snowbunting

Warning: this will be rambling. Feel free to ignore, I just wanted to work out some thoughts. I'm going to number my paragraphs to help me process them.

1) It's about a month now since my latest sobriety attempt. It lasted two weeks and since then I've been drinking every three days or so, not in an out of control way but more than would be considered healthy.

2) I just feel like I'm acting in bad faith with trying to quit. I don't know whether I want to or need to quit, or whether I just need more going on in my life to curb my boredom and isolation and defeatist attitude. I know nobody on here can tell me what I should do. I love this site, but I sometimes feel that I don't really belong. I can relate to lots of things people say, but there's so much I can't relate to: I'm not a daily drinker, I don't drink spirits, my binges are not as bad as they used to be (so my drinking has not 'progressed'), I've never blacked out. So I feel like I don't have enough evidence that I need to quit - my drinking is not very different from that of my friends, and they would never consider stopping.

3) I can't say to myself 'you should never drink, you are an alcoholic' if I don't know that it's true. And yet, I'm on this site and I know full well I am not a 'normal' drinker. But there are blurred lines at play here. For instance, I don't believe that 'normal' drinkers are as indifferent to alcohol as many people in recovery make them out to be. My husband is a normal drinker with no hint of a drinking problem, but that doesn't mean he could take it or leave it: if he's had a rough day or is feeling tense, he wants a beer and feels better for it. He doesn't just drink for the taste, he also drinks for the effect. If he could resist his desire to drink after a hard day he would, but he would prefer to drink because it's easier to get rid of his tension that way. He doesn't want to quit drinking alcohol because he would miss it. All these things can be as true of normies as they are of problem drinkers. The important difference, of course, is in the amount: a beer (my husband) v. an evening of beer (me).

4) But if my life was more like his, perhaps my drinking would be too (as it used to be). What follows is not a pity party but a statement of how things are at the moment: My husband has a stimulating career, money, a car and driver's license, a more varied day, more opportunities to travel, more freedom to indulge his hobbies. He also has no family problems or trauma and had a secure and happy upbringing. I have no career (I do volunteer but my self-esteem would really improve if someone wanted to pay me for my services), no money except charity from my husband, no car or driver's license (driving phobia plus no money to pay for lessons) so I'm stuck in a remote part of the countryside, every day is the same, I go for days without seeing anyone (our friends live in other countries mostly), there are so many hobbies I'd like to try or rediscover (gymnastics, diving, crossfit) but can't because I can't afford them and have no means of getting to them. I also have serious ongoing family problems and had an unstable and at times traumatic childhood. This makes me sound utterly pathetic, but it really shows how much of a rut I am stuck in. I am making small efforts to get myself out of it, bit by bit, but I don't see the bulk of it changing overnight. I'm really shy / introverted too so that doesn't help with getting out there. Drinking is a habit I've developed over time because of alcohol's magical ability to both eliminate my boredom, to numb my feelings of failure, and to blot out my fears for the future and my bad memories of the past.

5) I also have two medical conditions which are causing infertility and which are made worse by alcohol. Now you're likely thinking 'if you have a condition exacerbated by alcohol and you still don't quit drinking, you have a brutal drinking problem', and that could well be true. But the conditions are also made worse by wheat, sugar, meat, dairy, soy, caffeine, and potatoes. I already don't eat meat or dairy because I'm vegan, and I quit caffeine and potatoes a year ago, but the idea of cutting all those things out of my diet terrifies me, my life would change so much, I'd never be able to eat out, I would have to cook seperate meals each night for me and my husband, I would miss all the food I used to enjoy, and I don't really know how I would be able to nourish myself as a vegan who doesn't eat wheat, sugar, soy, or potatoes. I've done it for a few days before, but it felt hard and I don't know how I would do it longterm.

And I think I've started to associate quitting alcohol with quitting all of those things too, because there's no point in going half measures: I won't have a chance of being cured unless I cut them all out. And I don't see how I will manage to live like that. It's hard enough just quitting drinking, without all of that as well. I'm feeling majorly cheated by the universe right now

Okay, enough rambling from me. Sorry, I just wanted to clear my head.

desypete

i think to be honest with you although i lost everything in my life thanks to me not stopping drink when i had a chance to stop
it meant when i did finaly give up i had no more battle left inside of me nor need any convincing that drink was bad for me

what i mean is it was easy for me to not have the doubts anymore as there was no doubt about it

if you have lots of things around you and drinking hasnt progressed it would be the wisest thing of all to protect what you have and make sure you dont lose it

but then people think it will never happen to them as there drinking isnt that bad YET

i can not tell you that your an alcoholic only you can decide that and only you can decide if you have a drink problem

why dont you look at how you think you have a problem with drink ? and post back up here what your problem is ?

someone told me off the other day for mentioning aa to them for help and they told me there not that bad and dont wish to be associated with alcoholics, i didnt mean to offend them i was only trying to offer help
and i would offer you the same help and please dont take it as offending you as i dont wish to
but aa can help you decide if your an alcholic or not ? try to go to a meeting and listen to people sharing there storys and see if you fit in to any of them
there are all walks of life in aa its just not a room full of down and outs in fact there are almost no down and outs who go to aa sadly its more full of middle class types of people who havent lost everything yet and stopped in time
but there a great bunch of people

so if your finding it hard to see yourself then why not pop along to a meeting and see for yourself if indeed you are an alcholic or not ?

there is a starter pack at aa that has a simple list of questions for you to answer in the comfort of your own home pick one of them up and take it home and have a go at it

i can not think of anything else at the moment you might wish to try to help you but there are many other forms of help on this site for you

as for your partner drinking after a hard days work that is nomal there is no harm in it but if it was me i would have a drink then more and more and then stay stopped for a while and do it again
the thing that happend to me was the times i stayed stopped got shorter and shorter until in the end i was drinking every day and i lost everything i loved
i just hope i can help others now to not make that same mistake i did if i would of treated my drink problem early enough i wouldnt of ended up in the mess i did

good luck to you

huntingtontx

People who have no drinking problem don't come here. As far as giving up everything on the list, I would work on it one day at a time. One thing at a time. Drinking costs money. You say you don't have money. I don't know why you think you need to give up all the foods on the list. I would sure get a second opinion. It sounds to me like you are a little depressed, and your love of drinking makes it even more depressing to give it up. Normal drinkers have no problem giving up drinking. It does not matter to them. Alcohol is a depressant. It does not lift the spirit and make everything better. It makes them feel down. No advice here except maybe rethink your situation.

doggonecarl

Your dirinking isn't as bad as some people, huh. Okay. Your first post to SR contained this statement:

"Drinking had become a massive problem in my life."

A massive problem. Maybe not as massive as my problem, or as massive as anyone else's problem...but a massive problem in YOUR life.

The only life that matters.

Careful about negotiating with your addiction. You'll come out on the short end, every time.

littlefish

1) Normal drinkers never have to try to cut down. The thought never enters their mind.

2) Comparing your drinking to your friends is never going to be accurate. You don't know if they go home after 2 drinks in the bar and proceed to drink themselves senseless when nobody is there to see them.

3) The blurred lines you are trying to see between alcoholics and non-alcoholics could very well be a mental device your subconscious mind is using to avoid the truth about your problem. There is no blurred line. There is a very distinct line. Normal drinkers simply don't have the same response to alcohol that we have. It is not the difference in amount: it is why we drink.

4) Alcohol is a general depressant of the nervous system and prolonged drinking actually causes depression. Normal people don't drink to numb or forget. When I drank chronically, that is precisely the reason why I drank: to numb and forget.

5) A special diet doesn't have to be a death sentence. I am diabetic and can't eat sugar or fast carbs, so I have cut wheat/pasta/white rice and potatoes out of my diet. I use sugar substitute and ancient grains or nut flours. I cut dairy out of my life years ago and don't feel the need to eat much soy. I am a borderline vegetarian and find that vegan foods and sugar free foods are actually better than ever. The recipes and products available now are constantly being improved and are a huge improvement over what was once available.

You may not like hearing this, but your attitude is really very common in early recovery. The rationalizing, blowing problems out of proportion, the hopelessness and feeling of being overwhelmed: we've all been there. It really does get better in sobriety, but I know it's hard to see in the beginning. Try to stick it out!

ReadyAtLast

If it's a problem for you then it's a problem. It doesn't matter what others do nor does it matter what you call yourself.

Hello from a fellow SR member in Scotland

snowbunting

Thanks, as always, everyone.

desypete - many thanks for your suggestions. I hope it's all right if I pass on the AA thing - I'm positive that it's a great group, and full of really good people, but I just don't believe in the higher power stuff and would not feel comfortable with it working the steps for that reason. There are other programmes out there I believe, and maybe one of them could be what I need, but again I have this strong thought in my head that my drinking is largely circumstantial. I'm thinking at the moment that what I should really do is change my circumstances, then see where I'm at. I've already started doing this a bit (I applied for another volunteer job yesterday, and found out today that I got the job). The next major step would be to learn to drive, as that would allow me to be more active with hobbies in the evenings, which would lead to making friends.

As for how I think I have a problem with drinking: well, I know I do, and it's always good to be honest about these things. My problem is that I can't just have one, simple as that. That doesn't mean that I'm therefore going on benders and blacking out; it means that I'll drink more heavily than I should once I've had the first drink. There was a time in my life a few years ago when I *was* going on benders and bingeing regularly, but I don't do that anymore. That in itself leads me to think that it is not out of my control entirely, if it hasn’t progressed but has technically improved. But I know that thinking can be dangerous.

The bit in bold is really spot on, thank you. I am depressed, not as bad as I have been, not so I can't function, but yes. And I'm depressed about giving it up too, yes. Because I feel that it's just unfair - I have so many more problems than (let's just say) my husband, but he gets to unwind with beer and I don't (and yes I know how petty that sounds). And because if I did drink it would be 4-5 beers, not a weekend blackout or anything but 4-5 beers, I tend to just think '**** it, why not?'

I'm going to scrape the money together to see a dietitian / nutritionist about the food thing, because it's a scary amount of foods to have to give up and I don't want to damage my health. All the evidence points to having to give up these things, but I need to know how to do it safely I guess.

Wise words doggonecarl, thanks. I suppose I feel that drinking *was* a massive problem in my life, but that now it's just a minor problem, it's not as bad as it was, and that therefore never drinking again is an overreaction.

But I think it's clear what I need to do, and that is quit drinking for a set amount of time while I work on my life, state of mind, and health. I have to have surgery in September, and want to be healthy before and after it. I just noticed that it happens to be exactly six months until Christmas Day. If I set myself a six month goal, that will feel like a good and necessary and honest thing to do, whereas if I say I need to quit drinking for good I feel that would be dishonest, because I'm really not convinced that it is true. On Christmas Day I can decide whether to drink or not. I may feel completely different about it all by then.

snowbunting

I actually disagree with this. My husband is a normal drinker who has tried and succeeded in cutting down on a couple of occasions. Normal drinkers can worry about their drinking too.

This is true.

Again, I don't really see it that way. I drink to unwind, my husband drinks to unwind, the difference these days is largely the amount consumed. I will admit that I use it as a coping mechanism more than him, but a large part of me thinks that is simply because I have more to cope with. He and I had this conversation recently about how he would react to being in my position, and he said he wouldn't react well at all. Still not a 'reason' to drink of course, but I do think there are blurred lines.

Good points, thank you. Numbing and forgetting has been a part of why I drink, it isn't so much at the moment but it has been. But then, I have more to numb and forget that most people I know. That's probably irrelevant, but still. I know normal drinkers can go through periods of their lives where they become heavy drinkers and then rein back again. But that's probably irrelevant too.

Yes, the diet thing isn't the end of the world, but it makes everything a hell of a lot harder. I've been vegan for nearly three years and have never had a problem sticking to that at all, but that is because I could rely on wheat and soy products etc. Without that, I don't know how I'll manage. Do you bake? If so, what do you use instead of sugar?

No I do understand about my attitude being common in early recovery, and I admit it probably sounds a lot like I'm in denial. Normal drinkers don't come here and wrestle with these thoughts, but I never said I was a normal drinker. At the moment, I'm a heavy drinker: 4-6 beers (bottles, not pints), 2-3 times a week. I'm just not convinved that that genuinely means I have to quit drinking for good, it seems like a bit of an overreaction tbh. I think I need to change my priorities and focus on getting my life in order. I actually think my drinking will decrease as my life gets more full, but if it doesn't I will 100% re-evaluate.

Thank you for taking the time to post. That goes to everybody

Applekat

Snowbunting - I do understand many of the points/questions you are raising, and had/have them myself. Right now for me, it has to be as simple as - if I have this drink/drinks tonight, how does that make me a better person/wife/mother etc? In what way does the drink better me? With my recent slips I didn't drink some astounding amount. But I didn't feel good about it, I still felt icky, and nothing was made better. And the fact that I was obsessing about it both before and after, and coming on to a recovery site.....well I know I need to just stop. Even if I don't fall close to the stereotype of a drunk. A lot of my issues are mental.

Good luck with everything!

desypete

desypete - many thanks for your suggestions. I hope it's all right if I pass on the AA thing - I'm positive that it's a great group, and full of really good people, but I just don't believe in the higher power stuff and would not feel comfortable with it working the steps for that reason

thats fine i am only to glad you can find help were ever you can, but i hope you had a look down at my signature were it clearly states aa is not about god etc.

most people i try to talk to about going to aa always comes back to me with the same reply ie they dont like the steps or the god thing
i dont like the god thing either but aa is much much more than that

but anyway if i can help you anytime i will and good luck to you my friend : )

snowbunting

Thank you for that Applekat; you do sound very similar to me. 'A lot of my issues are mental' - well, exactly. I think that the real problem is with *me* - my low self-esteem and its correlatives - rather than drink per se. I suspect that if I fix *me*, the drink won't be a problem anymore. I have to stop drinking in order to fix me, but once I'm fixed, I do think the alcohol could re-adjust to being the minor part of my life it was before. And if I'm wrong, I'll know about it.