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Dismal

Old 08-21-2014, 05:30 PM
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Dismal

Been a member here for a while...just very dismal...
My sobriety is important and I'm maintaining it, but I can't see the light in the world anymore...my level of hatrid towards myself and pretty much the world in general is so high...I'm recently out of a facility and am being properly medicated but my anger and sadness are blinding honestly...I have no desire to see much more of life...I'm not gonna do anything i can't take back...I just hate living...other peoples enjoyment and pleasure from the world makes me angry and envious at the same time...i do all the BS...positive thinking, gratitude lists, meditation, as much excersizes as I can muster myself up to do, spending time with loved ones and animals, focus on work, blah blah blah...I've heard the wrap 1000 times over...it ain't workin for me...I'm stuck...I don't have the drive to get myself out of the crappy living situation I'm in...I wouldent kill myself cause that's just passing it off on other people...I hate people, I hate life, I hate everything honestly...I'm faking it for the public and doing my best to not let the way I feel bleed over into other important aspects of life...I am still going to a therapist and psych weekly but it's not doing anything for me, they rush me out due to overcrowding half the time...I don't really know what I'm looking for writing my stuff here but honestly nobody else wants to listen to my "whining" anymore...I've completely ran out of people to talk and "reach out" too...the reach out nonsense is just that, bs, people wanna listen like 3 times and they get burnt out on hearing the same stuff over and over...I honestly wish there is some way I couldent be here without hurting others around me, but like I said, I'm sticking around and tuffing it out...people just think I'm being over sensitive but I'm not...it's coming from people who have stable minds and semi stable families...my dad's dead and my stepdad is leaving my mom cause of her addiction, and our relationship is insanely codependant...I want out of this miserable existence...I can't see the light and honestly don't think it exists...life is all a game of perception and I precieve this is crazy...I'm crazy...I'm just alone and sober, other then my meds...I just hate this...
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Old 08-21-2014, 05:46 PM
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Sorry for your despair.
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Old 08-21-2014, 05:49 PM
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ST - How old are you? You can provide a range if you are uncomfortable with the question.
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Old 08-21-2014, 05:51 PM
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Old 08-21-2014, 05:54 PM
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I'm sorry ST that you are feeling the way you are - I wish there was something I could say that would change that for you. Thinking of you & hope as you continue with your counselling that things will turn around for you. I always try & thing of others who's situation is far worse than mine & helps to put things into prospective.
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Old 08-21-2014, 06:00 PM
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Man, really sorry your feeling this way. I feel your pain and wish I could wave a magic wand for you to make it all go away. I really don't have any raps to get you cheer up, sounds like you've heard it all before.

I have been in despair and had similar thoughts as you are having. Somehow, I worked my way through the darkness back into the light. Not sure how, just stayed sober - went to meetings and slowly developed a sense of spirituality. Not religion - that really doesn't interest me. But, finding the truth about who I am helps.

I have enough faith though to know I am here for a reason. I hope someday I may know what that is. But, regardless eventually the darkness turned gray, then the sun started to peak through - some days.

Please keep posting because there is love here and others do care my friend!
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Old 08-21-2014, 06:05 PM
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I'm sorry you are in the space you are in. Wish I had some magic words. It is great that you are reaching out. Sending you some positive thoughts
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Old 08-21-2014, 06:18 PM
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Solitary-
Just a little bit of an opinion- have you considered trying to help someone else? Something small like volunteering? I know the area you live in was hit hard by hurricane Sandy and there is still lots of work to do to rebuild the area, have you reached out to help? Sometimes just getting out of our own heads is enough to give a little bit of that light back. Just a thought. Best of luck to you- and congrats on your sobriety. It's a big deal, no matter how you feel, it has to be better than when you were drinking. Please be kind to yourself. Sometimes, we are the only friends we have, and that has to be ok!
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Old 08-21-2014, 06:29 PM
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Thank you...yes I've heard it over and over, countless times...I did my part helping out with sandy, I'm positive that storm was a tipping point for me...and have been talking about it in therapy...I have helped homeless on a face to face street level but nothing structured...it did feel nice but only lasted a few short seconds after walking away from the situation...
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Old 08-21-2014, 06:30 PM
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People are so fed up with my negativity but I can't stop...
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Old 08-21-2014, 06:32 PM
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The part that sucks too is like I'm the furthest thing from an evil or nasty person, it's all internalized and directed towards me...my social circle is more concerned then anything...
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Old 08-21-2014, 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by SolitaryThinker View Post
I did my part helping out with sandy, I'm positive that storm was a tipping point for me...
It was for a lot of people.

I hope you can find your way to peace with yourself. That's usually the first step to any semblance of contentment, but it is a doozy. Keep trying.
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Old 08-21-2014, 08:05 PM
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I'm so sorry for your pain. What I can say..is I commonly refer to my 20's as "my self loathing years". Not that I think I'm all peaches and sunshine these days..but NOTHING was as bad as my 20's. I think I hated 29 worst of all. I felt older and more used up and dreary than ANY year since. I had this general feeling of "is that all there is??"...like an old song you are far too young to remember.

Despite an ongoing struggle with an addiction...my 30's were a thing of beauty comparatively. I wouldn't return to my 20's...for ...anything. The odd thing is I actually achieved a lot of dreams and goals in that decade. Nevertheless..HATED it.

I was drawn to your post as I too have been struggling with a smothering grey the last few days. I wish I had something more uplifting..but as I say...I was drawn to the "dismal" word in your post because I "resonated" with it.

Misery loves company sometimes hey
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Old 08-21-2014, 08:18 PM
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If your desperate enough to try anything... Get on xaspeakers and search Wayne b.

His story is funny but compelling and filled with talk of how he loathed himself.

He also talks about getting better.
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Old 08-21-2014, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by SolitaryThinker View Post
I don't really know what I'm looking for writing my stuff here but honestly nobody else wants to listen to my "whining" anymore...I've completely ran out of people to talk and "reach out" too...
So write away, it's cathartic and you have an audience to talk to here. I think you need to be here. Welcome.
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Old 08-21-2014, 08:34 PM
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I'm sorry. Do you - have you - ever had a hobby?
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Old 08-21-2014, 08:37 PM
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Yes, keep on posting. If you are going thru this, then others are or maybe at another time. You and your experience and journey with this dismal feeling is valid, powerful and important. We need honesty like this. Thank you for sharing. I'll be praying for you.
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Old 08-21-2014, 09:20 PM
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I can relate buddy. I had a tough time starting about 4 months. I kept at it even though I felt really lousy for quite a while. It was a combo of depression, negative self talk, lethargy, PAWS, not fun. But I've been getting better slowly but surely. I still get down but nothing like my first year of sobriety. Keep at it buddy, you'll be okay.
-Ted
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Old 08-21-2014, 10:23 PM
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It might just take some time. Speaking just for myself my brain was on a roll coaster ride from hell for maybe a year. Things would get better or worse but it was a big adjustment. I realized I'd never really done anything sober! Therefore I had to learn how to enjoy things sober. For a while it seemed like all pleasure had been sucked out of my life and I really didn't enjoy things much.

But it does get better, or it did for me. It's a process that you kind of have to feel your way through.
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Old 08-22-2014, 12:25 AM
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SolitaryThinker, IMO VikingGF is on the right track.

Let me use a personal example. In the past when I would get a case of the FVCK-ITS, all bets were off. The last time I got them I drove drunk. Fortunately I did so without incident, but nevertheless, that was something I had told myself I would NEVER do again, UNDER ANY CIRCOMSTANCES. I did so anyway.

I realized at that point that my drinking was all about feel-good-now...at all costs. Life was all about me, and how I felt. It was about the pleasure, (or at least avoidance of pain) and about how much I could extract from this existence.

By picking up that first drink I had started a chain of events that could have ended in tragedy. I had not really cared very much about this when I started drinking. I knew that I might suffer consequences. I didn't care. But the next day was so difficult. I could not live with the fact that I had risked the health and safety of other people. Innocent people. And why? Because I did not like how I had felt. Because I did not FEEL good and I wanted to change that. It was all about me. How incredibly self centered.

Till that point I had approached sobriety by looking very hard at every past situation which had ever led to a drink. I had come up with a plan to not drink if ever faced with each of these situations again. Till that point, this plan had worked well. But now I found that I needed to have a plan to deal with severe FVCK-ITS. I was more or less baffled. How do you find a way to care about something in a circumstance where you don't care about sh!t?

The solution I found was to live my life on a different basis. I had to live by something other than the pleasure principle. I had to stop fooling myself that I was doing nice things for people because I was a nice guy. I was doing these things for me. I had to face that truth.

Then I needed to find a way to preform just one truly altruistic act. One thing for the benefit of another that could have no possible reward for me.

I did, and that was the beginning of the end. It has lead to what has been described as "freedom from the boundaries of self", to a principle driven life.

All the best to you.
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