snowbunting

Day 16. I had a brief wobble this evening, thanks to a very strong trigger. Anything to do with my mother and the insane way she behaves triggers the hell out of me; I've binged so many times over it, it has become almost a reflex response to her (ahem) behavioural flare ups. But today I managed to deal with it, process it, and then make dinner. I had for a fleeting moment thought 'need wine', but I let that feeling wash over me and out the other side. I wanted to be sober, I wanted to feel alive tomorrow, I didn't want to give up my 15 days when I've been doing so well.

This week is also the fourth anniversary of my father's death. I didn't acknowledge it in any way, because I didn't want to risk the emotions and the urges that would come with it - I'm too new to this. But I will be planting an apple tree next year.

I read something today about how getting into healthy habits of self-care while times are relatively good makes you stronger and better able to take care of yourself when times are bad, and I definitely felt that today. If I had been white knuckling the last 15 days, I would have got drunk tonight. But instead I've been nurturing towards myself, and I've been finding things that relax me and things I enjoy. So tonight, instead of drinking, I've had dinner, and now plan to finish watching a film with my husband, then do some yoga, then go to bed.

Apart from the above, things have been going smoothly. I did the nerdiest thing I've ever done in my life today - went to a model railway exhibition! And bought some models! I also did more planting in my garden - I want to get as many things in the ground before the frosts begin. I think I did my last planting today until spring.

Yesterday we visited an amazing stone circle near our house, and walked through a lovely wood. The part of Scotland we live in is covered in ancient stone circles, which is convenient because I love discovering them, and going all hippyish and woo while standing inside them

Goodnight everybody. I hope you're all doing super well

jaynie04

SB…you are a wonderful writer. It is so inspiring to see a vibrant woman coming back into herself. I planted tulip bulbs this week (in Connecticut). It is the first fall in a long time that I was able to think ahead to the spring. I chose white and pink and very dark purple. I also planted white snowdrops and snakes head toward the front as they come up first.

It feels good to have my garden boots on again. There is something very comfortable in being in tune with the rhythms of nature. Thank you so much for sharing your journey!

Chifan7

Snowbunting, I love reading our posts. You make me want to get out and enjoy the small wonders. Keep up the good work. Anxiously awaiting your next entry.
It's obvious you are a writer!!

snowbunting

Thank you both so much

Janie - how weird, I chose white, pink, and very dark purple (Queen of the Night) tulips too! And snap on the snowdrops as well - I'm really looking forward to those. Like you, this is the first time in a long while I've cared enough to think ahead to next year. Do you feel that the natural rhythms of gardening strengthens your commitment to sobriety? I certainly feel that way. The future isn't scary - it's just somewhere my snowdrops will blossom.

Chifan, huge thanks, it means a lot. How are you doing now? Very well I hope.

So, it's the morning of Day 19 today. The clocks went back over the weekend, so I keep waking at 6 thinking it's 7, and it's weird having so much morning on my hands!

My day 17 was quiet - I baked banana bread, made granola, took a lovely walk in the woods, drank tea and read Walter Scott. Yesterday I was in the city all day. My amblings took me past several of the pubs into which, just a month ago, I would have dived 'to escape the rain' or 'just to read for a bit' or because 'it's real ale weather' or because I 'love the ambience'. The Illicit Still, Slain's Castle, the Prince of Wales, BrewDog, the Blue Lamp, Six Degrees North: their names stir in my brain. When I got home, my husband asked me if I had been tempted to go in and drink, and I was able to answer truthfully: no. The association is there, so I did think about and remember the times I would do that. I pictured the pubs' interiors as I passed by. But I didn't have to wrestle with the voice; I felt secure in my decision not to drink that day, and relieved that that option was well and truly off the table.

What I did instead: bought a book on Scottish literature for my husband, and read it in a cafe; went to a museum I'd never been to before, in and about the city's ancient prison (this felt appropriate for the time of year!); had a dietitian appointment; bought more stuff from my new favourite shop, Lush, and two lovely long black jumpers; drank herbal tea.

Today we have to perform a very sad task - we're picking up the urn and ashes of our cat Sam, who died in August. We'll be holding a little ceremony when we bring him home - reading some poems and playing some music - but if it gets too much I'm reserving the right to bail and do something else for a while. The day he died was terrible. I'm not going to insult him by drinking today though.

I'm keen not to become over-confident with sobriety, because I've been here before and have tripped up when the first bad thing happened. But at the same time, I'm allowing myself to enjoy this strange feeling of serenity that comes with taking alcohol off the table. Nothing is perfect all the time, but everything is, at least, very much better than it was.

snowbunting

Day 21. Halloween will be my three week soberversary! And I don't have a pumpkin to carve - the shops have run out I'm really hoping my husband will be able to pick one up in the city today. It's not Halloween without jack-o-lantern spookiness.

I've been feeling very tired for the last few days, I'm not really sure why. I'm getting decent amounts of sleep and eating well. Perhaps I'm just adjusting to the change in temperature. I'm still going on lots of charming, dreamy, orange-leafy walks, and my evenings are much more relaxed these days - always involving some combination of SR, a good book, Yogi tea, a bath, and yoga. Yesterday I was fairly irritable (possibly because of the aforementioned tiredness), but a bath soon put things right in the way that a bottle or two of wine and a pack of cigarettes most certainly wouldn't have. I'm still taking things slow and steady, and it really seems to be doing the trick.

Happy Halloween for tomorrow, everyone!

snowbunting

It's probably a good sign that I had to remind myself how many days I've been sober by checking a calendar. Turns out it's Day 23. And it was a good day - I went to see Ida, a Polish arthouse flim, at the cinema, and really enjoyed it - the cinematography was beautiful. Ida herself was a beautiful character - a trainee nun who learns she is Jewish - and well-acted. There was also an alcoholic aunt who meets a sad end. This is Ida -



I then heard a lunchtime concert in the art gallery. The piece itself was newly composed and a little slight, but the musicians were skillful, and it was a calming hour in fine surroundings.

In the last few days I've been getting down again about my infertility - seeing pregnant women and babies is physically painful to me. This is partly what led to my relapse last summer - I knew drinking would *in no way* help with my quest to get pregnant, but I just wanted to drink away the very intense feelings of loss and jealousy I was living with. I'm in a better place with it all now (I'm starting IVF in a few months, though my chances are slim), but occasionally it knocks me sideways and I just want to cry and cry. I will look after myself extra well tonight because of this. A lentil curry, followed by a movie with the pumpkin lit, and then a nice bubble bath before bed.

Stay strong, sane, and sober, everyone

snowbunting

Thank you to Anna for tweaking the title of my journal for me

Day 24 has been good: I planted an apple tree in my garden, in memory of my father. It looks lovely, and here's hoping it will bless us with lots of red juicy apples in the years to come.



The AV remains fairly dormant. Last night I had a horrible dream that my husband was leaving for a day trip and I was *terrified* that I was going to drink, because I *knew* that I was going to. In the dream, he cut short his day trip to be with me, and I didn't drink. But next weekend, he *is* going away, for two nights, to the south of England. That will be an enormous test of my strength, because for the last few years, his absence has been the #1 opportunity for a binge - a combination of 'no-one will know' and 'I hate myself when I'm alone, and drinking makes the time go away'.

I'm not going to drink next weekend. I will be alone, I will be scared, but I will keep myself busy. I will visit SR, and use this week to fill my toolbox to maximum capacity and plan my weekend out. I'm not going to drink next weekend because I deserve better than that.

snowbunting

Day 25 and feeling good. I did 2 and a half hours of exercise today An hour of yoga, and a long walk, taking in the different farms, hamlets and woods surrounding my house. I was thinking today for the first time in a long time about a writing project I want to do.

Things seem to be falling into place for me now that alcohol isn't in my life.

Dee74

Congrats on day 25 - and very best wishes with the IVF snowbunting - staying sober can only help that process I think

D

SoberLeigh

Love your journal, snowbunting. Hope all goes well with the IVF; I have IVF twin nieces!!!!!!

Ellay

I have really enjoyed reading your journey thus far ! Congratulations on so many sober days I just spent a small fortune at Lush yesterday too. Keep it up !

snowbunting

I so appreciate your comment guys, thanks so much

Day 27, and I wake up to horrible endometriosis pain (that time of the month), and have to call in sick to my Wednesday morning volunteer work. How annoying. This is the first morning since my first week of sobriety that I've woken up feeling bad though - most mornings these days are fresh and full of energy, and for that I'm very grateful.

Yesterday I actually put pen to paper (well, fingers to keyboard) and sketched out a little something for a writing project. I haven't done that for over a year. Alcohol took that particular ability and desire away from me. It is early days, and I'm not going to put pressure on myself (the way I used to) to write something brilliant and stylish at 1000 words a day etc etc: that way lies stress, perfectionism, burnout, and relapse. I'm finding my own pace, settling back into my own skin, and enjoying this new stage of sobriety - from pure self-care and laziness in very early sobriety, I'm moving onto the next phase. This phase still involves huge amounts of self-care and nurturing, but adds a hint of excitement with beginning to set myself small but rewarding tasks. I'm flexing my muscles

Tonight is Guy Fawkes night, bonfire night, whatever you want to call it, here in the UK. Our village fireworks display is in the park a few yards from my front door, so I'll be trotting down to watch it this evening.

Remember, remember, the 5th of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot...

Tbh the origins of this festival are horribly sectarian. But I enjoy the flashing lights

snowbunting

Well, I haven't updated here in almost a week, but I was busy on a special thread I made to help me through my first sober weekend without my husband. And I want to say an enormous THANK YOU, again, to everyone who helped me through that. It means the world to me that I'm on Day 33 today, rather than on Day 3/2/1/0...

It was lovely to see my husband again on Monday evening - we went for dinner, I had a delicious Japanese salad and some bang-on blueberry, carrot and ginger juice. I also stocked up on my self-care regime products from Lush. A month ago I'd never even set foot inside Lush before, but now the entire staff know me and chat to me like we're old friends. I joked to my husband that it's become like my replacement liquor store, and that maybe I'm a Lush junkie now It certainly has become an important part of my recovery plan, and that's no bad thing.



I have survived some quite triggering things since I got sober. Apart from the weekend alone, the anniversary of my father's death, collecting my beloved cat's ashes, and some challenging behaviour from my mother, another one was that my half-brother - who I've never met - wrote to me out of the blue last week. Last year, just before Christmas, I traced my father (my mother lied to me all my life, telling me that my father was dead). Tragically, I was too late and he had died in 2010, of cancer. I drank a lot in the following months, in my grief and anger and desperation. It's a complicated and very sad story, which I won't bore you with here. After Christmas I wrote to my three newly-discovered half-siblings introducing myself, but only one of them replied, and I assumed the other two didn't want to know me. I don't cope well with rejection, it felt like another loss. But my half-bro wrote to me last week, bursting with apology; he never received my original message because facebook dumped it in the wrong folder. We're slowly getting to know each other now; he's really nice. All of this brought up a lot of very sad and unpleasant memories initially, and the AV did make a few suggestions to me. But I didn't listen to it. I had a bath, ate something, and then calmly replied to my brother.

Today I'm going to buy some birdfeeders to put up around the edges of the wood, to help the birds this winter. I woke up with a strong desire to do this, having dreamed about rescuing a baby buzzard and feeding it mice that my cats brought in from the garden for it...

Eshgham

Your days are building up very very nicely!

JanieJ

Great journal, Snow. Today's post reminded me to top up my bird feeders this morning too.

Day 33 !! Well done, you

Daretodream

Congratulations on Day 33 - well done! I really enjoy reading your posts - you do have a flair for writing. I feel like I am reading letters from an old friend...if that makes any sense.

snowbunting

Thank you - I really appreciate it. I had a slight crisis of confidence earlier (involving petty jealousies of people I did my Master's with - seven years ago, for god's sake ), so I went for a horrible rage-jog in high wind. I hate running while I'm doing it, but I love the feeling of exhaustion and triumph I've got now that it's over

snowbunting

Day 35. Yesterday was good - interesting archive work, a vigorous swim, a soak in a bath that had actual chocolate drops in it, herby bean stew with couscous for dinner. I went to bed sleepy and pleased with myself.

I woke in a bad mood. I don't know why. And I've gone on to have one of those irritating days, where everything descends into a sneaky hate spiral

Not every sober day can be filled with confetti and unicorns. Inevitably, crappy days are going to happen for no reason. Small things build up, and (in my case) you receive several unwanted and intrusive communications from your mother in one morning, you stub your toe, you feel like a failure, the cats won't stop fighting, and in the cafe people are cooing over babies that would be younger than your own baby if you hadn't been dealt the infertility card.



Some yoga is definitely in order later, which is an activity on top of my list of How to Make Things That Suck Not Suck Quite So Hard. Other things on that list include chocolate drop baths, watching amusing cat gifs, and the song 'Groovy Situation' by Gene Chandler.

snowbunting

Day 37, and I'm back to happy again Yesterday - fabulous swim in a near-empty pool with husband who kept wanting to race me (I win when that happens ). Quite a low-key day in fact, and my husband brought home four films to keep us going that I've wanted either to watch, or re-watch, for ages: Anchorman 2, Goodbye Lenin, The 400 Blows (Les Quatre Cent Coups), and The Double Life of Veronique:



So lots of evenings curled up with Yogi tea and apple slices are in store for us.

Today there was a vintage fair in the city, and I bought a little side table decorated with an old varnished colonial map, and it is a thing of quirkiness, and I love it. I also picked up some items for my ongoing Lush Therapy, and a second hand Sherlock Holmes to read, for enjoyment and as research for something I want to write. Oh, life is only about a billion times better sober.

I hope everyone is doing well, feeling strong, and keeping busy and (for my friends in northern climes) warm

Eshgham

Yessss ... look at your thread grow! You're doing really well, congrats.