| jeroman | 10-13-2014 08:45 PM |
Here and Looking Ahead
First time poster because, for the first time in 15 years of drinking, I want to be sober. I've grappled for a while with whether I'm an alcoholic. I drink less than many people on these boards probably did in their worst days. I wake up hungover and think in that moment how I could not stomach another sip of alcohol, then tell myself, "See! a real alcoholic would be begging for alcohol right now, not swearing it off."
Personally, I don't find the term "alcoholic" particularly useful anymore. What matters is not whether I fit a clinical condition but simply that my drinking controls me, and not the other way around. Recently, I was drinking a bottle of wine just to go sleep most nights, sometimes much more. I started working out in the morning to free up my nights for drinking, as if that were a rational approach to time management rather than the glaring red flag it actually was. Although I never bit, I would pass the liquor cabinet in the morning and think how a slug or two of whiskey would help me get going and no one would be the wiser.
But mainly, my problem boils down to the fact that I mentally and physically cannot moderate my consumption of alcohol. I mean, some nights I can. I'll have 5-8 drinks at the bar (that's me "moderating") and be funny and articulate, the center of attention. But every one of those nights is just another stone in the path to a destination I'm all too familiar with: waking up in a daze after a night of 15-20 drinks, head throbbing, eyes stinging and mouth raw, large chunks of the night before missing. I've drank until my nerves were numb for days, sent myself to the hospital for stitches, taken risks that put my life in danger, squandered savings, and ruined relationships. I keep telling myself it won't happen again. And then it does.
The latest one came at a company event, putting my job at risk and making me the subject of derision among co-workers. I could keep this up for years to come, but I know that somewhere down the line I'd just be back here lamenting that alcohol has done nothing to make my life any better. So it's not that I can't do it anymore, but that I don't want to. And I'm ready to believe that I have the power to make the things I want in life a reality, as long as I work for them. So here I am, 48 hours without a drink and looking ahead. | 