Angel1555

In the last year I have started hiking, hanging out with other people who have healthy lifestyles so I have sort of laid the groundwork to make quitting easier. I recently quit drinking (just 20 days) and am struggling with getting together with my friends. The thing is that they aren't heavy drinkers. One group of ladies will get together after work on Fridays for dinner and drinks. But for them it is just one drink that they nurse for two hours. Frankly I would rather not have a drink than just have one, but I am not ready to say that yet. They are relatively new friends and I am glad to be included in their group. They are all smart and are doing great things with their lives and I admire them a lot. Right now I am really focusing on weight loss and fitness so I am using that excuse not to drink, but they still urge me to have "just one". I feel like they want me to have a drink to fit it. Maybe that is just my insecurity because I do want to have friends like them but alcohol is often included. I would appreciate any experiences the the rest of you have had with this.

biminiblue

The "just one" comment is all well and good for them.

I don't drink when others do. I haven't lost any real friends over it.

Lots of people don't drink at all.

The "just one" comment? Once you say, "No, thanks," they'll probably drop it. If they keep it up, "I'm not drinking," should suffice. You don't need to elaborate. If they insist, keep repeating the above.

Some people just don't understand boundaries. "No," is a complete sentence.

Nuudawn

My "small talk" skills aren't quite up to snuff yet. They are getting better though. I have twice now actually spoke to someone I bumped into out in the world rather than try and deak away (connecting has suddenly become interesting!). For me, I would have to assess how comfortable I would be just sitting around chatting with these folks sans alcohol.

Angel1555

Nuudawn, I am pretty comfortable chatting with them. In fact I am more comfortable now because I can actually listen to them instead of trying to figure out how I can get another drink without drawing attention to myself. I like them and want to get to know them better. I am trying to build a normal life. It's just that I feel like I have this shameful secret and everyone will notice that I am not drinking and think, yeah, she's not drinking because she has a problem with it. I guess this is a phase I am going to have to go through until I get some confidence and more days under my belt.

Nuudawn

I think we all go through that. I've been round this block so many times I think I have gotten almost blase about my own issue (I mean that in a good way). So what? Alcohol makes me a slovenly, ridiculous, embarrassing mess. Big deal. I'm in the good company of a lot of talented, brilliant minds..artists, writers, doctors, lawyers, scientists yadda yadda yadda. I could go on and on.

It really isn't that big o'l deal. Addiction is everywhere. There are a lot of discontented folks in this world finding solace in some destructive substance or behaviour.

Geez, I think it was Thoreau...well, over a century ago who said "the masses of men lead lives of quiet desperation".

cometk

Sounds like a group that won't pressure you if you say you aren't drinking. A friend of mine in a similar situation would always use the excuse that they were not drinking so they could save the calories for desert.

CK

PurpleKnight

I came to the conclusion that friends should be able to accept my choices in life, so if I'm not drinking and they aren't happy with that, then god forbid I may have to rely on them in an even more serious moment of need in my life compared to getting worked up over whether the liquid in my glass is alcoholic or not, those that couldn't handle or get their heads around it faded off my friends list unfortunately!!

Stick to your resolve to be sober, don't give up your 20 days for anyone or anything, you put the hard work in, why should they take it from you through peer pressure!!

You can do this!!

walkbeformakrun

Mindful,

I'm only a little more along than you in sobriety, five weeks. I have found though that no one seems to notice when I'm not drinking. I thought they would. Hey, I'm the center of attention, no? What could be more important than me? LOL. No, it seems people are much more interested in themselves. Go figure!

My problem is that when I'm not drinking, I don't have much to say. If I drink, I fit in and become "one of the guys." When I don't drink, I turn in to the quiet boring guy with nothing to add to the conversation. I feel awkward, uncomfortable and I avoid being in that situation if I can. When I can't I typically leave as soon as is polite. If I were drinking I'd stay and have fun talking with others, being sociable.

ScottFromWI

You are assuming a lot in that statement, and it's pretty normal to do so. The reality though is that most people couldn't care less if you are drinking or not. The thought really never even crosses their mind. All you need to say is "no thanks" and that's really it. We (alcoholics) obsess over what people might think, but it's really just our obsession with alcohol hanging on after we quit - and we have to remember that most people don't obsess about it at all. They truly don't care.

SoberHoopsFan

I am finding the above to be so true. People simply don't care that I don't drink at social gatherings. Although, a change I made is to avoid social gatherings where the primary purpose of the gathering is to drink.

To the OP, I doubt any of these women will care that you don't drink but you should be firm that you are a non-drinker. Don't leave open the possibility that you may have one "the next time" even though you are abstaining "this time."

Angel1555

Walkbeforemakrun-I know how you feel. I feel like I am a more mellow version of me now that I am not drinking. But I am trying very hard to actually listen to what people are saying when they talk. I usually am too busy getting buzzed and thinking about how I can get my next drink to actually listen to what they have to say. Have you always been this way? Needing alcohol to relax and fit in? Somewhere in there is the same fun person that you are when you are drinking you just need to find the right people and environment that stimulates that part of you.

walkbeformakrun

Mindful - yes I was this way before I drank. Very uncomfortable at social events. There is another guy here like this, Hockeyguy, I think. Anyway, it was drinking that helped me become normal socially. I didn't need a lot. Of course I am here bc I ended up drinking more than a little in the end. And more than just to be sociable. However now I miss having the ability to enjoy social gatherings.

Marcher13

MindfulLiving your new friends won't ask you to have "just one" if you make it perfectly clear that you are not going to drink. A simple "No thanks, I don't drink" works for me. That statement does two things: it says I realise I have the option but no, I am not going to now or in the future.

For me it is a powerful thing to say I am not drinking at all because I would lose face if I did -- as well as everything that goes with drinking in my case.

I make my drink selection without dithering, then I move on to having fun, it works every time and no-one says anything. Scott's right, it's we alcoholics who obsess over the whole thing, not other people.

desypete

i once had an idea to open an non alcohol pub to make life easier for alcoholics to get out and socialize

until i realized i never went out to socialize anyway it was just the booze i went out for.

i play snooker a lot and that means playing in clubs that have bars it doesnt bother at all and all my snooker mates hardly drink anyway as they are there to play snooker so i fit in like a glove

this is all the socializing i do really in places were there are bars or i go out for a meal with my kids to the local pub for some food

i have a wedding to go to next month someone is aa is getting married and there will be a bar there for all the drinkers who will go
it will not bother us in the least and i will mingle with people and know i will have a good time
but its taken me a long time to get this far up the road many many years

but being honest i never did socialize i was to busy getting drunk it was just a fantasy that i pretended to myself

VikingGF

The only ones who care if you're not drinking are the ones who think THEY shouldn't be drinking!

Lisa.

walkbeformakrun

How is it going Mindful? Have you had occasion to see your girlfriends again yet?

Angel1555

I passed up on get togethers on both Friday and Saturday night, but went out with a friend for dinner last night. I am getting together with the group of ladies that I was talking about next Friday I think. I expect at least 4-5 people to be there for dinner at a restaurant. It seems I feel less pressure to drink when in a group because it isn't so obvious that I'm not drinking. Or in other words, the people who are drinking have others to drink with so they don't really care if I am not drinking. (These are the things that my mind is sorting through with my preoccupation with not drinking.)

At the dinner last night there was no pressure from my friend to drink at all. She doesn't drink much anyway and we were going for a hike afterwards so there was no expectation to drink. The thing is that I really wanted a drink. It was the first time in my 3 weeks that I really struggled with it. It was very loud in the restaurant and I was pretty agitated. Couldn't wait to get out of there and we had a wonderful hike.

walkbeformakrun

Sounds like you did very well Mindful. Maybe avoid noisy restaurants in the future. No need to torture yourself while not drinking. Pick a place you know you will be more comfortable.

phoebe64

Well, if you use the diet and health reason for awhile, you can later add, "I just feel so much better these days, I am going to stick with my new plan." If you feel a need to explain.

nigey1

Yep that's what I did. I was into health and fitness anyway so I put out the line that I was off the booze for a time period to train for a competition. Gave me some time to acclimatise and do what was needed.

I kept stretching it out because I was in good shape, saying I was going another 3 months etc.. to keep the fitness up. Now I am throwing out there that I may give up forever because of all the benefits. (2 years later)

Sobriety by stealth... People have gotten used to it except my regular drinking crowd that have naturally drifted away, sad but understandable.

It may be an option to train for something specific, double benefit, you get fit and have another reason not to drink.

I know in a perfect world we shouldn't have to justify ourselves but it worked for me and gave me some breathing room until I built some sober muscles.