CodeJob

Hi Tetra,

My RAH went to visit his mum last summer. He was maybe 6 weeks out from rehab.

CJ: hey how is your mum? How is everyone?
H: can u believe my mom accused me of drinking?
CJ: what happened for her to do that?
H: I drove from sib House to mum's house and she said it took me too long. That I must have stopped and drank.
CJ: huh. Well did you?
H: NO!
CJ: well ok. Your mom does not know how to react. Your mom does not want you to relapse on her watch.
H: grumbling....
CJ: hon, you might have triggered your mom as she has lived with your dad & her dad.
H: well it wasn't right!
CJ: no but she does not know anything else.

My RAH's family buries alcoholism and really does not get addiction in general. Not that I am much better! But I let him out of my sight and just figure he can get crap to relapse just about anywhere, so it is up to him not me to stay sober.

Now one thing Tetra you might want to think over is why is your mom perturbed with you? Do you know what sparks her resentments? Can you put yourself in her shoes? My RAH only appears to see the world from his superior vantage. He can't see yet all the damage and trust issues lying around. He hits one and gets all ticked off rather than realize he built many of these issues years ago.

Best wishes. I think your own space might be a wise investment.

Solar

Sometimes, a non-drinking alcoholic will go to a party or social gathering. Sometimes, someone will offer the alcoholic a beer. And invariably, the alcoholic will reply, "I can't, I'm an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink in years."

The person who offered the drink might then think, "wow, this person is an alcoholic. He must be a really weak person."

What this person doesn't realize is just how incredibly damn strong the alcoholic is being.

But you know. And I know.

Tetra

Thank you all for all your replies. I do appreciate it more than you know x.

Today was a really rough day. My brother and his fiancee are home and planning their wedding. Now, I have to say that they are the most relaxed bride and groom to be, but what is it about weddings that turn other people into absolute psychos?

I am sitting here and I have just had a good cry. Funnily enough, I feel better now. Sitting here with a pot of camomile tea.

The two above points are pretty much word for word what my therapist has said to me a lot over the past few months. I didn't know that there were so many therapists on SR! The two of us are working on me finding my own feet and being independent.

I am trying my best to have compassion for my mother. My father often says to me that she has a lot more baggage than I do. It's this paranoia that gets me...the neighbours are laughing at us, or so-and-so is laughing at us. In all honesty, I have been through a lot in life and I have found that most people are concerned with one thing: themselves. To be told almost everyday that you're an idiot does take its toll.

I am very grateful for everything she has done for me, but no one deserves this abuse. I have applied for three new jobs today and I am hoping to move out soon.

I don't have a huge amount of friends (a few close ones) and it helps me a lot to know I am not alone. So thank you all.

Kaneda8888

Hey Tetra

Are you the oldest daughter in the family ? That might explain things. Its good that you dont take on what your mum says, its a reflection on her and not you !
It might be good to check out personality disorders to see if your mum is suffering, eg, narcissistic personality disorder. I am not saying that your mum is suffering any disorder but you might want to make sure.

Amazingglazier

Tetra, what I would do is tell her if she can't be supportive then don't say anything at all! Do what you are doing and get out of that caustic environment as soon as possible. I didn't speak to my mom for like 12 years for different reasons, but it has come back to bite me, as she has Alzheimers and hardly knows who I am and I wish she could see me now. Stay Strong and Well ! Bobby