The anxiety finally won.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
ALphaO
, my darling sister in sobriety xxx
What I love about you , girlfriend is your total honesty , not just to SR but to yourself.
I'm really feeling for you . To get to that point you must have thrown in the towel. But you know as well as I do that you need to put this behind you lovely .
I know you have an issue with the daily meds thing , but what's the alternative . If you can ease your anxiety , you may not be so inclined to just ' do it' .
Wouldn't you rather have that bit of peace every day or second or third day even , if your anxiety is so debilitating .
You are one strong chick and very intelligent I love your posts and I love you .
You have helped me so much , I wish I could sit with you and have a coffee and a hug :-)
Raider , you too hon . I'm thinking of you girls and I'm here if you need me xxx
, my darling sister in sobriety xxxWhat I love about you , girlfriend is your total honesty , not just to SR but to yourself.
I'm really feeling for you . To get to that point you must have thrown in the towel. But you know as well as I do that you need to put this behind you lovely .
I know you have an issue with the daily meds thing , but what's the alternative . If you can ease your anxiety , you may not be so inclined to just ' do it' .
Wouldn't you rather have that bit of peace every day or second or third day even , if your anxiety is so debilitating .
You are one strong chick and very intelligent I love your posts and I love you .
You have helped me so much , I wish I could sit with you and have a coffee and a hug :-)
Raider , you too hon . I'm thinking of you girls and I'm here if you need me xxx
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Thank you Jonerv, and others, for articulating what is clearly escaping my abilities at the present moment.
The last thing I wanted to do was get into a "med" debate. But since it is has been brought forth.. Lez go.
My opposition to meds lies in the fact that my pharmacist sister, overdosed and died as a result of taking meds. She mixed them with alcohol. It was fatal.
However, she struggled with a anxiety for years prior to that.
So meds. For me. Is a NO.
Might they have worked if she didn't mix them ? Perhaps. I dunno. That debate is for Big Pharma, and recovered alcoholics.
Neither of which I can relate to.
So, should I accept that my broken brain (or maybe my overstimulated soul) is unable to accept the constant messages being thrown at it. I have tried. I promise you I have.
I failed.
But.
At what ?
The last thing I wanted to do was get into a "med" debate. But since it is has been brought forth.. Lez go.
My opposition to meds lies in the fact that my pharmacist sister, overdosed and died as a result of taking meds. She mixed them with alcohol. It was fatal.
However, she struggled with a anxiety for years prior to that.
So meds. For me. Is a NO.
Might they have worked if she didn't mix them ? Perhaps. I dunno. That debate is for Big Pharma, and recovered alcoholics.
Neither of which I can relate to.
So, should I accept that my broken brain (or maybe my overstimulated soul) is unable to accept the constant messages being thrown at it. I have tried. I promise you I have.
I failed.
But.
At what ?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by alphaomega 
I failed.
But.
At what ?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Originally Posted by alphaomega
Dee - my explanation regarding my affliction was not in efficacy to your experience of anxiety.
It was to clarify it to those that don't get it or understand it.
Really. That's all.
And, for the record, I'm not a superhero.
They are fictional for a good god damned reason.
It was to clarify it to those that don't get it or understand it.
Really. That's all.
And, for the record, I'm not a superhero.
They are fictional for a good god damned reason.
Ok, I guess I struck out today.
Can't blame a bloke for tryin'
You're in my thoughts, AO
D
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
If you want to quit drinking, you have to do a lot of stuff you don't want to do. I went on meds. I didn't want to and I'm not proud of it, but I'm the sole support of my family and I was breaking down. I was going to either drink myself into rehab or land myself in a psych ward -- or get on meds. I didn't want to keep drinking. I didn't have the luxury to explore my problems with alcohol or anything else anymore. I needed to get better.
So maybe you just don't want to quit drinking?
As I posted before, if your drinking takes you as far down as mine took me, you'll want to quit again soon. If it doesn't, dig away!
So maybe you just don't want to quit drinking?
As I posted before, if your drinking takes you as far down as mine took me, you'll want to quit again soon. If it doesn't, dig away!
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Oh goodness No !!!
I want to quit drinking. I want it more than I want almost anything.
Except feeling like I'm going to die.
Then. Not so much.
Then, without warning. Everything, every single moment that I had fought for. Over the weeks. Month. I, imagine years.
Wins.
I want to quit drinking. I want it more than I want almost anything.
Except feeling like I'm going to die.
Then. Not so much.
Then, without warning. Everything, every single moment that I had fought for. Over the weeks. Month. I, imagine years.
Wins.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,129
I love you, mama.
And you're not alone.
Wherever this crazy spiral you are trusting to take you into a good, warm and numbing place is a lie.
It's a frikkin lie.
And you know this and you hate it already and it's making you itch like a crazy person.
Itch and scratch away. I'll love you so much nonetheless. And I continue to admire and appreciate you.
Take your time, you got twisted. Twist away.
Just don't forget how much we love you, AO.
And you're not alone.
Wherever this crazy spiral you are trusting to take you into a good, warm and numbing place is a lie.
It's a frikkin lie.
And you know this and you hate it already and it's making you itch like a crazy person.
Itch and scratch away. I'll love you so much nonetheless. And I continue to admire and appreciate you.
Take your time, you got twisted. Twist away.
Just don't forget how much we love you, AO.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by alphaomega
I had a glass of wine at dinner, and for reasons I am not even remotely proud of, suddenly, I felt it all lift.
I can't help thinking that you're keyed up in the romance of it all again....
I remember a post long ago...in my last sobriety where you detailed dinner out with your man...the wine..the dancing and oh how heavenly it all was.
This post reminds me of that one...
You're a brilliant chick. You can baffle alot of folks with that slick wit..friends, loved ones, health professionals....even yourself.
You can talk circles round probably 80% of the population...
I get it...believe me I do.
Good thing you and I never drank together my friend. I think there would be hair pulling.
Alpha..it was a relapse.
Just come back home.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
AO, one key factor in dealing with the troubles in our minds (addiction, anxiety, many others) is consistency of action. We often do the hard work for a while, than fall into a false belief that it's completed, now we can focus on other things and forget there was a problem there.
I think it would help you at least somewhat if you developed a consistent, long-term routine of healthy coping methods. Not just for a few days, weeks, or months. Make them part of your life permanently. For example, if you found SR helpful in the past in dealing with your addiction, don't quit using it. It does not need to be compulsive or overwhelming, just come here on a daily basis or so, read a few posts, write a couple responses, maybe set it to be the same part of your day in your routine if that helps. Don't quit for weeks.
Same with managing anxiety. Meditation can be powerful help, but you may know it only really helps if we keep doing it consistently. I am guilty of this myself: have been into meditation for a long time (>10 years) but I have tended to do it in bursts rather than evenly and as a part of a daily routine. I'm trying to do this better now.
And if meditation is not enough for you to manage your anxiety, you just got to do more. There is no other way, unfortunately. I'm not talking about meds, but other methods that are available. Anxiety management is a bit like addiction recovery: there are many different tools available, we need to experiment and find the ones that are most helpful to us. And what I suggested earlier: if you struggle doing this on your own, seek help. Anxiety is one of the most common psych problems and consequently, there are many professionals equipped to help in a great variety of ways (again, I'm talking drug-free) - but we have to reach out!
Perhaps your recent surgery experience also contributed to the development of your current state at least on an unconscious level. That would not be surprising. Again, if that is true, you would need to address it somehow.
You know just as well as any of us here that booze will only take you back to darkness, and probably one that's darker than ever if you stick with it.
Again, DO something about all this and do it everyday. We just can't get away working on our recovery and improving our life sporadically.
We just can't, period.
I think it would help you at least somewhat if you developed a consistent, long-term routine of healthy coping methods. Not just for a few days, weeks, or months. Make them part of your life permanently. For example, if you found SR helpful in the past in dealing with your addiction, don't quit using it. It does not need to be compulsive or overwhelming, just come here on a daily basis or so, read a few posts, write a couple responses, maybe set it to be the same part of your day in your routine if that helps. Don't quit for weeks.
Same with managing anxiety. Meditation can be powerful help, but you may know it only really helps if we keep doing it consistently. I am guilty of this myself: have been into meditation for a long time (>10 years) but I have tended to do it in bursts rather than evenly and as a part of a daily routine. I'm trying to do this better now.
And if meditation is not enough for you to manage your anxiety, you just got to do more. There is no other way, unfortunately. I'm not talking about meds, but other methods that are available. Anxiety management is a bit like addiction recovery: there are many different tools available, we need to experiment and find the ones that are most helpful to us. And what I suggested earlier: if you struggle doing this on your own, seek help. Anxiety is one of the most common psych problems and consequently, there are many professionals equipped to help in a great variety of ways (again, I'm talking drug-free) - but we have to reach out!
Perhaps your recent surgery experience also contributed to the development of your current state at least on an unconscious level. That would not be surprising. Again, if that is true, you would need to address it somehow.
You know just as well as any of us here that booze will only take you back to darkness, and probably one that's darker than ever if you stick with it.
Again, DO something about all this and do it everyday. We just can't get away working on our recovery and improving our life sporadically.
We just can't, period.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,697
I don't think you failed. I suffer from anxiety also and know how tough it is. Really just need to ride it out. It does go away but the time in between is excruciating. It's not like you went out and had 2 boxes of wine. . A glass or two was not your goal but you didn't cave further. Just a learning situation for the future. If you make yourself feel extremely guilty it may make you feel the need to givein all ttogether. Be proud your doing well you slipped but didn't fall down. Plus NYC is the most obnoxious, noisy and stressful places. I got anxiety just from you mentioning it .
. A glass or two was not your goal but you didn't cave further. Just a learning situation for the future. If you make yourself feel extremely guilty it may make you feel the need to givein all ttogether. Be proud your doing well you slipped but didn't fall down. Plus NYC is the most obnoxious, noisy and stressful places. I got anxiety just from you mentioning it .
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
So you talked yourself into drinking in NYC with the excuse of self-medication for anxiety, then left NYC for Cape Cod, where your anxiety lifted, but you were drinking there, too, and now you're at home? And still drinking, then? Or have you stopped?
Whatever irrational prejudices you may have against prescription medication aside, alcohol is not a "good" alternative for medicating anxiety (do you see doctors prescribing Jack Daniels?) -- and that especially goes for someone who has a history of problems with alcohol. If you have an anxiety condition that requires medication, booze is emphatically not a reasonable choice. Do you agree?
I don't know what this thread is supposed to be about. I know it's about you picking up, but after that, I'm not sure; are you trying to convince us (or yourself?) that it was justified because you were self-medicating your anxiety away?
There aren't any good reasons to pick up. If you let yourself make one "good" reason to drink, you'll find more, and pretty soon you're back neck-deep in the @#$!. There are thousands of reasons out there if you look, and they're all crap, and I don't see how yours is any different from any other in this regard.
Whatever irrational prejudices you may have against prescription medication aside, alcohol is not a "good" alternative for medicating anxiety (do you see doctors prescribing Jack Daniels?) -- and that especially goes for someone who has a history of problems with alcohol. If you have an anxiety condition that requires medication, booze is emphatically not a reasonable choice. Do you agree?
I don't know what this thread is supposed to be about. I know it's about you picking up, but after that, I'm not sure; are you trying to convince us (or yourself?) that it was justified because you were self-medicating your anxiety away?
There aren't any good reasons to pick up. If you let yourself make one "good" reason to drink, you'll find more, and pretty soon you're back neck-deep in the @#$!. There are thousands of reasons out there if you look, and they're all crap, and I don't see how yours is any different from any other in this regard.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
So much great info here. Thank you guys.
I have a lot to think about and masticate over.
And I'm grateful and appreciate every single one of you for taking time out of your lives to help an old broad.
Thank you from the bottom of my very messed up heart.
XO AO
I have a lot to think about and masticate over.
And I'm grateful and appreciate every single one of you for taking time out of your lives to help an old broad.
Thank you from the bottom of my very messed up heart.
XO AO
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
your heart ain't messed up AO.
maybe your head is a little.... but that can be said of all of us.
glad to see you pop back up on this thread.
Speaking of 'masticate'; I just bought a top of the line masticating juicer. Juicing has been incredible.... gives me something super healthy to drink and replenishes / nourishes / combats the years of damage.
Veggies, fruits, a never-ending universe of healthy possibilities.
And while it was expensive - it's basically a couple weeks worth of booze-spend in my former boozin' life.
So yeah... maybe you oughta go get yourself a juicer and let IT do your masticating for you so you can focus on bein' sober.
maybe your head is a little.... but that can be said of all of us.
glad to see you pop back up on this thread.
Speaking of 'masticate'; I just bought a top of the line masticating juicer. Juicing has been incredible.... gives me something super healthy to drink and replenishes / nourishes / combats the years of damage.
Veggies, fruits, a never-ending universe of healthy possibilities.
And while it was expensive - it's basically a couple weeks worth of booze-spend in my former boozin' life.
So yeah... maybe you oughta go get yourself a juicer and let IT do your masticating for you so you can focus on bein' sober.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by SoberCAH
I have no excuse which warrants my drinking or taking a Xanax.
Amazing why you would even need to be here then ?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by alphaomega
Wow ! Good for you ! You must be so exceptionally strong.
Amazing why you would even need to be here then ?
Amazing why you would even need to be here then ?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by alphaomega
Wow ! Good for you ! You must be so exceptionally strong.
Amazing why you would even need to be here then ?
Amazing why you would even need to be here then ?
You are loved here. You are accepted here. You are admired her and you are needed here.
It really feels like you are fighting for acceptance of your "excuse" to pick up. No one is negating your struggle with anxiety...no one.
But people are not going to jump on the bandwagon of acceptance for drinking under any circumstance. Will they empathize? Hell..yeah. Of course!!!
But what are you looking for here my friend? Acceptance of your rationale behind drinking wine?
You ain't going to get it.
No one is going to say "yes, you have anxiety and you seem to think it's the elixir ..so ya...go for it".
I think we all understand becoming completely overwhelmed by our own crazy self...getting so battle weary that we let the beast back in...but
GEEZ Louise....no one here is going to accept you drinking...no one is going to JUSTIFY the use of alcohol for ANY REASON.
That's not what this place is about.
No one is judging you hun...we are just battling your AV...
which has apparently not yet left the building!
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Not sure how that reads as sarcastic. If it does, wasn't my intention.
Not looking for the green light to continue drinking either. Don't think I have come off that way at all.
I realize that I came here for understanding and an ass kicking. Why else would I have bothered to subject myself to the potential of the negative that would ensue when I come clean ?
I take the good with the bad. There's more positivity here than anything else.
I get it. Some here are rock solid in their sobriety. Good for them. Admirable beyond words.
That ain't us Nuu.
Now don't make me pull your hair. Because I will lose.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Not looking for the green light to continue drinking either. Don't think I have come off that way at all.
I realize that I came here for understanding and an ass kicking. Why else would I have bothered to subject myself to the potential of the negative that would ensue when I come clean ?
I take the good with the bad. There's more positivity here than anything else.
I get it. Some here are rock solid in their sobriety. Good for them. Admirable beyond words.
That ain't us Nuu.
Now don't make me pull your hair. Because I will lose.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by alphaomega
Not sure how that reads as sarcastic. If it does, wasn't my intention.
Not looking for the green light to continue drinking either. Don't think I have come off that way at all.
I realize that I came here for understanding and an ass kicking. Why else would I have bothered to subject myself to the potential of the negative that would ensue when I come clean ?
I take the good with the bad. There's more positivity here than anything else.
I get it. Some here are rock solid in their sobriety. Good for them. Admirable beyond words.
That ain't us Nuu.
Now don't make me pull your hair. Because I will lose.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Not looking for the green light to continue drinking either. Don't think I have come off that way at all.
I realize that I came here for understanding and an ass kicking. Why else would I have bothered to subject myself to the potential of the negative that would ensue when I come clean ?
I take the good with the bad. There's more positivity here than anything else.
I get it. Some here are rock solid in their sobriety. Good for them. Admirable beyond words.
That ain't us Nuu.
Now don't make me pull your hair. Because I will lose.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
We just all care for you AO. You showed so much progress and really got into the real AO. It was nice to enjoy that for a while and we all just want to help you get that back.
This is probably a blessing though. Clearly your program had some holes in it. So you had a slip or a couple, whatev, its what you do about it now that matters.
BTW - your not alone, looks like from many of the posts it has been relapse season around here. If it were me I would choose a pretty cool sobriety date...I mean June 20th sounds pretty rockstar. If it takes longer, choose the 27th I am partial to everything 27th.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by alphaomega
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
You stand up and let your freak flag fly. You allow us to poke holes in that BS balloon. I LOVE that.
We all learn from that. You rock...you have no idea what you teach people here simply by being you and saying everything on your mind...so well, so articulately...
You are such a fine writer.
Love you.
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