BlondeTangles

Hi Everyone...

I have been working hard to identify the roadblocks to my recovery and I discovered one today that is obvious but it eluded me until now.

What if I don't really want to quit? Family pressure and finances are forcing me to take a serious look at my use, but if it were up to me I'd never quit. As long as there is money in the bank and a guy at the other end of my phone with my drug, I don't seem to care too much about quitting.

Any tips on how to WANT sobriety? I suspect this is an individual experience.

Has anyone quit when they really didn't want to? Any tips on getting to the place where I care about me again and want sobriety? If I loved me proper wouldn't I want to stop? Does recovery begin with self-love?

Thanks in advance for any help!!

Denise

PurpleKnight

For me I needed to weigh up what my addiction was doing to my life, my health, my finances, my work performance etc etc, I also needed to look at what my addiction was actually giving me in life, and after I got past the myths of boredom and happiness, the reasons we mislead ourselves with for so long, there wasn't very much to show for my money.

We need to really want to quit, but that for me came from caring about myself and my life, in the past I didn't really care so addiction could run riot and destroy what it liked, so I needed to get to a place where I looked in the mirror and thought I'm going to be in control of my life from now on and I care enough about my life to take charge of my addiction.

Survey your life honestly and the answer to why you should WANT to quit will probably be there to find, for me it was.

SoberHoopsFan

Sounds like your AV ("addictive voice") is doing the thinking for you right now, and has seized control of the pronoun "I." Yes, there is probably a part of you that wants to drink/drug with no remorse until your money runs out or you die. But that is probably not what YOU want, or you wouldn't be on this website. To want to quit, you need to separate out those thoughts from the real you, which wants a happy, alcohol/drug-free existence.

But yeah, from what I have seen in rehab, "forced" quitting from family, monetary or legal pressure generally won't stick, it has to come from you to work.

You took a big step in signing up for this website in my opinion, welcome aboard.

aborkie

I never wanted sobriety until I got scared. I was on the fence for a long time, always relapsing. Then all of a sudden I realized the physical damage was real. I just sensed that my body had enough.

Soberpotamus

Those are great questions. I have quit when I felt more pressured to quit than from a desire to truly want sobriety as a permanent way of life. I quit for many reasons... health, vanity, fitness, family pressures, friend pressures, and from just surveying the damage done and what I wasn't accomplishing. I had many sober periods from around the age of 25-26 until I quit finally at age 36. I've probably averaged a sober period every two years or so. But I always drank again.

I think it took me a ten year period to realize that I was truly addicted. And it's taken me about a year of solid sobriety to realize just how much damage I did to myself... mentally, emotionally, physically. And because I couldn't see the full extent of the damage WHILE drinking, I see the danger in a person continuing to drink while justifying and rationalizing and being unaware of the bigger picture.

We are all different, and we are all going to come from different places... so arriving at the place of being ready and wanting to quit is really a subjective thing. And a necessary thing, imo.

LadyinBC

I quit when I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to be drunk. As long as I didn't "really" want to quit, I wasn't going to.

desypete

i know people who have quit to save there relationships and came to aa and found out a whole new way of living etc and still are sober today after 40 years this fellow came to aa for the wrong reasons yet has remaind sober and lives a decent life all to save his relationship
so he didnt want to quit drinking but did lol

Gottalife

"The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking" is the poster version of the third tradition, and if it meant what it appears to say, I would never have been allowed in.

I had no conscious desire to stop drinking. I just wanted the fear and misery to go away. My IQ had been reduced to about my shoe size and I did not connect my problems with alcohol. I just seemed to have massive problems and no solutions.

I had a great fear of drinking, and a great fear of sobriety, I was damned either way. The only light was the little bit of hope I was getting from the people in AA.

They helped me because the third tradition full form says our membership ought to include all who suffer from alcoholism, and they could see it even if I could not. They also worked the fifth tradition, carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

I didn't stay sober out of desire initially, I stayed sober out of absolute fear. I tried to do the 90 in 90 thing and followed suggestions as they became apparent. I had to hear things many times before I could hear them and pick them up. I picked the idea that prayer and higher power were important, and focussed on how to do that.

By 90 days, I was half way through step 9 when the world changed. What was a cold and fearful place became warm and wonderful, the life without alcohol suddenly looked atttractive. From that point on the fear went and was replaced by a desire to stay sober and live this new way of life.

Th effort involved cam from me, and was not to please anyone else, there was no one left to please by this point. But the desire seemed to be born out of something miraculous, I put in a little effort, and was rewarded beyond anything I could have imagined.

Nuudawn

I applaud your honest post BlondeTangles. Sobriety requires an enlargement of your life in all ways. It isn't easy to "man" sobriety 24/7, so in order to proceed something has to motivate or drive ya. For me, I needed some life behind me to see how pathetically small my life, my emotional coping palette, my worth (both financial and esteem) and my overall development truly was.

It's embarrassing to realize that I essentially "lived to party" well beyond that shelf life.

Sobriety for me is about wanting more from life. That's it..that's all.

Gilmer

I really wasn't particularly desirous of getting sober for myself at first, either, BlondeTangles. The way I saw it, my husband kept demonizing me, so I'd try to hide my drinking--and then he'd catch me and his trust would be betrayed, which was a much bigger deal than the actual drinking.

I just couldn't stand to live with his drama anymore, so I tried to quit. I relapsed almost immediately, because I didn't have any real desire in myself to quit. I asked God, "How do I go about actually quitting?"

That day I randomly flipped the Bible open to 2 Timothy 2:20-21, which says:

"In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for special purposes and some for common use. Those who cleanse themselves from the latter will be instruments for special purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work."

In an instant, I did not want to be "common", or mediocre, anymore--I wanted to be holy and pure and useful for higher things than lying on the couch.

I came to SR and it gave me some great support and friendships--plus many practical tips for controlling the urges.

That was my experience.

least

I too quit because I finally wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

DoubleDragons

I watched my mom descend into a full blown alcoholic and I became fearful of getting to her state of addiction. I didn't really want to quit, but I felt like I should give sobriety a fair try, because I had never lived adult life without alcohol. (I started drinking when I was 15 and didn't quit until I was in my early forties) It was the best decision I have ever made in my life. I decided to try sobriety with the full vigor that I had given drinking. I joined SR and I check in daily, I read literally hundreds of pieces of literature and books on alcoholism and I prayed every day for the universe's direction. You cannot truly appreciate how different (and better) your life and perspective will be until you give yourself some true, hard core sober time. (not just abstaining, but really working on recovering, finding your true self, not your clouded one) I encourage you to challenge yourself to an honest try of a meaningful time of sobriety.

Dee74

Hi Denise

I'd been listening to addicted me for so long I couldn't discern any difference between that 'party hard dude' voice and my real one.

Even after nearly dying, I still was hesitant to commit to never drinking again.

The more I came here tho and the more I read and posted (and stayed sober) the more the real me began to re-emerge.

I didn't want to die, I didn't want to live an existence that needed me to be drunk to tolerate it...I didn't want to that 50 year old party hard guy that everyone cringes at....and I gradually began to believe I was better than that.

I deserved more.

Give yourself a break from alcohol - let your real voice re-emerge

D

LBrain

I didn't want to quit. But when I lost my job I figured it's time.

Quit while you can - before something happens to make you wish you never started in the first place.

Ironically, after my event I had a chance to take a good look at my life. I wasted a lot of years. Too bad I didn't recognize this before something really stupid happened.

Anna

I really don't think I could have stopped drinking unless I was motivated to do it for myself, as well as for my family. And, I do think that self-love (or lack of) is at the root of addiction. Truly, would I poison myself if I cared about myself? Of course not. But, it does become a vicious cycle and it's hard to take the first step out of the downward spiral. I hope you decide to stop.

Thepatman

If drinking was healthy, brought me money, made me a better person and did not ruin my relationships, made me perform more at work, brought me closer to god, made me a better father... I would never want to quit...

anchorhold

Thank you - this sounds a lot like my situation -- it's great to hear and congrats to you for being strong.
>AH

SonomaGal

Even if it doesn't make sense yet, be assured that sobriety will improve your relationship with yourself, your finances, your body, and the people and things you care about!

EyesOfAStranger

Hi Denise - I can kind of relate to your situation. For years I knew I should quit, but did I want to? No. I knew what I was doing wasn't right per say, but it made me feel happy and motivated and social and good. Who doesn't want to feel like that? But knowing it wasn't the right thing to be doing I tried to stop. Many times. Many many times. I never stayed quit though. As you said, if I had had endless money and an endless supply - I would have just wanted to keep going.

For me my DOC was oxy and it made me feel wonderful. Until all of the sudden it didn't. Those wonderful feelings were not there anymore, and I just kept trying to chase them. I spent more and more money, higher and higher doses. And not only was I no longer happy, I was miserable, isolated, and unmotivated. And constantly dope sick. It eventually backfires on you....you don't believe your "friend" will do that to you - but it does. You find yourself using just to feel "normal"

Then I was stuck in an awful cycle of needing money, trying to find pills, counting my pills to make sure I had enough to get through until I could get more, not making it, getting sick, and starting over again. As many here say, "I got sick and tired of being sick and tired". That is when I found this site, started reading - read tons of threads. It gave me the motivation to finally get real about making the change to stop once and for all.

I couldn't quit for others, I couldn't quit when I simply just felt like I should quit. I quit when I realized it was more work to use than not, and when I realized I had become a shell of the person I once was. The exact opposite of when I began.

I wish you the best, and hope it does not take 20 years away from you as it did me before you realize - the happy ending it promises you is just a lie. Good luck!

duane1

I quit when my liver told me it was time. Eventually your health will deteriorate from abuse. Even with my liver hurting, it took me months to quit. Don't let it get that far. If you are having family issues then there is a problem.