Night times are when I hate myself
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
((((Sasha)))))
I echo what Dee said (and, oh, fancy being one of his favourites!! You can't get a greater accolade than that
) You're one of my favourite posters too. You tell it like it is but with real empathy.
You are so far from where you were, Sasha. With every day of sobriety you are making amends for whatever happened in the past
But I'd hedge a bet that you were far more sinned against than sinning, even at your baddest 
Take a deep breath and try to be proud of the person you are and of all the ways in which you touch other people in your life - I, for one, think you're amazing ♥♥
I echo what Dee said (and, oh, fancy being one of his favourites!! You can't get a greater accolade than that
) You're one of my favourite posters too. You tell it like it is but with real empathy. You are so far from where you were, Sasha. With every day of sobriety you are making amends for whatever happened in the past
But I'd hedge a bet that you were far more sinned against than sinning, even at your baddest Take a deep breath and try to be proud of the person you are and of all the ways in which you touch other people in your life - I, for one, think you're amazing ♥♥
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Thanks all.
You are all really kind.
I don't think I have ever been anybodies favourite.
That makes me teary eyed in a good way.
I have felt like this on and off for a long time, so I know it is not going to go away or be resolved straight away.
Today is friday and when I got home from picking my daughter up I had pains in my chest and I was physically sick. Really sick.
I am under a consultant for my health issues at the moment and have been in hospital today for some tests, so no-one worry I am on my way out yet!
But it did make me wonder, after reading all your replies today, if it was in some part to do with anxiety.
That once we are home thats it, just us 2 when we lock the door at night. Once my daughter is in bed, it is just me rattling around in my quiet house and I know those thoughts are going to come plague me and keep me awake. The anticipation they are going to happen. Also that its friday and weekends can be lonely as I struggle to find things to do with others who like to keep weekends for family time.
I won't let it make me drink.
But it worries me that it might get worse and I become more depressed, anxious and lonely.
If I don't take action now I can see this still happening in my 50's and thats a long time of my life that has spent fretting over incidents I am ashamed of and in some cases cannot remember. Will I still think about it when I'm 65?
I can't imagine spending that many number of nights trapped in the prison I have built for myself.
Thank you all.
Please know that you maybe all over the world, but you all mean the world to me. xxxx
You are all really kind.
I don't think I have ever been anybodies favourite.
That makes me teary eyed in a good way.
I have felt like this on and off for a long time, so I know it is not going to go away or be resolved straight away.
Today is friday and when I got home from picking my daughter up I had pains in my chest and I was physically sick. Really sick.
I am under a consultant for my health issues at the moment and have been in hospital today for some tests, so no-one worry I am on my way out yet!
But it did make me wonder, after reading all your replies today, if it was in some part to do with anxiety.
That once we are home thats it, just us 2 when we lock the door at night. Once my daughter is in bed, it is just me rattling around in my quiet house and I know those thoughts are going to come plague me and keep me awake. The anticipation they are going to happen. Also that its friday and weekends can be lonely as I struggle to find things to do with others who like to keep weekends for family time.
I won't let it make me drink.
But it worries me that it might get worse and I become more depressed, anxious and lonely.
If I don't take action now I can see this still happening in my 50's and thats a long time of my life that has spent fretting over incidents I am ashamed of and in some cases cannot remember. Will I still think about it when I'm 65?
I can't imagine spending that many number of nights trapped in the prison I have built for myself.
Thank you all.
Please know that you maybe all over the world, but you all mean the world to me. xxxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
It sounds like you are just lonely.
And that's ok.
I spent a lot of time alone and sober with my children while they were little, and although we had a wonderful and deep connection, I was lonely for companionship for myself, from adults, in a different way than children can give.
Maybe you need other single moms to come over and do a double sleep-over on the weekend, where once you've settled the kids down to whispering not-quite-asleep time, you can sit and chat into the wee hours in your pjs with a pot of tea.
Lonely doesn't mean you need to partner. I found building a more active social life made the difference for me on weekends as a single mom. There is no room in the head for the regret and shame thoughts when the brain is excited by new ideas and plans.
If you're living in a really isolated and rural setting, it might be difficult, but you can at least make that pot of tea and get online with this community or others.
My mother called that whirlwind of negative thoughts "stewing." I've always called it "spinning." The more full my life is with the present, the less space there is for the done...
Good luck!
And that's ok.
I spent a lot of time alone and sober with my children while they were little, and although we had a wonderful and deep connection, I was lonely for companionship for myself, from adults, in a different way than children can give.
Maybe you need other single moms to come over and do a double sleep-over on the weekend, where once you've settled the kids down to whispering not-quite-asleep time, you can sit and chat into the wee hours in your pjs with a pot of tea.
Lonely doesn't mean you need to partner. I found building a more active social life made the difference for me on weekends as a single mom. There is no room in the head for the regret and shame thoughts when the brain is excited by new ideas and plans.
If you're living in a really isolated and rural setting, it might be difficult, but you can at least make that pot of tea and get online with this community or others.
My mother called that whirlwind of negative thoughts "stewing." I've always called it "spinning." The more full my life is with the present, the less space there is for the done...
Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
You are right, I am lonely.
I also feel different to other people I spend time with, be it by choice or because I have to.
And I know a lot of people away from here feel sorry for me at the moment and think I am having a really hard time, which I am, but that often makes it harder.
I also find it hard to motivate myself or plan to do something.
I look at my garden and my house for example and think it could use some love and then I think whats the point? I don't know anything about where I am going to be in the future. Its just for me so whats the need?
I've sort of got used to the looks I get from doctors when they say ay my appointments 'have you brought anyone with you?' and I say no, just me. When it's been on an emergency basis and they ask who can we phone, I say no-one because all my friends have lives and young children and its easier on them for me to be by myself.
I think even if I had a great big crowd of friends who were free to spend as much time together with me as a group or one on one I would still feel lonely.
I watch couples together and I think I cannot imagine a time in my life at all when I will be a part of that sort of life. Having a partner. Coming home and there being someone else in my house.
I think that is why I tend to isolate myself away.
I know it doesn't work.
It just leads to more ill advised thinking.
I'm sorry everyone, I should be better than this by now.
I also feel different to other people I spend time with, be it by choice or because I have to.
And I know a lot of people away from here feel sorry for me at the moment and think I am having a really hard time, which I am, but that often makes it harder.
I also find it hard to motivate myself or plan to do something.
I look at my garden and my house for example and think it could use some love and then I think whats the point? I don't know anything about where I am going to be in the future. Its just for me so whats the need?
I've sort of got used to the looks I get from doctors when they say ay my appointments 'have you brought anyone with you?' and I say no, just me. When it's been on an emergency basis and they ask who can we phone, I say no-one because all my friends have lives and young children and its easier on them for me to be by myself.
I think even if I had a great big crowd of friends who were free to spend as much time together with me as a group or one on one I would still feel lonely.
I watch couples together and I think I cannot imagine a time in my life at all when I will be a part of that sort of life. Having a partner. Coming home and there being someone else in my house.
I think that is why I tend to isolate myself away.
I know it doesn't work.
It just leads to more ill advised thinking.
I'm sorry everyone, I should be better than this by now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: midwest
Posts: 484
Originally Posted by Sasha4 
Hi
I wanted to write about my night time experiences and see if anyone understands and feels the same.
I hate night times a lot of the time.
As in the time when my daughter is asleep and I alone trying to fall asleep.
Its the time when my mind goes over past events I am not proud of, the negative way I think I am perceived by friends, family and colleagues, my regrets, if the future will be any better.
It starts every evening when the house is quiet, I am alone and the only one awake. It causes me stomach pain. I feel physically ill. It has started me stopping sleeping. Its also made me weepy some nights or it can go to the other extreme of wanting to pace my lonely, quiet house as it makes me so restless.
I've tried distracting myself by reading or coming here, praying, self hypnosis, but the mental torture seems to arrive most nights to taunt me and make me lonely and sad.
I have lots going on in my life that is stressful, but it has happened when things have been going well too.
I just wondered if anyone else was the same.
I'm over 2 years without drinking.
Thanks to all and wishing everyone the best xx
I wanted to write about my night time experiences and see if anyone understands and feels the same.
I hate night times a lot of the time.
As in the time when my daughter is asleep and I alone trying to fall asleep.
Its the time when my mind goes over past events I am not proud of, the negative way I think I am perceived by friends, family and colleagues, my regrets, if the future will be any better.
It starts every evening when the house is quiet, I am alone and the only one awake. It causes me stomach pain. I feel physically ill. It has started me stopping sleeping. Its also made me weepy some nights or it can go to the other extreme of wanting to pace my lonely, quiet house as it makes me so restless.
I've tried distracting myself by reading or coming here, praying, self hypnosis, but the mental torture seems to arrive most nights to taunt me and make me lonely and sad.
I have lots going on in my life that is stressful, but it has happened when things have been going well too.
I just wondered if anyone else was the same.
I'm over 2 years without drinking.
Thanks to all and wishing everyone the best xx
I can totally relate to this. I do not have kids but once feared being alone and it was during this that I drank my worst. I am not sure why, because there wasn't a specific traumatic-event that I could think of. For some reason, when I drank, I didn't feel alone and it felt like a party.
I have no answer because i feel each person has their own path to the same hopeful destination of mostly happiness, if they don't give up. I was full of doubts of "who" I was and I felt like a failure! The alcohol poisoned the soil of any nutrient that could grow any kind of real success. I guess that is why it was so confusing. The traumatic-event was a thousand different things that resulted in me losing respect from those around me and caused me to feel like a piece of s--t.
I felt lost and even worse about my future. It scared me that I didn't want to live and for some reason I started to just follow my conscious; like a boat lost in a turbulent sea struggling to follow the north star. This was my first spiritual experience. I also stopped talking and listening to what people were saying at work when it didn't involve work-related discussions. I really became like a nice hermit (lol). Mainly trying only to do good. Holding doors for people and just being nice to others any chance I could. This story is a long one so I won't go into it but after awhile I knew that I deserved to be happy! Even that doesn't "do it" but it is something to hold on to.
I slowly began leaving the shadow of what people "thought" of me, or what I thought they thought of me, and build a new me, even if I was the only one who knew it. People like to put other people in little static boxes of "who they are".. the thing is that we have the choice to grow and thrive into something else. Horrible decisions provide us with a chance to learn and step-up to higher levels. I think is can only be a regret if we continually do what we know is wrong and just live with it. And I, of course, continued to drink but after that I knew i was no longer having fun but instead was medicating. I was medicating the pain of living with continual regret.
I am not sure if this pertains to your specific situation but I wanted to share in hopes it does. Best of luck and always support from us!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Sasha,
Your post resonated with me, in that I have felt those same feelings as you... looking around and wondering why bother, with your home, your garden, etc.
I was lonely too, and depressed. My doctor gave me something for the depression and it helped me a lot. I took it for a while, then got off of it, as I don't need it now.
Being lonely is hard. It makes me sad, and bluesy. I also don't like being alone, and my anxiety plagued me at those times. Perhaps you may find that you are having some anxiety attacks/moments? You can get help with that too.
You have been through a transition, with quitting drinking. And that is a BIG change in your life, obviously. I guess one would have to find things to fill the time that used to be spent drinking. Not so easy being a single parent, I know.
I used to get so bluesy and feel like I had nothing to offer anyone, but I know it was my depression talking. I had to make myself reach out, to find out that others did want me around, and I eventually enjoyed myself.
I hope you can share your feelings with your doctor, and perhaps get a bit of help there.
Also posting here is good for me. I don't feel so alone anymore, and someone always shares something that makes me feel part of the big human family, more alike than we are different.
hope you feel better soon. some books on the subjects of loneliness, depression and anxiety might be really helpful too.
hugs.
Your post resonated with me, in that I have felt those same feelings as you... looking around and wondering why bother, with your home, your garden, etc.
I was lonely too, and depressed. My doctor gave me something for the depression and it helped me a lot. I took it for a while, then got off of it, as I don't need it now.
Being lonely is hard. It makes me sad, and bluesy. I also don't like being alone, and my anxiety plagued me at those times. Perhaps you may find that you are having some anxiety attacks/moments? You can get help with that too.
You have been through a transition, with quitting drinking. And that is a BIG change in your life, obviously. I guess one would have to find things to fill the time that used to be spent drinking. Not so easy being a single parent, I know.
I used to get so bluesy and feel like I had nothing to offer anyone, but I know it was my depression talking. I had to make myself reach out, to find out that others did want me around, and I eventually enjoyed myself.
I hope you can share your feelings with your doctor, and perhaps get a bit of help there.
Also posting here is good for me. I don't feel so alone anymore, and someone always shares something that makes me feel part of the big human family, more alike than we are different.
hope you feel better soon. some books on the subjects of loneliness, depression and anxiety might be really helpful too.
hugs.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Hi Sasha,
Sorry you feel the way you do. :/
Funny thing about anxiety...I have only just associated some of the things I do are most likely because of it also. Even before I drank, I was a night time "thinker", where I'd work through the issues of the day in bed, or relive past hurts.
I also was anxious at night as a child also, thanks to the poster who pointed that issue out.
So, it is a hard habit to break.
I try very hard to jolt myself out of those moments. I have an issue right now I can't solve til Monday, so everytime I think of it, I ask myself, "what can I solve about this right now?". The answer is usually nothing.
I've found timing myself helps too. Yes, mulling over things helps us problem solve, but if nothing's getting resolved, I switch it off. (Easier said, than done!)
Also, you mention a lot of this is past stuff? I don't see how you can resolve that now, other than to forgive yourself and move forward. Living in the past is soul destroying.
If you need to take an antidepressant to get through this phase, it might be well worth it. Your daughter needs to see joy from you. That's something that can't be faked.
Wishing you well.
Sorry you feel the way you do. :/
Funny thing about anxiety...I have only just associated some of the things I do are most likely because of it also. Even before I drank, I was a night time "thinker", where I'd work through the issues of the day in bed, or relive past hurts.
I also was anxious at night as a child also, thanks to the poster who pointed that issue out.
So, it is a hard habit to break.
I try very hard to jolt myself out of those moments. I have an issue right now I can't solve til Monday, so everytime I think of it, I ask myself, "what can I solve about this right now?". The answer is usually nothing.
I've found timing myself helps too. Yes, mulling over things helps us problem solve, but if nothing's getting resolved, I switch it off. (Easier said, than done!)
Also, you mention a lot of this is past stuff? I don't see how you can resolve that now, other than to forgive yourself and move forward. Living in the past is soul destroying.
If you need to take an antidepressant to get through this phase, it might be well worth it. Your daughter needs to see joy from you. That's something that can't be faked.
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
you took me back to when i was alone in my flat when i was trying to get off the booze i hated being in my flat alone with no one to talk to or keep me company, i had no money either or very little so i couldnt even afford a computer or tv
the only way i found any peace of freedom was going along to aa meetings i went day and night it gave me hope and also somewhere i could go to get out of the flat
it soon became a habit for me and a good one for me as i would feel much better and people would go out of there way to try to help me, and give me much needed tips on what i can do with my time etc
i was feeling very sorry for myself trying to live with all sorts of pressures like my 2 young children had been removed and looking back at all i had in my life at one time had now gone and i was just a penniless drunk
in 12 months i got my children back and life just changed for me so much but i never will forget those early days and just how good aa was for me and the people in it
so i could only offer up aa meetings for you as a bit of an escape from it all and who knows it might just help ?
the only way i found any peace of freedom was going along to aa meetings i went day and night it gave me hope and also somewhere i could go to get out of the flat
it soon became a habit for me and a good one for me as i would feel much better and people would go out of there way to try to help me, and give me much needed tips on what i can do with my time etc
i was feeling very sorry for myself trying to live with all sorts of pressures like my 2 young children had been removed and looking back at all i had in my life at one time had now gone and i was just a penniless drunk
in 12 months i got my children back and life just changed for me so much but i never will forget those early days and just how good aa was for me and the people in it
so i could only offer up aa meetings for you as a bit of an escape from it all and who knows it might just help ?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Originally Posted by SoberComposer
I can totally relate to this. I do not have kids but once feared being alone and it was during this that I drank my worst. I am not sure why, because there wasn't a specific traumatic-event that I could think of. For some reason, when I drank, I didn't feel alone and it felt like a party.
I have no answer because i feel each person has their own path to the same hopeful destination of mostly happiness, if they don't give up. I was full of doubts of "who" I was and I felt like a failure! The alcohol poisoned the soil of any nutrient that could grow any kind of real success. I guess that is why it was so confusing. The traumatic-event was a thousand different things that resulted in me losing respect from those around me and caused me to feel like a piece of s--t.
I felt lost and even worse about my future. It scared me that I didn't want to live and for some reason I started to just follow my conscious; like a boat lost in a turbulent sea struggling to follow the north star. This was my first spiritual experience. I also stopped talking and listening to what people were saying at work when it didn't involve work-related discussions. I really became like a nice hermit (lol). Mainly trying only to do good. Holding doors for people and just being nice to others any chance I could. This story is a long one so I won't go into it but after awhile I knew that I deserved to be happy! Even that doesn't "do it" but it is something to hold on to.
I slowly began leaving the shadow of what people "thought" of me, or what I thought they thought of me, and build a new me, even if I was the only one who knew it. People like to put other people in little static boxes of "who they are".. the thing is that we have the choice to grow and thrive into something else. Horrible decisions provide us with a chance to learn and step-up to higher levels. I think is can only be a regret if we continually do what we know is wrong and just live with it. And I, of course, continued to drink but after that I knew i was no longer having fun but instead was medicating. I was medicating the pain of living with continual regret.
I am not sure if this pertains to your specific situation but I wanted to share in hopes it does. Best of luck and always support from us!
I have no answer because i feel each person has their own path to the same hopeful destination of mostly happiness, if they don't give up. I was full of doubts of "who" I was and I felt like a failure! The alcohol poisoned the soil of any nutrient that could grow any kind of real success. I guess that is why it was so confusing. The traumatic-event was a thousand different things that resulted in me losing respect from those around me and caused me to feel like a piece of s--t.
I felt lost and even worse about my future. It scared me that I didn't want to live and for some reason I started to just follow my conscious; like a boat lost in a turbulent sea struggling to follow the north star. This was my first spiritual experience. I also stopped talking and listening to what people were saying at work when it didn't involve work-related discussions. I really became like a nice hermit (lol). Mainly trying only to do good. Holding doors for people and just being nice to others any chance I could. This story is a long one so I won't go into it but after awhile I knew that I deserved to be happy! Even that doesn't "do it" but it is something to hold on to.
I slowly began leaving the shadow of what people "thought" of me, or what I thought they thought of me, and build a new me, even if I was the only one who knew it. People like to put other people in little static boxes of "who they are".. the thing is that we have the choice to grow and thrive into something else. Horrible decisions provide us with a chance to learn and step-up to higher levels. I think is can only be a regret if we continually do what we know is wrong and just live with it. And I, of course, continued to drink but after that I knew i was no longer having fun but instead was medicating. I was medicating the pain of living with continual regret.
I am not sure if this pertains to your specific situation but I wanted to share in hopes it does. Best of luck and always support from us!
I need to keep it close to me.
It does pertain to me very closely.
I think being sober for the length of time I have, I have witnessed how others do put others in 'little static boxes'. I used to do it before. Now I am sober I really try not to do it anymore, although it is still makes me sad watching others do it.
I like to think I have much more compassion and empathy for others now.
Its just a shame when others don't apply the same feelings.
I think sometimes in work situations, people can talk and say things that they thing 'need to be said' or fit in with the corporate culture without thinking how they make that person feel. Its almost like the normal rules of being a nice human being don't apply at work and thats wrong. They should apply.
I need to reminders to stop steering my own boat and trying to control my destiny.
Its something I do, then forget about for a few months and thats when I feel bad again.
I think I might find a nice picture of a boat and put it in my bedroom as a reminder!
Thank you more than you know. xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Last night my daughter was at her Dads.
I forced myself to go to a friends for a few hours. I had to make myself get showered and changed and drive round.
She has twin baby boys that are 5 months old. They are gorgeous. One looks very serious as if to say 'nothing phases me'. Yet the minute his mummy leaves the room he sobs, his little bottom lip quivers.
We just watched television and talked about nothing in particular but I did say I was having problems at night.
One twin fell asleep in my arms.
It was so lovely watching him sleep all contended while he was being cuddled.
When I came home I managed to fall asleep about midnight.
I had no nasty nightmares.
There were no tears.
There was no pacing empty rooms.
It felt a relief this morning.
I am going to go to my doctors and talk about the anxiety and my sleep, as you all suggest.
I just wanted to say thank you all, for your support, the little messages too that mean so much when I feel desperate and come to SR for support. Its lovely having a notification!
All your posts mean so much.
xxxx
I forced myself to go to a friends for a few hours. I had to make myself get showered and changed and drive round.
She has twin baby boys that are 5 months old. They are gorgeous. One looks very serious as if to say 'nothing phases me'. Yet the minute his mummy leaves the room he sobs, his little bottom lip quivers.
We just watched television and talked about nothing in particular but I did say I was having problems at night.
One twin fell asleep in my arms.
It was so lovely watching him sleep all contended while he was being cuddled.
When I came home I managed to fall asleep about midnight.
I had no nasty nightmares.
There were no tears.
There was no pacing empty rooms.
It felt a relief this morning.
I am going to go to my doctors and talk about the anxiety and my sleep, as you all suggest.
I just wanted to say thank you all, for your support, the little messages too that mean so much when I feel desperate and come to SR for support. Its lovely having a notification!
All your posts mean so much.
xxxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I'm glad things are a little better, Sasha. I know it has to be annoying to hear me say this all the time...but it honestly does get better. Booze really messes up your soul. I knew it was killing my health but I didn't realize how much it was destroying my spirit until well after I stopped. Now, 22 months into sobriety, I feel like I'm starting to figure out who and what I am...maybe for the first time.
Maybe your doctor can help with the depression. As others have said there's no shame in it and you may not need meds forever, just til you're through this rough patch.
Hang in there Sasha! It will be sooooo worth it!
Maybe your doctor can help with the depression. As others have said there's no shame in it and you may not need meds forever, just til you're through this rough patch.
Hang in there Sasha! It will be sooooo worth it!
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