You are right, I am lonely.
I also feel different to other people I spend time with, be it by choice or because I have to.
And I know a lot of people away from here feel sorry for me at the moment and think I am having a really hard time, which I am, but that often makes it harder.
I also find it hard to motivate myself or plan to do something.
I look at my garden and my house for example and think it could use some love and then I think whats the point? I don't know anything about where I am going to be in the future. Its just for me so whats the need?
I've sort of got used to the looks I get from doctors when they say ay my appointments 'have you brought anyone with you?' and I say no, just me. When it's been on an emergency basis and they ask who can we phone, I say no-one because all my friends have lives and young children and its easier on them for me to be by myself.
I think even if I had a great big crowd of friends who were free to spend as much time together with me as a group or one on one I would still feel lonely.
I watch couples together and I think I cannot imagine a time in my life at all when I will be a part of that sort of life. Having a partner. Coming home and there being someone else in my house.
I think that is why I tend to isolate myself away.
I know it doesn't work.
It just leads to more ill advised thinking.
I'm sorry everyone, I should be better than this by now.