Hawkeye13

It makes sense to me Jen.

I am a very different, much quieter person now that I don't drink.
No, no longer the life of the party.

Part of me wishes I could be that funny person even though I know
drunk I wasn't as funny as I remember by a long shot.

But accepting that I'm alcoholic means I accept the fact that I can't turn
a pickle back into a cucumber. I'm a pickle by my own past actions and that is just the fact of the matter.

Lately I too have had some fantasy notion that I might go to a local winery and do a tasting, then drink a glass with friends.
I miss using the palate I worked so hard to get, and now that it's no longer blunted by alcohol abuse, I can literally taste fine wine in my imagination.

But that is just the first slip down the slippery slope and well I know it. My AV is so very subtle, and frames in so carefully I almost think I thought of it. But I didn't. Not the me that counts.

Have some faith that the you sober is enough for those around you, and you are far more than your entertainment value.

I agree with others that your depression needs attention and more intensive treatment.
I am struggling with a lack of emotional response myself at the moment and I know this is triggering my craving to "moderate", to be engaged with others, and to just frickin' feel "normal" for awhile.

But if I follow the drink, drinks, drinking out to the end, I know the lot of it goes down a path I don't want to travel ever again.

wehav2day

(((((Jeni26)))))

Love you, buddy.

MIRecovery

Cunning baffling and powerful without help it is too much for us but there is one who has all power may you find him now.

Sounds like you have already relapsed you just haven't drank yet.

Time to push the panic button

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time Jeni though good to read today's post that shows you are getting through this. I hope you stick around SR. sending you positive thoughts and good wishes.

MidnightBlue

Jeni, my friend!

Please, don't isolate yourself.

You know too well that it is what addiction wants - to separate you from support.

You've been my dear friend all this time, even though we haven't been in touch a lot. You are still my badass pal.

Take one day at a time.

Lots of hugs to you.

Dee74

I hope you find that sense of self - the Jeni I know is pretty damn cool

D

Grungehead

I know this may be redundant but I will just add to the rest. I had 7 years of sobriety and for the last few months of that time I was isolated and drifting. I ended up drinking for one night. After a few more days I drank again. Eight years later I was suicidal because I couldn't live with or without alcohol. I'm glad you reached out -- it's something I didn't do during that few months between thinking about drinking and acting on it.

Just wanted to add Jeni that I suffer from chronic clinical depression and I suffer through a lot of dark days. I can honestly say that a dark day sober is better than a dark day drunk. Start working the program again and the dark days will be fewer and more tolerable.

Andante

Fear-based recovery didn’t work for me.

Panic had no role in getting me sober, nor has it had any role in keeping the "cunning, baffling, powerful" aspect of my alcoholism at bay.

Also, I've found it counterproductive to make judgments about other people’s sobriety, or their likelihood of relapse. All I can do is relate my own experience.

Saskia

I think that is the most sensible and appropriate way to look at it.