beach20

Oh my goodness. There was a guy in a meeting today that described something and he said Boinky Boinky! And we got it and we laughed.

So, Boinky Boinky on this one. Thanks SoberWolf.

TopEndChick

Still good stuff soberwolf! I'm getting a lot out of it, and I bet others are too.

I discontinued work with my sponsor recently. He had only been sponsoring me for a couple of weeks, and I quickly came to see there were many problems with our sponsor/sponsee relationship, for me anyway.

I thought he was the bees knees at first; as I got to know him I recognised some inappropriate behaviour on his part, which made me feel very uncomfortable.

- Comment on physical features when I was doing well - a bit creepy
- If I didn't or couldn't respond immediately to something he said, he would stare intensely at me without saying anything. I also found that creepy

Maybe just in my own head? But also

- Big pot smoker and would offer me joints
- Gave me poor advice relating to medical issues, against my own better judgement. I went through a traumatic medical event as a result
- Broke confidentiality regarding said medical event to friend, which resulted in entire social group knowing what happened. I got a text message from someone I was actively avoiding asking if I was ok

The thing is, I don't believe he is a bad guy. He has 14 years sober and came into it with the best intentions, I'm sure. He talked me right into it.

Quite a different situation to the one described in the original post, but I thought worth sharing. My first experience with a sponsor, and a very negative one. I am not involved with AA at the moment.

Friend Of Bill

well the big book does tell us don't waste time working with someone who doesn't want to work with us but on page 103 it talks about intolerance and stupidity for intolerant people what other people think of you is none of your business do you want to stay alive find someone who has something you want peace happiness... A sponsor has one responsibility to take another alcoholic through the 12 steps of the book Alcoholics Anonymous that's all in hopes that you will do likewise with others... The craziness about the fellowship today is that you hear people say 90 meetings 90 days call me everyday don't make any decisions in one year run when you hear that if you are convinced you an alcoholic in life is unmanageable you are ready to do the work it's suggested page 103 that's such the concept of intolerance is stupidity it is suggested to read and if you're prepared to go with a through with the 12 steps of the program recovery then your sponsor can guide you make sure the person you ask has taken the steps and is properly armed with the facts about himself support group is good if you need to b**** whine moan and complain sponsor is not supposed to be a bank I'm nurse a relationship or marriage counselor simply a member of AA who has gone through with the steps and is willing to take another person through the steps.... do you want to know a secret the word sponsee doesn't even exist in any written dictionary in the old days you came in you work the six tenants of the Oxford group and tomorrow you were helping others they called the new prospects rummies pigeons new prospect nonetheless if you're done and want to do the work there's no time like the present they tell us do it immediately less we pay a price for a spree good luck and if no one wants to help you contact me welcome

Berrybean

Did she say that you were full of self-pity and attention-seeking as part of the breaking up? Or did she say it as part of doing 1:1 work with you around separate situations. Once I'd done my Step 4 and Step 5, all those problems (that previously I couldn't figure out why they KEEP happening to me - life is SO unfair, etc. etc., ) I realised all had something in common. And that was MY part in things. And MY character defects. It was a bit of a WOW moment. But I am a creature of habit / old dog, new tricks etc. so sometimes I still don't realise when my character defects are leading me by the nose. And THAT is when my sponsor laughs and points out which of my darling defects has reared it pretty ugly head and then I can figure out what I need to do to make things right.

I'm getting better at spotting those defects in action now, and can meditate on the problem for myself more and more. But I still hope that my sponsor will point it out to ME if I don't notice it.

The other women are a separate issue. If you have been going to meetings and saying you still want to drink, maybe they do think that you're not ready. There are lots of old threads on here about 'rock bottoms' that could be helpful. The 12-steps and AA can only work if you really want to get sober. If you don't then it won't work - so that's probably what they meant about going and drinking some more. At the end of the day, that's what you've been choosing to do anyway.

In the meantime, you have a decision. Accept the things you cannot change (i.e. your sponsor doesn't feel that she can help you) and have the courage to change the things you can (learn from this, maybe try a different group and a different sponsor - and if they say the same, maybe it's worth listening to them). OR, prove her right and let the self-pity take over.

And remember, Acceptance isn't about any inner debate about what's right or wrong; fair or unfair. It's about Accepting that this is just how things, beyond your control, are at this point, and that fighting it and forming resentments over it will just serve to put you in a bit more pain for a bit longer, and stop you progressing.

Which step did you get up to with her?

Time2Rise

FYI, this thread was started well over a year ago.

Berrybean

Haha - just noticed the point re it being an old thread.
Ohhh well. Lol.

Hope the original poster is doing okay now. maybe she'll get an e-mail to say there's been activity on her thread and update us. That'd be nice.

Time2Rise

I've posted many times to old threads that have been bumped Bean; now I usually look at the date of the first post before I respond. But I don't always remember to do that.