Just need to talk
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Sioux Falls, South Dakota
Posts: 1
Just need to talk
Hello,
My name is cara. I'm 28 years old. My older sister is an alcoholic. I remember when we were young how much I always looked up to my big sister, and wanted so much to be just like her. She was always so beautiful and smart. Things started to go downhill after she graduated college... That's when I realized the drinking was much more than just college partying. Since then she has slowly turned into a shell of the beautiful woman that was once there. She cannot hold down a job, or take care of herself. She goes from guy to guy clinging to anyone that will support her financially, until they get sick of the drinking themselves. She has been in several abusive relationships. She can no longer form a proper sentence or hold a conversation with anyone. I'm so scared that this disease is killing her. On top of everything I am nine months pregnant with my first child. My sister keeps asking me if she can be there when I deliver and see my son when he's born. As much as I want her there I'm terrified at the thought of her being wasted and holding my newborn baby. I'm always so afraid to be honest with her and tell her my feelings about this because I worry that it will push her over the edge. She's extremely depressed and sensitive. I don't know what I wôuld do if something I said to her pushed her to harm herself. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice would be extremely helpful. Thank you all for listening, and god bless!
My name is cara. I'm 28 years old. My older sister is an alcoholic. I remember when we were young how much I always looked up to my big sister, and wanted so much to be just like her. She was always so beautiful and smart. Things started to go downhill after she graduated college... That's when I realized the drinking was much more than just college partying. Since then she has slowly turned into a shell of the beautiful woman that was once there. She cannot hold down a job, or take care of herself. She goes from guy to guy clinging to anyone that will support her financially, until they get sick of the drinking themselves. She has been in several abusive relationships. She can no longer form a proper sentence or hold a conversation with anyone. I'm so scared that this disease is killing her. On top of everything I am nine months pregnant with my first child. My sister keeps asking me if she can be there when I deliver and see my son when he's born. As much as I want her there I'm terrified at the thought of her being wasted and holding my newborn baby. I'm always so afraid to be honest with her and tell her my feelings about this because I worry that it will push her over the edge. She's extremely depressed and sensitive. I don't know what I wôuld do if something I said to her pushed her to harm herself. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice would be extremely helpful. Thank you all for listening, and god bless!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey Cara, welcome to the Forum!! 
As a family member looking in on someone else's addiciton it can be very difficult, a person can't be forced to change, they need to make the change themselves. The main thing is to continue with your life, your sister's actions are her own and not anyone else's fault.
You'll find loads of support here on SR, support is important, we also have a Friends and Family section too!!
As a family member looking in on someone else's addiciton it can be very difficult, a person can't be forced to change, they need to make the change themselves. The main thing is to continue with your life, your sister's actions are her own and not anyone else's fault.
You'll find loads of support here on SR, support is important, we also have a Friends and Family section too!!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Tell her she needs to be sober, or she will not be allowed to touch the baby--too much risk of dropping him. No offense--just a precaution!
She should understand. That doesn't sound cruel or judgmental--just practical.
She should understand. That doesn't sound cruel or judgmental--just practical.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by Chicarita 
I'm always so afraid to be honest with her and tell her my feelings about this because I worry that it will push her over the edge.
Second, you are not responsible for your sister.
Her actions, reactions, emotions and what she does or does not do is not your responsibility.
Your responsibility is to you and your child, period.
You need to protect and care for you and your baby. You never know what could happen if you are honest with her. It may push her to seek help.
I know that fear of the unknown is hard to deal with at times but I will take that over not saying what is truly on my mind and in my heart and then having regrets later.
Get the facts on the table now. After the baby is born it will be harder and you won't have the time or the energy to be worrying about her, you need to focus on the baby and that is where it should be.
She is a big girl and she can take care of herself. If she can't then she needs to go and find people that can help her in a AA, treatment center, detox etc. That person is not you. You can support her but you can't do it for her.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Your baby is now your number one priority in life.
Now matter how painful and sad it is to see your sister destroying her life, a new life will need all the love and attention you have.
Congratulations on your baby!
Now matter how painful and sad it is to see your sister destroying her life, a new life will need all the love and attention you have.
Congratulations on your baby!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
good advice above. Please be aware that only the alcoholic can get themselves sober or drunk. We have to want sobriety for ourselves, if not the downward spiral will continue and that result is seldom pleasant but may have the shock value needed.
For you It’s suggested to read and join the Friends and family forum on this site along with going to Alanon meetings in your area.
BE WELL
For you It’s suggested to read and join the Friends and family forum on this site along with going to Alanon meetings in your area.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
congratulations on your coming birth into motherhood.
it is the greatest thing you will ever do in this lifetime and will be filled with wonder and joy that you've never even imagined.
I totally understand how you'd both want to share that with your sister, and be somewhat terrified of the potential negative influence she may bring to the wonderful time of your child's arrival into the world.
I will echo others here - your sister is not your job to 'fix' no matter how you'd love to. Your sister cannot BE 'fixed' - unless she really wants to.
You and your child deserve the most supportive, positive, loving start together possible. If your sister can participate in that process - sober and conscious and aware - in a way that will ADD to the experience and not impact it negatively.... then make it clear to her under what conditions you would allow it.
If your intuition tells you that won't happen.... then be clear and honest with her. Don't worry about her reaction, her feelings, her issues are her OWN. The best gift you can give her is your honesty. Who knows.... perhaps that will engender a real look at herself or a return of honesty wherein she may share that she is aware of her own struggle and wants to change but doesnt know how.....
But - you can't become attached to an outcome or get wrapped up in her story. Alcohol is a damn demon and when it has hold of us, we cannot be dragged out of its warped clutches until we ourselves are ready.
it is the greatest thing you will ever do in this lifetime and will be filled with wonder and joy that you've never even imagined.
I totally understand how you'd both want to share that with your sister, and be somewhat terrified of the potential negative influence she may bring to the wonderful time of your child's arrival into the world.
I will echo others here - your sister is not your job to 'fix' no matter how you'd love to. Your sister cannot BE 'fixed' - unless she really wants to.
You and your child deserve the most supportive, positive, loving start together possible. If your sister can participate in that process - sober and conscious and aware - in a way that will ADD to the experience and not impact it negatively.... then make it clear to her under what conditions you would allow it.
If your intuition tells you that won't happen.... then be clear and honest with her. Don't worry about her reaction, her feelings, her issues are her OWN. The best gift you can give her is your honesty. Who knows.... perhaps that will engender a real look at herself or a return of honesty wherein she may share that she is aware of her own struggle and wants to change but doesnt know how.....
But - you can't become attached to an outcome or get wrapped up in her story. Alcohol is a damn demon and when it has hold of us, we cannot be dragged out of its warped clutches until we ourselves are ready.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
Alcohol is a damn demon and when it has hold of us, we cannot be dragged out of its warped clutches until we ourselves are ready.
I also wanted to add that you may want to have a talk with your doctor about her. You do not have to go into to much detail but a heads up may be warranted.
Alcoholics have this tendency to think that not only do we know everything but we know what is best. It could not be further from the truth but when you are active in your addiction you are not thinking clear.
If you request that she not be there she may show up anyway. A talk with your doctor could prevent any incidents. You should be worried about giving birth and not dealing with a drunk sibling.
I know that may sound extreme but so are active alcoholics!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 322
Your first priority is the safety of your baby. As a mother I will never put anyone's feelings above the well-being of my children. Your sister is an adult and your baby depends on you 100% for survival.
The only person who can change your sister is your sister.
The only person who can change your sister is your sister.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Congrats on the impending birth. 
We have a friends and family of alcoholics forum you might be interested in. Give it a look.
And it's reasonable for you to insist that she be sober if she wants to be there when baby is born.
We have a friends and family of alcoholics forum you might be interested in. Give it a look. And it's reasonable for you to insist that she be sober if she wants to be there when baby is born.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Chicarita, this happened to my sister as well so I know how heartbreaking it can be to see them change from funny and smart to a mess.
If you want her at the birth, tell her she'll have to be completely sober or neither you or the hospital can allow her near the baby. Her drinking is the elephant in the room, and talking about it factually without judgement is the way to go. It has to be mentioned at some point.
I did a lot of research for my sister, looking for addiction doctors, support groups, you name it, but it didn't work. In the end she reduced her drinking herself to just 'problem' levels in the evening, but not before doing some brain damage. Even worse, both her young children moved out to live with their father, and one won't see her as an adult now. It's horrible, but she's an adult and it's her life.
If you want her at the birth, tell her she'll have to be completely sober or neither you or the hospital can allow her near the baby. Her drinking is the elephant in the room, and talking about it factually without judgement is the way to go. It has to be mentioned at some point.
I did a lot of research for my sister, looking for addiction doctors, support groups, you name it, but it didn't work. In the end she reduced her drinking herself to just 'problem' levels in the evening, but not before doing some brain damage. Even worse, both her young children moved out to live with their father, and one won't see her as an adult now. It's horrible, but she's an adult and it's her life.
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