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Old 04-27-2014, 08:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Kabukicho View Post
I come very humbly to this forum to seek advice and comfort. I am as crippled by anxiety / depression / addiction as a double-amputee is crippled by his loss of legs. I am truly, truly ill.
You cannot treat any of your anxiety or depression issues until you stop drinking, it's as simple as that. It's also possible that alcohol is in part the cause of your anxiety and deprression.

You are no different than the rest of us, it's very common to have these issues underlying addiction.

You asksd for advice, mine is to stop drinking. See a counselor, do detox, AA, rehab, whatever it takes. The crippling you reference is self injected and reversible...by putting down the bottle.
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Old 04-27-2014, 08:17 AM
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I agree with Dee, when I first started seeking help, I went to AA and I still do, then I found SR. At both the meetings and here on SR, I heard and read about people slipping over and over again, yet still welcomed back to try and try again. It saddened me in a way, how could I ever put it down for good if people were going to tell me "it's okay, learn from your slip, start over again" , they were just giving me a reason to drink again. It took some time, reading and reading, listening and sharing, and most importantly, some sober time, to realize that the people who were trying to help me weren't telling me that it was okay to drink, as long as I kept coming back, it was my AV voice convincing me that I could drink as much as I wanted, all these people would forgive and welcome me back! The veteran's here know what we're going through, they've been there! All we have to do is listen.... openly listen! Be able to tune out the AV and then realize that there is only one way to recover, then and only then will it all make sense......
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Old 04-27-2014, 08:35 AM
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Kabukicho. The benzos are prescribed ok. Why don't you stop the alcohol now and let the medicine work? Once you take the booze out of the equation you can work on your medication plan with your doctor.
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Old 04-27-2014, 08:40 AM
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Well, there it is.

I am quitting drinking. I will use my benzo supply to mitigate withdrawal symptoms.

I will let you know how it goes.
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:17 AM
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Quitting drinking is a critical first step. And using the benzos to withdrawal from the booze is exactly what I would do if I were you.

That said, not admitting you are an alcoholic to a medical professional at this point while also fearing your loss of a benzo supplier is a big step you are going to have to face.

Full stop: Getting booze out of your life will significantly improve your depression and anxiety.

Full stop: Remaining on benzos will derail any attempt to mitigate your depression and anxiety through therapy.

FUll stop: If you don't find a medical professional specializing in benzo withdrawal and tapering you're going to wallow in benzo addiction for a long time, and my benzo addiction always, every single time, resulted in turning back to booze.

Full stop: Nearly every employer I know of drug tests for benzos, and a legitimate prescription for same rarely keeps the hard questions and sometime job application rejection at bay.
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Old 04-27-2014, 10:10 AM
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I am so scared.
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Old 04-27-2014, 10:13 AM
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I don't understand this life.

We obey the rules as they have been set out by those in power. We go to Starbucks and go to our jobs and go shopping and have sex and make babies and pretend that we are happy. None of that works for me. I look around the streets of Boston and want to vomit from the sheer hedonistic ignorance that surrounds me every day.

I cannot stand this life without substances. It is hideous. There is no relief.
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Old 04-27-2014, 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Kabukicho View Post
I don't understand this life.

We obey the rules as they have been set out by those in power. We go to Starbucks and go to our jobs and go shopping and have sex and make babies and pretend that we are happy. None of that works for me. I look around the streets of Boston and want to vomit from the sheer hedonistic ignorance that surrounds me every day.

I cannot stand this life without substances. It is hideous. There is no relief.
It is your choice to seek help and quit, or continue to use/drink. For most addicts, quitting and actively working on sobriety allows then to live a better life and deal with all the troubles life brings.

All the things you describe may or may not be true, but using them as an excuse to drink or use is merely that. The problems of life exist for everyone, and life is not fair...it never will be. You can decide how much more difficult you want to make it on top of those things. You can change yourself.
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Old 04-27-2014, 10:49 AM
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Everyone here has offered so much wonderful, meaningful, compassionate advice. Thank you all.

I hope that you all find peace. I will continue my battle with depression / anxiety / addiction with all my might.

As Winston Churchill once said, Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival.
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Old 04-27-2014, 10:54 AM
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approx. a hour after posting how you were drinking a glass of Bushmill's, you provided "info that might be helpful" about your looks, $$, hot girlie and success.

approx. 2 hours after the glass you said you were quitting drinking and sticking with the benzos to help you though.

approx a hour later you are ruminating about the hedonistic qualities of your city and how it's impossible to be sober in this life.

If you feel at all unique and special, I'd just like to say your posts are near text book behaviours in a lot of ways. I'd hope that makes you actually feel better about things, rather than worse.

I can relate very much to most everything you've posted in this thread.
Since I know you've been drinking I'm just going to say that you'll get a lot of support and suggestions here at SR, possibly make some close friends to help, have a place that will always be open to you no matter the time of day.. etc.

Hope to see you back here again.
Cheers
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Old 04-27-2014, 10:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Kabukicho View Post
Everyone here has offered so much wonderful, meaningful, compassionate advice. Thank you all.

I hope that you all find peace. I will continue my battle with depression / anxiety / addiction with all my might.

As Winston Churchill once said, Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival.

You can always find compassionate and caring people right here Kabukicho, we deal with our own demons on a daily basis but we have to find a way to live a better and more contented life. You will find a way I truly believe that.
Just keep posting your thoughts and we can all hopefully help you through this.

A problem shared is a problem halved.
Wishing you well.
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:00 AM
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Benzo recovery resources in Boston:

Benzo, Valium, Xanax Recovery in Boston Massachusetts - Help Guide
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:01 AM
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I also need foreign country resources...
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:03 AM
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Lethe, you are right on. I am a textbook addict and narcissist. I am searching for a way out, but the road is dark and full of terrors.
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:05 AM
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Stoogy, thank you so much. Your dog picture is incredibly cute! My dog recently died and I miss her terribly.

I will continue to post and seek support. This forum is truly invaluable.

Thank you all for being here. It means more than you know.
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:07 AM
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Dude

Quit drinking. You start the new gig while still drinking, there's a solid chance things aren't going to turn out real well.

Start combing local resources to find some support with benzo addiction.

Most organizations well versed in benzo addiction, tapering and withdrawal will stabilize you on a manageable dosage and stick to a rigorous, slow tapering plan -- which to this addict seems like torture, and I remain grateful I had the opportunity and fortitude to go cold turkey and not die, because the experience helps me stay sober today -- but there are program out there that have helped thousands of people like us.
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:08 AM
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Your best bet is to start receiving help and support in Boston and get some stability under your belt to take with you to Tokyo. I found finding support in Asian countries very difficult.
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:12 AM
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But I think you're missing a critical point here.

Taking that first step in seeking face-to-face support from professional providers , for many of us, was cathartic yet freeing, a step towards surrender that seemed impossible to take but once taken removed a ton of angst, something most of us here have experienced and can attest to.
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:13 AM
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The problem is that intercontinental advertising agencies (where I work) treat alcohol like mother's milk. There is no avoiding it. Just try to refuse a lunchtime drink at my workplace. You will be laughed out of a job.
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:15 AM
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I usually have four scotch-and-sodas at lunch, then work until 7 PM, then commute home on the Tokyo subway, and have four more scotches and a benzo at home.

No wonder my wife and I can't conceive. I can't ejaculate.
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