JimJim

Blink and you will miss me amongst the undergrowth.
I find company with the dying plants that have failed to make it out of the shade.

Only the weight of a sprinkle of rain,
sends my rubbery spine into a bend towards the ground.

Look at all those sproutlings, they are so green and fresh of the fruits of life and all things promising.

What a horrid and sad sight it is to see them soaked up by the dominate shade, never to reach the summer sun. Their fate was sealed.

Do I dare send another sprout towards the warm and all that the clear blue sky promises? Knowing that it will wither and wilt before it gets there?

What a sick punishment, staring at the sky from the shade.
Looking from here, all day long whilst all the while your limbs decay into a slithery pulp

look at the might of those trees in the sunshine.
I wouldn’t swap the strength of those trunks for steel.

They are ignorant to the shade though,
They look at my rotting crown and assume that I have never blossomed.

Are they so ignorant that they do not know that the shadows of the sun are unforgiving when they cast?

I know what it’s like to smell the sweetness of my own blossom, though

I know I could build a trunk that would a blunt a saw though.
It would be all the more prosperous for wilting in the shade for so long too.

But my bastard roots , I look to them and they seek all things that would destroy me.
they wish to dig deep into the dark soil. They just dig dig dig.

JimJim

As suggested by friends in a previous post, I'm just to keep posting although not doing too well. Yeh I wouldn't be posting if all damn day long I didn't wanna be sober. Here is the produce of my thoughts whilst eatiing lunch and unwantingly getting ********* on wine.

JimJim

I went for a walk in the park a couple of days ago. I think it's got me all nature like. Just expressing myself differently rather than a moan of misery. It's a change. that's what I want for myself right?

cl9000

Talk to me in the chat room?

Everything will pass, you'll be fine I think.

Theo77

I really, really love this line (I enjoyed the whole poem but this particular line resonated).

I have my own tentative addition. I haven't written poetry since I was a college burnout but here goes;

Here's the place I've come to fear
And blue-lipped words of sense unclear
Warn me not to stay the night
And watch the people huddled tight
In swirling swarms of blood and rust
A metronone
To f*cking dust

Anyway, I definitely relate to the sense of momentary clarity writing brings.

360shoes

I'm happy you found a way to express yourself Jim. Keep writing. Maybe you can continue with that beautiful writing while giving it a go with not drinking? I think I could very much relate to what you write during all the phases we go through trying to turn our lives around.

We aren't that much different really. Drinking caused us all a lot of pain. But you certainly have a beautiful and unique way of expressing it. I hope I can read more as you move through your journey of leaving it behind you.

Saskia

JimJim,

It's difficult to say it better than Shoes did. My thoughts are with you and I'm sending you whatever strength I have. The road we're on, working to stay sober, is not an easy one and for many it can take quite a few tries -- that's the addiction. I'm doing the 24-hour sign up every day now after having had too many slips to count. I either add things or try something different and when I've slipped I've come back here within 24 hours, usually less. We will make it through this. I have faith in you. I hope you keep on writing - you have a gift for it.

tootsl1

Jimjim, I'm another Marcher you helped encourage towards sobriety. I wish I had the words to help you the same way love.

Jeni26

You've a real talent for writing Jim.

It's a beautiful day in England today. How about going out for a walk this evening? Go to somewhere really beautiful like the park and soak up that nature. Don't drink tonight...time to do something different.

JimJim

Thanks Jen, your kind posts have never gone unnoticed by me, by the way. Always cherished.

Yeh , Looking out the window now, it's beautiful. that's where the frustration comes from, I guess. I can see the possibility but can't grasp it for my own self destruction through addiction.

Jeni26

Seeing it is a good start. I couldn't see it for a long time. I honestly didn't know there was another way to live...and when I began to see how others were living, I just thought it would be impossible for me to get what they had.

Wrong.

Rather than looking out that window Jim, throw it open. Let the warm breeze through. You can hear and smell the outside then...go look outside.

There's a whole world out there my friend. It's waiting for you. I know you can do it. The only voice telling you differently is your addiction...and we all know that lies

EndGameNYC

Hi J.J.

I don't mean to be harsh or critical, and I do appreciate your singular way of expressing your internal life during your struggles. What I'm seeing in your OP and in your OP from your previous thread is that you're in a very difficult place, one in which you're romanticizing the dread and despair of active alcoholism. You are a victim of your affliction, and even the forces of nature conspire against you, to keep you in the shadows and away from the sun's lignt. Despite your desire to lift yourself up and out of the mire, you're "unwantingly getting ********* on wine." Your "fate is sealed."

You make several other references that suggest a desperate fatalism, wrapped lovingly in the lexicon of a scorned lover who cannot or will not let go of his beloved, despite -- or perhaps because of -- the increasing pain and suffering that accrues from romancing the stone. Your comments in this regard are essentially love letters, and your continued drinking holds you hostage in a dark but somehow comforting place.

I'm not questioning or criticizing your process. Each of us, at times, becomes so enamored of our process that we're unable to see the forest for the trees. Or, to borrow from your analogy, to step out into the sunshine. My only effort here is to support you and help you to see that sobriety is not the forbidden zone, and though you'll ultimately need to cut ties with your deadly, indifferent lover, doing so will only make you and your heart stronger in the long run.

Your lover has already cast her vote and made clear that her only intention is to destroy you. You might ask yourself what's in it for you to continue to actively court her, a process that only depletes you while giving her all the power.

Leshar

Wonderful post, EndGame, thank you.

JimJim

Could have fooled me? There's several replies I could have posted to this, each from a different perspective.

You're basically analogising my relationship with alcohol as a love affair, as if I had a choice to be in it and it's pleasantly romantic?. I assume you are an alkie too? If so I find it quite remarkable that you would perceive an addict's relationship with drugs as just that.

In what way did you mean to help me? What was useful in you comment in regards to my addiction? I missed it, sorry. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm defending my post if I wish to express something about my addiction.

Incredible lack of compassion actually. I don't want you to wipe my ass and cover me in silk sheets, but I would expect a fellow addict to know what it's like for a fellow addict when they are at their worst.

Aellyce

Hello again, Jim - now here on this thread Can you take a few deep breaths...? Maybe take a break and continue reading later?

I feel a need to respond to your above posts because it hits me in a specific way: I actually experienced a very real, flesh and blood version of that "analogy" and in my case I think there was an eerie similarity between my alcoholism and obsession with a (literal) love affair. Both intimately linked in real time. Deep. Years. I wrote about these things quite a few times on SR because it is in context quite often. Last time just this morning here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4656402

I understand your feelings, still remember those vividly as my recovery is pretty new. But I actually think it is true...that we just can't see many things before we get to a certain phase in the process, especially with consciousness altered by alcohol. I've always liked to think about myself as someone with high above average awareness and self-awareness... but the truth is, it can be very seriously skewed by substance abuse and looking at things curled up in that dark desolate place. Like I am sure many people on SR, I was a lot like you sitting deep in that dark cocoon, desperately desiring being out of my prison but not being able to follow up with the necessary steps. I felt at home in the "dark side of the universe" simply because after a while that was the only thing I really knew. Everything else faded or got blurred.

It can be extremely uncomfortable to first get out to the light even a little, and stay there... It's like suddenly everything hits us after a long period of sensory deprivation, everything seems alien... we find ourselves falling back into some of the old unhealthy patterns even if not drinking... but this is exactly why we need the recovery strategies, to build new familiarity with the world. See, for me this all is still very fresh - for people with longer term sobriety it may appear a bit more distant, but believe me, we all remember how it was and wish to help you.

Do watch the movie I recommended to you on the other thread - I think it would fit your current mindset - it's obsessive, intense, expressive, and everything pulls together in it in the end into a quite transcendental message that is basically the same message all of us in recovery try to convey on SR. Painful but beautiful and peaceful in the end.

I think most likely you feel upset because some comments hit you on an unconscious level that you do not want to see / face yet.

IWillWin

JimJim - you are worth it. Keep trying and don't give up.

You will win...as long as you want to. And I know that you do.

Dee74

I've removed some posts under rule 4.
I've used the love affair analogy myself a time or two Jim.

Love affairs are not always romantic.

love affairs can turn bad, become toxic and be unhealthy.
A lot of people stay in bad relationships because the are scared of being single.

A lot of people stay in outright abusive relationships through fear too.

My life was awful, my soul decayed, my body sick - but I was terrified to make a change.

D

Marcher13

Hi Jim, great to see you posting! Thanks for sharing your OP, I especially love the belief and robustness of these lines

because they are absolutely true.

Jeni26

Jim...today is a new day. It's supposed to be another beautiful one.

How are you doing today? X

JimJim

I really want to reply and discuss with you EndGameNYC. The frustration is insidious, I am so numbed down.

I feel like a fighting cockerel that has been anesthetised before it imminent plight.

You ever heard that grim story where people are being operated on and the anesthetic hasn't quite worked?

They lie there in a comatose state while thier insides are being cut. They can feel the pain, but they can't reply and do nothing about it.

I'm not in a position to be rational right now. I just wanted to express something through some words.