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Old 08-22-2014, 12:41 AM
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Maybe you have identified one of the sources of your problem. You state you are in a codependent relationship with your mother. It is terrible to be a codependent. The addicts behavior towards you is all wrong: you are lied to, manipulated, used, hurt over and over again: the list goes on.
That could be really contributing to your unhappiness. I would strongly recommend alanon. alanon can really help you start to make make boundaries and protect yourself.

From the tone of your letter, you could also be suffering from depression. I can't tell you how many people I have met in recovery who were diagnosed as clinically depression or bipolar after they became sober. They realized that they had been medicating their condition with alcohol or drugs. And after receiving the right meds, they feel BETTER!
Think about these two issues: there is help out there!
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Old 08-22-2014, 05:37 AM
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Hang in there!! Sorry to hear how you're feeling!!
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Old 08-22-2014, 02:50 PM
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Thank you everybody, I'm taking this all into account, yes I am clinically diagnosed and being treated for it, I actually had my therapy session after work today and I'm feeling a bit less dark...thank everyone for answering me...yea the relationship my mother and I have is unhealthy to say the least...I'm not giving up like i stated yesterday...def not giving up...
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Old 08-22-2014, 02:51 PM
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I just have more growing to do...and need to get out of the living situation I'm in, which I'm also working towards as well
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Old 08-22-2014, 11:37 PM
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Good to hear the clouds are lifting, seldom does any feeling good or bad last forever.
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Old 08-22-2014, 11:58 PM
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Your post breaks my heart. Wish I had the magic potion for you, but I don't. You are too young for this dismal existence. I've had a few months of sobriety, relapse, now another couple months. I have been plagued by cravings lately like crazy. Enough of that, this is what I want to offer...pray for sobriety, pray for strength. Pray. Go to Church. Meet some people you can go have a bite with or a coffee. And then pray some more.

Sending you giant hugs, and a cyber pat on the back. Chin up. Yes I know it's hard. Fake it till you make it, as they say. Praying for you.
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Old 08-23-2014, 06:46 AM
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Thank you very much, I honestly had a really amazing session of therapy yesterday that put a gigantic amount of perspective on the situation, and was not rushed out thank god, actually went over the time I was given...I'm ever so greatful for the therapist I did find, she's an amazing and smart woman that dosent put me down for my cynical view like the rest of the world does...she gave me a few tools of how to look at myself in an outside perspective...talked me off the ledge so to say...I'm not wrong for being upset and angry about me situation at the moment, but sadness and grief is not a place to camp out and stay in....it's just hard to try to explain yourself to people (friends, co workers, etc) and honestly I am gonna give up on that nasty habit, I don't need to explain myself to anyone quite frankly and I think that in itself was making me feel worse...someone actually had the audacity to tell me I'm being overly emotional and used the recent beheading as a reason why people have it worse (the British man that was captured)....like really? I can't stand the fact that people try to tell me people have it worse, it further depressed me! I'm a naturally empathetic person and I'm fully aware of how bad the world is suffering, it didn't help me at all...I'm in a much better place mentally then I was several days ago...it's only my 3 rd therapy appointment at the new place I'm at so we got into more gritty and deep stuff yesterday, not the initial "who are you, what's bothering you" kinda stuff...I'm so thankful I at least bought myself to get the real help I needed, much deeper then just being an addict for me...the addiction is in my blood but also a bi product of some serious messed up stuff going on around me...I got this...and seriously thank each and every one of you...I couldent do this alone...
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Old 08-23-2014, 06:49 AM
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There is a lot of acceptance taking place in my mind today...
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Old 08-23-2014, 07:09 AM
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you paint a good picture of how this illness really is when we end up in a the low point of our lives,

the only way i found out of the madness was to attend aa meetings and be around others there
when i seen a new comer enter the rooms i would be grateful i am not in there shoes anymore even though i might of just lost a job or feel pain in my life over something the moment a new comer comes in shaking and with that lost look in there eyes my own problems would seem to go away or feel less intense for me

if i was in so much pain like i have been over the death of my son i had people in aa i could cry with or i could share my pain in the rooms it never made it go away but it gave me some peace for a while and i would have to repeat it daily at times of need and i would get through another day
sure enough things would soon improve or my thinking would change because i am around people like me

i still use this formula today if i am in need but most of the time i am not in need but feel at peace
out of that black pain your in thats why i am so grateful to aa not because the drink problem has gone but because also that dark world has gone with it

so thats all i can suggest you could try ? pop along to a meeting sit with others and hear what they have to say and if you can try and share about you and how your living as i am sure many will soon identify with you and you will not feel so alone with it

good luck to you
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Old 08-23-2014, 10:21 AM
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I am going to meetings but The place where I'm going has night time meetings, but it's not AA it's therapy as well as guided meditation and all types of aspects, stress management, dealing with negative thoughts, grateful lists, snacks and drinks (I don't drink any soda I quit years ago but they have 100% apple juice that I love, I'm such a child lol) all sorts of morale boosting and such, I tend to like these meetings a lot more, I do like aa but many times I walk out feeling more depressed then when I walked in...the group meetings are linked thru the facility so I could also request to see someone one or one if I have questions or concern (mostly more for the meds management, I have a regular appointment every Friday afternoon for an hour)
I hate to sound so weak, but I NEED the therapy now by this point, I've been in this place for almost two months now and I'm at a point where it's not 7 days a week anymore...I also like the groups there cause some of the people have never touched a substance in their life...it's a group of various wonderful and unique individuals that have all different mental disorders, many have suffered accidents while working, like head injuries and whatnot...so it's not always talk revolved around staying off the sauce, I kinda like it that way...I'm very active in all this and taking it quite seriously for someone my age...I hate the dark place I get stuck in in my mind...I wanna stay away whatever it takes...
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Old 08-23-2014, 10:52 AM
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Hi ST,
That facility sounds amazing. When I was in rehab, and also afterward when I attended IOP, my groups were not strictly focused on addiction either. I rather liked it as well.

I did 4 years of therapy after I quit. Sounds like a lot, I know, but I guess I had some sh!t to sort and it took as long as it took.

I'm so glad you're continuing to move forward.
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:07 AM
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It is honestly, I got really lucky I was in some hell holes before this, it's connected with one of the largest hospitals in my area, not in it tho it's a short drive down the road, yea IOP was what I started with. It's not for everyone honestly some of the people i started with got very scared and left after the first day, it can be intimidating but I'm really glad I stuck thru the whole thing, that was basically my vacation this summer, not optimal to be locked up most of the day but it really was a wonderful kick starter. I tried my best to be thankfull for everything taking place. I was getting drug tested but I was there on my own, I kept testing positive for THC and got stern talking too but I'm not smoking any more now that I'm on meds, I even tried and had a panic attack, so that's not a part of my routene either at the moment. I also got lucky cause they were all women and even some only slightly older then me, it felt a bit more realistic I guess. I can open up to women way easier then men for some reason. I also liked that if people were being disruptive they had no problem removing them from the enviroment and the program all together. I tried to give thanks by staying after and helping clean up the mess left behind (not even being Judgemental some people don't know how to clean up after themselvs!) and I DJ a bit in regular life, they put some depressing music on there so I took over for my time there, and played some awesome uplifting and chill out music. I'm really lucky I forced myself in, and honestly it's not for everyone, it has to be BAD, which for me it was. The depression and anxiety was really debilitating. Wouldent wish these feelings on my worst of worse enemies.
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by SolitaryThinker
The depression and anxiety was really debilitating. Wouldent wish these feelings on my worst of worse enemies.
Me neither. It's awful. I tried to commit suicide just to get relief from the crushing depression and anxiety. Make. It. Stop.

What I really like about your message is that, as hard as it is, you are pushing through. You are making yourself attend and you are continuing to search for ways to get better. And you will get better. Thank you for showing others it can be done.
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:31 AM
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Yea, I was plotting on it, I was killing myself in a different way, the breaking point for me was I got really drunk really quick on an empty stomach, then started shoveling piles of ketamine in my nose, it's a heavy dissociative experience, I blacked out and had a seizure and it scared the living crap out of me. I checked myself in several days after...I was pushing away help for my entire 20s but now at 28 I finally did it, it needed to be done...writing (typing) it out is therapeutic to me also, and I'm an open person, too open at times perhaps, but love sharing and listening. New doors opened up too, one example is they made us do art in IOP and I'm left handed, with poor handwriting and was literally on a stick figure level of art, it seemed pathetic to me and someone my age was drawing awesome stuff, I was envious. I took a bunch of drawing books on cartooning and basics, along with some reasonably priced paper and pencils and have actually been making headway with it. I suprized myself cause I told everyone I couldent draw my entire life, and I totally can.

image-750604141.jpg

^thats my first successful cartoon, and concidering I couldent draw a thing I think it's pretty cool, I have been theming around funny/cuteish aliens and si fi, and have been attempting to copy some of the Simpsons characters. I NEVER would have attempted this on my own, I was pushed into it and went with it.
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Old 08-23-2014, 11:57 AM
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I suprized myself cause I told everyone I couldent draw my entire life, and I totally can.
Makes you think about what other things you believed about yourself that weren't true, doesn't it? What is the truth and what is just stories we tell ourselves? Keep pushing yourself forward. Very few things are impossible if we put our minds to them.
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:02 PM
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Indeed, I always thought that was a very cheesy thing and pushed it to the side, I'm capable of a lot, and glad I'm finally starting to see thAt, I was my own biggest enemy.
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:04 PM
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I never thought I would ever know ti chi and I know all the beginner poses, again pushed into it in program and enjoy it very much, I'm a city guy and really never expected to get into something like that.
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:05 PM
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I needed some pushing that's all, and stop beating myself up before I'm even out of the gate.
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:11 PM
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My therapy appointment yesterday REALLY put the needed perspective on the situation, I was turning to friends and close ones for help and getting even more discouraged when it would either end up in an argument or me feeling sorry for myself again, I was frantically trying to explain myself with failures over and over again, some things are best left to professionals, and it's rather clear in this particular circumstance.
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