Sasha4

Hi

I wanted to write about my night time experiences and see if anyone understands and feels the same.

I hate night times a lot of the time.
As in the time when my daughter is asleep and I alone trying to fall asleep.

Its the time when my mind goes over past events I am not proud of, the negative way I think I am perceived by friends, family and colleagues, my regrets, if the future will be any better.

It starts every evening when the house is quiet, I am alone and the only one awake. It causes me stomach pain. I feel physically ill. It has started me stopping sleeping. Its also made me weepy some nights or it can go to the other extreme of wanting to pace my lonely, quiet house as it makes me so restless.

I've tried distracting myself by reading or coming here, praying, self hypnosis, but the mental torture seems to arrive most nights to taunt me and make me lonely and sad.

I have lots going on in my life that is stressful, but it has happened when things have been going well too.

I just wondered if anyone else was the same.
I'm over 2 years without drinking.

Thanks to all and wishing everyone the best xx

Inchworm

Yes, I can get caught up in that stuff, too. It happens when I believe the trash talk that I tell myself. I'm learning to just listen, touch the thoughts, and let them go. They are just thoughts, you know.

Anna

Yes, Sasha, night times were terrible for me. In fact, that was the reason I knew to keep no alcohol in the house, because for me, those were the times when I felt most vulnerable.

I have a few things I've tried that work. Meditation during the day can help you learn to control your thoughts so that those negative thoughts that flood in can be ignored. Meditation is can help you to keep your mind peaceful and still. When I'm up at night I watch something mindless on tv or I read. I don't use the computer because I find it fuels the chaos in my mind, rather than stilling it. If you develop a comfortable routine when you're up at night, it could help. Routines calm me and if I add some herbal tea, it really helps. Another thing I would suggest is to journal in the daytime. Get those thoughts out of your mind and onto paper long before bedtime.

Kris47

Sasha,

You need a big ole hug!

I have felt this way in the past but slowly I am realizing I am a child of God. As long as I have Him in my life I am all that I need be. I ask Him everyday to show me where He wants me to be.

Also remember that the past is just that. It's over. You're not looking back. I commend you on your length of sobriety. What a wonderful thing for your daughter to see you sober.

Perhaps you could use a little help. Have you spoken to your doctor about how you feel?
Or do you have a friend to talk to? We are here for you in the sense that we can be. Just try to remember you are a wonderful person who deserves to be happy. Try to be kind to yourself and pamper yourself a little. I myself deal with depression but am doing much better since I've quit drinking. Days are still up and down but I have hope for the future.

Wishing you WELL!

Kris

Sasha4

I do dread night times Anna.
Its helpful to know others feel/have felt the same.
I don't have any drink in my house. There is no need. It's just me and my 4 year old at home.

I think the worst thoughts are those where I am not sure what happened.

I don't have concrete evidence.

Then my mind races as I fill in the gaps.
Me filling in the gaps is never a positive exercise.
Its just all bad.
Everything must have been all bad. Its very black and white thinking. If I am involved in anyway where my past drinking is concerned it is bad and everyone thinks bad of me.

Thanks for your posts, they are truly appreciated. xx

Dee74

It makes me sad to think of you hating yourself at anytime Sasha.
You're one of my favorite people here and an inspiration.

Maybe you need to learn to give yourself the same kindness you give so freely to others?

You are what you are - not what you were.
((Sasha))

D

Anna

Sasha, I recommend that you read 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle.

He teaches us how to challenge those kinds of thoughts and to eliminate them, and how to let go of the negative thoughts. It helped me to understand that my thinking was skewed, that I wasn't bad and that people didn't think badly of me.

Soberpotamus

Can you change up your night time routine and shake things up a bit? I've found that by adding in a cup of mint tea or sleepytime tea at night it's like I'm initiating a wind-down mode... and giving myself some tangible "me time" and relaxation. Also, a thick lotion, oil or body butter helps... it smells good, feels good and helps you learn to pamper yourself before bed. Maybe doing something like this could reset your mind from a negative thought pattern toward loving and accepting yourself as you are now.

There are two really good books that might help: Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.

chicory

(((Sasha))) I too have always thought of you as a wonderful part of SR... its always good to see you here and your comments are always warm and supportive.

I think it is mind over matter. Stinking thinking needs to go. It serves no purpose for you now.. YOu are a new creature, and perhaps need to reprogram your mind and throw away the old tapes.

See yourself as your daughter sees you. She loves you, no doubt. You ARE the wonderful loving momma and person that she thinks you are! Would she want you to think less of yourself than you deserve?

sending you a hug, and know that others have had to get rid of that old 'stinkin' thinkin', too. it takes practice, and good self talk. you deserve to be happy!

trachemys

Sounds like that old addictive voice beastie is so beat down that it has to reach into your past to have anything to use against you. It's trying very hard to convince you that you are the same person that was drinking back then so you might as well drink now.

But you aren't that person anymore, are you?

biminiblue

Meditation has been really helpful for me to be able to notice and let go of thoughts.

Also helpful for me has been to allow 10 minutes a day to journal my haunting thoughts. The rest of the day when one of them comes up I say to myself, "Okay, I'll address that in my journal." That way I know I can address it if it comes back up, but mostly it doesn't and I go on with my day/evening.

I swear I'm going to change my signature line to "Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts."

johnnybsober

When I admitted I am an alcoholic it changed a lot of things for me. I had to apologize to my wife for being such a twit. But I didn't dwell on the past. I concentrate on the new path. The sober path. At night I look back at what i did today and what I did well and not so well. Then I look forward to tomorrow. What needs to be done, other goals to accomplish and I write them down

So I guess my advice is plan for the future instead of dwelling in the past.

bigsombrero

Sorry to hear you're having some sad times at night. You have a wonderful daughter and it's probably lonely when she goes to sleep!

Maybe, at some point, you just have to admit to yourself that "everything's okay". It's hard to believe it, but the wolf isn't at the door anymore. In the past, you'd be worried about bill collectors, alcohol, health, job, etc...but now you don't have those things cluttering your mind. It's only natural for people like us to try and scramble to find something to worry about (which can be stressful and depressing in its own right!)

Everything's okay Sasha. Start saying that to yourself. And believing it! I bet you'll start sleeping better at night as you settle in to that reality.

lilgolden73

Yes!! Evenings are on the worst for me

Notmyrealname

You might check with your doctor, see if medication might alleviate some of your troubles, at least in the immediate situation. Some of those symptoms may be treatable with antidepressants (maybe trazodone? it's an a/d that's also prescribed for sleep problems)

Over the longer term, I think living a life you're pleased with and proud of, where your actions and thoughts are in-line with your values, might be part of the solution. The bad memories fade over time, so as long as you're not accumulating more bad memories hopefully things improve, albeit slowly.

Kris47

Lots of good ideas here for you to consider, Sasha.

Put more time and effort into You instead of dwelling on the past. You are worth it!

Happiness is a habit you have to cultivate. During the dark times concentrate on doing nice things for yourself and planning your day ahead. Think about the lovely daughter you have.

See your doctor and get the help you need.

Sending good thoughts and healing prayers your way.

DoubleDragons

My friend told me recently that the Universe only gives us enough energy for the present moment. If we dwell in the past or future trip, our energy gets zapped. The Universe wants us to stay connected to it (our inner peace) at all times and that is why we only have enough energy for the present. When my mind starts wandering to where it should not go to zap my living energy, I gently bring it back to the present with my gratitude list. This morning I felt grateful for my family, of course, but also for the perfume I selected today (such a good scent that I had forgotten about), these cool new sandals that I am wearing that are comfortable and cute. They look like high heeled ballet slippers! I am grateful for the beautiful weather we are having today and the loving bond my son has with our dog. The list goes on and on . . . . By quitting drinking, we are no longer self abusing. We have to remember to stop abusing ourselves with our thoughts, too. Xo

maverickspoint

You need to turn the night time into something to look forward to. I have always been the same at night, a lot of it relates to childhood issues where the night filled me with dread and those feelings are still evident today. I think a big part of my drinking in the past was that it enabled me to be out around people and not have to face the loneliness of the night, even when the night was coming to an end and I was hammered drunk I would do anything I could to get people to come back to mine with me, I'd say hey let's have a party. or let's do some drugs, or chat up girls for sex. I didn't even want sex with these girls I simply didn't want to be alone. Things that have really helped me are physical exhaustion through exercise, don't eat too late in the evening as it's unexpended energy that will keep you ticking over and intense concentration on something prior to bed, not television as it stimulates the brain in the wrong way. If you are creative in any way then drawing, painting or sewing whilst listening to relaxing music can help. Camomile tea helps me feel relaxed as well as warm milk, quick release of melatonin. Scented oils such as lavender can help calm you also and a few drops on your pillow can do wonders.
I really feel for you as a single mother and 2 years sober is a fantastic achievement. This post really touched me and remember this, you are your daughters guardian and when she sleeps at night you are on watch, that should fill your heart with pride and bring a sense of duty to your evenings. We are all here to help each other so any evening you feel low come on here and you will get support.

ReadyAtLast

I have this too. I lie in bed and my mind is full of incessant thoughts going round and round. Sometimes when I just go to bed but usually when I wake in the middle of the night and just can't switch off and go back to sleep. It then makes me tired in the day which makes me feel even worse and the cycle continues.

I don't hate myself but at times do see myself as a failure. I only have 1 child and now too late for any more. My career is at a dead end and I feel I wasted a lot of time and money on education,professional qualifications etc and now do relatively menial work. But then I try and turn it round and look at the positives- I am lucky to even have one wonderful, happy, healthy child, I'm out of the rat race, I live in a beautiful place, have chickens,grow my own veg and have good friends. My life is pretty basic compared to many, not materialistic at all but I'm happy and sober.

I exercise ,do yoga and try to keep stress to a minimum though that is easier said than done much of the time. I've been to my GP and since taking HRT and anti-anxiety meds I am starting to feel much better, or at least it is at a manageable level.

PurpleKnight

Hey Sasha, I can definitely relate, my mind always seems to be very active at night, I always used to drink myself into oblivion each night, but now there's no escape from my thoughts.

I live on my own and pretty much out in countryside, away from any big town, so night times can be very very quiet, when I first quit I could almost hear my heart racing it was that quiet, but still after all this time I find myself alone with so many thoughts racing through my mind.

I think I had to really grasp the idea of living in the present and surrendering to I can't change the past and there's no point in worrying about the future, all I can do is do the best I can in the here and now.

Going to sleep Sober, knowing I made it through another day, setting my alarm clock for the next morning, laying my clothes out for the next day, brushing my teeth, switching the light off and simply being content that I did the best I could do in the 24hrs I was given today, and resolving that I'll try to do the best I can tomorrow too!!

We can be very hard on ourselves sometimes, but if we're doing all we can with the time we have moving forward, what more can be expected!!