Lola23

...that has left me feeling so...sad. Sad is hardly the word for it, it doesn't quite capture the weird feeling of loss that I'm experiencing. It really is a combination of loss, feeling pathetic, feeling sorry for myself and like I just never did and I never will measure up. Why do I even try?

It's the first time in almost 4 weeks where I really feel like saying "Sc*** this, I want to drink". I heard the news last week and I was actually fine over the weekend somehow, I think I was still processing it. But now, today, I feel like reaching for the only thing that will make this feeling go away.

Until today, I was actually quite proud of myself. Look at me, I thought...I'm really doing this. I recognized something I need to change in my life, and I'm changing it. And I'm doing it without really having hit rock bottom. And now, that feeling has completely dissipated. Oh, so I haven't had a drink for what...20 some days? That's some sort of achievement? Really? My ex's wife likely not only does not have a drinking problem, but I'm SURE she's gone more than that w/o a drink, evidenced by the fact that they just had a baby last week. A perfect blond hair, blue eyed little boy. And I'm doing what? Posting on a forum about my "achievement" of not drinking??

I'm sorry for the crappy post guys. I hope no offense is taken..obviously I don't REALLY feel this way about this forum or you guys, its just that I feel like I've really taken a beating over here.

Anna

Lola, you know we are all on our journeys in this life and it's often painful to compare ourselves with other people. You know how hard you worked to get 20 days sober and that's what counts. Hang in there!

JasonNorth

drinking won't help & will only add another thing to worry about - plus the guilt.

go & kick the cat instead!

Soberwolf

Hi Lola don't beat yourself up everybody is different

And it is definatly a massive achievement deep down you know it is 20 days is massive

Sorry your feeling like this I have felt like that in early sobriety

If you were drunk would you of seen that baby and be able to describe what you saw ?

Let alone have the bravery to reach out speak your heart and make someone relate

Lola I know its hard to believe but what your doing is exceptional

Its not a crappy post its very heartfelt

PurpleKnight

Comparing ourselves to others doesn't get us anywhere, and drinking over it gets us nowhere even faster!!

We all have our own journeys, don't throw away 20 Days, it is an achievement, and it is something to be proud of!!

least

Please DON'T kick any animals out of frustration. It won't help anyone.

Soberjoy1

I know what you mean, Lola23. I think it's human nature to compare ourselves to others, and to find ourselves lacking. I can do it so easily, and then get quite depressed. But we are all on our own path, and sometimes the struggle does make us stronger. I've known a lot of addicts, and I have found that people who struggle with addiction are some of the most interesting people-often very intelligent, sensitive, artistic, among other things. I think most of them, us, don't give ourselves enough credit. 20 days sober is a huge challenge for most of us-be proud!

Nowsthetime

Do not undermine your achievements!!! No way! We will not let you ! Good for them but that's their story. Focus on your own. You ARE changing your life and that is HUGE!!!

Gronk

20 days is HUGE........period. That is the now.........the other thing is the past..........but......20 days is a huge achievement you should feel good about.

Don't let your being upset about something else get confused with not drinking now, completely unrelated.

Dang, I have a laundry list of woulda coulda shouldas.........they are actually starting to look a lot smaller now that I have some control over where I am heading now and know I won't let myself make those mistakes again......

Pretend3r

I know how you feel. I ended an engagement because he was immature and out with friends all the time and he was regressing after leaving the military to go to college. He never had that experience I guess and began acting like a kid. After I ended it we both moved on to other relationships. He wanted me back once he realized it was over but I had too much pride, so yes, we both moved on to new relationships. I'm currently going through a divorce from the relationship i moved on to (with a narcissistvabusive guy i was codependent on who turned out to be a big douche) and of course i now have to co parent with him to raise our three year old. I am a single mom and dad most days, and angry about who my husband really is...but mostly angry i was foolish enough to be with him to begin with. Its one of the reasons i have to quit drinking. As long as i dont feel adequate for a good guy ill get what i get. It hurts to see my ex actually had a wedding on a beach, appears to not have a wife who is alcoholic, have their happy life play out on Facebook. They have a three year old too, and now they just had twins... I have my son, but now I also have to deal with crazy, inciteful, maddening, repeated texts from his father.

Wastinglife

Hi Lola, I know how you feel too. I was in a 6 year relationship as my drinking took over and eventually ruined it. A year after our breakup I saw photos on Facebook of my ex-gf on her wedding day looking stunning in her wedding gown. Meanwhile, I was 6 months out of rehab and staying with my parents at age 35. I felt pathetic at where I was in life and hated how I had thrown away so much.

I am glad that my ex found happiness and it helps me with the guilt I feel about our time together. I am sober today and more hopeful than ever that I will find happiness too. Keep building on your sobriety, don't give up, and soon you too will have something to make other people jealous about!!

ESD907

My 1st husband cheated, I found out when his 'gf' had the baby, I had no self esteem, I actually said, we'll we will sue for custody of the baby just to keep my husband. I figured, he'd think, what a fantastic wife I have, He chose her. I was gutted, and was for a very long time. BUT what made it ok was being clear headed. I went thru my moms death when drunk, I wish I went thru it sober, it will be my one biggest regret in life. I have trouble remembering some thing. Face IT SOBER, you will be happy with your choice. And you will get over it a lot quicker. Drunk, just makes you somber, sloppy, phony sentimental, wishing for something that is long gone, it is truly a waste of your time and life. As I age I realize how important is is to accept the things we can not change. (I'm not an AA person(yet), but I find it to be pertinent for every person on earth)

Pretend3r

Anyway, sorry I just threw all that out there on your post! I guess the point is, if we don't get better, we will never get what we are jealous of which is a healthy loving relationship.

Notmyrealname

Life has disappointing moments like these, but drunk life has a lot more disappointing moments. Stay sober and these moments happen a lot less often. So drinking would be effectively signing up for more moments like the one are not enjoying. So don't drink

It is crystal clear now, right

My odd logic aside, at 40+ I have heard about and read about and seen links about multiple (ex)girlfriends getting married, having kids, living in big houses, all that stuff. It can be a bit of a shock, but I try to be happy for them. They had something good going on or I wouldn't have fallen for them, so why not be glad that they are doing well?

Lola23

Thank you guys. Sincerely, I was driving home with tears pouring down my face as I read these responses at a stop light. You are right, I'm not going to throw away how far I've come...its actually almost 30 days today.

I know it won't help, but I still feel like at least I wouldn't have to think about it for tonight if I can drown myself in wine. But I won't. I'm gonna linger here on SR for a while tonight.

Notmyrealname

Hey, why the quotes around "accidentally" -- were you Facebook stalking? oh no, don't you know that nothing good ever comes of that?

Always be careful when you go looking, you might not like what you find sometimes ignorance is bliss

Oh and PS -- Good work on not drinking! take two ice cream sundaes and call me in the morning, that is my prescription for success

Lola23

Not stalking really. We're friends on FB and it came up in my feed. I should just delete him.

Yea, I think I'm gonna have something sugary. My diet can start after I hit 30 days.

Lola23

OH and don't worry friends...I would never kick my cat. However, I am guilty of hugging him and crying into his fur tonight. He just sits in my arms and purrs and purrs. I'm so happy I'm his human.

360shoes

Hi Lola,
You're entitled to be sad. That happens when we feel a loss. Have a good cry.
I'm sorry it hurts.

Don't go drink though. That isn't going to help anything. You will be much better off just being with the sadness until it passes...and it will.

Then you will get to feel proud of yourself. Double proud. Proud you didn't drink and proud you felt sad and got through it. I think that's also called taking care of yourself. A very fine quality to have btw. Knowing how to comfort yourself, be nice to yourself, and take care of yourself.

Hang in there. Vent away on here if you need too. There are quite a few of us who have had a broken heart.

Good job on not drinking! Keep it going!

VikingGF

Hi, Lola-
I feel you. My ex-husband, whom I was married to for 18 years, and with for 25, changed everything about himself when we split up. He started traveling (he would not fly anywhere with me) and he moved in with a young girl pretty quickly. Everything I heard or learned about him would send me careening into an abyss of despair and sadness. I could barely hold my sadness and anger and jealousy in check, but I did. I drank. This act kept me from ever being able to change and accept that he had moved on and prevented me from knowing that I was certainly capable of doing the same. I stayed stuck as he found a serious relationship, got married and only 6 months ago he announced he was having a child. What?? More confusion, more sadness. Then I stopped drinking. For a few weeks it didn't affect the way I felt about anything, but gradually, I started to feel better about ME. And when that happened, I no longer really cared about what was going on in anyone's life but mine. That included the ex, his wife and their impeding child. It was like the healing I never allowed myself to experience was now happening at super-speed. Because I had glimmers of getting there over the years (yes, I said years) but now I had days and days and days of connected thoughts and emotions. I was able to gain some perspective and a ton of strength from one thing. My incredible accomplishment of not drinking alcohol. I felt like Super Woman. I still do (it has not really been that long, but that no longer matters. I know this is forever.)

Never feel like however many days you have is unimportant. It is to be celebrated. Do not compare yourself to others or your situation to theirs. No one's life is perfect. Keep in your own head- and keep moving forward. You have done so well. Never let that go.

Hugs.