Cathryn2001

You have not tainted my perception, either. It's not my place to judge anyone else's behaviors--I have certainly committed my own share of transgressions. I also think it was really brave of you to post--I hope you stay to receive all of the support you deserve! Thinking of you!

FreeOwl

just wanted to weigh in about judgement.

If my comments felt like a judgement of your person... or in some way inappropriate I want to apologize.

You shared some very scary behavior and I intended to characterize the gravity of that behavior to get your attention.... not to judge YOU as a person. I too have committed inexcusable behavior.

But... I'm still curious. I asked you a question..... you never answered...

Duffster

Oh Amanda, you certainly haven't tainted my impression of you! I have done some pretty horrific things drunk and just can't judge anyone. I have two little boys ages 4 and 5 and they are the reason I am here and sober. I honestly can't say I wouldn't do the same thing you did if I were still drinking.

For their sake and for yours I hope this is your wakeup call. Please stick close to SR and I hope you don't feel like you have to change your identity. I think it's very brave of you to share with us.

tommyinphilly

Amanda, I have driven my daughter's around drunk many times. It's my greatest shame. I can't believe anyone is judging you. You are no worse than anyone here. It's why the forum works

Hawks

I left my 4 kids (10,7,5 & 3) at home quite a few times & did the round trip to the bottle store.

I'm not proud but I'm not ashamed either .... its just another dumb thing I did whilst an alcoholic in flight.

I plead insanity ....... & that is exactly what it is when an alcoholic commences to drink of a night with their kids in the house & that is precisely what it is when we leave our kids at home to go get more booze.

If you were sane ie: didn't commence drinking & weren't drunk ....... you wouldn't have done it & neither would I have.

Elodie

No judgments Amanda - most of us have done things drunk we'd never do sober.

That being said, the time for planning or considering has passed. Now is the time to do something before something like this happens again. After nights of drinking, in the morning I was full of remorse and regret about things I did when I was drinking, but when I kept drinking, I kept doing those things. I know you are horrified by what you did, but if you don't make a commitment now to get help, this can happen again.

silentrun

Don't get sucked into that shame cycle. You did something stupid. That doesn't make you a stupid person. That was a first for you. This could be an example of the progression. Like someone else said you will find ways to rationalize it if you keep going. Posters being completely honest like you are helped me a lot when I first came here. They threw out some of what were my darkest secrets and made me feel not alone. I remember one guy admitting to peeing the bed. I was prepared to take that one to my grave.

amandaw

I do plan on doing whatever it takes. I'm currently on lockdown besides going to and from work (with no credit/debit cards). I have an appointment with my doctor (not until next week), and am still CONSIDERING AA. I know I need to make a commitment, but I've had AA experiences that have turned me off from it. I currently plan on being on here reading and posting when I'm home. I don't like to post on my phone, but read on there a lot. Your comments didn't offend. I still feel I deserve all I got (except for two comments that hit me in the gut). I know I have nothing set in stone as far as 90 in 90 or rehab, but I have been making phone calls and gathering information. Sunday's behavior was atypical, but a definite wake up call. I am trying! I promise.

FreeOwl

fair enough.

for what it's worth.... AA wasn't for me either.

until it was.

I hope that you'll open your heart and your mind and give it an honest shot.

You've only your life to gain and nothing to lose whatsoever.

VikingGF

One of the rewards of stopping drinking was the complete loss of the shame after unacceptable behavior- of which I had plenty. It must have been so hard for you to admit what you did here.

That's some strength you have there. Now, put it to work for good. It's evident you're trying, or you wouldn't be here. Sending you strength and support.

suki44883

((((amandaw))))

Dee74

I'm glad you're sticking around amanda

D

newhope01

By sharing this with you, I am by no means trying to pass judgement on you or make you feel bad. My only hope is to bring to your attention something that may be an issue in your current situation that has not been mentioned yet.

My mother is a poly substance abuser, particularly meth and alcohol. My father is primarily a meth addict but was a functional addict and worked long hours.

My mother would leave me alone a lot throughout the day when I was a child. I would become so incredibly lonely as I didnt know how to use the television and there was no one to talk too. I tried wandering outside to find someone to talk too but the door was too heavy to move even though I knew how to unlock it. One time our landlord (didnt know that at the time) came to the door and I was so excited someone came by, that I rushed to the door to unlock it so he could push it open. Thank god it was just our landlord looking for his rent money. I was scolded for that, but it didnt stop her from leaving me alone.

When I got hungry I would open the fridge and just stare at the food not knowing how to make anything to eat with the stuff I found. So, I drank maple syrup from a teacup from a playset I had. I pretended I was having a tea party with my imaginary friend.

The worst part was, that I knew why my mom or dad were not present; dad was working and mom was getting loaded. I remember thinking, "I wish she would stop doing that stuff dad yells at her about all the time. Maybe dad wouldnt yell if mom stopped." I hated it when she was drunk because she would be abusive or wouldn't wake up and I hated that smell of stale booze. So if I knew what my mom was doing, than your children may know too. It did affect my self-esteem.

Not sure how often or how long you leave them alone or if you drink around them at all but just wanted to share my experiences with you in hopes this type of childhood could be avoided for someone else. My other hope is that this may help push you into sobriety so your kids can have the mom they deserve and I am sure the mother you want to be.

Be well.

ETA:
I also wanted to say how courageous it is to admit things we are ashamed of. Being honest with ourselves and others is best thing we can do for ourselves.

LadyinBC

I can imagine that was a very hard post to write and share. But honestly, good for you. You might not believe this but out there, somewhere, someone is going to read that post and you are going to help them. You will make a light bulb go off in someone's head. That could be the post that changes someone else's life. If it even helps one person it was a post worth sharing.

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers Amanda.

Nuudawn

Ya know...I almost disagree with this statement.

Only because there was very little "you" in the choice.

It was ALL addiction. My addiction has shamed me repeatedly. I have said and done things I would NEVER do sober...ever.

Your actions are indicative of how much control the addiction has over you. Do whatever...absolutely everything possible to disempower the beast who is harming everything and everyone you love.

Do whatever you can to never pick up that first drink.