Hawkeye13

Have you read Codependent No More?

I think some research on Codependency would be helpful to you--
You "fixed" him, and now he is asserting more independence from you and not wanting
you to be as "in control of the relationship" as you once were. Hence, your discomfort?

The dynamic is changing, and how you deal with this may be very important to the future of your relationship with him.

I can see how this would be worrying for you--but I can also see why he might want to be more differentiated from his relationship with you as he moves forward in life.
I agree with Ready that he has the same right to being independent as you do.

In short, the power dynamic in your relationship seems to be changing and I don't
think that you will be able to "make" him go backwards. That could have the opposite effect.

You've both had a loss, and that has compounded the issue.

If you are clear and honest with yourself, what ways can this relationship continue to evolve that you think are realistic and give both of you room to grow?
Would talking about this with a therapist help or can you have a "neutral" discussion about it yourselves?

The woman is perhaps just the tip of the iceberg perhaps. . . what do you think?

EndGameNYC

Sure, maybe he's "just gaining independence." Perhaps I've become jaded with my years of working with couples, but a married man who seeks independence (from his wife's assumed control issues) by confiding in a female co-worker who provides a boredom-free zone for him away from home is simply changing horses on the dependence merry-go-round. In it's own way, this is a rebound relationship that has the hallmarks of creating new and carrying on old problems, rather than solving current problems. I'm nearly stunned that this does not seem obvious. Too many kid gloves here.

If he wants to exercise his independence, he should start working out, join a book club, or get a fish tank, for chrissakes. There are better ways for a married man to enjoy independence than confiding in a female co-worker about emotional issues, some of which seem likely to concern his wife's behavior. We already know about his history of seeking out women who are caregivers. Why would this suddenly change? Has he magically acquired tremendous personal insight due to his relationship with is wife? Not bloody likely.

If this were my wife or partner, we'd be starting couples therapy ASAP, "control issues" or not. And if she refused, well then, I'd consider more extreme measures.

LBrain

this ^^^^

Aellyce

Are you sure? Quite a few of my "friends" have found peace and wonderful resolutions in THEIR relationships, because they'd learned, with me, that their other fantasies were unrealistic and actually stupid.

But this^ approach is also often subject to relapses. In my experience, the "relapses" occur when the people stop working on their primary relationships - just like in every aspect of recovery

Nuudawn

Once again I'm in Endgame's corner on this (Thank God you don't live closer EG...I would stalk you).
It appears to me your man is simply switch hittin' here. Given the triangulation with this third party, the phrase "emotional infidelity" comes to mind. I actually read a similar scenario in a boundaries book I'm currently reading. A woman, also having difficulty with her husband's close relationship with a female coworker, voiced her discomfort. She asked him, as her husband, to curtail the relationship for the sake of their marriage. In this scenario, the workmate was actually calling husband at home and they were staying late at work etc. The husband kept telling her it was "her insecurity" etc..and she needed to accept it. She stood her ground. She advised him that she did not feel emotionally safe and that if he insisted on continuing the relationship their marriage would be over. In short, the guy chose to move in with his workmate.

Although the woman had to deal with the dissolution of her marriage...her boundaries, internal intuition and dignity were honoured. She was not living in a sham of a marriage.

In my eyes, what is going on in your relationship is a "911" situation. You should be as concerned as you are.

EndGameNYC

"Unrealistic and actually stupid" because they acquired greater insight, or because you were unwilling to fulfill their fantasies, and thus the object of their fantasies was unavailable? I'll offer up that you'd have no way of knowing whether or not they found their "fulfillment" elsewhere, even if they told you, since self-reports of spouses who are running personal research studies are notoriously unreliable.

Soberr

Im not concerned about our relationship though. I trust him and her 100% and they have given me no reason not to. This isn't a sleazy kind of marriage. We both felt perfect about eachother and still love eachother very much... He acts like he loves me too... It's just he spends a lot of time with her and isn't in a rush to get home as he was in the past. I do not fear an affair etc at all. I fear that I look less perfect in His eyes than I used to and that bothers me. I need to give no ultimatum... It isn't like that! She is 12 yrs older than him. I am 8 yrs younger than him. She is like a best friend (outside of marriage), mother like mentor like person... Not romantic... Though could be if she were younger and both werent married

Nuudawn

I'm sorry..then what again is the problem?

EndGameNYC

Oh my.

Soberr

The problem is that I used to feel almost idolized by him and fun and exciting and like i could provide all he needed and more... Now he has someone else providing that for him and while i trust them, he seems to idolize her more now... And wants to spend extra time with her as well... But the more i say about their friendship the more i am accused of being jealous... And controlling

Soberr

The above answers were helpful though so thank you all

Nuudawn

So...you're not getting as much supply? This is problematic in of itself. So if he's not idolizing you...who is he idolizing now? If you think, that her advanced age keeps you safe.... you might want to watch the flick Don Jon. Great message...bout addiction and what constitutes connection.

EndGameNYC

The only thing better than a caregiver for most men who are so inclined, is an older caregiver.

It's not my intention to stimulate either your jealousy or your suspicions, though this is inevitably part of this process, but I am left wondering whether or not you have close female friends with whom you've shared these issues. If so, what counsel have they provided?

Soberr

Part of my issue with addiction too is that I don't share my problems with others (in person) unless it's a direct confrontation dealing with them.

EndGameNYC

You've split your marriage into two extremes: "perfect" and "sleazy." So, if not one, then it is necessarily the other. "Perfect" always seems the better option.

ESD907

Maybe its just me..but I don't want my husband being 'best' friends with a woman. I don't want him to even call a woman, unless its his sister/aunt, etc. HE would hate if I did also. I'd explain to him how it makes you feel, be honest, you are a bit insecure about it. And I've worked with many male co workers due to nature of my job, and usually, where there is smoke/fire...

EndGameNYC

Oh. So you're NOT stalking me? Pity.

LBrain

wow nuu, I haven't heard anyone use 'triangulation' since I took an effective communication course years ago. EndGame, I'm only a couple hour drive to NYC

Soberr, Many valid points or observations have been shared. I do know from experience that when my spouse was "just friends" with a guy from work, that when she split it wasn't long before they moved in together. That led to my first trip deep inside the bottle. She was a good catholic girl too

Aellyce

Why?

ccam1973

i've got to tell you this sounds complicated.

i've been the guy in one of these scenarios before. 15 years ago, i had a "best friend" relationship with a female co-worker. My girl friend at the time; wife now; didn't see anything wrong with my working relationship.

This girl and i went to lunches, stayed late after work talking, etc. I confided in her with everything. This relationship never turned into a physical affair.

She, my girlfriend and i would also hang out, go to bars together, etc. Long story short, this was not good for anyone involved. I let myself get too close to a co-worker which is easy to do seeing as i spent more time with her than my girlfriend.

Luckily for she moved out of the area. This wasn't before i told my girlfriend that i was moving with her...

Fortunate for me, my girlfriend fought to keep me. We later married and have two wonderful kids and great family life now; outside of my alcohol addiction. Married for 10 years this past June.

Sometimes the unexpected happens when you are dealing with relationships. In my case, my girlfriend was 100% secure and felt she had nothing to worry about. I never thought she had anything to worry about either, until it was too late.

I guess my advice is be careful. As others have said here there are a ton of RED flags waiving. If my wife had a relationship as you describe i would have an intervention quickly.

Again, just my humble opinion as relationships are as different as the people involved in them.

Best of luck!