Windancer

So as a volatile alcoholic, I have in the past been verbally (and occasionally physically) abusive to my partner. When we met, I told him he had to clear out his house of booze entirely or we couldn't be together. I don't think he fully grasped the full extent of my addiction even though I told him straight out. He wanted me to try and "control" it like he does (usually). A few months ago after a week sober, he bought booze as he thought that was enough time for me to "rebalance". After that night, I said, well nothing bad happened, but we still need to abstain. Three days later I came home to him drinking with his accountant. The accountant brought it over. I thought it was clear that no booze be around, he said he didn't know that. Anyhow, after months of him trying and trying to help me moderate, sh*t has hit the fan. I know he now totally gets I need to abstain, and so will he....he stated many times that if I quit he can with me. I believe that to be true.

My question: So he is very very angry and hurt. He is fed up. I get that, and don't blame him. Lately he has been yelling at me, calling me names, insulting me etc. Even though Ive been quiet as a mouse and trying to leave him alone. Ive been trying to let him get it out as he is hurt, but for how long should I put up with the name calling, cruelty and insults? He wanted me to leave yesterday but I had nowhere to go. Im hoping he will be better today, it usually only lasts a day or so. Being angry is one thing, but is it ok for him to be cruel? Or am I just a selfish whining alcoholic?

Windancer

Also, right now I need to look after myself. My nature as a codependent is to do what HE wants me to do.....things around the farm. I know I have responsibilities and im not ignoring them....but my self care has to be first right now. Im just afraid he wont see that and think im just being lazy.

PurpleKnight

Does your partner have a drinking problem also?

I agree that alcohol in the house and him not drinking around you during the early stages of recovery is a compromise that should be reached in a relationship but to expect a complete abstention from a normal drinker for ever isn't realistic, or if he isn't a normal drinker but doesn't want to quit, he needs to do it for himself not for someone else!!

I think you guys just need to sit down and talk about how this is all going to work moving forward!!

Windancer

Purpleknight, I agree we need to sit and talk. Now is not the time though, he is too angry. No, he doesn't have a drinking problem like mine. But he has somewhat of one. He is a quadriplegic and for health reasons alone should not drink.

Windancer

To clarify, he does want to quit.

desypete

he doesnt need to have a drinking problem to have a problem living with an alcoholic, partners end up hating the sight of us at times just for how we are and we can not see how we are towards them as we are just being what we think if normal

i only know there is a problem when someone is angry enough they want me to leave,

by the sounds of things it would be wise to find somewhere else for yourself so you can focus on your drink problem without worrying if he can quit with you or not

i suspect he is angry that he is going to have to stop his way of life just because your the one with the problem and its not fair to expect it from others as its just another way we chain them up

you need to just focus on you at this moment in time and give up the drink because its for you and nothing else
good luck to you

anattaboy

His house? His drinking problem? I fail to see what this has to do with you and your problem. I do understand not having an immediate alternate housing (this happened to me not-so-long-ago) but someone on the fence will only resent if pushed. No need for more relationship karma. Any friends you can stay with for the short term?

Windancer

Reisingwood1, I don't think you understand what Ive said. He doesn't really have a drinking problem, not like I do. I live here with him. I am just wondering what the best scenario for us both is.

Windancer

Sorry, I didn't see your full post for some reason. No, at the moment I have no alternatve housing, though I am looking.

Windancer

And you are right, his drinking is not my problem nor should I focus on it. In my original post I was just trying to give some history.

EndGameNYC

Couples therapy. But, as others have said and suggested, you need to focus on your own recovery. It seems that on this thread and others, your focus remains on your relationship and your desire to have unconditional support from your boyfriend. Some might say that he has become your "Higher Power." This is destructive for both of you. Making meaningful changes in the service of achieving sobriety is not the same thing as making changes that are convenient.

If you have no place else to go or to live, then your demands and ultimatums are toothless. When you throw the boomerang, it comes back twice as hard.

Windancer

Couples therapy is a good idea, and he has agreed to it already. I haven't demanded anything from him or given any ultimatums. We spoke civilly just now and he said he is ready to give up, but its up to me to change his mind by his actions. He said he will stay take me to work, and that I can live upstairs. I am grateful to have this man, really. Many others would have already thrown me to the curb long ago.

Windancer

*by MY actions, not his

Nuudawn

I actually tried to sober initially for the sake of my relationship. Unfortunately, it became clear in pretty short order I could not maintain my sobriety AND the relationship. I kept relapsing whilst in that relationship. In the clarity of sobriety, I was able to see that my relationship was the living embodiment of "addiction". I am blessed because I had somewhere else to live to focus on my sobriety...which is the DEAREST thing in my world right now. You mentioned in another thread that you were checking into an inpatient program. I believe that would be a great answer for you right now. You need to find strength, love and acceptance of yourself within your own being. You are the one you need to love fully and completely. You are the one you need to protect.

Are you able to choose sobriety over this relationship if that's what it comes down to? My relationship addiction issues are as deep, perhaps even deeper, than my alcoholism.

Thatdeliveryguy

Winddancer, such a wonderful women, such a strong well written being. Know that marriage relationships aren't easy. Ever evolving and changing, you didn't say what you want in a relationship?

What do you want? Who are you? What is he? Do you love him? Do you think he loves you? Sorry, but screw the how long question, should you stay with him? The real question is, is this about you or him, the insults the whatever.... No joke, that was there from the beginning regardless of alcohol or addiction right.?

If I am wrong forgive me, I see you responding, makes me think your mind is made up. Well, I think you do love him, or you would be out a long time ago... I think you want to stay, just don't know how right?

Well I am going to tell you a story, my wife and I have gotten on for 16 years ago last Sunday, we got married on my 18th birthday. Infidelity, abuse physical and mental been there and done that! Both of us, I watched her die of acute alcohol poisoning in an ambulance and actually at the hospital too, a few times that night. `

It was that hard lonely muggy night, that I realized I loved that women, and that she has faults but I love her. Love is hard, right, but this crap we do to each other is painful and sucks at times. However, i was that night I realized, I love my wife, the affair doesn't matter , and we need to grow and respect each other and understand why people do what they do!

If you love someone, and want to move on with them embrace it, love them regardless, @#$@#$@ what happens, life happens, as an addict I am sure your life is tumultuous, don't want to leave don't want to stay...... That is human, ride it, get on... why does he say what he says? Why does he react why he does, what does he want... Think about that, why is he the way he is, why are you the way you are, are things going to get better? Are they going to get worse? No matter, if you love someone, what can you do today to make it better, if not today when?

You're lost, don't know what to do, well make a decision, how is your sobriety how is he. You say he isn't an alcoholic is, does it matter. If you need help and he needs help it may not be perfect, but you got to get on one way or another right!

I will never give you a time limit EVER! If I had abounded my wife after her affair, or the abuse or whatever, I would of really missed my chance to bond and love someone more than anyone ever.

Stay safe and sober want to PM me for clarification please do? TDG out for now

Windancer

Nuudawn, first I appreciate all your advice and support. Yes, I have relationship issues. And yes, I believe that if this relationship ends, I will still be commited to being sober, though it may be even harder at first. I am waiting for a call back from the program Im hoping I can enroll in.

Nuudawn

I am so glad to hear this Windancer. It saddens me to realize what I subjected myself to in relationship...I had no boundaries. It feels like sobriety was the only thing I was willing to protect. Whilst drinking my thinking was so muddled. I really thought I could overcome anything. I thought we could fix ourselves..together...despite the outer limits of sanity our conflicts could bring me to. I care for my ex...but his brokenness is beyond my emotional and intellectual capacities to endure.

I could not fix myself..and be there to fix us. I had to choose. Despite wanting his own sobriety and desire for healthy life and relationship. It became clear to me he was only paying that lip service. He was pretty much saying anything and everything to support his own love addiction issues. Water seeks its own level they say.

Hawkeye13

Sometimes we've just broken the plate and it can't be fixed.

There is so much anger and resentment at our behavior when drunk that our partners cannot forgive or resume the relationship in the form it was before our actions happened.

You mentioned physical and verbal abuse. Those are both very serious lines to have crossed, and for many people, physical abuse is a dealbreaker.

Perhaps you and he can work through it. I hope you both find healing, but certainly a Plan B should be in the making--it sounds like you are well aware of this.

Actions do speak louder than words ever will to people dealing with us alcoholics and our endless excuses and BS. Time, and demonstrated recovery may be on your side.

I'm going to be honest here and suggest that you reread your first posting in terms of excuses--when I read it, it seemed to imply that he was responsible for your choosing to drink by bringing alcohol into the house.

I realize that you had agreed to keep it out of the house, but one resentment he might be feeling right now is that it is his house, he doesn't have a drinking problem, and why should he have never drink in his own home because you can't? I'm not picking on you, just trying to reframe things from his perspective. Saying he won't drink to support you is one thing, but actually not being able to have a drink when someone brings over a bottle may not have been part of that. Just thinking.

I do wish you every success in your sobriety and agree the outpatient would really be a good option if you can manage it. Sobriety, whether with this person or not, is absolutely worth having and remember that you can have it if it is your highest priority.

Anna

Windancer, this does not sound like a healthy relationship for you, at least not right now. Living with someone who is verbally abusive is not okay. You will need to decide if his anger is something that you want in your life.

You said you told him about your alcohol problems when you met and then he brought alcohol into the house later. That's okay. If he brings alcohol into the house and drinks it, it's not about you. Those are his choices. You can make your choices. And, choosing not to drink sounds like a good choice for you. There is lots of support here.

Windancer

Hawkeye, I agree with most of what you said. In no way am I blaming Greg for my drinking problems, though he did enable me (didn't know it at the time, he had the best of intentions). However, we had a deal that he willingly agreed to to not bring alcohol in the house at that particular time. He fully supported it. And, he is happy about himself not drinking. He has said it numerous times that he thinks it would be better for him. My last bf resented not being able to drink during my recovery, but Greg has never given me that impression, and in fact has said that he is ok doing that if that's what I need, and I don't think he is paying lip service.