AA the only way?
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Mandible, that was a well written and carefully composed post. The numbers with your username say that you have been a member for 5 years, and this is your first post! I hope that there is more where that came from, and that we don't have to wait nearly so long. Well done.
Janis, it sounds as though you want and need to learn about other sobriety tools. SoberRecovery has a forum for discussion of non-12 step methods called Secular Connections. You will find a lot of support for you there too.
Most people who were dependent on and addicted to alcohol get sober without a formal program of any kind, and the ratio is about 3 to one according to Project Match, a long term study of over 40,000 individuals. Since you asked about stories from those who got sober without a formal program, my story is here.
Janis, it sounds as though you want and need to learn about other sobriety tools. SoberRecovery has a forum for discussion of non-12 step methods called Secular Connections. You will find a lot of support for you there too.
Most people who were dependent on and addicted to alcohol get sober without a formal program of any kind, and the ratio is about 3 to one according to Project Match, a long term study of over 40,000 individuals. Since you asked about stories from those who got sober without a formal program, my story is here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I did 30 days of inpatient which was 12-step oriented. But for the last year all I have done is therapy and SR. I shouldn't say "all" because for me it has been an incredible year of self-exploration and rebuilding. I know myself well, and am attuned to behavioral styles that fit my personality. I didn't do study groups in college, I tend to be self-sufficient and resilient, and I also trust my own instincts. So far, it's been a pretty good ride.
I did promise myself that if I ever got to a point where I was white knuckling I would throw anything and everything at it. To date, that hasn't happened. I have drawn from the experience of many here, I am grateful that such a forum exists. I should also offer that my mother has over 3 decades of sobriety so recovery talk was a big part of my childhood. I imagine that helped me understand progression and the non-negotiability of trying to moderate. I can't moderate. So I can either drink or have the life I want. There are very few things in life that are sure things. I know that it is a sure thing that if I had continued to drink I stood to lose a lot.
I am not cocky or complacent, I feel not drinking is a highly pragmatic choice as I do believe I am an alcoholic. Someone here put it so well. Continuing to drink when we have a problem is like being a 30 year old hanging around high school parties….that image stayed with me. I will never be able to drink normally again, those days are behind me.
I would say the principles of Rational Recovery most align with my mindset, but I don't have a formal method of recovery.
I did promise myself that if I ever got to a point where I was white knuckling I would throw anything and everything at it. To date, that hasn't happened. I have drawn from the experience of many here, I am grateful that such a forum exists. I should also offer that my mother has over 3 decades of sobriety so recovery talk was a big part of my childhood. I imagine that helped me understand progression and the non-negotiability of trying to moderate. I can't moderate. So I can either drink or have the life I want. There are very few things in life that are sure things. I know that it is a sure thing that if I had continued to drink I stood to lose a lot.
I am not cocky or complacent, I feel not drinking is a highly pragmatic choice as I do believe I am an alcoholic. Someone here put it so well. Continuing to drink when we have a problem is like being a 30 year old hanging around high school parties….that image stayed with me. I will never be able to drink normally again, those days are behind me.
I would say the principles of Rational Recovery most align with my mindset, but I don't have a formal method of recovery.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,515
Janis, you've gotten lots of good advice here.
You will find that many of us here have not used AA and are happily recovering.
I often say that it's the motivation you have, rather than the program you use which is important.
I have used SR as my lifeline for years, and some great books to help along the way.
You will find that many of us here have not used AA and are happily recovering.
I often say that it's the motivation you have, rather than the program you use which is important.
I have used SR as my lifeline for years, and some great books to help along the way.
AAudrey
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Stamford, CT
Posts: 209
Doesn't work?
How can you say it doesn't work if you are still sober? AA works for those who work it. I don't want to find out what will happen to me if I stop going to meetings. AA saved my life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Janis 
I know this isn't a popular idea in AA and I don't want to offend anyone but any shares will be helpful.
But, contrary to what we may hear in AA it is not the only way in which to get and stay sober.
Work the Steps or drink ?? What ?? In the beginning of AA they had no Steps to be worked. And before the 12 Steps there were only 6 Steps.
In the first AA meetings before the Big Book they read religious materials.
AA started in proxy 1935 and ones were getting sober way before that date in time. Thousands of years before.
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi Janis. In and around your area there must be probably 1000+ meetings a day. How about doing some research and going to different meeting till you’re more comfortable with different personalities. Another thought might be just get a coffee pot and a small hall and start your own meeting. I and many people have done it. My reason was to have a small meeting, it was the first night! Just a thought.
BE WELL
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by Janis
I'd like some input from sober members out there that either used AA for a while then decided to do it on their own or people who got sober without AA.
I don't have a problem with the program but I don't feel like the type of program I've been taught in the last two years which includes you aren't allowed to think or you'll drink, going to enough meetings will stop me from drinking or praying will solve my problems. I understand the idea behind it but taking it literally is not working at keeping me sober without taking some accountability into my own hands and meetings don't always help.
I have a strict sponsorship line so that might be part of the turn off for me and maybe there is another way to go but the thing is it's not working for me. The whole point is to stay sober and AA is great to a point but I'm told if you don't do AA or it's not working for you then you aren't truly working the program and it's your fault. I like the support of going to meetings but I need to find what works for me.
I know this isn't a popular idea in AA and I don't want to offend anyone but any shares will be helpful.
Thanks!
I don't have a problem with the program but I don't feel like the type of program I've been taught in the last two years which includes you aren't allowed to think or you'll drink, going to enough meetings will stop me from drinking or praying will solve my problems. I understand the idea behind it but taking it literally is not working at keeping me sober without taking some accountability into my own hands and meetings don't always help.
I have a strict sponsorship line so that might be part of the turn off for me and maybe there is another way to go but the thing is it's not working for me. The whole point is to stay sober and AA is great to a point but I'm told if you don't do AA or it's not working for you then you aren't truly working the program and it's your fault. I like the support of going to meetings but I need to find what works for me.
I know this isn't a popular idea in AA and I don't want to offend anyone but any shares will be helpful.
Thanks!
And if after making some changes, you still feel AA isn't right for you, there are many other options. Please don't feel it's inevitable you will drink if you don't use AA.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Some amazingly insightful posts here.
Just want to add that I left AA because of the cognitive dissonance that you are describing. I was feeling worse when I left a meeting than before I went. I do find value in some of the steps, but much of that wisdom is age old and common sense. I've been happily alcohol free for over 7 years now and I will never go back.
I've also been nicotine free for coming up on 2 years. I never went to meetings to end that addiction, nor do I need them to keep from smoking again and becoming readdicted. I view all my past addictions in that same light.
So, you know how at a fancy pants restaurant they have all that silverware? I am never quite sure which fork to use so I look around to see what others are doing. I did the same when I quit. I looked at people who successfully lived their lives without being drunk or high and I emulated them. I started doing what healthy, normal people do (relative terms, I know, but you get the gist). Once I decided no more alcohol, I set out making my life the way I wanted it to be and working on being the kind of woman I want to be.
A couple of years after I quit, I ran across AVRT and I would have to say that technique most closely mirrors what I did when I quit.
Mandable's post really hit the nail on the head for me, especially the part about constantly finding fault, putting myself down, and feeling like any reasonable pride in a life accomplishment meant I had an overblown ego and was going to drink, or at the very least, live forever as a miserable dry drunk. I came from a very abusive household growing up. Staying quiet, staying small, staying insignificant, and being powerless were concepts I was deeply familiar with, and they were also at the root of some of my most self destructive behaviors. I needed to stop self deprecating and find my power.
Glad you're here and asking questions. This place will give you many different perspectives.
Just want to add that I left AA because of the cognitive dissonance that you are describing. I was feeling worse when I left a meeting than before I went. I do find value in some of the steps, but much of that wisdom is age old and common sense. I've been happily alcohol free for over 7 years now and I will never go back.
I've also been nicotine free for coming up on 2 years. I never went to meetings to end that addiction, nor do I need them to keep from smoking again and becoming readdicted. I view all my past addictions in that same light.
So, you know how at a fancy pants restaurant they have all that silverware? I am never quite sure which fork to use so I look around to see what others are doing. I did the same when I quit. I looked at people who successfully lived their lives without being drunk or high and I emulated them. I started doing what healthy, normal people do (relative terms, I know, but you get the gist). Once I decided no more alcohol, I set out making my life the way I wanted it to be and working on being the kind of woman I want to be.
A couple of years after I quit, I ran across AVRT and I would have to say that technique most closely mirrors what I did when I quit.
Mandable's post really hit the nail on the head for me, especially the part about constantly finding fault, putting myself down, and feeling like any reasonable pride in a life accomplishment meant I had an overblown ego and was going to drink, or at the very least, live forever as a miserable dry drunk. I came from a very abusive household growing up. Staying quiet, staying small, staying insignificant, and being powerless were concepts I was deeply familiar with, and they were also at the root of some of my most self destructive behaviors. I needed to stop self deprecating and find my power.
Glad you're here and asking questions. This place will give you many different perspectives.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Janis, I've been going to AA almost 1.5 years, and it's helped me a lot, especially at first, but I couldn't say I participate in the program any more -- I don't have a sponsor anymore, I quit working the steps or I don't read the literature. I feel like the program forces me to dwell on the past in ways that are currently not good for me.
Why do I stick around? Well, I guess it's the company. It's a good way for me to remind myself I'm not so special. So I keep a toe in. Also, occasionally I feel like I can help someone else. I have taken on a new service commitment. My former sponsor says AA needs some people like me, who aren't dogmatic and also aren't afraid to speak up. I'm sure a lot of people detest me for it, but I just try to help when I think I can, and respect other people in the rooms.
SR has always been my first, main, and best source of support.
Why do I stick around? Well, I guess it's the company. It's a good way for me to remind myself I'm not so special. So I keep a toe in. Also, occasionally I feel like I can help someone else. I have taken on a new service commitment. My former sponsor says AA needs some people like me, who aren't dogmatic and also aren't afraid to speak up. I'm sure a lot of people detest me for it, but I just try to help when I think I can, and respect other people in the rooms.
SR has always been my first, main, and best source of support.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
I actually do a variety of programs. AA is just one of them. I basically go to just be around others and to listen. I also do Women for Sobriety and SMART. I love WFS as it is for woman and it teaches us to empower ourselves and not to be defined by our addictions. Yes, I'm an alcoholic and it is important I remember that, but it is not all that I am. If you want the link to their website let me know.
I basically take what I need from each program and leave the rest. There are things I agree with in each one and things I don't. The things I don't, I know I can come back to them at a later time if I choose to. I don't have to do everything all at once. It's all about learning for me.
I personally think it is important to find things that work for you. If something is not, maybe time to change it up. I know for me I have to do something.
Everyone's journey is very personal and being in recovery means finding things that work positive for you. Just my opinion.
I basically take what I need from each program and leave the rest. There are things I agree with in each one and things I don't. The things I don't, I know I can come back to them at a later time if I choose to. I don't have to do everything all at once. It's all about learning for me.
I personally think it is important to find things that work for you. If something is not, maybe time to change it up. I know for me I have to do something.
Everyone's journey is very personal and being in recovery means finding things that work positive for you. Just my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
While I think AA is valuable support for many people, it's not for me. Women for Sobriety pretty much saved my life though. They also have an online message board and meetings. Go to a F2F meeting in your area. It's incredibly positive and empowering.
Women for Sobriety, Inc.
WFS “New Life” Acceptance Program
1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life and my disease. I accept the responsibility.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious sober act must be to remove negativity from my life.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
19. The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past. I am a new person.
10. All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
To make the Program effective for you, arise each morning fifteen minutes earlier than usual and go over the Thirteen Affirmations. Then begin to think about each one by itself. Take one Statement and use it consciously all day. At the end of the day review the use of it and what effects it had that day for you and your actions.
Women for Sobriety, Inc.
WFS “New Life” Acceptance Program
1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life and my disease. I accept the responsibility.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious sober act must be to remove negativity from my life.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
19. The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past. I am a new person.
10. All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
To make the Program effective for you, arise each morning fifteen minutes earlier than usual and go over the Thirteen Affirmations. Then begin to think about each one by itself. Take one Statement and use it consciously all day. At the end of the day review the use of it and what effects it had that day for you and your actions.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I do not follow AA or any formal program. the whole "powerless" thing and constant slogans turned me off...
I am sober over 3 years, My BEST thinking got me sober....along with the great support I find here, even when we disagree.
what I do is connect here every day, read a lot and try to remember how much better it is NOW than when I was a hot messy, dumb drunk.
I value my friendships, my free time as I can drive anywhere sober, my family and my accomplishments...(not to mention all the $$ I have saved by not spending it on Booze). I'm active, reasonably happy and much healthier.
I did have some relapses (like 95% of the people whether they follow AA or not), but try to learn from them and not keep being an idiot who thinks I can "moderate"...that is exhausting and simply makes no sense for me.
Now I am just happy to be the designated driver and the "sensible one" when we go out.
I am sober over 3 years, My BEST thinking got me sober....along with the great support I find here, even when we disagree.
what I do is connect here every day, read a lot and try to remember how much better it is NOW than when I was a hot messy, dumb drunk.
I value my friendships, my free time as I can drive anywhere sober, my family and my accomplishments...(not to mention all the $$ I have saved by not spending it on Booze). I'm active, reasonably happy and much healthier.
I did have some relapses (like 95% of the people whether they follow AA or not), but try to learn from them and not keep being an idiot who thinks I can "moderate"...that is exhausting and simply makes no sense for me.
Now I am just happy to be the designated driver and the "sensible one" when we go out.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i for one owe aa my life and the people in it as i believe in it with all my heart
but i would never push aa onto anyone or force people, it will only work if a person truly wants it
there are many other options around for people these days and they will all try to help you
i can well understand why some people would be put off aa with some of the things that get thrown at them
like i say i wouldnt force anyone to join aa or read a bb or do the 12 steps i find people will do that if they want to without me trying to force them to it as it simply doesnt work
so good luck to you in which ever way you find the help you might need all i can say is for me i know i can not do this without them as they really have shown me so much
but thats just me and how its worked for me.
but i would never push aa onto anyone or force people, it will only work if a person truly wants it
there are many other options around for people these days and they will all try to help you
i can well understand why some people would be put off aa with some of the things that get thrown at them
like i say i wouldnt force anyone to join aa or read a bb or do the 12 steps i find people will do that if they want to without me trying to force them to it as it simply doesnt work
so good luck to you in which ever way you find the help you might need all i can say is for me i know i can not do this without them as they really have shown me so much
but thats just me and how its worked for me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Sounds like you're just where i was 26 years ago. I didn't accept everything in the AA dogma, never really had a sponsor, but derived enormous benefit from an Agnostics group even though I'm not strictly agnostic or atheist. There was still a lot of wisdom, experience and support in the program for me and I've been sober 26 years now. Don't go to many meetings now. Don't have any cravings. And I've benefitted from lots of the stuff in the Rational Recovery program too even though the dogma there is sometimes that AA is bad for you. I think there's lots of experience and wisdom in both. I see you're in Chicago. A big city like that should have lots of alternative recovery groups and programs available. I'm sure they have agnostics groups. And keep logging in to this SR website. I'm now having to deal with heart problems, have had a new aortic valve put in as well as a Pacemaker. My wife has numerous health issues and together we have lots of anxiety to deal with . I take 15 pills a day for my heart and enlarged prostate conditions, as well as two types of drops for glaucoma. If I were drinking I would not have to take all that medication since I'd be dead.
W.
W.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Welcome back Janis 
SR is full of folks finding recovery in a variety of different ways - there's no harm in looking around for a way that holds the most meaning or makes the most sense to you
D
SR is full of folks finding recovery in a variety of different ways - there's no harm in looking around for a way that holds the most meaning or makes the most sense to you
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TN
Posts: 365
Just remember everyone is successful
if they don't drink. How you get there doesn't really matter. Anyone or any organization that says they are the only answer is a cult in my book and I would stay away as far as possible. Concentrate on the positives of a sober life, saved money, saved married and family life, saved health, you get the picture. I'm going to celebrate 12 months for the first time since 1996 in about a month. A changed mind set and a realization that I still have my free will and my free will is to not drink anymore. It's really simple but not easy. Once you have decided that you want to stay sober more than drunk you have won the battle in my opinion. I have tried a dozen times or more over the years trying to stop drinking or to moderate. Once I had this revelation that I'm sick of this lifestyle and that I really wanted to quite I found the power to resist and not feel pity anymore. I have none of the dry drunk syndrome either like I used to have. Did all this on my own.If I can do it anyone can. Takes some will power and determination. This goes against 12 steps but since I'ts working for me I'm continuing the path I'm on.
if they don't drink. How you get there doesn't really matter. Anyone or any organization that says they are the only answer is a cult in my book and I would stay away as far as possible. Concentrate on the positives of a sober life, saved money, saved married and family life, saved health, you get the picture. I'm going to celebrate 12 months for the first time since 1996 in about a month. A changed mind set and a realization that I still have my free will and my free will is to not drink anymore. It's really simple but not easy. Once you have decided that you want to stay sober more than drunk you have won the battle in my opinion. I have tried a dozen times or more over the years trying to stop drinking or to moderate. Once I had this revelation that I'm sick of this lifestyle and that I really wanted to quite I found the power to resist and not feel pity anymore. I have none of the dry drunk syndrome either like I used to have. Did all this on my own.If I can do it anyone can. Takes some will power and determination. This goes against 12 steps but since I'ts working for me I'm continuing the path I'm on.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
I might just say one more thing, use caution when you start pondering recovery methods/facilities that want to charge you a boat load of money. Sometimes the best help we can get is free. There are numerous free programs out there. I had a friend who spent a ton of money on various rehabs and things and he kept going back out using and drinking, finally one day he found a program that works for him and he is still sober today and he says he wished he had found it before he spent all his darn money!
There are numerous free programs out there. I had a friend who spent a ton of money on various rehabs and things and he kept going back out using and drinking, finally one day he found a program that works for him and he is still sober today and he says he wished he had found it before he spent all his darn money!
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