Trouble with Acceptance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 267
Trouble with Acceptance
I stopped drinking January 1 of this year. In May I had a big relapse, joined SR, and with the help of so many here have been sober since. So the overall picture of this year is approaching 6 months of (cumulative) sobriety with a big two-week snake pit in the middle.
I know my personality, think I know my strengths, have a pretty good idea of my biggest weaknesses, and I certainly know my own track record with alcohol. Yet I still find myself returning to that stubborn place, refusing to believe with 100% commitment that moderation is impossible (in spite of my many past failures and the many stories shared here).
I know how low the odds are for a person who drank like I did to return to moderation. I know the old definition of "insanity" is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result.
At the same time, some of the GOOD things I've accomplished in my life seem to have required the same "insane" approach. Very low odds in favor of succeeding, extremely high against, odds that that only a high dose of self-delusion could ignore. Followed by the repetition of behavior, over many years, with the expectation of a different result. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again
The experience of breaking through a few walls in other areas of life makes it difficult to accept defeat in THIS area (despite how often and thoroughly I've been humbled by alcohol. . .and despite knowing it's this same stubbornness that led me to misery in the first place. Repeatedly).
The truth is I LIKE being sober. Most days the thought of trying to moderate sounds exhausting and not worth the effort. Most days I remember that when it comes to booze, moderation isn't really what I want anyway. My life in general is better without drinking.
But I also get tired. And sometimes it seems like alcohol takes up more space in my sober life than it did when I was drinking (even though I know that's really not true).
To sum up I guess I'm a little tired today Thanks for letting me ramble.
I know my personality, think I know my strengths, have a pretty good idea of my biggest weaknesses, and I certainly know my own track record with alcohol. Yet I still find myself returning to that stubborn place, refusing to believe with 100% commitment that moderation is impossible (in spite of my many past failures and the many stories shared here).
I know how low the odds are for a person who drank like I did to return to moderation. I know the old definition of "insanity" is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result.
At the same time, some of the GOOD things I've accomplished in my life seem to have required the same "insane" approach. Very low odds in favor of succeeding, extremely high against, odds that that only a high dose of self-delusion could ignore. Followed by the repetition of behavior, over many years, with the expectation of a different result. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again
The experience of breaking through a few walls in other areas of life makes it difficult to accept defeat in THIS area (despite how often and thoroughly I've been humbled by alcohol. . .and despite knowing it's this same stubbornness that led me to misery in the first place. Repeatedly).
The truth is I LIKE being sober. Most days the thought of trying to moderate sounds exhausting and not worth the effort. Most days I remember that when it comes to booze, moderation isn't really what I want anyway. My life in general is better without drinking.
But I also get tired. And sometimes it seems like alcohol takes up more space in my sober life than it did when I was drinking (even though I know that's really not true).
To sum up I guess I'm a little tired today
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
It took me a long time to accept.
I'd been so successful with other things in my life, sometimes against great odds.
But the other things I struggled so hard for were good things.
I had to ask myself why I was so insistent on keeping drinking in my life - when I controlled my intake it was torture, when I didn't, opr couldn't it was self destructive madness....
Did I really need this liquid?
I decided I didn't
Imagine what you can achieve sober
D
I'd been so successful with other things in my life, sometimes against great odds.
But the other things I struggled so hard for were good things.
I had to ask myself why I was so insistent on keeping drinking in my life - when I controlled my intake it was torture, when I didn't, opr couldn't it was self destructive madness....
Did I really need this liquid?
I decided I didn't
At the same time, some of the GOOD things I've accomplished in my life seem to have required the same "insane" approach. Very low odds in favor of succeeding, extremely high against, odds that that only a high dose of self-delusion could ignore. Followed by the repetition of behavior, over many years, with the expectation of a different result. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
What I find interesting is that people who do not need to, don't obsess over moderation. It isn't in their vocabulary. On the other hand, those of us who cannot or should not attempt it - after much presented evidence against it - continue to debate it with themselves.
That voice inside us that tells us we can do it, we can, we can...
NO, really, we can't. No more debating. Accept it and move forward.
That voice inside us that tells us we can do it, we can, we can...
NO, really, we can't. No more debating. Accept it and move forward.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Moderation was hard work when I got it right and I was never that good at it over the longer haul- which weren't that long (usually ended by a F&*k it !! moment).
Over time the torment and struggle built up- staying on pace with life got harder and harder.
In the end I was thankful for the relief when I finally broke free.
I was still having physical urges to triggers till about six months. In time everything settles down- in a way it's took me to the end of two years such that life seems normal without alcohol- I can be in pubs and parties and be OK- I don't really notice alcohol much- initially I could tell you what everyone drank, who was a bit tipsy etc now I just talk to people and feel comfortable with myself
Over time the torment and struggle built up- staying on pace with life got harder and harder.
In the end I was thankful for the relief when I finally broke free.
I was still having physical urges to triggers till about six months. In time everything settles down- in a way it's took me to the end of two years such that life seems normal without alcohol- I can be in pubs and parties and be OK- I don't really notice alcohol much- initially I could tell you what everyone drank, who was a bit tipsy etc now I just talk to people and feel comfortable with myself
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Originally Posted by pupkin 
At the same time, some of the GOOD things I've accomplished in my life seem to have required the same "insane" approach. Very low odds in favor of succeeding, extremely high against, odds that that only a high dose of self-delusion could ignore. Followed by the repetition of behavior, over many years, with the expectation of a different result. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again
The experience of breaking through a few walls in other areas of life makes it difficult to accept defeat in THIS area (despite how often and thoroughly I've been humbled by alcohol. . .and despite knowing it's this same stubbornness that led me to misery in the first place.
The experience of breaking through a few walls in other areas of life makes it difficult to accept defeat in THIS area (despite how often and thoroughly I've been humbled by alcohol. . .and despite knowing it's this same stubbornness that led me to misery in the first place.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I hear you on what you're saying about how alcohol abstinence can become more consuming than drinking...but I think it just feels that way cuz we're actually present 24/7. For me, I think I gave up a 4 month sobriety last year because I was feeling "recovery burnout". I know I will have to watch for this go round. I don't feel like I lost that 4 months anymore than I feel like I lost the 3 weeks before I slipped yesterday. Yesterday only confirmed how much I want better in my life.
I need to solve problems in my life not run from them...
But ya know I have been mulling over a puzzling thought this last while. I don't think I ever really registered "getting drunk" as a problem. I'm serious. I just didn't like the ridiculous fool I became when I did so. I wanted to drink but I didn't want to be a wretched foolish arse I didn't like much...not sure anyone else did either.
The thing is. The relapse I am coming back from...I believe was the first time I really did try to moderate. I think I have been far more black and white with my drinking previously. And in the beginning I was able to moderate a bit...for maybe a month or two...and then it was over...moderation that is. And I was back to being an idiot....
I don't like me drinking...I am not cool or sophisticated like I play it out in my head. I'm just a drunken middle aged old broad...ugh.
And for me, yes there are occasions when I could have one or two..but it was like playing russian roulette..never knew when I was going to blow it out the wall...
And even the one or two..if I had at the end of the day...kept me from being present as I was obsessing and anticipating getting home to that drink. No matter what the quantity.
The idea of a sober life doesn't feel so scary anymore. I know that last sobriety..of last year..I couldn't deal with thinking it was for life. The notion scared me so I didn't think about it.
I don't think it scares me anymore.
I need to solve problems in my life not run from them...
But ya know I have been mulling over a puzzling thought this last while. I don't think I ever really registered "getting drunk" as a problem. I'm serious. I just didn't like the ridiculous fool I became when I did so. I wanted to drink but I didn't want to be a wretched foolish arse I didn't like much...not sure anyone else did either.
The thing is. The relapse I am coming back from...I believe was the first time I really did try to moderate. I think I have been far more black and white with my drinking previously. And in the beginning I was able to moderate a bit...for maybe a month or two...and then it was over...moderation that is. And I was back to being an idiot....
I don't like me drinking...I am not cool or sophisticated like I play it out in my head. I'm just a drunken middle aged old broad...ugh.
And for me, yes there are occasions when I could have one or two..but it was like playing russian roulette..never knew when I was going to blow it out the wall...
And even the one or two..if I had at the end of the day...kept me from being present as I was obsessing and anticipating getting home to that drink. No matter what the quantity.
The idea of a sober life doesn't feel so scary anymore. I know that last sobriety..of last year..I couldn't deal with thinking it was for life. The notion scared me so I didn't think about it.
I don't think it scares me anymore.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
When I was drinking, I would drink heavily . Very Heavily. After the 588 nights in a row and a hospital visit for withdrawals. I spent 8 months trying to moderate. It wasn't fun. I like to be DRUNK. I like to be so Drunk that I'm almost about to throw up. I like to be so drunk that I can barely move and surely will fall if I stand. I just put on music and drift away. I wasn't always this way, the longer I drank the more drunk I liked to be, because my body allowed me to get more drunk without puking my brains out. I never really enjoyed moderation. Like having a glass of wine with dinner? Pfft I'll take 3 bottles and drink them on an empty stomach...wait until I get drunk munchies and then eat my dinner cold. To me, moderation isn't fun.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: California
Posts: 130
I truly do not believe in moderation, one becomes two, two become three and suddenly the bottle is empty.... It only took me 3 weeks to be back as a complete alcoholism. I been sober for close two 32 days, and I will never touch another drop of alcohol ever again. I am not meant to be a social drinker, always an alcoholic, but a sober alcoholic.
Get some help and stop drinking now before your liver gives out.......pls
Get some help and stop drinking now before your liver gives out.......pls
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 306
My experience has been that by the time I was trying to "moderate" my drinking, it was already too late! People who have a healthy relationship with alcohol moderate without even thinking about it. It took me YEARS to understand this.
It doesn't help when everyone in your life (who understand that you have a problem) will tell you you should "cut back" or "just have one or two."
It was like quicksand for me, the more I tried to moderate, the worse my problem became. I just had to accept that moderation was never going to work for me and I could either keep drinking or quit drinking.
It doesn't help when everyone in your life (who understand that you have a problem) will tell you you should "cut back" or "just have one or two."
It was like quicksand for me, the more I tried to moderate, the worse my problem became. I just had to accept that moderation was never going to work for me and I could either keep drinking or quit drinking.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Originally Posted by pupkin
Most days the thought of trying to moderate sounds exhausting and not worth the effort. Most days I remember that when it comes to booze, moderation isn't really what I want anyway. My life in general is better without drinking.
Great job on your sobriety, BTW!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 340
Originally Posted by Serper2014
When I was drinking, I would drink heavily . Very Heavily. After the 588 nights in a row and a hospital visit for withdrawals. I spent 8 months trying to moderate. It wasn't fun. I like to be DRUNK. I like to be so Drunk that I'm almost about to throw up. I like to be so drunk that I can barely move and surely will fall if I stand. I just put on music and drift away. I wasn't always this way, the longer I drank the more drunk I liked to be, because my body allowed me to get more drunk without puking my brains out. I never really enjoyed moderation. Like having a glass of wine with dinner? Pfft I'll take 3 bottles and drink them on an empty stomach...wait until I get drunk munchies and then eat my dinner cold. To me, moderation isn't fun.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Pupkin, I know what you are feeling. I have been sober for almost nine months now and there is still a part of me that says, "Well, if I go back to drinking . . . . " Logically, I look at how stupid this all is because I quit other things that were bad for me, that I loved (Diet Cokes, red meat, toxic friendships) with relative ease and no looking back, so doesn't this prove how addicted to alcohol I am that I am nine months sober and still need to talk about it and work on it and visit SR daily just to stay off of it??? Ugh.
I think what I hate about alcoholism is that you obsess about it when you are drinking and you obsess about it when you are not drinking. I like to think that all of my recovery knowledge would kick in if I were ever to relapse, but watching the alcoholics in my life, I see their denial almost like an alien that has taken over their brains and their bodies. So scary!!!
I think what I hate about alcoholism is that you obsess about it when you are drinking and you obsess about it when you are not drinking. I like to think that all of my recovery knowledge would kick in if I were ever to relapse, but watching the alcoholics in my life, I see their denial almost like an alien that has taken over their brains and their bodies. So scary!!!
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