Snowbunting's Sobriety Journal
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Checking in on Day 41. My newest cat is missing 
(The one who made me laugh so much playing in the garden in the early posts of this journal). We'll be distributing posters tomorrow. I'm trying to be optimistic - he came to us as a stray in early September, so it's possible that he's simply found his way back to his original home. I hope nothing bad has happened to him. I *don't think* it has - he's been a roamer since we've known him. Want him back though!
I went for a great swim in the Olympic swimming pool today - my first time there. A 50 metre pool with no shallow end is a huge improvement on the dinky pool I usually swim in - I felt like a Proper Athlete, so I did
Last night we got around to re-watching The Double Life of Veronique, and it brought up some painful memories of tracing my father last year. Nevertheless, it is a beautiful film. Que still:
Tomorrow, as some of you know, I'm going to my first sober bar event because my husband is doing a stand-up comedy gig. I can hear him rehearsing upstairs now. He'll be coming down soon to give me a premiere. It's weird that I'm at least 600% more nervous about it than he is!
Take care everyone
(The one who made me laugh so much playing in the garden in the early posts of this journal). We'll be distributing posters tomorrow. I'm trying to be optimistic - he came to us as a stray in early September, so it's possible that he's simply found his way back to his original home. I hope nothing bad has happened to him. I *don't think* it has - he's been a roamer since we've known him. Want him back though!I went for a great swim in the Olympic swimming pool today - my first time there. A 50 metre pool with no shallow end is a huge improvement on the dinky pool I usually swim in - I felt like a Proper Athlete, so I did
Last night we got around to re-watching The Double Life of Veronique, and it brought up some painful memories of tracing my father last year. Nevertheless, it is a beautiful film. Que still:
Tomorrow, as some of you know, I'm going to my first sober bar event because my husband is doing a stand-up comedy gig. I can hear him rehearsing upstairs now. He'll be coming down soon to give me a premiere. It's weird that I'm at least 600% more nervous about it than he is!
Take care everyone
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Day 44 and our cat is back! He had been missing a week, and woke us up early this morning wanting breakfast. He wasn't bedraggled and he promptly left again, which supported our theory that he has more than one family. Sure enough, later that day we get a phone call from his other family, to say he's taken up residence with them. They are very nice people who live on a nearby farm. We've agreed to share him between us. It's funny, he's always hungry and our nickname for him is 'Five Dinners' Hamish; their nickname for him is 'Six Dinners' Sid! He has other nicknames too of course. Like Sir Beef-steaks, and Captain Zapp Brannigan. I'm glad he's back, and that the mystery of his second home has been solved to everyone's satisfaction
We watched Goodbye Lenin last night. The premise of the film is great, but it has a few flaws. I also found certain elements personally upsetting - we can't seem to pick films that don't have tragic overlaps with my own story with my father There were also baby ultrasound scenes with I couldn't watch (infertile over here). Thing is, I was drinking all those feelings away throughout most of 2014; but last night, I felt upset, allowed and acknowledged the feeling, and had come out the other side by bedtime. When I drank my feelings away, it actually had the effect of making them last a lot longer than they would naturally. I was in fact prolonging my pain.
Here's a more amusing clip from the film through, a demolished Lenin statue floating gracefully over East Berlin. Stay sober everybody!
He had been missing a week, and woke us up early this morning wanting breakfast. He wasn't bedraggled and he promptly left again, which supported our theory that he has more than one family. Sure enough, later that day we get a phone call from his other family, to say he's taken up residence with them. They are very nice people who live on a nearby farm. We've agreed to share him between us. It's funny, he's always hungry and our nickname for him is 'Five Dinners' Hamish; their nickname for him is 'Six Dinners' Sid! He has other nicknames too of course. Like Sir Beef-steaks, and Captain Zapp Brannigan. I'm glad he's back, and that the mystery of his second home has been solved to everyone's satisfaction We watched Goodbye Lenin last night. The premise of the film is great, but it has a few flaws. I also found certain elements personally upsetting - we can't seem to pick films that don't have tragic overlaps with my own story with my father
There were also baby ultrasound scenes with I couldn't watch (infertile over here). Thing is, I was drinking all those feelings away throughout most of 2014; but last night, I felt upset, allowed and acknowledged the feeling, and had come out the other side by bedtime. When I drank my feelings away, it actually had the effect of making them last a lot longer than they would naturally. I was in fact prolonging my pain. Here's a more amusing clip from the film through, a demolished Lenin statue floating gracefully over East Berlin. Stay sober everybody!
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Day 48. Since last updating I've:
- climbed Creag Choinnich in Braemar, to see the awesome, breath-taking surround views of the Cairngorm mountains. Fun!
- baked my first vegan delicious blueberry and blackberry pie
- beavered away in the archive this morning, cataloguing some OLD and WONDERFUL curiosities
- arranged to go to my first ashtanga yoga class tomorrow morning in the next village
- bought a yoga mat and yoga pants in readiness
Life is getting better and better. Things that used to trigger me have less and less power over me - and the ones that do, I'm learning to just not think about them, to acknowledge that they happened / are happening, they cannot be changed, but I can change how much power I give them. I channel any negative energy into something else. I do exactly what drunk me would think was fake, preppy bullcrap. I have news for drunk me: there is nothing fake about wanting to live, and there is nothing preppy about choosing to.
This is the view we saw from Creag Choinnich on Sunday (not my photo). Be well everybody
- climbed Creag Choinnich in Braemar, to see the awesome, breath-taking surround views of the Cairngorm mountains. Fun!
- baked my first vegan delicious blueberry and blackberry pie
- beavered away in the archive this morning, cataloguing some OLD and WONDERFUL curiosities
- arranged to go to my first ashtanga yoga class tomorrow morning in the next village
- bought a yoga mat and yoga pants in readiness
Life is getting better and better. Things that used to trigger me have less and less power over me - and the ones that do, I'm learning to just not think about them, to acknowledge that they happened / are happening, they cannot be changed, but I can change how much power I give them. I channel any negative energy into something else. I do exactly what drunk me would think was fake, preppy bullcrap. I have news for drunk me: there is nothing fake about wanting to live, and there is nothing preppy about choosing to.
This is the view we saw from Creag Choinnich on Sunday (not my photo). Be well everybody
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Day 50 today, and officially 7 weeks sober 
I've been weirdly tired today, but happy. My muscles ache from my ashtanga yoga class yesterday - it was BRILLIANT though, I'm so glad I found it. I've always been quite flexible, but holding the postures is really building my strength, and it feels good. My instructor praised my memory - I was remembering everything she taught me, so was able to learn two sequences and three pairs of postures in my first class. There were only four others there, and they were all really good - I look forward to learning how to do all the things they were doing. I never could have done the things I did yesterday without sobriety.
I'm going swimming soon, hopefully it will ease some of the stiffness in my muscles.
I'm looking forward more and more to getting my Christmas on. 1st December, I'm baking a Christmas cake while dancing around, no question about it.
Keep trucking everybody!
I've been weirdly tired today, but happy. My muscles ache from my ashtanga yoga class yesterday - it was BRILLIANT though, I'm so glad I found it. I've always been quite flexible, but holding the postures is really building my strength, and it feels good. My instructor praised my memory - I was remembering everything she taught me, so was able to learn two sequences and three pairs of postures in my first class. There were only four others there, and they were all really good - I look forward to learning how to do all the things they were doing. I never could have done the things I did yesterday without sobriety.
I'm going swimming soon, hopefully it will ease some of the stiffness in my muscles.
I'm looking forward more and more to getting my Christmas on. 1st December, I'm baking a Christmas cake while dancing around, no question about it.
Keep trucking everybody!
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Thanks so much, you guys, I mean it 
I have exciting festive times planned for this weekend: this evening we're off to the next village for the turning on of the Christmas lights. There will be a bagpipes band, which always gives me chills, and it will be beautiful. Tomorrow we're off to a Victorian Christmas event at a castle north of here - the rooms will be full of people in Victorian dress demonstrating old crafts and singing old carols. The following is an accurate depiction of how I will be arriving at this event:
I have exciting festive times planned for this weekend: this evening we're off to the next village for the turning on of the Christmas lights. There will be a bagpipes band, which always gives me chills, and it will be beautiful. Tomorrow we're off to a Victorian Christmas event at a castle north of here - the rooms will be full of people in Victorian dress demonstrating old crafts and singing old carols. The following is an accurate depiction of how I will be arriving at this event:
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Day 55. Last weekend was great fun. On Sunday we rescued a pheasant with a broken leg, flapping desperately by the side of the road. I carried him to the car and we drove him to our favourite vegan farm sanctuary, where he is now convalescing. We named him Donald. Long live Donald.
I had a fertility appointment yesterday, where I was told that my IVF will be in January! Initially I was told it'd be in spring, so that's great news. I just hope I have enough proper sober time to be in optimum good health - I'll be roughly 3 and a half months sober when it's scheduled. I was told to come off my anti-anxiety medication before the IVF, and am doing so now. I hope I'll be all right. My husband and I discussed it, and if I start to become depressed and anxious again without the meds, I will just go back on them: simple.
I'm really looking forward to being sober this Christmas. Last Christmas was the roughest of my life: I was in deep mourning, and was relying solely on alcohol to get me through it. This Christmas is for me, my husband, our cats. Pain and craziness are not invited. It's going to be lovely
Happy December one and all!
I had a fertility appointment yesterday, where I was told that my IVF will be in January! Initially I was told it'd be in spring, so that's great news. I just hope I have enough proper sober time to be in optimum good health - I'll be roughly 3 and a half months sober when it's scheduled. I was told to come off my anti-anxiety medication before the IVF, and am doing so now. I hope I'll be all right. My husband and I discussed it, and if I start to become depressed and anxious again without the meds, I will just go back on them: simple.
I'm really looking forward to being sober this Christmas. Last Christmas was the roughest of my life: I was in deep mourning, and was relying solely on alcohol to get me through it. This Christmas is for me, my husband, our cats. Pain and craziness are not invited. It's going to be lovely
Happy December one and all!
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Thanks Dee!
Day 57. I'm 8 weeks sober today Yesterday I made my rich, gooey vegan Christmas cake, and loved all the Christmas smells and spices involved. I also watched the film Smashed, which has just been added to Netflix UK. I liked it - obviously it was frustrating that at no point did the film really mention what the protagonist was actively doing to keep sober, and the sexually creepy line her AA friend and colleague says to her is in no way funny or cute, which the film by the end had sort of tried to make it out to be; *but* I related strongly to the drunken experiences she was having at the beginning, and they were well filmed and realistic. It also made me very thankful that my husband is nothing like hers... I couldn't imagine being married to a drinker while trying to get sober. I'd feel like I was married to my disease. Anyone who can break free from drinking in that sort of environment is strength and courage personified.
The sun is shining on a crisp December morning. Time to go and feed the birds on the far side of the wood. Stay sober everybody
Day 57. I'm 8 weeks sober today
Yesterday I made my rich, gooey vegan Christmas cake, and loved all the Christmas smells and spices involved. I also watched the film Smashed, which has just been added to Netflix UK. I liked it - obviously it was frustrating that at no point did the film really mention what the protagonist was actively doing to keep sober, and the sexually creepy line her AA friend and colleague says to her is in no way funny or cute, which the film by the end had sort of tried to make it out to be; *but* I related strongly to the drunken experiences she was having at the beginning, and they were well filmed and realistic. It also made me very thankful that my husband is nothing like hers... I couldn't imagine being married to a drinker while trying to get sober. I'd feel like I was married to my disease. Anyone who can break free from drinking in that sort of environment is strength and courage personified. The sun is shining on a crisp December morning. Time to go and feed the birds on the far side of the wood. Stay sober everybody
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I'm 60 days sober today
In the last few days I've been feeling quite irritable and even tearful (unusual for me), which I think is a result of coming off my anti-depressants, along with being a bit overwhelmed about having IVF soon. It is strange to actually be feeling my feelings, and it takes some getting used to. Before, the slightest flicker of a negative emotion would lead me straight to the bottle. I'm not used to crying things out. I decided to cheer myself up by dying my hair with henna - I'm now a redhead
I also took a lovely winter walk in the woods yesterday, and that really cleared my mind. I've been neglecting my yoga a bit, but will be going to class on Thursday morning. And I'm starting acupuncture next Monday.
Something I've noticed lately is that, while I don't crave much anymore during the daytime hours, I'm constantly feeling pressure to drink in my dreams. I'm haunted by dreams in which the people around me are tipping me over the edge, until my nerves are screaming for drinks and cigarettes. I wake up feeling like I've done twelve rounds with a bear.
Perhaps my AV is trying to get a foothold in my subconscious, now that it's getting less and less attention while I'm awake. I often wake up physically afraid that I have been smoking and drinking (because I have in my dreams). I'm so fearful of going back to that, but there will always be a little part of me that wants it too - and I have to acknowledge that I suppose, and not deny its existence.
With the IVF coming up in late January / February, I've already been discussing with my husband my possible reactions to a negative result. The odds are against me, so failure is a very real possibility. My instinct *will* be to get smashed. So I am mentally training myself, two months in advance, to cope with whatever might happen. I suppose it's a good thing that I'm able to prepare for the possibility of future grief. Most grief takes us by surprise, and that's what's really dangerous.
I'm really pleased to be 60 days sober, and when I wake up on Thursday I get to award myself my 2 month chip. Things to be grateful for!
In the last few days I've been feeling quite irritable and even tearful (unusual for me), which I think is a result of coming off my anti-depressants, along with being a bit overwhelmed about having IVF soon. It is strange to actually be feeling my feelings, and it takes some getting used to. Before, the slightest flicker of a negative emotion would lead me straight to the bottle. I'm not used to crying things out. I decided to cheer myself up by dying my hair with henna - I'm now a redhead
I also took a lovely winter walk in the woods yesterday, and that really cleared my mind. I've been neglecting my yoga a bit, but will be going to class on Thursday morning. And I'm starting acupuncture next Monday. Something I've noticed lately is that, while I don't crave much anymore during the daytime hours, I'm constantly feeling pressure to drink in my dreams. I'm haunted by dreams in which the people around me are tipping me over the edge, until my nerves are screaming for drinks and cigarettes. I wake up feeling like I've done twelve rounds with a bear.
Perhaps my AV is trying to get a foothold in my subconscious, now that it's getting less and less attention while I'm awake. I often wake up physically afraid that I have been smoking and drinking (because I have in my dreams). I'm so fearful of going back to that, but there will always be a little part of me that wants it too - and I have to acknowledge that I suppose, and not deny its existence.
With the IVF coming up in late January / February, I've already been discussing with my husband my possible reactions to a negative result. The odds are against me, so failure is a very real possibility. My instinct *will* be to get smashed. So I am mentally training myself, two months in advance, to cope with whatever might happen. I suppose it's a good thing that I'm able to prepare for the possibility of future grief. Most grief takes us by surprise, and that's what's really dangerous.
I'm really pleased to be 60 days sober, and when I wake up on Thursday I get to award myself my 2 month chip. Things to be grateful for!
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Two months sober today I thought it was tomorrow, but realised that no, it's 10th December today, and my sobriety date is 10th October
It's snowing. I've been for a swim. Yesterday I cooked a Christmas roulade as a practice run for Christmas day. It tasted good. I'm learning my languages again, which feels excellent. I'm reading more. And last night we watched Les Quatre Cents Coups, a film I really love.
Stay sober everyone!
I thought it was tomorrow, but realised that no, it's 10th December today, and my sobriety date is 10th October It's snowing. I've been for a swim. Yesterday I cooked a Christmas roulade as a practice run for Christmas day. It tasted good. I'm learning my languages again, which feels excellent. I'm reading more. And last night we watched Les Quatre Cents Coups, a film I really love.
Stay sober everyone!
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