Kabukicho

Yes. My mind is open. Any suggestions are welcome.

AlcoholFree66

That's for you to work out. I think this term 'functional addict' is nonsense. And I promise you from my perspective (and many others) it just gets worse. Addiction breeds problems and dysfunction.

Kabukicho

Exactly. I know it's going to get worse. Tolerance is building. Withdrawal symptoms are increasing. I need to kick this sh*t. I just don't know how.

I don't know how to deal with the pain of living life.

deeker

If you are self medicating by drinking alcohol and benzos, you are not being responsible at all.

You are abusing 2 substances that could kill you.

Upward2Enlightenment

Isn't that what you are doing now?

Carlotta

You are obviously not ready and you will probably disagree but your life is already unmnageable
You're hooked and right there it is unmanageable and not normal. On top of that, if you think for one minute that you will be able to make a great start at a new job while detoxing from booze and benzos (which can be fatal btw either one...) think again. The sweats and shakes will not just be an overnight thing on your pillow, you ll be shaking like a leaf during the day too. Right in front of your new employer and let's pray you don't get a seizure.
How manageable is that?
As far as bottoms go, they can be as high or as low as you allow them to be. For some people, their bottom was sitting in the dark after work with a six pack, depressed and contemplating suicide..for others, rock bottom is death.
How low will your bottom be? What is your tolerance for pain? Will it be a high bottom or will it be six feet under?
Your call.

deeker

Go sit in an NA meeting or AA meeting. Just sit in on it and listen.


You said you were open to suggestions right?

It's 1 hour of your life.

Kabukicho

I will be starting my new job on 2 mg of clonazepam daily.

I anticipate drinking at night on top of that.

My hope is that I will adjust to my new job and be able to level off on my substance use.

For now, everything is f*cking terrifying and I will do anything to keep the soul-wrenching anxiety at bay.

Kabukicho

My rock-bottom is alcohol-induced depression and suicidal ideas.

(Don't call the cops. I'm not suicidal. That is my imaginary rock-bottom, which I have not hit yet.)

Carlotta

You should read the friends and family forum to see what she truly feels and think about you and what your addiction is doing to her.
Btw, when I quit drinking I lived (and still do) in a nice city, have a great job (money is not that good but it is wonderful work) where I am well respected and good friends.
Did not mean that I was not an alcoholic and that my life was manageable.
You don't need to lose it all to hit bottom.

Kabukicho

Precisely. I have not lost anything, yet I believe I am at rock-bottom.

Carlotta

Well, obviously you are not ready to quit but still I would suggest that you bookmark this site and hopefully keep coming back and reading. Deeker's suggestion to go to a AA or NA speaker meeting is a good one too.
When you are ready and when you have that "moment of clarity" where you feel that you are on top of a cliff and it is terrifying to continue and it is terrifying to stop we will be there for you. Right now, the pleasure of using still outweigh the pain of it but believe me, at some point the balance will shift.

Good luck with your new job.

isab

dear kabuchiko you do have my compassion. withdrawl from benzos is going to be painful,most likely. it will pass. do ask for help from medical sources. that is their job. no shame attached to this. talking is your friend. don't do this alone.

deeker

I found when I stopped drinking and got off benzos my anxiety went away. Because I was building days I was proud of and not being in total fear the next day after a black out.

I wasn't ashamed of what happened or may have happened the night before.

What have been some of the consequences of your alcohol and drug use?

jaynie04

My bottom was not an event, it was a slow bleed of things that used to matter to me. I never had legal, financial or marital issues.

Sobriety isn't an event either. It is a series of choices.

I will tell you the one thing I am struggling with at this point is beginning to see that I really rewired my brain to look for short term gratification. I really have to push myself hard to make choices that are healthier options, I got really used to the quick fix.

You are training your brain to reach for something external to deal with internal crap. I am not saying you might not always take meds, but I would impress upon you the idea that you are actually rerouting neural pathways by making choices that feed addiction. I wish somebody had told me that when I was 26.

Kabukicho

Right now, the pleasure of using still outweigh the pain of it but believe me, at some point the balance will shift.

This is exactly my predicament. I am still in the "pleasure" zone. I deeply, truly believe that I gain benefits from substance use. Yet I am afraid of addiction.

I will continue to humbly come to this forum, both to offer and receive advice.

Kabukicho

What have been some of the consequences of your alcohol and drug use?

I am sorry (happy?) to say that I have experienced ZERO consequences of my drug / alcohol abuse. No wrecked relationships. No DUIs. No family problems.

If anything, the raw facts of life itself have caused me infinitely more harm than drugs / alcohol. I use substances to medicate my pain away. Hence my issues.

"All my bad choices were made when I was drunk." That's what my aunt said. I disagree. "All my bad choices were made when I was sober." That is my reply.

I understand that I am a complicated case.

Upward2Enlightenment

Me too. Of course I wouldn't have listened either

deeker

Well here is another suggestion. Number 2

This is a link to an AA basic text. I would look it over.

Big Book Online Fourth Edition

Linked With Permission Of AA World Services, inc

I wish you the best!

isab

It's true, inexplicably, when one stops dinking and taking anti anxiety meds, anxiety goes away.