Messed up, dont know why
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: North East England
Posts: 99
Messed up, dont know why
Been six good weeks sober, life has improved so much. I look better, getting so much more done. My problem has been isolation. See my mates at work but after that its pretty much me and my dog. Ive been eating well, exercising, and generally been a happy person. Woke up today feeling lonely with nothing to do. Went out with the pooch, came home. Then the craving came, no problem, I've been through this countless times over the weeks, do something else, sort my house out, watch tv with a coffee, do some weights. I did none of these things. I went and bought beer. 3 cans in and I feel utterly depressed. Why have I done this, why have I failed? Lives not got better, its got instantly worse. Now it's gonna be day one again after my best few weeks over the last ten years. I've let nobody down, nobody knows but me. I do not feel better, I do not have a buzz, I feel utterly dissapointed with myself. Ive not after sympathy or messages saying it's ok, get back on it tomorrow. I'm saying to all those struggling, it really is not worth it. That's my story, hope the rest of you can be stronger than me.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
Hi Owington!
I see that you have been a member for a while, but don't have many posts. Why not join the "Class of August 2014" thread, or sign in to the "24-Hour Connections?" See what others do to live a sober life.
I see that you have been a member for a while, but don't have many posts. Why not join the "Class of August 2014" thread, or sign in to the "24-Hour Connections?" See what others do to live a sober life.
Pressure makes diamonds
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 521
I know how you feel, I too am back at day 1. The good news is we are back on track. Even a small amount of alcohol makes me depressed too, it really is poison. I wish you well on your journey. Just keep moving forward and keep posting. Support definitely helps.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 52
owington
I realize you aren't looking for sympathy so I don't want you to feel like me responding is such. The road to recovery isn't a straight shot or nobody would have a second day one. I think it can be depressing to reach back for the beers and find they don't help and no buzz has come but at the same time it just reinforces what your doing. Drinking isn't going to be the answer and maybe that is all you needed to regain composure. It's easy enough to lay off for awhile and then go back but now you realize that isn't what you want anymore. I think it's a great stepping stone. How many people go far longer only to reach the same realization? Who can say. Now that you've seen and felt what it's like to not need it, then reached back only to realize it isn't going to be the same, I think, is a great learning point. Try not to be too hard on yourself, which I know first hand can be difficult.
Onwards and upwards
I realize you aren't looking for sympathy so I don't want you to feel like me responding is such. The road to recovery isn't a straight shot or nobody would have a second day one. I think it can be depressing to reach back for the beers and find they don't help and no buzz has come but at the same time it just reinforces what your doing. Drinking isn't going to be the answer and maybe that is all you needed to regain composure. It's easy enough to lay off for awhile and then go back but now you realize that isn't what you want anymore. I think it's a great stepping stone. How many people go far longer only to reach the same realization? Who can say. Now that you've seen and felt what it's like to not need it, then reached back only to realize it isn't going to be the same, I think, is a great learning point. Try not to be too hard on yourself, which I know first hand can be difficult.
Onwards and upwards
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
tough owington, yeah, you haven't been posting.
just reading others advice eh? Well if you would have posted BEFORE you went out and got you some beer maybe, MAYBE ?, you would have changed your mind?
Sometimes reading advice passively is helpful. But asking for and directly receiving advice as an individual sometimes carries a little more weight. Just something to think about next time. I am not scolding you if this comes across as that. I am just suggesting something to try next time. I've seen many who were jonesing for a drink and posted about it. The community rallied and talked them through it thus avoiding the 'I messed up' posts. It does work if you come here before you buy that beer. Try it next time.
Cool?
just reading others advice eh? Well if you would have posted BEFORE you went out and got you some beer maybe, MAYBE ?, you would have changed your mind?
Sometimes reading advice passively is helpful. But asking for and directly receiving advice as an individual sometimes carries a little more weight. Just something to think about next time. I am not scolding you if this comes across as that. I am just suggesting something to try next time. I've seen many who were jonesing for a drink and posted about it. The community rallied and talked them through it thus avoiding the 'I messed up' posts. It does work if you come here before you buy that beer. Try it next time.
Cool?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I have had a rough week...and "addiction" in it's various forms has nipped at my heels repeatedly.
In a moment of weakness, I went out and bought a pack of smokes yesterday..only to discover...
It was an illusion..a slight of hand.
It didn't make it all better...
The only thing it DID do for me was show me the illusion..
When the drink addiction continued to rap at the door throughout the day..
The cigarettes didn't make it better..
The drink wouldn't make it better...
The guy wouldn't make it better...
Transformation is often painful and awkward and uncomfortable.
I don't think there is anyway to get around it ..
but through.
Did the beer show you the illusion also?
In a moment of weakness, I went out and bought a pack of smokes yesterday..only to discover...
It was an illusion..a slight of hand.
It didn't make it all better...
The only thing it DID do for me was show me the illusion..
When the drink addiction continued to rap at the door throughout the day..
The cigarettes didn't make it better..
The drink wouldn't make it better...
The guy wouldn't make it better...
Transformation is often painful and awkward and uncomfortable.
I don't think there is anyway to get around it ..
but through.
Did the beer show you the illusion also?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: North East England
Posts: 99
Yeah mate, it makes sense. Few cans can't hurt watching the football can they? Wrong, yes they can. Thanks all, I'll be back tomorrow stronger than ever and with the knowledge that you CANT go back to being a 'normal' drinker.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
There is strength in coming back and immediately recommitting to Sobriety owington!! So that's a positive thing!! 
The past is in the past though, we can only write the future, but we gotta tweak our plan if the plan isn't working!!
You can do this!!
The past is in the past though, we can only write the future, but we gotta tweak our plan if the plan isn't working!!
You can do this!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 153
owington...
Thanks for the post. What you are experiencing is not unique to you. You are not alone. I too am quite isolated most of the time. I see my friends at work and have no problems interacting there but after that I really don't seek out much social time. I am pretty hard on myself about that - thinking I am weird or undesirable... thinking I will stand out as being awkward or different. I go to meetings here and there but even that is hard for me.
What you reminded me is that when we are alone with ourselves we can be our own worst enemy. Some people will say "get out of the house, go to a meeting, go help someone, call a friend, etc...". That isn't always easy to do though. I am not saying it's ok to avoid those things because they are not easy to do but I think that instead of being our own worst enemy we can become our own best friend.
It's ok not to be a social butterfly. It's ok to be a bit shy. It's ok to be on the outside and an observer. It's ok to enjoy and be more comfortable inside your home with your dog. There is nothing WRONG with that. It's your life, live it in a way that brings you the most peace.
This is a reminder to me as much as it is to you. It's a reminder to be compassionate with oneself. Accept that you are doing the best that you can. You did the best that you could before, now do the best you can today. I am certain that a lot of days strung together where you can label them as "the best you could do" will have some pretty fantastic results in due time.
All the best to you.
Thanks for the post. What you are experiencing is not unique to you. You are not alone. I too am quite isolated most of the time. I see my friends at work and have no problems interacting there but after that I really don't seek out much social time. I am pretty hard on myself about that - thinking I am weird or undesirable... thinking I will stand out as being awkward or different. I go to meetings here and there but even that is hard for me.
What you reminded me is that when we are alone with ourselves we can be our own worst enemy. Some people will say "get out of the house, go to a meeting, go help someone, call a friend, etc...". That isn't always easy to do though. I am not saying it's ok to avoid those things because they are not easy to do but I think that instead of being our own worst enemy we can become our own best friend.
It's ok not to be a social butterfly. It's ok to be a bit shy. It's ok to be on the outside and an observer. It's ok to enjoy and be more comfortable inside your home with your dog. There is nothing WRONG with that. It's your life, live it in a way that brings you the most peace.
This is a reminder to me as much as it is to you. It's a reminder to be compassionate with oneself. Accept that you are doing the best that you can. You did the best that you could before, now do the best you can today. I am certain that a lot of days strung together where you can label them as "the best you could do" will have some pretty fantastic results in due time.
All the best to you.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by owington 
I'm just gonna have to accept I'm not that person anymore
I think you nailed it right there. We have to let go of who we once were in order to be someone new. Thank you for that. Letting go of who we "were" is scary business. Who will I be? Will I like this person? Will I be boring and vanilla and just plain old..old? These are all the questions of my terrified ego who built this mess with stick and stones and old barbwired...and threw on some lipstick.
I want to be someone new...but it is indeed scary all the same.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: North East England
Posts: 99
You are all clearly people who care about others. My problem is I'm a believer that my problems are much less than others. I'm not one for asking for help normally. I work in a 'get on with your job and stop moaning environment' full of lads who graft hard for a living. Guess its grained in me to deal with your own problems, hard enough writing this. Lads at work thought it was a joke I wasnt coming for a pint after work. Its what we do. Sitting home friday and saturday is no fun but been a medal of honour for me. Anyway, no more posting today, I'll be back tomorrow and can hopefully swallow my pride and be my own man.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by owington
Guess its grained in me to deal with your own problems,
In the greatest emotional pain of my life, I went to a store..opened up my wallet and solved it all myself. I went home and opened up my solution and applied it alone. Night after night after night.
I didn't drink during the day. Never lost a job over alcohol. Never got a DUI (although should have many times). By some standards, my daily consumption which was often less than a bottle of wine wouldn't even strike some as a problem...
I can tell myself over and over I'm not as bad as some.
Hmmm...wonder why it's so damn hard to quit though.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 544
Friend-
First and foremost, congratulations on the overwhelming amount of time you spent sober.
Good for you!
Now, as to the future, one of the things you can do to strengthen your resolve is to limit your sobriety commitment to today and today, only. This will put the emphasis where it belongs without making the long term goal feel so overwhelming. If you find future temptations coming on really strong, the best thing you can do is to delay, delay, delay. Take a nap. Contact a friend or a sponsor or simply log onto the SR site and ask for help.
Again, reinforce and accentuate the positive.
In the meantime, I found this quote helpful and put it in my clean and sober journal.
Hopefully, you will too.
“No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it:- C.S. Lewis
First and foremost, congratulations on the overwhelming amount of time you spent sober.
Good for you!
Now, as to the future, one of the things you can do to strengthen your resolve is to limit your sobriety commitment to today and today, only. This will put the emphasis where it belongs without making the long term goal feel so overwhelming. If you find future temptations coming on really strong, the best thing you can do is to delay, delay, delay. Take a nap. Contact a friend or a sponsor or simply log onto the SR site and ask for help.
Again, reinforce and accentuate the positive.
In the meantime, I found this quote helpful and put it in my clean and sober journal.
Hopefully, you will too.
“No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it:- C.S. Lewis
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Reminds me of just before I stopped drinking that I if I did I'd be some sort of monk/hermit not true
I graft hard for a living in construction demolition
Loads go pub all the time and get slaughtered after work I don't
Doesn't mean I got pta sit at home I'm out and about planning a holiday to Tunisia I go theatre I go cinema I buy things for my house i take my gf out I do loads of things
You can do the same. And wish you well in achieving this
I graft hard for a living in construction demolition
Loads go pub all the time and get slaughtered after work I don't
Doesn't mean I got pta sit at home I'm out and about planning a holiday to Tunisia I go theatre I go cinema I buy things for my house i take my gf out I do loads of things
You can do the same. And wish you well in achieving this
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