HELP! Trying to get my drinking under control
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HELP! Trying to get my drinking under control
First post here so it's going to be a long one, looking for any support or similar stories you care to share, thanks.
I've been a regular drinker for 10-15 years, and grown into a heavy drinker in the last 5. Reading through the other posts on here I read many of the same patterns as I see in myself: pouring myself a drink the minute I get home from work, thinking about that first drink while at work, sneaking around to try to hide my drinking from my wife and family, you name it.
I'm middle aged and I'm noticing my body deteriorating from the drinking too. I ache every morning when I get up, my joints, my legs, etc, even when I had a light night the day before, the aches and pains seem to be getting worse. I don't know what causes this but it's scary. I've got high blood pressure too which is no doubt caused by the drinking too, I'm sure I'm in the process of wrecking my liver and other organs with this but so far I haven't been able to stop, I always find ways to procrastinate and put it off.
The thing is (and I'm sure every single one of you will say to yourself 'been there, done that' and it 'can't be done') but I ultimately don't really want to quit, I just want to be able to control it again, I want my free will back. I want to be able to not drink for 3 months but then enjoy a night out to celebrate an anniversary or a new job, etc. I want to be a normal person who can socially enjoy a drink or two on occasion without sliding back into the abyss. And I don't care if that's the much harder path, that's what I want. For me it's mostly a matter of needing to possess that level of control on a personal level...hard as it might be, anyone can quit an addiction... but to be able to quit it, expose yourself to it again and not be pulled back in is true strength and that's what I seek here.
I know I can do this because I've done it before, I used to be addicted to both cocaine and cigarettes and I was able to break myself of their hold on me. And I know that because I went clean for years on both, tried them both again and went right back to being free and clean again. Sure I enjoyed them, no denying that, but the craving to fall back into the addiction was broken for me, I had my free will back and I feel I'm in a place where I can make that choice without fear of relapse.
I would like to do the same thing with the drinking and I've already taken the first steps. The way I've had success before is to slowly wean myself off a little at a time...so rather than smoke a pack a day, make it 15 cigs, then 10, then 5, 3, 2, 1, then none (it gets harder near the bottom!). I used to drink a lot of wine, a bottle or two a day even (that's upwards of 10 'drinks' per day), so my first step was to quit that so first I switched to beer and keeping a tally and an eye on the ABV I was able to lower the amount of alcohol I was taking in each day to about half. Next step I switched to Miller 64...which is a ****** beer, but it's low-alcohol, 2.8% instead of the usual 5%-6% per beer I was drinking. So now I've cut down to drinking just 4 of those a day (which equates to 2 normal beers) so I feel I'm making progress here...and I find that just having the cold beer in my hand and tasting it goes a long way towards making it 'feel' the same, because there's so much in addiction that is tied up in rituals and conditioning where you are 'used' to so many things (like having that smoke after a meal for example). I feel like I've kind of plateaued a bit now where I'm keeping at about the same level of intake per day and not increasing, but neither am I decreasing. Has anyone ever tried this technique and do you have any help to share? While I'm encouraged by the progress I've made, I feel a LONG way off my goal still.
thanks for listening
I've been a regular drinker for 10-15 years, and grown into a heavy drinker in the last 5. Reading through the other posts on here I read many of the same patterns as I see in myself: pouring myself a drink the minute I get home from work, thinking about that first drink while at work, sneaking around to try to hide my drinking from my wife and family, you name it.
I'm middle aged and I'm noticing my body deteriorating from the drinking too. I ache every morning when I get up, my joints, my legs, etc, even when I had a light night the day before, the aches and pains seem to be getting worse. I don't know what causes this but it's scary. I've got high blood pressure too which is no doubt caused by the drinking too, I'm sure I'm in the process of wrecking my liver and other organs with this but so far I haven't been able to stop, I always find ways to procrastinate and put it off.
The thing is (and I'm sure every single one of you will say to yourself 'been there, done that' and it 'can't be done') but I ultimately don't really want to quit, I just want to be able to control it again, I want my free will back. I want to be able to not drink for 3 months but then enjoy a night out to celebrate an anniversary or a new job, etc. I want to be a normal person who can socially enjoy a drink or two on occasion without sliding back into the abyss. And I don't care if that's the much harder path, that's what I want. For me it's mostly a matter of needing to possess that level of control on a personal level...hard as it might be, anyone can quit an addiction... but to be able to quit it, expose yourself to it again and not be pulled back in is true strength and that's what I seek here.
I know I can do this because I've done it before, I used to be addicted to both cocaine and cigarettes and I was able to break myself of their hold on me. And I know that because I went clean for years on both, tried them both again and went right back to being free and clean again. Sure I enjoyed them, no denying that, but the craving to fall back into the addiction was broken for me, I had my free will back and I feel I'm in a place where I can make that choice without fear of relapse.
I would like to do the same thing with the drinking and I've already taken the first steps. The way I've had success before is to slowly wean myself off a little at a time...so rather than smoke a pack a day, make it 15 cigs, then 10, then 5, 3, 2, 1, then none (it gets harder near the bottom!). I used to drink a lot of wine, a bottle or two a day even (that's upwards of 10 'drinks' per day), so my first step was to quit that so first I switched to beer and keeping a tally and an eye on the ABV I was able to lower the amount of alcohol I was taking in each day to about half. Next step I switched to Miller 64...which is a ****** beer, but it's low-alcohol, 2.8% instead of the usual 5%-6% per beer I was drinking. So now I've cut down to drinking just 4 of those a day (which equates to 2 normal beers) so I feel I'm making progress here...and I find that just having the cold beer in my hand and tasting it goes a long way towards making it 'feel' the same, because there's so much in addiction that is tied up in rituals and conditioning where you are 'used' to so many things (like having that smoke after a meal for example). I feel like I've kind of plateaued a bit now where I'm keeping at about the same level of intake per day and not increasing, but neither am I decreasing. Has anyone ever tried this technique and do you have any help to share? While I'm encouraged by the progress I've made, I feel a LONG way off my goal still.
thanks for listening
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Hey liquorbeernwine, Welcome to the Forum!! 
I can relate to you not wanted to quit, I didn't want to quit either, alcohol was a great friend to me over the years, and I can also relate to wanting to maintain control over my drinking, I hated the idea of a bottle of mere liquid having one up on me, and haivng such a hold.
But that's were our stories go separate ways, because I now know I can't moderate and had to surrender to that fact, and give up trying to achieve what you'r trying to achieve. I drank to get drunk, I polished off bottles of liquor in a night and cases of beer during weekends, however if I picked up 1 drink now after a period of abstinence, I would once again drink to get drunk.
I tried for a whole year trying to crack moderate drinking and failed miserably, I had to finally surrender it simply wasn't something I could do.
I wish you all the best with your quest!! . . . great to have you onboard here at SR!!
I can relate to you not wanted to quit, I didn't want to quit either, alcohol was a great friend to me over the years, and I can also relate to wanting to maintain control over my drinking, I hated the idea of a bottle of mere liquid having one up on me, and haivng such a hold.
But that's were our stories go separate ways, because I now know I can't moderate and had to surrender to that fact, and give up trying to achieve what you'r trying to achieve. I drank to get drunk, I polished off bottles of liquor in a night and cases of beer during weekends, however if I picked up 1 drink now after a period of abstinence, I would once again drink to get drunk.
I tried for a whole year trying to crack moderate drinking and failed miserably, I had to finally surrender it simply wasn't something I could do.
I wish you all the best with your quest!! . . . great to have you onboard here at SR!!
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Originally Posted by purpleknight 
Hey liquorbeernwine, Welcome to the Forum!!
I can relate to you not wanted to quit, I didn't want to quit either, alcohol was a great friend to me over the years, and I can also relate to wanting to maintain control over my drinking, I hated the idea of a bottle of mere liquid having one up on me, and haivng such a hold.
But that's were our stories go separate ways, because I now know I can't moderate and had to surrender to that fact, and give up trying to achieve what you'r trying to achieve. I drank to get drunk, I polished off bottles of liquor in a night and cases of beer during weekends, however if I picked up 1 drink now after a period of abstinence, I would once again drink to get drunk.
I tried for a whole year trying to crack moderate drinking and failed miserably, I had to finally surrender it simply wasn't something I could do.
I wish you all the best with your quest!! . . . great to have you onboard here at SR!!
I can relate to you not wanted to quit, I didn't want to quit either, alcohol was a great friend to me over the years, and I can also relate to wanting to maintain control over my drinking, I hated the idea of a bottle of mere liquid having one up on me, and haivng such a hold.
But that's were our stories go separate ways, because I now know I can't moderate and had to surrender to that fact, and give up trying to achieve what you'r trying to achieve. I drank to get drunk, I polished off bottles of liquor in a night and cases of beer during weekends, however if I picked up 1 drink now after a period of abstinence, I would once again drink to get drunk.
I tried for a whole year trying to crack moderate drinking and failed miserably, I had to finally surrender it simply wasn't something I could do.
I wish you all the best with your quest!! . . . great to have you onboard here at SR!!
Yeah I know it probably doesn't seem like the smartest way to go about this and I know lots of folks will say I'm setting myself up for failure but I have to at least try and fail first I think right? Or better yet I keep trying and succeed by inches each day, I dunno maybe the whole idea is crazy, I'm just trying to go with something that has worked for me before. Thanks for the kind words.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Hello and welcome! I completely understand your desire to moderate your drinking. I did too.......with disastrous results. I found that by the time I tried to moderate it was already too late. The more I tried to control, the less control I had. People who have a normal relationship with alcohol don't have to "try" to moderate. They do so without thinking. Naturally.
You mentioned quitting cigarettes and cocaine. Yes, you did quit those substances. You then proceeded to "substitute" with alcohol. The fact of the matter is you want to chemically alter your reality. The substance itself is irrelevant to the fact that you don't want to live sober. Which is totally your choice.
Personally, I had to realize that the road washed out behind me years ago and I can never go back the way I came.
Thank you for a thought provoking post.
You mentioned quitting cigarettes and cocaine. Yes, you did quit those substances. You then proceeded to "substitute" with alcohol. The fact of the matter is you want to chemically alter your reality. The substance itself is irrelevant to the fact that you don't want to live sober. Which is totally your choice.
Personally, I had to realize that the road washed out behind me years ago and I can never go back the way I came.
Thank you for a thought provoking post.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Wanted to include this thread for you to read. It has some of the best discussion on this subject I have ever read. In particular the idea that there is a difference between the relationship we WANT to have with alcohol and the relationship we ACTUALLY HAVE with alcohol. I think DisplacedGrits wrote the specific posts. Want to give her credit for some incredible insights.
Best of luck to you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...coholics+drink
Best of luck to you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...coholics+drink
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Yeah I kind of feel the same way as purpleknight. If you have been a heavy drinker for 5 years isn't that enough time to realize that while it may be possible to moderate... It's not worth it? When I realized that I could moderate pretty well, but it wasn't worth it... that's when I quit. Moderating sucks, your not getting drunk all the time, but your also not sober. I'd rather just be drunk all the time or be sober. I did the drunk all the time thing for awhile, now I'm doing the sober thing for awhile, both are pretty good for different reasons, but moderating...just sucks... you don't get any benefits of long term sobriety and you're not drinking as much as you would like... ugh
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Originally Posted by Serper2014
Yeah I kind of feel the same way as purpleknight. If you have been a heavy drinker for 5 years isn't that enough time to realize that while it may be possible to moderate... It's not worth it? When I realized that I could moderate pretty well, but it wasn't worth it... that's when I quit. Moderating sucks, your not getting drunk all the time, but your also not sober. I'd rather just be drunk all the time or be sober. I did the drunk all the time thing for awhile, now I'm doing the sober thing for awhile, both are pretty good for different reasons, but moderating...just sucks... you don't get any benefits of long term sobriety and you're not drinking as much as you would like... ugh
LBW-I used to want that too but now honestly realize I'd tried so many many times and failed.Then I came to SR.
People who drink moderately just do it with no thought,effort or planning. It just is.
A common saying on here is " If you are trying to control your drinking it is already in control of you"
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I would ask why you want to be able to have that one night every three months?
Since I admit I have the cravings and I admit I don't have the ability to moderate, I would not be happy with one day every three months. I tried that. I tried every moderation trick you'll ever hear in an AA meeting. For a couple years I tried moderation. It works for about a minute. I don't want to have a couple drinks, I want the buzz. I chase the buzz. Then the buzz chases me. Then I can't even get a buzz anymore, I just go right to blackout drinking. That's the sad fact of alcohol addiction. The misery is so awful. I didn't lose anything, didn't end up in jail or in a hospital - but it was misery.
Not drinking is by far the easier softer way.
Since I admit I have the cravings and I admit I don't have the ability to moderate, I would not be happy with one day every three months. I tried that. I tried every moderation trick you'll ever hear in an AA meeting. For a couple years I tried moderation. It works for about a minute. I don't want to have a couple drinks, I want the buzz. I chase the buzz. Then the buzz chases me. Then I can't even get a buzz anymore, I just go right to blackout drinking. That's the sad fact of alcohol addiction. The misery is so awful. I didn't lose anything, didn't end up in jail or in a hospital - but it was misery.
Not drinking is by far the easier softer way.
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Originally Posted by liquorbeernwine
I have to at least try and fail first I think right?
The reason why I drank was for the effect, if there was no effect then it was a waste of time, this is why I still don't understand non alcoholic beer, after a while the effect would be non existent if I drank the same quantity over a period of time, and that is the reason why I went from 2 beers a night 5 years ago to drinking a full bottle of liquor a night!!
But on the other hand I have gone round and round in circles trying to crack moderation, and trial and error is maybe what some need to experience.
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Originally Posted by purpleknight
The problem with the idea working for me personally is that the body adapts to alcohol, so after a while only 2 beers for example won't have any effect, the liver adapts and works out how to efficiently deal with the toxins it has to manage, so it therefore takes 3 beers for the same buzz, the liver then adapts and it then takes 4 beers, this is why alcoholism is progressive.
The reason why I drank was for the effect, if there was no effect then it was a waste of time, this is why I still don't understand non alcoholic beer, so after a while the effect would be non existent, and that is the reason why I went from 2 beers a night 5 years ago to drinking a full bottle of liquor a night!!
But on the other hand I have gone round and round in circles trying to crack moderation and trial and error is maybe some need to experience to at least know you've tried it.
The reason why I drank was for the effect, if there was no effect then it was a waste of time, this is why I still don't understand non alcoholic beer, so after a while the effect would be non existent, and that is the reason why I went from 2 beers a night 5 years ago to drinking a full bottle of liquor a night!!
But on the other hand I have gone round and round in circles trying to crack moderation and trial and error is maybe some need to experience to at least know you've tried it.
I noticed this, that it took more and more drinks to get the same effect, but I also had to drink them faster and faster....but everyone knows about tolerance. I think that it was interesting to me that not only did i have to drink more to get the same effect... I wanted more effect as time went on... the longer I drank the higher I wanted my BAC to be at the end of the night.
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HELP! Trying to get my drinking under control
I have no help for you in that respect, but wish you the best of luck with your experiment, one that many of us have read on here and luckily some of them were able to make it back and say it didn't work.
I have no help for you in that respect, but wish you the best of luck with your experiment, one that many of us have read on here and luckily some of them were able to make it back and say it didn't work.
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LBW - the problem is that you are assuming that your strength is unlimited. If I told you I was going to go outside and lift my car over my head I bet you would think it is a crazy idea. For some reason folks don't think about mental limits the same way as physical limits.
I don't really get the appeal of moderation to be honest. I never really wanted to moderate. I just wanted more, and it was never enough to be satisfied. Even if you could 'moderate' it seems like you would just drive yourself crazy between dosings. If you want to prove to yourself how strong you are then why not just quit? There are plenty of other ways to prove to yourself that you are strong. Maybe you could go climb Mt Everest without an oxygen tank. That would be a pretty neat thing for the bucket list.
I don't really get the appeal of moderation to be honest. I never really wanted to moderate. I just wanted more, and it was never enough to be satisfied. Even if you could 'moderate' it seems like you would just drive yourself crazy between dosings. If you want to prove to yourself how strong you are then why not just quit? There are plenty of other ways to prove to yourself that you are strong. Maybe you could go climb Mt Everest without an oxygen tank. That would be a pretty neat thing for the bucket list.
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Wow, I thought this was supposed to be a forum for support and solidarity, not judgement and blind allegiance to some imagined 'end all, be all, solution'? I find most of these responses pretty disappointing and judgmental to be honest. Would you treat depression with a single drug/therapy and tell everyone that that's the only way to get better? Of course not. So why would this be any different? Why is it all 'our way or the highway'?
I feel like most of you didn't even read my post, you just started right in with the mantra, so I'll reiterate. I don't WANT to be sober 24/7, I have absolutely no interest in that at all. And I don't just drink to get drunk or for the buzz, I drink also because I love food and the combination of a glass of fine wine with a perfect grilled steak, or an amber lager with bbq ribs is something I'd rather die than abandon. I want to be able to enjoy fine food and drink with friends and I want to be able to say 'no' and mean it when someone asks me if I want a drink. What I don't want is to drink just to get drunk anymore, and I don't want to drink because I feel I need it.
I understand this is the hard road, but I came here for support and advice, not criticism and judgement.
I feel like most of you didn't even read my post, you just started right in with the mantra, so I'll reiterate. I don't WANT to be sober 24/7, I have absolutely no interest in that at all. And I don't just drink to get drunk or for the buzz, I drink also because I love food and the combination of a glass of fine wine with a perfect grilled steak, or an amber lager with bbq ribs is something I'd rather die than abandon. I want to be able to enjoy fine food and drink with friends and I want to be able to say 'no' and mean it when someone asks me if I want a drink. What I don't want is to drink just to get drunk anymore, and I don't want to drink because I feel I need it.
I understand this is the hard road, but I came here for support and advice, not criticism and judgement.
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I don't think anyone's responses have been unreasonable. You are posting on a site for alcoholics who are in recovery. If you have absolutely no interest in being sober, why are you posting on a ''Newcomers to Sobriety'' forum?
Saying you'd rather die than abandon a beer with some ribs seems pretty problematic to me.
I do, however, understand that you want to enjoy a social drink with friends on special occasions etc. What people are trying to point out here is that it that ultimately doesn't work for alcoholics.
Saying you'd rather die than abandon a beer with some ribs seems pretty problematic to me.
I do, however, understand that you want to enjoy a social drink with friends on special occasions etc. What people are trying to point out here is that it that ultimately doesn't work for alcoholics.
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people are just sharing their experiences of moderation and how they ended up. It's not criticism and judgment-it is reality of what happened to others.
Whilst many people using SR are still drinking the site is extremely supportive and most people here do want to stop drinking,even if they are finding it difficult. you state you don't want to be sober-I don't understand why you 'd sign up to a sober forum.That's not to say you're not welcome of course and I hope it doesn't come across that way. Most of us do try moderation many many times before we realize it doesn't work. I think you are mistaking advice and first hand stories for criticism and judgment.
Whilst many people using SR are still drinking the site is extremely supportive and most people here do want to stop drinking,even if they are finding it difficult. you state you don't want to be sober-I don't understand why you 'd sign up to a sober forum.That's not to say you're not welcome of course and I hope it doesn't come across that way. Most of us do try moderation many many times before we realize it doesn't work. I think you are mistaking advice and first hand stories for criticism and judgment.
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The way I used todrink, moderation just was too much EFFORT. It really became easier just to not drink. I used to love the whole alcohol food combination thing as well but I kept drinking long after the food! If moderation is what your into go for it. Yet, from what you wrote it seams to me you're spending a lot of time and effort thinking and planning it.
Last edited by cardoon; 06-24-2014 at 03:12 PM. Reason: clarification
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Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
people are just sharing their experiences of moderation and how they ended up. It's not criticism and judgment-it is reality of what happened to others.
Whilst many people using SR are still drinking the site is extremely supportive and most people here do want to stop drinking,even if they are finding it difficult. you state you don't want to be sober-I don't understand why you 'd sign up to a sober forum.That's not to say you're not welcome of course and I hope it doesn't come across that way. Most of us do try moderation many many times before we realize it doesn't work. I think you are mistaking advice and first hand stories for criticism and judgment.
Whilst many people using SR are still drinking the site is extremely supportive and most people here do want to stop drinking,even if they are finding it difficult. you state you don't want to be sober-I don't understand why you 'd sign up to a sober forum.That's not to say you're not welcome of course and I hope it doesn't come across that way. Most of us do try moderation many many times before we realize it doesn't work. I think you are mistaking advice and first hand stories for criticism and judgment.
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Originally Posted by Elphaba
Personally I subscribe to abstinence, but perhaps the 'better is better' approach might work for some, you might want to Google HAMS: Harm Reduction Approach to Alcohol.
The way I look at it is that for most people, the 12 step programs of complete abstinence don't work. The best the can claim is 5-10% success rates and I don't want to be in that 90-95%, I'd much rather take a realistic approach to the problem, work hard to mitigate the negative effects as much as possible while whittling away at the amount I drink week by week. And if that means that I can wind up completely sober and not drinking at all, and not wanting to? Then that's great too! I'm just trying to be a realist and set realistic goals for myself, I don't want to set myself up for failure.
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