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Much needed relationship advice...

Old 07-19-2014, 10:30 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Anna, the verbal attacks seemed to have stopped today. He has calmed down. One day at a time I guess.
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Old 07-19-2014, 10:59 AM
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This may or may not be relevant to you, Windancer, just one of my stories about a relationship and sobriety. I was in a long-term relationship (~ 3 years) when I decided to get sober for good this January. It was a good one, or at least that's what we both thought and felt for all those years. Not even my drinking affected the peace in it, and not even when, after living together for a while, I decided to move elsewhere on my own - of course primarily to be able to indulge in drinking more without interference. Not that she wanted to interfere much. She has that "premature Buddha" attitude - accepts everything unconditionally, always finds the silver lining in everything, is content, stable - a true peacemaker. The max we sometimes "fought" about was some work-related opinions and disagreements (we work together, still). More like debates.

It's a long story... what I want to say here is that the relationship we both qualified as "wonderful" even at the end of last year or during the first couple months of my sobering up, did not survive the dynamic of my recovery process. All the realizations, changes, shifts in preferences - it was all me, but of course these affected her and our connection as we had great communication and very sincere interactions with each-other. Lots and lots and lots of deep discussions, trying new experiences together, analyzing everything, many desperately heartfelt moments as it was indeed quite difficult to see everything we had for ~3 years drifting apart. But no way to deny it.

So finally we've decided to separate as far as our relationship goes. Still work together and will do so for a long time, I believe. Still have great conversations. So I guess this is one of the stories when people become friends after the closure of an intimate relationship. I still like her very much and I think it's mutual. It's just that things have changed...

The reason why I am telling you this here is because when I first decided to get sober in January, I made a very firm and strict decision that my sobriety was center stage and would be for a good while, no matter what, no matter how it would affect other things. Of course it's best to keep any possible harm to minimum on all grounds. In restrospect (not much time, just a bit less than 6 months), I feel that I'd made the best decision not only for myself but also for my ex-gf.

Keep it up and don't get scared by all the changes and dynamic - it's inevitable!
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Old 07-19-2014, 11:12 AM
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My husband was so happy when I quit and he had just bought a case of white wine for me. I told him it had to go and he looked shocked and then he said he had been wanting me to quit for a long time.

But I wasn't drinking when I met it. Wasn't drinking when we got together. I started drinking after our daughter was born and I had postpartum depression (and 2 other kids). New city, no friends.

My point is, if you met him in the throes of alcoholism, then he may have liked the alcoholic you. He may not want you to change.

And I feel, if he really loves you, he shouldn't bring alcohol into the house. If you were a recovering heroin addict, would he shoot up in the same room? I mean I feel it's the same thing.

If I saw my husband drinking wine, I would feel like that creature in Lord of the Rings "my precious, my precious".

I'm sure alcohol kills more people that the harder drugs just because it's more accessible and more part of our social world.

You can't have alcohol in the house, I totally believe this. If alcohol were in my house, I would have been drinking when my daughter stressed me out yesterday.

Not having it in the house gave me a chance to think and reflect.

I would be pissed if my husband were drinking in the house in full view. Why does he need to drink with his accountant anyhow? If they want to drink and do business, they can go to a bar. If my husband's accountant came over with a bottle of wine to discuss our accounts, I would tell my husband to find another accountant.

Now, my husband doesn't call me names though. That's concerning. Your BF also sounds very controlling.

Be great if you could move out, get healthy and then, when healthy, re-visit the relationship. It may look totally different to you.

You seem very defensive of him which makes me feel you don't really want to hear any of this, just being honest.

My ex-husband was very controlling, they never change, he still tries to be controlling but can't be because he can't seem to get his life together.

He may not want you to quit because he may be worried the sober you won't put up with his verbal abuse anymore.

Trust me, the sober you is going to be a much more amazing person. Some guys get worried, some guys don't want you to be your best believe it or not.

Also, you say, your last BF was resentful not being able to drink during your recovery. So are you sober now and for how long? or is that referencing another time you were going sober.

Also, your post is confusing. You say "after a week sober" he bought booze, then 3 days after that he was drinking again. He may not have as bad a drinking problem as you, but it sure sounds like he has one.

Then you say "but for how long should I put up with the name calling, cruelty and insults?"

answer = never

I'm no Dr. Phil but it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship, just my 2 cents.
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Old 07-19-2014, 11:34 AM
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SoberJuly, this is my first day being sober. I was referring to a few years ago with my ex. I obviously have a long way to go. And I have been verbally abusive to him while loaded, then he gets verbally abusive the day after. I truly believe he wants me sober....if I don't get sober, we are done. And yes, he can be bossy and a bit controlling, and I agree, much of this I don't really want to hear but Im listening and being as open minded as I can. He was always a bit controlling and possessive, but the name calling and insults only occur after I have disappointed and hurt him by being a raging drunk. Hope this clarifies....
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Old 07-19-2014, 11:37 AM
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The "after a week sober" was a few months ago after I got help from a naturopathic doctor and was doing GREAT. Greg was pleased with my progress and proud of me....we got along wonderfully. Then he bought booze, I told him no more please, I have to abstain, and three days later the accountant brought it and I came home to them both drinking. Yes, he does have somewhat of a drinking problem. The times he has driven when he shouldn't have I cant count.
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Old 07-19-2014, 11:38 AM
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He is sick of the drunk me and wants his real girlfriend back. Heck, I want her back too.
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Old 07-19-2014, 11:41 AM
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Greg is almost 20 years older than I am. He also broke his neck in a car accident when he was 27, and is a quadriplegic in a wheelchair. In many ways, ive never had a man treat me so well (aside from when he is fed up after a night of my crazy drunkenness). He can be quite bossy though. He has tried and tried and tried to help me, but I feel that sometimes he has sabotaged me out of ignorance, or something.
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