Sponsor Breakup - Bad Situation
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Sacramento, CA
Posts: 1
Sponsor Breakup - Bad Situation
Hi there,
I'm new to this forum (and relatively new to recovery - I've been in and out for the past 7 months or so and currently only have 2 days).
I had a sponsor for the past 3 months or so, in which I would keep getting about 30 days and then relapsing. I've really been trying to work the program as of lately (going to at least 1 meeting a day, being of service, calling sponsor and other alcoholics every day, reading big book, doing step work, etc.), but I just can't seem to keep my sobriety. It's very frustrating and I tend to get very upset with myself.
After this last relapse on Tuesday, my sponsor "fired" me, which came out of the blue and has turned into a really ugly situation. We were really close and got along well (or so I thought). I told her everything and really trusted her, which is not easy for me to do. She said that as long as I am honest with her, she is not going anywhere and will always be there for me. I have been completely honest with her and then she goes ahead and "lets me go". Not only that, but she has said some pretty ugly things about me and why she doesn't want to sponsor me anymore (like I'm too attention-seeking, full of self pity, etc.). She also just un-friended me on Facebook (which may seem like a trivial point, but it was a very intentional move that actually says a lot).
I realize it was MY fault for relapsing yet again and that it was my choice to drink again. And sure, I have not been the easiest sponsee to work with because of these relapses. I just hate that things are SO ugly between her and I at this point, when they used to be so good. It really hurts, and of course, I am thinking about it too much.
I am debating not going back to my home AA fellowship (which is amazing), because I can't imagine seeing her. She's one of the "main" women in the group and I'm sure has all the other women on her "side" now.
Also, other women in the group have told me things such as "give up your seat in AA for someone who really wants it" and "go ahead and keep on drinking until you're done, then you can come back".
I know it sounds like I am just complaining a whole lot (which is not like me usually), I am just very hurt by some of these things. I know that I am very sensitive, being in early recovery and all, but I am wondering if I am justified in being upset by this? Or am I making a big deal over nothing? I don't know what to do.
Any advice or relative experiences you have would be helpful. Thanks so much.
Lisa
I'm new to this forum (and relatively new to recovery - I've been in and out for the past 7 months or so and currently only have 2 days).
I had a sponsor for the past 3 months or so, in which I would keep getting about 30 days and then relapsing. I've really been trying to work the program as of lately (going to at least 1 meeting a day, being of service, calling sponsor and other alcoholics every day, reading big book, doing step work, etc.), but I just can't seem to keep my sobriety. It's very frustrating and I tend to get very upset with myself.
After this last relapse on Tuesday, my sponsor "fired" me, which came out of the blue and has turned into a really ugly situation. We were really close and got along well (or so I thought). I told her everything and really trusted her, which is not easy for me to do. She said that as long as I am honest with her, she is not going anywhere and will always be there for me. I have been completely honest with her and then she goes ahead and "lets me go". Not only that, but she has said some pretty ugly things about me and why she doesn't want to sponsor me anymore (like I'm too attention-seeking, full of self pity, etc.). She also just un-friended me on Facebook (which may seem like a trivial point, but it was a very intentional move that actually says a lot).
I realize it was MY fault for relapsing yet again and that it was my choice to drink again. And sure, I have not been the easiest sponsee to work with because of these relapses. I just hate that things are SO ugly between her and I at this point, when they used to be so good. It really hurts, and of course, I am thinking about it too much.
I am debating not going back to my home AA fellowship (which is amazing), because I can't imagine seeing her. She's one of the "main" women in the group and I'm sure has all the other women on her "side" now.
Also, other women in the group have told me things such as "give up your seat in AA for someone who really wants it" and "go ahead and keep on drinking until you're done, then you can come back".
I know it sounds like I am just complaining a whole lot (which is not like me usually), I am just very hurt by some of these things. I know that I am very sensitive, being in early recovery and all, but I am wondering if I am justified in being upset by this? Or am I making a big deal over nothing? I don't know what to do.
Any advice or relative experiences you have would be helpful. Thanks so much.
Lisa
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
sounds like some of your group are taking the "hard liners" approach to you - which may or may not be useful or appropriate but I have definitely seen that happen.
Sounds also like you have some evaluation to do.... from what you've shared I question whether you're really accepting the program and getting down to it.
Maybe this is a chance to really get honest with yourself.
Where have you been lying to yourself?
Where have you had some successes?
What can you change to get and stay honest with yourself?
How can you build on and magnify those successes....?
Maybe you can spend some time really looking at yourself and these past 7 months with a fearless and honest eye and come up with a new plan.
Maybe you can head back to your home group, own your mistakes and maybe share your plan and your learnings - and then DEMONSTRATE your changes through action.
don't give up.
Sounds also like you have some evaluation to do.... from what you've shared I question whether you're really accepting the program and getting down to it.
Maybe this is a chance to really get honest with yourself.
Where have you been lying to yourself?
Where have you had some successes?
What can you change to get and stay honest with yourself?
How can you build on and magnify those successes....?
Maybe you can spend some time really looking at yourself and these past 7 months with a fearless and honest eye and come up with a new plan.
Maybe you can head back to your home group, own your mistakes and maybe share your plan and your learnings - and then DEMONSTRATE your changes through action.
don't give up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 72
Hi Lisa, I'm also in AA. I think a sponsor should feel free to end their relationship with their sponsee at any time. But not in the rude way she did. It would have been enough to say, sorry, I can't sponsor you anymore, it isn't working out. If you feel uncomfortable going back to your group, maybe try a different group? If AA isn't enough for you to stay sober, there are other things you can try, such as therapy, posting on these forums, rehab or outpatient programs. I hope you don't give up on sobriety!
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
Welcome to SR.I don't read anything i your post that suggests she has been rude to you.
Don't hesitate to go back to the meeting.In my experience moving round different meetings is not the way to go.Never let one person keep you out of a meeting.
Sometimes it is impossible to keep a sponsee on who continually relapses,our own sobriety comes first.
I think you have made this into a huge problem in your head,your ex-sponsor is getting on with her life and probably not worrying about you.
Wishing you well.
Don't hesitate to go back to the meeting.In my experience moving round different meetings is not the way to go.Never let one person keep you out of a meeting.
Sometimes it is impossible to keep a sponsee on who continually relapses,our own sobriety comes first.
I think you have made this into a huge problem in your head,your ex-sponsor is getting on with her life and probably not worrying about you.
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Lisa!! 
I've no personal experience of the Sponsor/Sponsee relationship, but I guess it can be terminated by either party at any time, whether there's an etiquette as to the how it's done, others will have to fill in the gaps.
I've no personal experience of the Sponsor/Sponsee relationship, but I guess it can be terminated by either party at any time, whether there's an etiquette as to the how it's done, others will have to fill in the gaps.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by teal515 
Not only that, but she has said some pretty ugly things about me and why she doesn't want to sponsor me anymore (like I'm too attention-seeking, full of self pity, etc.). She also just un-friended me on Facebook (which may seem like a trivial point, but it was a very intentional move that actually says a lot).
I hate Facebook and quite frankly the only people who should be on your Facebook are close family and friends. Sponsors have no business being on anyone's Facebook, just my honest opinion.
The only requirement for membership in AA is the desire to quit drinking. Just remember, what others think of you is none of your business.
Sorry you are dealing with this.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
If you aren't willing to do what it takes to stay stopped, she has a right to not work with you and to find someone who does want to recover. Plain and simple.
Why weren't you calling her before you relapsed?
Why weren't you calling her before you relapsed?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I can understand why she wouldn't want to be your sponsor anymore, but she should not be talking about you to other people. Also,
Also, other women in the group have told me things such as "give up your seat in AA for someone who really wants it" and "go ahead and keep on drinking until you're done, then you can come back".
Doesn't sound like a welcoming home group to me. Nobody has the right to tell you that you shouldn't be attending AA because you're relapsing. If anything they should encourage you to continue.
Sorry you're hurting. Time to look for some new meetings and a new sponsor? Hang in there and keep trying. xoxo
Also, other women in the group have told me things such as "give up your seat in AA for someone who really wants it" and "go ahead and keep on drinking until you're done, then you can come back".
Doesn't sound like a welcoming home group to me. Nobody has the right to tell you that you shouldn't be attending AA because you're relapsing. If anything they should encourage you to continue.
Sorry you're hurting. Time to look for some new meetings and a new sponsor? Hang in there and keep trying. xoxo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
Originally Posted by teal515
i
I realize it was MY fault for relapsing yet again
I realize it was MY fault for relapsing yet again
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
From what I understand, if you have a desire to stop drinking you have every right to take a seat in that room. Even if you keep relapsing. Don't give people in there power over you. I have no idea the details of your situation, but if this sponsor is sharing your confidential information with others, be glad she is no longer your sponsor. She is wrong for doing that. I don't care what justifications anyone has, she is wrong for sharing your information with others. Ethically, morally etc. If the group you're in has the pervasive attitude toward your relapsing as you've indicated, I'd suggest finding another group if possible. If you have a desire for sobriety, you belong in AA.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Hikkaduwa, Sri Lanbka
Posts: 40
Hi, I am in AA with 6 months of sobriety. Yeah, sponsors can be tricky. I wish you some long-term sobriety which will help you tremendously in choosing a sponsor. Maybe try another group so you won't feel uncomfortable about the dynamics with this woman. I had to leave a group that had a lady who was pretty confrontational with me. I think she wanted to be my sponsor, but I just don't like her ways and didn't ask her. WATCH what people say and do before choosing another sponsor and maybe you will have a better fit.
Good luck, I went through two other sponsors before I found the one who is helping me work the steps and stay sober.
Good luck, I went through two other sponsors before I found the one who is helping me work the steps and stay sober.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I'm not in AA currently...but have been before.
I'm suddenly wondering if the groups are not similar to say...antidepressants. Sometimes you have to try a few to find the right one that works well with you.
Difficult in a fragile state and perhaps easy to give up on...
but then when giving up...who loses in the long run?
I'd give another group a go....
I'm suddenly wondering if the groups are not similar to say...antidepressants. Sometimes you have to try a few to find the right one that works well with you.
Difficult in a fragile state and perhaps easy to give up on...
but then when giving up...who loses in the long run?
I'd give another group a go....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Last time i looked to get sober i was seeing an addiction counsellor. I had been seeing him for 2 months at $80 a session, twice a week. I couldn't get more than a couple of weeks without drinking together. On the 8th week he said to me that he is going to have to stop seeing me because he does not want him to turn into an enabler for my drinking. He said his door is open when i get serious about stopping drinking but there is little progress to ge made with him at the moment. I walked out if his clinic in shock and felt extremely hurt, angry and hopeless. I was paying him and he didn't even want to take my money anymore!
So i went to AA and got serious.
Let me tell you i went to AA 3 times for varying spells before i got sober over about a 15 year period. I only really got well when i was desperate and hopeless enough.
Now your sponsor issue. I think that you need to find a new one quivk and find someone who is going to be your sponsor and get you through the steps of AA asap so you can recover. You know someone who is serious about recovery and isn't going to add you as a Facebook friend!
So i went to AA and got serious.
Let me tell you i went to AA 3 times for varying spells before i got sober over about a 15 year period. I only really got well when i was desperate and hopeless enough.
Now your sponsor issue. I think that you need to find a new one quivk and find someone who is going to be your sponsor and get you through the steps of AA asap so you can recover. You know someone who is serious about recovery and isn't going to add you as a Facebook friend!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
A couple of people already mentioned the facebook thing, and that was what stuck out for me.
Sobriety isn't a popularity contest, and if there are groups that run on that basis, personally, I'd find another group. Particularly with what you're describing here, where your levels of anxiety about who has said what to whom, it doesn't sound as if returning to that group is going to help you, and the last thing I would need in early sobriety is avoidable anxiety. Do, find another group.
To stay sober, first thing was I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink, under any circumstances or conditions, that was the bottom line. My last sponsor was purely a step sponsor, mainly because of gender difference, and what he did was take me through the steps with a beautiful simplicity as per the BB. One of the biggest differences was in really understanding the nature of the obsession we have. That was powerful, and it was a relief. And as said, it was neither complicated or long-winded. We just did it!! Source and read the AA literature on sponsorship, and it may be helpful.
The other point in your post, the programme is of course about helping others and the other things you describe, but in order to give it away, we first need something to give. And as I don't live in AA meetings all the time, the programme really translates into how I now live in those principles in my day to day life, inside and outside of AA. Some days I do better than others ;-)
As others have said, a sponsor is of course as entitled as we are to end the sponsee-sponsor relationship. How that is handled is the key thing, and if nothing else, your experience here can if you let it, be a great learning one.
Keep on going, and wish you well.
Sobriety isn't a popularity contest, and if there are groups that run on that basis, personally, I'd find another group. Particularly with what you're describing here, where your levels of anxiety about who has said what to whom, it doesn't sound as if returning to that group is going to help you, and the last thing I would need in early sobriety is avoidable anxiety. Do, find another group.
To stay sober, first thing was I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink, under any circumstances or conditions, that was the bottom line. My last sponsor was purely a step sponsor, mainly because of gender difference, and what he did was take me through the steps with a beautiful simplicity as per the BB. One of the biggest differences was in really understanding the nature of the obsession we have. That was powerful, and it was a relief. And as said, it was neither complicated or long-winded. We just did it!! Source and read the AA literature on sponsorship, and it may be helpful.
The other point in your post, the programme is of course about helping others and the other things you describe, but in order to give it away, we first need something to give. And as I don't live in AA meetings all the time, the programme really translates into how I now live in those principles in my day to day life, inside and outside of AA. Some days I do better than others ;-)
As others have said, a sponsor is of course as entitled as we are to end the sponsee-sponsor relationship. How that is handled is the key thing, and if nothing else, your experience here can if you let it, be a great learning one.
Keep on going, and wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
I don't go to AA and thus have no sponsor, but I advise you that this situation is not a reason to drink. It sounds like you might still be finding reasons to drink, which can make sobriety difficult. I realized at some point that there are thousands of "reasons" to drink if I looked for them, but not any one of them was a good reason to drink, and that understanding has helped me weather some fairly traumatic events (relationship collapse; parent hospitalization episodes 1 & 2; pet deaths 1 & 2 -- pretty glad those last two weren't the other way around, lol) in the past year.
Further, if it seems like everyone is a critic all of a sudden, usually that's something to consider seriously. Ben Franklin said our critics are our friends. One person might just be being a tool, but the idea that everyone is being unreasonable tends to strain credulity.
Good luck.
Further, if it seems like everyone is a critic all of a sudden, usually that's something to consider seriously. Ben Franklin said our critics are our friends. One person might just be being a tool, but the idea that everyone is being unreasonable tends to strain credulity.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 128
Teal 515. I am going to add my two cents and this is advice a got from SR and an addictions counselor. I went to AA, got sober, with a sponsor that was really tough and had had a tough life. I relapsed after 30 days and both she and her husband, also in recovery, balled me out and were so ashamed of me. I was rejected by the AA group until I had another 30 days. She accused me of not calling her in front of the group and then realized I had called her, but that she hadn't checked her messages. She also asked me for money, which I posted on SR.
So, I chose the wrong sponsor and didn't realize it. I am not a sponsor and new again,
but everything I read on SR is to keep trying. People get tired us of trying but we can't focus on that. Keep getting up.
I recently joined a new AA group in a different state and the entire group dynamic is very different. I am looking for a new sponsor and the advice on SR was to find someone willing to help me work the steps and encourage me. I need encouragement and honesty...and of course, tough love.
I personally can not handle very well anyone berating me publicly or gossiping about anyone.
I hope you find a new sponsor and maybe a new group. I was so afraid after a huge relapse to go back to AA. So very afraid.
I just wanted to write to you and hopefully encourage you. My former sponsor really hurt me. But she had a lot of sobriety and I learned a lot from her, inspite of everything.
Wishing you and all of you the best.
So, I chose the wrong sponsor and didn't realize it. I am not a sponsor and new again,
but everything I read on SR is to keep trying. People get tired us of trying but we can't focus on that. Keep getting up.
I recently joined a new AA group in a different state and the entire group dynamic is very different. I am looking for a new sponsor and the advice on SR was to find someone willing to help me work the steps and encourage me. I need encouragement and honesty...and of course, tough love.
I personally can not handle very well anyone berating me publicly or gossiping about anyone.
I hope you find a new sponsor and maybe a new group. I was so afraid after a huge relapse to go back to AA. So very afraid.
I just wanted to write to you and hopefully encourage you. My former sponsor really hurt me. But she had a lot of sobriety and I learned a lot from her, inspite of everything.
Wishing you and all of you the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 128
Teal 515. I am going to add my two cents and this is advice a got from SR and an addictions counselor. I went to AA, got sober, with a sponsor that was really tough and had had a tough life. I relapsed after 30 days and both she and her husband, also in recovery, balled me out and were so ashamed of me. I was rejected by the AA group until I had another 30 days. She accused me of not calling her in front of the group and then realized I had called her, but that she hadn't checked her messages. She also asked me for money, which I posted on SR.
So, I chose the wrong sponsor and didn't realize it. I am not a sponsor and new again,
but everything I read on SR is to keep trying. People get tired us of trying but we can't focus on that. Keep getting up.
I recently joined a new AA group in a different state and the entire group dynamic is very different. I am looking for a new sponsor and the advice on SR was to find someone willing to help me work the steps and encourage me. I need encouragement and honesty...and of course, tough love.
I personally can not handle very well anyone berating me publicly or gossiping about anyone.
I hope you find a new sponsor and maybe a new group. I was so afraid after a huge relapse to go back to AA. So very afraid.
I just wanted to write to you and hopefully encourage you. My former sponsor really hurt me. But she had a lot of sobriety and I learned a lot from her, inspite of everything.
Wishing you and all of you the best.
So, I chose the wrong sponsor and didn't realize it. I am not a sponsor and new again,
but everything I read on SR is to keep trying. People get tired us of trying but we can't focus on that. Keep getting up.
I recently joined a new AA group in a different state and the entire group dynamic is very different. I am looking for a new sponsor and the advice on SR was to find someone willing to help me work the steps and encourage me. I need encouragement and honesty...and of course, tough love.
I personally can not handle very well anyone berating me publicly or gossiping about anyone.
I hope you find a new sponsor and maybe a new group. I was so afraid after a huge relapse to go back to AA. So very afraid.
I just wanted to write to you and hopefully encourage you. My former sponsor really hurt me. But she had a lot of sobriety and I learned a lot from her, inspite of everything.
Wishing you and all of you the best.
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