to make at Christmas. New job. I've been at my current one for 12 years and I have put so much into that place, in many ways I feel a great deal of sadness to be leaving. But it's the right decision, this one is much closer to home and I will be more available to support my Mum.

I know this sounds strange, but I feel as that door closes, it shuts on a huge chapter of my life, and that might include my sobriety. I don't know why the job and sobriety are so closely linked for me. I was a drunk when I was there, and then I got sober. My reputation for being the outrageous one at work functions continues to follow me to this day. Yes...I was the one who danced on the tables, gave other men her phone number and often ended up in hospital through falling and hurting myself. When I stopped drinking, many people were disappointed. I think I provided the entertainment value. Sober, I have had a number of promotions and now hold a senior management position.

And so I move on to a place where nobody knows me. I can be who I choose to be. I'm not saying I want to be the drunk again, but people liked me like that. I am naturally a quiet almost antisocial person. It takes a lot of effort for me to be social and I hate chitchat unless I'm really good friends with a person.

SR, AA and my recovery support people were part of my past...new year, lots of changes. I can walk away and start again. And right now I'm not sure whether I want alcohol to be part of that future. Re-set the clock. Drink socially again. I have the knowledge and self-awareness now to stop it becoming such a problem again. Haven't i??

venuscat

Jen ~ I don't know if you know this, but I relapsed.
For around 6 weeks I lived in hell. I DID not think I was coming back...I did not even know if I was going to survive.

Do you really think social drinking is possible for us love? Would it not just take you back into that horrible place where we hate ourselves, and become so terribly lost?

Would you be able to be there for your mum?
Would you succeed in your new job?

I don't want you to suffer the way I did.

I love you,

S xx

mecanix

Jeni ,
Remember your last relapse sweetheart … how swiftly it came undone . So you got a new job and a lot of changes happening ?? Well i'd not want to change my sobriety whilst i had stuff like that going on .

I hear a lot of fear and anxiety over stuff that hasn't happened yet and is unknown , projecting yourself into the future and assuming how your going to feel or cope .

Are you living in the moment ? Learning to take life one day at a time , as it's served up ?

All i hear in your last post is pure AV specifically the line i've quoted . I've got twenty years or proof, wasted life and opportunities missed to show i'm never going to be a "social drinker" .

There is no magic wand that turns alcohol into something good , why would i want to risk this glorious sober life anyhow ?

Bestwishes, m

Dee74

Not a lot of depth to a life like that. A lot of fakery and BS too.

I tried to fit in with people who lived like that - but I'd known too much - I had too many scars, too many layers..so I ended up drinking even more to try & mitigate that too.

why send yourself back to a life like that where you'd always be trying to play a role and trying to mask what you really felt?

There's nowt wrong with starting over and fresh starts Jeni - but to return to something that nearly destroyed you isn't a fresh start - it's a descent back to hell.

The AV is really doing a number on you right now.
I really hope you see this - and decide to fight back.

D