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Old 10-13-2014, 09:45 PM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: East Coast, USA
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Here and Looking Ahead

First time poster because, for the first time in 15 years of drinking, I want to be sober. I've grappled for a while with whether I'm an alcoholic. I drink less than many people on these boards probably did in their worst days. I wake up hungover and think in that moment how I could not stomach another sip of alcohol, then tell myself, "See! a real alcoholic would be begging for alcohol right now, not swearing it off."

Personally, I don't find the term "alcoholic" particularly useful anymore. What matters is not whether I fit a clinical condition but simply that my drinking controls me, and not the other way around. Recently, I was drinking a bottle of wine just to go sleep most nights, sometimes much more. I started working out in the morning to free up my nights for drinking, as if that were a rational approach to time management rather than the glaring red flag it actually was. Although I never bit, I would pass the liquor cabinet in the morning and think how a slug or two of whiskey would help me get going and no one would be the wiser.

But mainly, my problem boils down to the fact that I mentally and physically cannot moderate my consumption of alcohol. I mean, some nights I can. I'll have 5-8 drinks at the bar (that's me "moderating") and be funny and articulate, the center of attention. But every one of those nights is just another stone in the path to a destination I'm all too familiar with: waking up in a daze after a night of 15-20 drinks, head throbbing, eyes stinging and mouth raw, large chunks of the night before missing. I've drank until my nerves were numb for days, sent myself to the hospital for stitches, taken risks that put my life in danger, squandered savings, and ruined relationships. I keep telling myself it won't happen again. And then it does.

The latest one came at a company event, putting my job at risk and making me the subject of derision among co-workers. I could keep this up for years to come, but I know that somewhere down the line I'd just be back here lamenting that alcohol has done nothing to make my life any better. So it's not that I can't do it anymore, but that I don't want to. And I'm ready to believe that I have the power to make the things I want in life a reality, as long as I work for them. So here I am, 48 hours without a drink and looking ahead.
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DoubleFelix (10-13-2014), resolute50 (10-13-2014), sickofthiscrap (10-14-2014), Treerat66 (10-14-2014), Wastinglife (10-13-2014), XIIIXXIXXVI (10-13-2014)
Old 10-13-2014, 09:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,385
Welcome to SR,jeroman.
So glad you have chosen sobriety.
Your Brother in sobriety,
Quit on 7/26/13

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday.

John Wayne
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Old 10-13-2014, 10:10 PM   #3 (permalink)

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Welcome aboard, sometimes terms like alcoholic are just that, terms. The fact that you're searching out help and what you've posted seems like you want help. We're a very supportive group here. Glad your here with us
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Old 10-13-2014, 10:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
A.K.A Bri

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Location: Houston TX
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Congrats on 48 hrs and on realizing and accepting that you need to make a change! Best of luck to you

* 12/27/15 *
One day at a time...
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Old 10-13-2014, 10:32 PM   #5 (permalink)

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Thanks to all for the very kind words of welcome. I know that this place will be source of great strength for me.
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Old 10-13-2014, 10:57 PM   #6 (permalink)

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Welcome! There is lots of support and great advice here. Glad you've joined us.
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Old 10-14-2014, 12:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Welcome Jeroman

Tons of support here

I think whether or not you wear the mantle of 'alcoholic' is up to you..the really important bit is you accept the need to deal with the problem

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Old 10-14-2014, 12:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome and congrats on the first two days! This forum has been a godsend for me. So much support and understanding
It's never too late to be who you might have been

Different. Not Less.
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Old 10-14-2014, 01:13 AM   #9 (permalink)

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Glad you here jeroman! Keep it can do this!
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Old 10-14-2014, 01:49 AM   #10 (permalink)
Sober date 5/1/13
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Location: Staffordshire UK
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Hi jeroman,

Welcome to SR

I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.

- Hafiz

'we are spartans of Sobriety' - ThePatMan

“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.
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Old 10-14-2014, 06:17 AM   #11 (permalink)

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Welcome, jeroman, and congrats on two days. I agree not to get too caught up in the taxonomy and where to categorize yourself--if it's causing you problems it's causing you problems, and something's off-kilter when we find ourselves working too hard to keep a problem in our lives. (I say "we" meaning "me too, for years" ) This path you're choosing is so much more sane and sensible. Glad you're here!
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Old 10-14-2014, 06:23 AM   #12 (permalink)
Almost 107 years sober
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Welcome to SR
Every soul is like a raindrop that falls from the sky into one vast ocean of consciousness. Most raindrops hit the surface and make a small ripple that fades away ... but some ripples become waves.

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Old 10-14-2014, 11:14 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Welcome to the Forum Jeroman!!
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