Thatdeliveryguy

You would think it hurts quit right, its becoming clear to me why people die of this habit, I am on borrowed time. Do I stop no, do I listen or take advice nope, why do I do it..... No clue! I guess I want life to go away and be in a drunk stupor 24 7.

What comes now, sobering up, which the anxiety sets in and the regret. Then a promise to never do this again ( right) the promise always follows. Then I do good a day or two 3 if I am feeling lucky. Then I drink and repeats the cycle.

I ask myself, are you serious about quitting, and in sober, safe, sane moments I think to myself yes! This is what we need Jeremy, then the neurotic addicted side of me goes, well you hate yourself, the family is going to leave you lost everything screw it bro lets drink.

I have strong compulsions to do things I don't want to do, I feel out of it and without control when it happens, so I drink. No damn wonder this habit kills, I completely understand.

Doing something you don't want to do, can't stand to do, but do because you don't know how to handle things otherwise.

Inpatient is what I need, am I going to go, I don't know my AV tells me screw it, lets drink and be merry and thats the most honest anyone can ever be.

ScottFromWI

The most honest you could be is to actually follow through with your promise to yourself and actually do what you know needs to be done. Admitting that you drank in a forum or meeting is honest, but in your case you are still lying to yourself. I hope you can do what needs to be done before you are forced into it against your own will or worse.

lostinthetrees

AV: "Let's drink and be merry."

LIE!

Take the advice of others, Jeremy - follow through with inpatient. You have a chance to end this cycle of torment. Take it.

Thepatman

If inpatient is an option for you, just go dude. I am getting pissed of a bit.
You appear to enjoy the attention more than the support. Maybe it's time to grow up mate.

chicory

Jeremy, I am sorry for your pain, but also glad for your pain, in that seems to be what drives alcoholics to surrender.. to the fact that they are powerless.

Only then can that beautiful thing called HOPE come in.

chicory

[QUOTE=Thatdeliveryguy;5034641]


Doing something you don't want to do, can't stand to do, but do because you don't know how to handle things otherwise.


You cannot do this alone, Jeremy. Can you see that yet?

When are you going to surrender, and let your HP handle this?

I hate to think that you are not miserable enough yet, and hope you can cut your losses now. Go inpatient, ASAP.

Aellyce

Sorry that you drank and are suffering again. My suggestion is that when you go to outpatient tomorrow, tell them that you drank again and you are unable to stay sober longer than a couple days. Maybe that would speed up the inpatient wait time a bit. You really need that, Jeremy. I don't think there are other viable options left at this point. I really hope that will happen soon!

Thatdeliveryguy

" Enjoy the attention more than the support" if its attention I wanted I could find it other places, this my friend is an addict that literally live blogs his life. If I never got a response its my way of posting to the world.

I give a running live blog of my feelings everything good bad or indifferent, i can guarantee these are my authentic and real thoughts. I don't know, I type to ether lots of times. Believe me many of my post go unanswered, and I am fine with that, should I ever get better I want that record to exist. Even if I get worse, I want that record to exist.

So for me, I post everything, anything, and what ever I think no matter what period. Not what some do I am sure, but for me its a way keeping track of what, when, where I am, nobody has to respond. I don't have to post, if I do post you don't have to respond. Its easy, get it?

Ellay

Hi Jeremy. You seem like you have decided to continue in your cycle, which is really too bad. I remember reading when I first came on here a few months ago how determined you sounded, that you were getting help. I was so excited for you. I was hoping that you would be able to see your daughter. What I am now reading is someone who knows the lingo, ie "AV , relapse, inpatient, outpatient , sober, sane, insane " etc etc and is just stringing them together and doing nothing to have them make sense. IF you want to be sober, you need to work at it. Self pity will get you nowhere in life, I think you are starting to realize that. If you have the chance to get healthy, why on earth are you not taking it? Who isn't scared of the unknown? You know what your life is like now, and the scary part is changing it.

neferkamichael

Jeremy, the satisfaction that the chemicals temporarily provides is so powerful and good that your brain is going to force you to go back to them to ease the pain of life. Please never give up, you'll do it, rootin for ya.

biminiblue

Well at least you still have internet.

Notimetoloose

Tdg..."we are what we think", "as the man thinketh" Jeremy, stop letting the addict in you get what it wants...."What You Seek is Seeking You" let it find you, open up to the support
The support which is waiting for you and let someone else do the thinking for a while, just a while, just time to recover, a timeout from it all...it will be a good thing.

Fishinainteasy

Why not ask the doctor about help he can provide right now. You got any walk in clinics available today?

tomsteve

Something I caught in another of your threads is saying ,"these forums Exist for people that really want it." that somewhat tells me you aren't really wanting to get sober. It doesn't seem like your willing to fight for it.
Onto the attention seeking thing.
You have a running blog..seems to me if youWeren't seeking attention in some form you would be putting it al on paper.
So, saying what you want when you want,sharing your emotions and feelings with the world, having a running blog and all that....
Hasn't worked.

Jeremy, it's your life. I know know a LOT of poeple with emotional and mental disorders who are sober today. One thing in common with them and many others is they stopped making excuses and took accountability and responsibility for their recovery. They got into action and trudged though everything doing what they had to do to get and stay sober. Getting sober isn't easy. Hardest thing I ever did.
Staying sober has been easy.

Soberwolf

Hi Jeremy make the call for inpatient it will increase your chance of recovery ten fold

Pls just make the call brother

Good luck J

FreeOwl

Check yourself in man. This doesn't have to continue.

Ultramarathoner

I've followed your plight since August and watched people on the board reach back to you with love and advice, over and over, in many, many forms.

People new to your circumstances give unconditial support ("get back up! we can do this together!"). People not as new to your circumstances sometimes get frustrated ("we love you, you know what to do, please take action!").

It's clear that nobody here is going to give up on you.

My fear is that you're beginng to give up on yourself. It hurts me to see that.

You posted about legacies last week. Give some thought to what your legacy is now, and what you'd like it to be. You can write such a powerful story.

Anna

Please remember to use the Ignore function if you are bothered by the thread.

foolsgold66

Inpatient Rehab.

2muchpain

It might be helpful if you read over your threads for the past several months. Maybe then you might understand some of the frustration you sense from some of the latest posts. Also try to remember that the only reason people are a little frustrated is because they care about you and are really trying to help you.
You sound like an intelligent person, so you know how things will turn out if you keep drinking. That's a guarantee, and you know it.
It sounds like you have several options to help avoid this, but your ambivalent about using them. I know everybody is different, but I just don't understand why you hesitate going inpatient when you know what the outcome will be if you don't.