And Again
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 465
And Again
I can't keep doing this.
I'm ashamed for a number of reasons, but I'm back because I need this to be the end. I cry when I see pictures of new mothers with their newborns, because I know that's not in the cards for me right now as I could NEVER bring a child into this world with a mother so volition and unpredictable. And father, frankly.
We got into an argument after a lovely vacation filled with hiking, togetherness, and a lot of drinking. He's quitting smoking and chose our vacation to do this for himself so he was of course very irritable. I was irritated because I'm the only one with a license and got sick of a.) carting him and the two dogs EVERYWHERE b.) dealing with his nic-fitting tantrums c.) taking care of two poorly paper trained dogs (I've tried, trust me).
I blew up at him. He punched me in the face while I was driving.
I need to stop for myself. I don't know if he can. Clearly we're having some issues with his behavior and that is being dealt with. I've been in an abusive relationship before, which he knows. He's beside himself for what he did to me and spent the night crying, sickened by himself.
So that's where I'm at now. There's more to it, but I need to get ready for work.
Be well xo
I'm ashamed for a number of reasons, but I'm back because I need this to be the end. I cry when I see pictures of new mothers with their newborns, because I know that's not in the cards for me right now as I could NEVER bring a child into this world with a mother so volition and unpredictable. And father, frankly.
We got into an argument after a lovely vacation filled with hiking, togetherness, and a lot of drinking. He's quitting smoking and chose our vacation to do this for himself so he was of course very irritable. I was irritated because I'm the only one with a license and got sick of a.) carting him and the two dogs EVERYWHERE b.) dealing with his nic-fitting tantrums c.) taking care of two poorly paper trained dogs (I've tried, trust me).
I blew up at him. He punched me in the face while I was driving.
I need to stop for myself. I don't know if he can. Clearly we're having some issues with his behavior and that is being dealt with. I've been in an abusive relationship before, which he knows. He's beside himself for what he did to me and spent the night crying, sickened by himself.
So that's where I'm at now. There's more to it, but I need to get ready for work.
Be well xo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
uhm....
He PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE.
Step one - this relationship needs to be over. Now.
Step two - This would be a great time to stop drinking entirely, we're here to help.
Step three - You're on your way to a better life than you ever imagined.
But seriously - get onto step one IMMEDIATELY.
He PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE.
Step one - this relationship needs to be over. Now.
Step two - This would be a great time to stop drinking entirely, we're here to help.
Step three - You're on your way to a better life than you ever imagined.
But seriously - get onto step one IMMEDIATELY.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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I'd like to establish that this is EXTREMELY out of character for him and I sincerely do not know where it came from. He is not abusive in any other way, does not show any abusive tendencies whatsoever (again: been there, done that, never again!) so I am SHOCKED that he behaved this way. I've never seen him cry like that either, beside himself over what he'd done.
I'm suggesting a counselor. He's a wonderful man with his own issues, but the last thing I'd want to do is paint him as a monster when he's really a very caring and supportive man.
I'm suggesting a counselor. He's a wonderful man with his own issues, but the last thing I'd want to do is paint him as a monster when he's really a very caring and supportive man.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
These things are often said about men who abuse by those who abuse....
I hope he gets some help.
I hope in the meantime, you are able to create boundaries that keep you safe.
Out of character or not.... my vote is that being punched in the face by a partner is grounds for immediate relationship termination.
I hope he gets some help.
I hope in the meantime, you are able to create boundaries that keep you safe.
Out of character or not.... my vote is that being punched in the face by a partner is grounds for immediate relationship termination.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Punching someone in the face WHILE they are driving is totally unacceptable. Do not make excuses for him. You deserve better. Stop this crazy train and get off. Instead of suggesting a counselor for him, think of how you can get support for yourself. He can take care of himself. You take care of you. Time to get on with your life and your hopes and dreams.
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FreeOwl, I'm in total agreement.
I've set up boundaries and we're having talks about where to go from here. He needs help for his anger issues just as much as I need help for mine. We're taking it one day at a time.
The wedding is of course being put on a STRICT hold.
I've set up boundaries and we're having talks about where to go from here. He needs help for his anger issues just as much as I need help for mine. We're taking it one day at a time.
The wedding is of course being put on a STRICT hold.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Other than punching you in the face, he's really a "wonderful," "supportive" and "caring" man. Do you not see the disconnect here? That is assault--a criminal act.
That violence IS a part of him.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them--the first time. " (Maya Angelou)
Despite feeling you are not prepared to do this, my advice is to get out, break it off NOW.
He PUNCHED you in the FACE. Leave him.
That violence IS a part of him.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them--the first time. " (Maya Angelou)
Despite feeling you are not prepared to do this, my advice is to get out, break it off NOW.
He PUNCHED you in the FACE. Leave him.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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Out of character does not make something ok . . . how many times do we hear that on the news headlines, "I would never have predicted it" . . . assault is assault no matter whether it was your partner or on the street by a stranger, one isn't any different than the other!! 
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Originally Posted by Alphabet 
I'd like to establish that this is EXTREMELY out of character for him and I sincerely do not know where it came from. He is not abusive in any other way, does not show any abusive tendencies whatsoever (again: been there, done that, never again!) so I am SHOCKED that he behaved this way. I've never seen him cry like that either, beside himself over what he'd done.
I'm suggesting a counselor. He's a wonderful man with his own issues, but the last thing I'd want to do is paint him as a monster when he's really a very caring and supportive man.
I'm suggesting a counselor. He's a wonderful man with his own issues, but the last thing I'd want to do is paint him as a monster when he's really a very caring and supportive man.
It is in sobriety I am actually able to see things A LOT differently. It was easy for things to be easier in the relationship when I was well..somewhat blind, passive and drunk.
BUT sobriety takes work..and you get clarity. You can no longer ignore slough off stuff and pour yourself a drink. You have to DEAL. There is a wonderful SIDE to my man too..and he too has issues..that he has to deal with. He thinks we can do this together. I thought so too...but when his crazy making behaviour, denials, lies and all out gaslighting came to light..it JEAOPARDIZED my sobriety.
In sobriety I am forced to deal with MY OWN issues...which are somewhat impossible in a "sick" relationship.
Sobriety made me see stuff I really didn't want to...in my relationship and in my life.
Are you sober? Forgive me if I misinterpreted something here.
If not...sobriety is JOB 1. For me...IT...above all else.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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hard to imagine how being sober would lead one to see being punched in the face as anything other than absolutely unacceptable in a relationship....
but yeah. Sobriety would be a really good idea from what is described here.
And at minimum some space and time away from the relationship with some clear expectations on the other person's actions to address anger and related issues.
Do people 'grow out' of being abusive? I donno. Maybe he's an alcoholic too? Maybe HE needs to choose sobriety in order to be the person you seem to believe he is despite his having - again - PUNCHED YOU. In the face.
cripes.
but yeah. Sobriety would be a really good idea from what is described here.
And at minimum some space and time away from the relationship with some clear expectations on the other person's actions to address anger and related issues.
Do people 'grow out' of being abusive? I donno. Maybe he's an alcoholic too? Maybe HE needs to choose sobriety in order to be the person you seem to believe he is despite his having - again - PUNCHED YOU. In the face.
cripes.
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I would agree with most of the others here, whatever caused him to punch you in the face still lives inside him. He may be a loving person, but he's also a loving person that not only has the potential for violence, he has demonstrated that he cannot be trusted under any circumstances from this point forward.
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Admittedly..I have never been PUNCHED IN THE FACE. I just know that in a drunken fog we don't see things so clearly. We excuse away stuff cuz..really...our heads aren't on straight. For me I feel like I "woke up" a little with a sober mind.
A drunken mind tolerates what a sober mind will NOT. Sobriety gives you the strength and clarity to do what needs to be done..dontcha think?
It takes herculean strength to leave relationships sometimes...even terrible ones. I just think its damn near impossible when crippled by active addiction.
A drunken mind tolerates what a sober mind will NOT. Sobriety gives you the strength and clarity to do what needs to be done..dontcha think?
It takes herculean strength to leave relationships sometimes...even terrible ones. I just think its damn near impossible when crippled by active addiction.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Originally Posted by Nuudawn
I do not agree that Step 1 is to leave the relationship. Step 1 is to sober up and see if he REALLY is the lovely character you describe. I am in the process of extricating myself from an emotional abusive relationship. It is in sobriety I am actually able to see things A LOT differently. It was easy for things to be easier in the relationship when I was well..somewhat blind, passive and drunk. BUT sobriety takes work..and you get clarity. You can no longer ignore slough off stuff and pour yourself a drink. You have to DEAL. There is a wonderful SIDE to my man too..and he too has issues..that he has to deal with. He thinks we can do this together. I thought so too...but when his crazy making behaviour, denials, lies and all out gaslighting came to light..it JEAOPARDIZED my sobriety. In sobriety I am forced to deal with MY OWN issues...which are somewhat impossible in a "sick" relationship. Sobriety made me see stuff I really didn't want to...in my relationship and in my life. Are you sober? Forgive me if I misinterpreted something here. If not...sobriety is JOB 1. For me...IT...above all else.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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No, Nuudawn.
Waiting to "sober up" could mean death: either by drinking herself to death to numb the pain of this relationship or him killing her with his next PUNCH TO THE FACE.
I have known two people to die by murder in domestic violence and have seen what it does in several other relationships, including two of my own violent relationships. I left both of those relationships after the first act of physical abuse and I was actively using in both of them. Self-respect doesn't have to disappear in the bottle.
Death is forever.
Punched in the face is a dealbreaker. Get out now. Today.
Waiting to "sober up" could mean death: either by drinking herself to death to numb the pain of this relationship or him killing her with his next PUNCH TO THE FACE.
I have known two people to die by murder in domestic violence and have seen what it does in several other relationships, including two of my own violent relationships. I left both of those relationships after the first act of physical abuse and I was actively using in both of them. Self-respect doesn't have to disappear in the bottle.
Death is forever.
Punched in the face is a dealbreaker. Get out now. Today.
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I am in no way saying WAIT to sober up.
I am saying SOBER up .NOW.
Sobriety is what got me OUT of my abusive relationship.
Sobriety is what I had to LOSE.
Somehow my "safety" wasn't worth it.
My SOBRIETY is.
While drinking..I returned and returned and returned and returned.
I am not minimizing the violence..none whatsoever.
I just thinking the ability to leave in active addiction... is slim to none.
Good judgement wasn't my strong suit nor my priority whilst drinking. Drinking was.
But that is only my own personal perspective...as it's what got me out.
I am saying SOBER up .NOW.
Sobriety is what got me OUT of my abusive relationship.
Sobriety is what I had to LOSE.
Somehow my "safety" wasn't worth it.
My SOBRIETY is.
While drinking..I returned and returned and returned and returned.
I am not minimizing the violence..none whatsoever.
I just thinking the ability to leave in active addiction... is slim to none.
Good judgement wasn't my strong suit nor my priority whilst drinking. Drinking was.
But that is only my own personal perspective...as it's what got me out.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I just really don't understand...
If a woman ever punched me in the face, it would be over. Right there. No matter how loving she was.
It baffles me when women tolerate this sort of thing, even find ways to excuse it.
If a woman ever punched me in the face, it would be over. Right there. No matter how loving she was.
It baffles me when women tolerate this sort of thing, even find ways to excuse it.
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