jdooner

Exactly BigS - when I had my knee done in Nov and I had to take an Oxy the last thing I wanted to feel was the high. I was scared to death I would start to float. Given the pain I didn't feel it at all. I remained sober throughout. Mentally I came through stronger but it was mental gymnastics so I understand what your going through AO.

You are a beacon of light for many people here. I know you are going to shine through this.

alphaomega

I didn't know pain meds won't make you high if they are used for pain. I had no idea.

I guess I'm just looking for a reason to drink. Because my whole life will be changing. And I feel like I have no control over any of it so what am I fighting for ?

I stopped drinking to improve my quality of life. And everything I know, had locked down, is in disarray. My life has improved marginally. And all of that will be changing again.

Aarryckha

I just want to give you a big hug, AO.

/hugs

Dee74

I think you need some perspective.

You need this op - it's not a punishment. It's not a smiting from God....and it is about improving your quality of life.

I think your life has improved a little more than marginally...that might be so materially, I have no idea - but you've grown a heck of a lot...people here look up to you and look for your posts.

That's no small thing.

Your AV is obviously bouncing off the walls today but...it's powerless to act without you.
It can't so much as make you blink unless you allow it.

You are still in control here AO

D

alphaomega

I'm not tryin to hear that Dee.

How the heck can I nose dive off the wagon if I have people counting on me not to ?

I'm dying over here tryin like hell to give myself permission to slip.

Gheesh. Troublemaker.

Dee74

Yeah, I do that.

D

Looking4Help123

Ride the wave Alpha!

jaynie04

AO, you are a sober alcoholic who is ruthlessly honest and has busted your butt to get here. Life still happens, that is out of our control. People heal more quickly when they are not clenched in pain (don't you just love an ex-pill popper giving you that advice). They do.

Think of it this way. People with eating disorders have a very similar struggle daily. They are forced to consume their drug in moderate portions to live, and many do successfully. This is a one time thing that is not marring your straight line, you own that sista. You aren't drug seeking, this is exactly what meds are for.

alphaomega

Wow. I have never even thought of it like that ! Everyday must be a challenge . Multiple times a day. Thank you for that perspective.

I am still a sober alcoholic as of 9:30 pm central standard time.

I'm not making any promises about tomorrow.

But like Scarlet O'Hara said, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow ..."

Aarryckha

All you can do is get through today. Worry about tomorrow when it comes.

EndGameNYC

You've got some nerve, contemplating destroying all the good work you've done.

alphaomega

I was wondering when you were gonna come around and put me in my place.

My thoughts were, if I'm going to do drugs, I might as well get high on my own supply.

Did I mention how ridiculously embarrassing this is ? I'm supposed to be a warrior for Gods sake ! And I'm supposed to be over this nonsense, secure and safe in my sobriety after all this time. Right ?

Some days yes. Others, not so much.

Blah.

jdooner

To be vulnerable is to be human...I am glad you are part of the sober human race.

Aarryckha

It's okay to have a bad day. You're going through a lot. I'm glad you came here to find some words of wisdom.

/hugs

Dee74

Drugs ain't drugs, at least not to me.

The drugs I take now when necessary add to my quality of life, they don;t take it away like the drugs I used to get high on.

I dunno if its a thing or not but I've never been high on my pain meds either - then again I'm always striving to take the least amount possible...because it's not about drugs now it's about living.

D

RobbyRobot

You already know my back story with surgeries, Alpha. Taking pain meds when in pain didn't get me high either, same as others have shared same. The pain cancels out any potential high. Of course, I took only enough to numb out the pain, and when I could manage it, I tapered off my daily doses of dilaudid (hydromorphone 8mg) after my last amputation. Took a few weeks. Been there and done that. And as Jaynie shared, we heal faster when our pain is managed is my experience too.

Don't sweat this.

In fact, to be honest, you may want to look deeper then the workable challenges with pain meds. Your a smart cookie, and your straight up too... I'm sure you have more important issues on your plate besides pain med blues.

Tell me I'm wrong, warrior.

alphaomega

Like Clairee said in Steel Magnolias, "Robby, you know I love you more than my luggage."

Well, all except the Robby part.
But she didn't know you.

If she did, she would totally of said that.

digdug

I posted a similar thread before I had my hips replaced in November.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lcoholics.html

Ask Endgame; I was bugging him about having to take painkillers when he had surgery lol.

After my surgery, I tried to go without the pain killers. I lasted about 6 hours before I woke up in the middle of the night screaming in pain.

I ended up on morphine and oxycontin, followed by oxycodone.

I was petrified of relapse, both with alcohol, and picking up a new habit (I used a LOT of drugs when I was younger; opiates were never my thing, but they could easily become my thing). So I did everything in my power to make sure that wouldn't happen. I was honest about being in recovery with every single doctor I came in contact with. I requested the pain management team in the hospital. I checked into an inpatient physical rehab after I was discharged from the hospital so the nurses would be in control of my doses. When I left rehab, I gave my mom all my pills to hold and she dished them out only a couple of days worth at a time. I worked out a solid taper plan with my PCP and was able to get off the pills within 6 weeks after the surgery. I even had pills left over that I flushed.

Most importantly, I stayed connected to my support system. Friends from AA visited, called and texted every day. They brought meetings to me in rehab. It was amazing.

I do have to say though, taking those meds really did spin my head a bit. Yes, it was more pain relief than getting "high." But I was inebriated. The whole, "take a substance and get relief" feeling was all too familiar. With alcohol, I drank to get relief from my life. Alcohol went in my system and I felt better. After surgery, I took a pill and I felt better. But with all the checks and balances in place, I was able to deal with the emotions stirred up from pain killers.

This was not a relapse. It was a necessary evil. But now, over four months after my surgery, I'm fully recovered. And I'm stronger emotionally and spiritually from having gone through the process.

EndGameNYC

First off, your "place" is wherever you are.

So, as long as you poison yourself with your "own supply," everything's good? In some circles, this is known as "suicide." I'd tell you that you can't possibly be serious about this, but I'm in the privileged position of knowing better.

You'll drink tomorrow, or you won't drink. You'll feel like $hit tomorrow, or you won't. There's no such thing as a free pass. You don't know if you'll come back next time or, perhaps worse, you'll make it back but at a much diminished capacity.

As for being a "warrior," I was never fond of analogies that involve war when it comes to getting sober. If it is a war, it's not one we can win, nor should we even be fighting. The outcome of that fight is always the same. Saying "yes" to life means saying "yes" to a good life. Whether or not that happens is up to you and not some surgical procedure or a requirement that you take drugs in order to avoid a great deal of physical pain.

I've had two major and one minor surgeries in the past fifteen months. I felt giddy when I came to after each surgery, and I can't say it was completely unpleasant. I used the morphine pump, and I wouldn't characterize my use of that magic button as conservative. But I never lost sight of what I am, and what I can become.

After I got home, I weened myself off of painkillers, and I did feel as though I was high as the pain subsided. I didn't shed a tear when my pills ran out, and I wasn't jonesing for them afterwards. I was happy to return to my sober life without the debilitating pain I suffered prior to each surgery.

I understand the thinking of drinking or getting high since you might be high anyway as a result of your surgery. I had similar, fleeting thoughts, but it still never occurred to me to drink at any point through each surgical process. Sure, some people might cut you some slack. After all, you were on painkillers. But you still have to live with yourself when the dust settles.

You've already learned all you need to know about the consequences of both active alcoholism and sobriety. You either want to live a better life, or you don't. Only you can decide.

alphaomega

Thanks Digdug. I remember your surgery. That was a doozy. Thanks for sharing that with me. I know many have been through worse, but I'm scared. Scared of what they will find. Not a fan of pain but not phobic about it either. It more what lies underneath all of this that has me wigged out.

Endgame - I should of said "set me straight". You have such a way of putting things into perspective. I imagine it's because you've "been and done", from both sides, and are able to see the AV, in all it's stupid glory, reading it's ugly head regardless of its sheeps clothing.
Thanks for helping me to see beyond that. I was melting down big time.

Momma no likey meltdowns. Especially when they are self derived.

I'm so happy I didn't drink yesterday. It strange. I have such resolve upon waking and then life and it's shenanigans slowly chips away at that wall throughout the day.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know that. And what better way to seal the deal than to throw away everything I've worked so damn hard for ? Then I can REALLY put my party hat on and wallow.

Once again, you all helped my skewed thoughts come back to the truth.

I think I'm solid for today.

XO AO