Aellyce

Hi, welcome to the posting side of SR I'd also been a long time lurker, reading lots on this forum, before I finally decided to give active consistent participation a try. That, the commitment to recovery, and introducing changes in my life has really done the trick for me so far as I have not had a drink for 6 months now. Never tried to quit before.

So you have done multiple detoxes and rehabs and they have not worked too well for you. Why, do you think, that is the case? Because you did not truly invest enough effort into making it work? It sounds like you are hesitant about quitting the substances... Or because these types of approaches are just not the right ones for you? Try new things then - being active on SR is a good start. As LeTheVerte said above, it's a fantastic place for information, support, and "meeting" outstanding people. Maybe try some face-to-face meetings as well?

It sounds like there is a potentially great career ahead of you - do you want to destroy it with drinking and drugs? Because that would happen, most likely, sooner or later. No need to wait and go that far.

I'm not an MD but I've been doing research on various medically-related fields since college. The current one is addiction I also did not have much "higher" education in my family, not even college-level, even though there have been a few naturally talented and intelligent people especially in one of my family lineages, some that created a great career and realized many of their dreams in their own, sometimes eccentric ways. I decided that I wanted to study when I was in high school, so I did. I relate to you in addiction putting a lot of this "self-actualization" (that I've always been pretty passionate about) on hold, it's just downright destructive. I don't see one single aspect of substance abuse being positive, really. Yeah in the early years I enjoyed drinking for sure, but once it stops working and being fun, it'll always be that way. We can't turn time back, so it's best to focus on the present and future constructively.

So, try anew now and try to really invest into recovery - it is so worth it as you could probably see from plenty of posts on this board!

SoberHoopsFan

What don't you know? You've been to rehab 4 times already. The answer is obvious: alcohol and drugs are not working for you, they are destroying your life and will continue to do so as long as you continue to use.

Welcome aboard, you'll find a lot of support here.

bukowski

Yeah, Jules is fine. Stupid moniker anyhow.

The crappy, forced reason is virtually anything I didn't personally sign off on. Which I suppose you've reasonably construed to be literally anything.

Yeah, nothing suits. Everything doesn't.

We're ******. Honestly. As both a doctor and an addict, we have a bizarrely ridiculous culture of intoxication. The best thing I can say for us Brits it that we have a relatively low rate of cocaine use (although I'm biased in a ludicrous sense).

But best of luck! There need be outliers in the statistical trend, and I hope you're one of 'em! In all honesty though, I feel a stupid kinship toward my own countrymen. Stay sharp.

Notmyrealname

Hi Bukowski

Welcome to SR

It sounds like you've got experience at quitting, but you've come back to the bottle more than once. I say people either have trouble quitting or trouble staying quit or both. Quitting is more an effort of will, whereas staying quit is learning a different outlook on life -- but entirely achievable.

I recommend the SR forum where people post their sobriety success stories; seeing how many others have reached a stable sober (and often very content and happy) helped me to realize that I could do it, too.

Alcoholism is a massive self-esteem suck, life is too short to go through it in a perpetual state of self-disappointment.

bukowski

Yeah, you're not wrong. I've heard the success stories, though. My rehab had this whole consumer participation component; all I felt was inadequate. That might seem like a small admission, but it's ******* huge where I'm from (maybe 40% British thing, 60% addict thing).

So there, inadequacy. I'm supposed to be the brightest of the bright. But I'm a ******* idiot.

Let that be inspiring, potential doctors.

bukowski

There's a lot of meat to your post, so I apologise if I don't address it all. I do find it helpful, so thank you.

Obviously, I'm no stranger to quitting and detox. I've had a **** time with both. I think the longest I went was about 7 months without anything. My biggest obstacle has always been alcohol, but lately I've been a bit reliant on blow and roxy. Not in a necessarily addictive way, but obviously in a way that wouldn't be approved of by a single psychiatrist in the UK. So, in that sense, I understand my dysfunction.

My issue is going to sound really ******* arrogant and awful. I wish, more than anything, it didn't.

MD is a little more complicated for us Brits, but I'm an MD so far. What I'm aiming to achieve is a post-grad qualification in traumatic injury. So basically, if you jump off a bridge - I'm there. If you get hit by a car - I'm there. If you get literally bombed in a warzone - that's my specialty.

It's gruesome and it's horrible, but it's my lot in life.

I'm about to be "deployed" (read: not deployed in the military sense) to Syria as a doctor for MSF (Médecins Sans Frontières). I will work as a doctor for a non-profit organisation (i.e. similar to the Red Cross) for 10 months.

I'm scared ********. I'm supposed to be leaving in 5 months but I'm significantly disabled by addiction issues. But I can't let down my team. I'm essentially ******. I need a lot of help.

SnoozyQ

Hiya Bukowski

I'm really glad you posted here . This forum can help you immensely . I'm now one year sober and if i can do it , anyone can .

I have had the failed rehab stints , ok the first one worked for a year !
The 2 nd time less , the 3rd time was a joke !

I can detect how clever you are from the way you articulate . What a waste to have been the only one in your family to become a doctor only to see it pissed away in the blink of an eye , because that's exactly what will happen .

One day i was drinking , 20 years later i woke up and my children had literally grown up


How sad is that !

You , my friend can save yourself that 20 years of heartache , remorse , guilt , and every other ******* emotion that goes with addiction .

You have to stop! You know you do . There is only one way out of this addiction hell and it's not going to get better , it will only get worse , that's why alcoholism is a progressive disease .

I have been on and off naltrexone and campral for years . But the only true way to get well was to want it badly enough myself .

. I know you can do this , you deserve to get your life back .

You seem like a nice person and have worked your arse off to get where you deserve to be .

Be that doctor you know you can be . Take control .

I promise you can do this .

This forum literally saved my life . So many kindred spirits who all want the same outcome . Sobriety ...

Good luck , i know you can do this Bub xxxxxx

Aellyce

I don't see anything arrogant in your post, Bukowski. And I totally understand the fascination with dangerous and scary events, if that's what you have. I think a lot of us with addictions are attracted to drama. I like to explore things that I personally find most terrifying (and usually just as fascinating, maybe I'm a bit of a perv but that's how it is). So I did research on viruses, cancer, developmental disorders, and now drug abuse. The psychiatry field is really the best fit for me and I don't feel like changing area anymore, but who knows what the future will be, really? I'm also originally from Europe and did all my degrees there.

You see, here is the thing. The profession you want to follow requires a total person with not just simply intact judgment but outstandingly functional judgment. You know that drinking and drugs don't help that so I won't preach more.

5 months is quite a long time to do a lot of things to get yourself together, if you really DO it! As a doctor, you have have a few good ideas how to seek the help you may need.

Tempe

Welcome, bukowski. There is a lot of support here. If you heal as well as you write, you must be a fine doctor. Though I fail more than I succeed, I find this forum a place of solace where I feel understood and not judged. I hope you will too.

zerothehero

“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose.” ― Charles Bukowski

Dee74

Hi and welcome Bukowski

Yeah on call Drs need to be available physically and mentally - I'd imagine even more so in place like Syria.

I think you could turn things around in 5 months tho - if you have the desire and the commitment to do so.

There's an Allen Carr book (not the TV guy) that proved useful to me. It's called How to Stop Drinking I think, in the UK.

It forced to me to look at why I drank - stress boredom, to fit in etc etc - and made me look at other more positive less destructive solutions.

I understand there's a similar book by a guy called Jason Vale.

Both are probably worth a read, if you haven't already

D

bukowski

Thank you all for your replies. For the world-salad rambling - I am most contrite.

I'm going to detox on Thursday. Again. When I first went, my brother (just hit 40 and is now terribly adult and demure - has begun to use the word "irresponsible") told me that I had five free passes, and that he'd be gone after I'd used them.

Considering this will be my 7th detox, he's long gone. I haven't spoken to him in 2.5ish years. October of 2012. For some reason I remember that there was a tropical storm in the Caribbean.

Anyway, I don't really have a point. I suppose I've already lost him, but it doesn't feel permanent. If lucky 7 fails, I suspect it will. I don't think I've ever had so much at stake. Should be an aiding incentive, but it just feels like an impending stroke.

And it's a bit weird to save your life before going to an active warzone. Seems redundant. Maybe, if lucky 7 holds, I'll feel like I have a life worth saving. Long shot.

Coldfusion

Have you tried AA? You might be able to get to a special meeting for professionals / doctors for whom there is an extra level of confidentiality.

VikingGF

Because that's what happens here.

It sounds like you don't believe recovery can happen for you. As long as that's how you feel, it won't.

Is this how you have felt during all of your rehab stays and detoxes?

Lisa.

P.S. Recovery can happen for anyone. That means you, if you want it and work for it. Just read around this site a little. You'll see some inspirational transformations.

bukowski

Yeah there's a support group for doctors (and dentists, interestingly. I didn't know dentists had lives. I always thought they slept in their offices) but I really can't bring myself to go and it's exactly the confidentiality thing. I've not even been to treatment within a 4 hour drive from where I live. And England isn't that big. I know I should, but it's petrifying.

Julie59

Welcome Bukowski .another non american here ...but im from Oz ... I tend to read other people posts more than post myself...but still this site does help me in my daily struggles...

Soberr

When it gets bad enough and you are sick of living this way, you will find a way to stop. Until then, I guess it's just not bad enough for you... yet. I went through therapy and rehab 2 times but they didn't make me want to quit. Had an intervention or 2 as well (one was just close family though) My husband helped me want to quit... and then I came to AA. Sober for 4 years minus a recent slip several months back. Even after the slip, I came right back to the program and worked through it by getting honest with myself.

Coldfusion

My wife and I both quit drinking almost two years ago. We started out by going to AA meetings, but she does not still go.

I think a support group would be extremely helpful. There are some who use this site only as their support, but many people need face-to-face support also.

Verte

Hi Jules,

If I may, it appears as if you are indirectly, painfully sabotaging your chosen path in life. Is it possible that you could take a little time and steer things in a different, less adrenaline fueled direction? Maybe this could be part of a new plan instead of the same old, same old?

bukowski

I have a Golden Retriever too, Julie