Problem
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Problem
My husband of 5 years has always been all about me. I left a fiance for him. I pulled him out of financial ruin and helped to rebuild his credit. I have a great paying, somewhat high profile career... And have always been very confident. Six months ago, he got a new job and is working with a woman 12 years older than him. She soon became a very good friend and he talks about her incessantly. She is also happily married. Problem is that while I am not jealous, I did raise my voice once and got a little confrontational with him about how he constantly talks about her. That was 4 months ago. He thinks Im jealous still and gets very offended when I say anything remotely critical about her. She is nice and we have hung out a few times together and had a very nice time. I am not jealous but this perceived jealousy is in danger of compromising my sobriety. Any suggestions?
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I have spent many years in corporate office environments. There were quite a few married people who had an 'office wife' or 'office husband' so to say. One co-worker of mine told me his wife was convinced he was having an affair with another co-worker because of after work texting which was only work related. His wife was constantly snooping and demanded to see the messages.
It's only human nature to be a little apprehensive when your significant other spends so much of day with someone else of the opposite sex and then comes home and talks abut them instead of you.
It's only human nature to be a little apprehensive when your significant other spends so much of day with someone else of the opposite sex and then comes home and talks abut them instead of you.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Originally Posted by Soberr 
My husband of 5 years has always been all about me. I left a fiance for him. I pulled him out of financial ruin and helped to rebuild his credit. I have a great paying, somewhat high profile career... And have always been very confident. Six months ago, he got a new job and is working with a woman 12 years older than him. She soon became a very good friend and he talks about her incessantly. She is also happily married. Problem is that while I am not jealous, I did raise my voice once and got a little confrontational with him about how he constantly talks about her. That was 4 months ago. He thinks Im jealous still and gets very offended when I say anything remotely critical about her. She is nice and we have hung out a few times together and had a very nice time. I am not jealous but this perceived jealousy is in danger of compromising my sobriety. Any suggestions?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Originally Posted by Wastinglife
I have spent many years in corporate office environments. There were quite a few married people who had an 'office wife' or 'office husband' so to say. One co-worker of mine told me his wife was convinced he was having an affair with another co-worker because of after work texting which was only work related. His wife was constantly snooping and demanded to see the messages.
It's only human nature to be a little apprehensive when your significant other spends so much of day with someone else of the opposite sex and then comes home and talks abut them instead of you.
It's only human nature to be a little apprehensive when your significant other spends so much of day with someone else of the opposite sex and then comes home and talks abut them instead of you.
Oh and yes ladies....I am single if anyone wants to bite
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If you aren't jealous then how is this jeopardizing your sobriety? His perception that you are jealous? Is this threatening your marriage? I wouldn't drink over it. I'd sit down and talk to your husband about how you feel.
I would also probe how you are feeling about this and honestly ask yourself why you are feeling like drinking. When I do that, I usually find it is fear based. In reading what you wrote it sounds as if you might be feeling threatened by your husband's relationship with this woman, even if you aren't jealous. your description of your relationship makes it sound like your husband owes you. That you rescued him from debt, that you gave up something else to be with him, that you were making all the money. Suddenly he has a new job and it can't be all about you now. I would find that a bit disconcerting.
I may be totally off base but that is what I'm seeing in what you wrote and my own experience. I'd sit down and talk to your husband. Tell him how you are really feeling and why. Good luck.
I would also probe how you are feeling about this and honestly ask yourself why you are feeling like drinking. When I do that, I usually find it is fear based. In reading what you wrote it sounds as if you might be feeling threatened by your husband's relationship with this woman, even if you aren't jealous. your description of your relationship makes it sound like your husband owes you. That you rescued him from debt, that you gave up something else to be with him, that you were making all the money. Suddenly he has a new job and it can't be all about you now. I would find that a bit disconcerting.
I may be totally off base but that is what I'm seeing in what you wrote and my own experience. I'd sit down and talk to your husband. Tell him how you are really feeling and why. Good luck.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Originally Posted by Ruby2
If you aren't jealous then how is this jeopardizing your sobriety? His perception that you are jealous? Is this threatening your marriage? I wouldn't drink over it. I'd sit down and talk to your husband about how you feel.
I would also probe how you are feeling about this and honestly ask yourself why you are feeling like drinking. When I do that, I usually find it is fear based. In reading what you wrote it sounds as if you might be feeling threatened by your husband's relationship with this woman, even if you aren't jealous. your description of your relationship makes it sound like your husband owes you. That you rescued him from debt, that you gave up something else to be with him, that you were making all the money. Suddenly he has a new job and it can't be all about you now. I would find that a bit disconcerting.
I may be totally off base but that is what I'm seeing in what you wrote and my own experience. I'd sit down and talk to your husband. Tell him how you are really feeling and why. Good luck.
I would also probe how you are feeling about this and honestly ask yourself why you are feeling like drinking. When I do that, I usually find it is fear based. In reading what you wrote it sounds as if you might be feeling threatened by your husband's relationship with this woman, even if you aren't jealous. your description of your relationship makes it sound like your husband owes you. That you rescued him from debt, that you gave up something else to be with him, that you were making all the money. Suddenly he has a new job and it can't be all about you now. I would find that a bit disconcerting.
I may be totally off base but that is what I'm seeing in what you wrote and my own experience. I'd sit down and talk to your husband. Tell him how you are really feeling and why. Good luck.
Yeah it def sounds like there are some control issues possibly.
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Didnt think about some of that. I always try to appear tough so I never really expose him to my emotions other than showing love... I suppose the control thing could be accurate. I have a very hard time with losing control and I used to be able to control every aspect and treat him etc but now he has his own responsibilities and he doesnt seem to want me to take care of him as much as to be a co-productive member of society... Still we have so much fun and if I ask him what he would do if we never moved to NY and he didn't know this woman and he said he would be bored. I hate to think that Im not enough anymore.
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Originally Posted by Soberr
Didnt think about some of that. I always try to appear tough so I never really expose him to my emotions other than showing love... I suppose the control thing could be accurate. I have a very hard time with losing control and I used to be able to control every aspect and treat him etc but now he has his own responsibilities and he doesnt seem to want me to take care of him as much as to be a co-productive member of society... Still we have so much fun and if I ask him what he would do if we never moved to NY and he didn't know this woman and he said he would be bored. I hate to think that Im not enough anymore.
Yeah it def sounds like that you should address your own control issues by seeking out whatever help you think would be helpful. Self-help, reading, psychology, behavioral therapy, cognitive therapy, counseling, anything that you can to address this issue, and identify that it is your issue. There is nothing wrong with him spending time with a coworker or talking about someone that he admires. That shouldn't make you feel insecure. You are a team and this woman may have qualities that can add to your team. But again, I reallly think this is your issue to deal with in a way that doesn't involve him. Normally it's great to get out feelings with a partner, but unless you are 100% sure that he is doing something wrong it may be best to deal with this issue by not talking to him about it right yet. You don't want to come of as insecure or jealous that will push him away--- I'm a guy I know. Also I've studied a lot of relational psychology. But most importantly this issue is causing you stress that is affecting your sobriety so you need to be a good recoverer and do what ever you can to eliminate this so that you don't drink.
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I see. Ive always had control issues... I think it's genetic... And a lack of control 
honestly, he is doing nothing wrong... I trust him and her 100%... I just wished he acted as excited about coming home as he used to
honestly, he is doing nothing wrong... I trust him and her 100%... I just wished he acted as excited about coming home as he used to
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Originally Posted by Soberr
I always try to appear tough so I never really expose him to my emotions other than showing love... I suppose the control thing could be accurate.
I would truly rather believe that you are indeed afraid (and perhaps jealous) rather than ego injured because you have done so much for him and his attentions are obligatory.
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I don't know...Control issues or not, if your husband is talking about his new friend "incessantly," and then objects when you confront him with this, then something's wrong here. You later added that he said he'd be "bored" if he never met her. Really? So he's reporting to you, his wife, that his new friend fills what seems to be a large void for him, and then expects you to be perfectly happy with his great good fortune. Priceless.
What's going on (or not going on) between the two of them may be more innocent than otherwise, but your husband's talking about his new friend "incessantly" is, at the very least (and in my opinion), an act of passive aggression. Perhaps a backhand stab at what you've described as your "control issues." If nothing else, this whole episode raises a very large and a very red flag, signaling a deeper problem in your relationship than your husband finding a woman at work who prevents him from being "bored."
Though you said you weren't jealous over this, you have every right to feel whatever you do in response to your husband's behavior...jealous or not, controlling or not. I encourage you both to continue to explore this issue with a professional.
What's going on (or not going on) between the two of them may be more innocent than otherwise, but your husband's talking about his new friend "incessantly" is, at the very least (and in my opinion), an act of passive aggression. Perhaps a backhand stab at what you've described as your "control issues." If nothing else, this whole episode raises a very large and a very red flag, signaling a deeper problem in your relationship than your husband finding a woman at work who prevents him from being "bored."
Though you said you weren't jealous over this, you have every right to feel whatever you do in response to your husband's behavior...jealous or not, controlling or not. I encourage you both to continue to explore this issue with a professional.
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Originally Posted by Soberr
My husband of 5 years has always been all about me. I left a fiance for him. I pulled him out of financial ruin and helped to rebuild his credit. I have a great paying, somewhat high profile career... And have always been very confident. Six months ago, he got a new job and is working with a woman 12 years older than him. She soon became a very good friend and he talks about her incessantly. She is also happily married. Problem is that while I am not jealous, I did raise my voice once and got a little confrontational with him about how he constantly talks about her. That was 4 months ago. He thinks Im jealous still and gets very offended when I say anything remotely critical about her. She is nice and we have hung out a few times together and had a very nice time. I am not jealous but this perceived jealousy is in danger of compromising my sobriety. Any suggestions?
In other words, my point of view is that it is not about your husband, but about you.
Is your life founded on the rock or are you building the house of your life on sand ?
Because, when the floods come, house on the rock will stand, and house on the sand shall crumble.
What is to rock of your life ?
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Trust me, the flood has already come. We lost a newborn and that is intensifying this. We are extremely close but he is confiding more in her than in me because he says he says he needs a 3rd party. He still shares a lot with me but I think Im more insecure because everything we planned re a family is falling apart and my job has been hectic. Im losing security in a lot of areas and I am def tempted to drink but I know I wont. Just looking to resolve this feeling... And to above poster... I think it is more than obligatory affection he has for me... I hope. Things have just been different since this woman came i to the picture and I don't like some aspects. Thanks
Plus in the past I have kept things from him. I don't lie but I do try to protect him from information that i feel is not beneficial for him to know... He has found out some and I wonder if that hasnt temp damaged some trust in me
Plus in the past I have kept things from him. I don't lie but I do try to protect him from information that i feel is not beneficial for him to know... He has found out some and I wonder if that hasnt temp damaged some trust in me
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It doesn't just have to be about sex or physical intimacy. If my husband was sharing confidences and a great deal of time with another woman I would be very concerned. If he said he would be bored if he never saw her again that would concern me greatly.
Of course there is nothing wrong with men and women being friends but imo there is a fine line. Sharing confidences and a deep emotional connection with a new friend is dangerous ground.
I agree, it sounds as though you are in control and he owes you. It does sound very unbalanced. Maybe he is just gaining some independence
Of course there is nothing wrong with men and women being friends but imo there is a fine line. Sharing confidences and a deep emotional connection with a new friend is dangerous ground.
I agree, it sounds as though you are in control and he owes you. It does sound very unbalanced. Maybe he is just gaining some independence
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Thanks... Maybe he is just gaining independ. Is it wrong that Im not ok with that? We have discussed my control issues before and he said I will have to learn to live with it. He was not very sympathetic
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Hi, I can give you some feedback from another perspective - I've been "that woman" in your story countless times throughout my life/career. The "nice colleague"/confidant/teacher/creative partner/resented 3rd party... call it anything. With people older and younger, mostly men but some women also... I'm not proud of all these stories and have made some drastic changes in my attitudes in order to avoid causing a mess in people's life unnecessarily, but it happened, part of my past.
I could write many pages about these experiences and what I've learned about the people involved, but will keep it relatively brief because I've learned it's actually not that complicated.
First off, I agree with the posters above making you evaluate your relationship and especially the honesty/intimacy component in it. I think all of us crave close authentic connections, understanding, and non-judgmental attention from others. And yes, perceiving too much control by an intimate partner can be difficult. The genuine intimacy is often present and great when a couple first gets together, but just as often becomes diffuse or inconsistent during years spent together and throughout many of the practical and emotional challenges a long-term relationship entails. People sometimes react to this thinking they are bored, because they crave connection and attention without problems, maybe even novelty or some new learning experience. Superficially, at this phase, many would be prone to projecting these desires onto someone new and seemingly interesting that listens to them... It can also serve as distraction: just think about it, your husband may want to think about work more and whatever they do with this colleague, perhaps because it's different.
I think I've been in this "role" so many times because I tend to be very curious about people and when I was younger, I did not appreciate "formal" boundaries that a professional communication should observe (this is what I had to change). But every single time, when I had these somewhat weird mixed work relationships with people, and it interfered with their home life / "formal" intimate relationship, I saw it was because they actually wanted some sort of informal "therapy"experience. Of course it would have been better for them to seek this from a trained professional and not in free-style from a colleague, but the latter is often easier when there is someone interested and wanting to listen and provide feedback.
There is also the component that you have alluded to briefly: you have your own problems that are not exactly trivial to resolve. I think often people just wish those problems would disappear magically, and when they don't, they tend to get excited in a new friendship that is seemingly drama-free. Distraction. This was also a big factor in my stories. A big delusion also, because I had been everything but problem-free, but avoided letting these problems show... and sometimes this led to people idealizing an image that was fake, really. Or at least only part of the reality.
I really encourage you to have open-minded and as non-judgmental as possible discussions with your husband about this. Tell him how you feel, but NOT in a desperate and suspicious way as that might just turn him off more. Think about what you would like, but also pay genuine attention to how he feels and what he might miss from your relationship. He may be a bit passive aggressive - so on your side, try not to do the same.
I know that this is a bit too much when you are struggling with your own issues and drinking as well... but I think it's most likely that you two need to work a bit on re-establishing the intimacy and openness between you. And he has to make the effort, too, instead of escaping into distractions!
And yes, I think a really good relationship should involve individual space and some independence WITHIN the relationship. This is another reason why many people get excited when meeting someone who lives an apparently independent lifestyle.
I could write many pages about these experiences and what I've learned about the people involved, but will keep it relatively brief because I've learned it's actually not that complicated.
First off, I agree with the posters above making you evaluate your relationship and especially the honesty/intimacy component in it. I think all of us crave close authentic connections, understanding, and non-judgmental attention from others. And yes, perceiving too much control by an intimate partner can be difficult. The genuine intimacy is often present and great when a couple first gets together, but just as often becomes diffuse or inconsistent during years spent together and throughout many of the practical and emotional challenges a long-term relationship entails. People sometimes react to this thinking they are bored, because they crave connection and attention without problems, maybe even novelty or some new learning experience. Superficially, at this phase, many would be prone to projecting these desires onto someone new and seemingly interesting that listens to them... It can also serve as distraction: just think about it, your husband may want to think about work more and whatever they do with this colleague, perhaps because it's different.
I think I've been in this "role" so many times because I tend to be very curious about people and when I was younger, I did not appreciate "formal" boundaries that a professional communication should observe (this is what I had to change). But every single time, when I had these somewhat weird mixed work relationships with people, and it interfered with their home life / "formal" intimate relationship, I saw it was because they actually wanted some sort of informal "therapy"experience. Of course it would have been better for them to seek this from a trained professional and not in free-style from a colleague, but the latter is often easier when there is someone interested and wanting to listen and provide feedback.
There is also the component that you have alluded to briefly: you have your own problems that are not exactly trivial to resolve. I think often people just wish those problems would disappear magically, and when they don't, they tend to get excited in a new friendship that is seemingly drama-free. Distraction. This was also a big factor in my stories. A big delusion also, because I had been everything but problem-free, but avoided letting these problems show... and sometimes this led to people idealizing an image that was fake, really. Or at least only part of the reality.
I really encourage you to have open-minded and as non-judgmental as possible discussions with your husband about this. Tell him how you feel, but NOT in a desperate and suspicious way as that might just turn him off more. Think about what you would like, but also pay genuine attention to how he feels and what he might miss from your relationship. He may be a bit passive aggressive - so on your side, try not to do the same.
I know that this is a bit too much when you are struggling with your own issues and drinking as well... but I think it's most likely that you two need to work a bit on re-establishing the intimacy and openness between you. And he has to make the effort, too, instead of escaping into distractions!
And yes, I think a really good relationship should involve individual space and some independence WITHIN the relationship. This is another reason why many people get excited when meeting someone who lives an apparently independent lifestyle.
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Originally Posted by Soberr
Thanks... Maybe he is just gaining independ. Is it wrong that Im not ok with that? We have discussed my control issues before and he said I will have to learn to live with it. He was not very sympathetic
Of course it's not always so exact but it's not healthy to try and keep someone with us by controlling them, whether financially, emotionally or otherwise. bit of a cliche but if you love someone let them go,if they love you they'll come back to you.
your feelings of concern about the situation with the woman at work are not wrong btw
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Originally Posted by Soberr
Trust me, the flood has already come. We lost a newborn and that is intensifying this. We are extremely close but he is confiding more in her than in me because he says he says he needs a 3rd party. He still shares a lot with me but I think Im more insecure because everything we planned re a family is falling apart and my job has been hectic.
You are not wrong to feel the way you do. Don't sweep your emotions under the rug as "control issues." While you may have control issues (a common trait for so many of us), I think there is more going on here than that.
Best to you, Soberr!
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