Cfits

Hi. I am new to the site today. I'm an alcoholic. I have known it and labeled myself as such for a long time but just with myself when I am in the midst of a screw up or on a bad morning when I reach for a drink to steady myself so I can parent, go to work, etc.

My father nearly died from this addiction 3 years ago. My daughter and I brought him home to live with us after he left rehab. I promised no alcohol in the house. I outwardly supported his recovery while my own addiction was driven even deeper underground.

I am a very blessed person. I have a beautiful daughter, I have a good job. I have good friends, a nice boyfriend...

Yet I drink and drink and can't stop.

I feel sick at least 50% of the time. I lie. I fail. I am a fraud.

Recently my car ran out of gas (because I don't pay attention) but I was able to pull off the road into a parking lot. The parking lot was for an AA club. I knew God stopped me there on purpose.

I am a runner and a yoga instructor. I love being active. In the last year I have let those things go. I have chosen booze over almost everything and have figured out how to make booze part of everything. I had my annual physical and my doc asked about my weight gain and sent me for labs. I was hungover at the time. My labs showed liver and kidney issues. Doc wanted follow up labs six weeks later. It's been eight and I am terrified to go back.

This addiction is like a black cloud that at first just swirls around in the background but eventually swollows you. I feel trapped. I feel afraid. Yet I feel like it's me and it and we are one.

I want to be free. I want to know myself without it. Mostly I want to be a good parent, a good friend, a good employee. I want to wake up without the pain and I want to go to sleep without passing out.

I want to know how to get away from this black cloud.

Mrrryah1

Glad to have you here!! You're in the right place Have you been to a face-to-face meeting yet? Welcome!!

Raider

Welcome.

LadyinBC

First of welcome to SR!

The best thing you could do is sit down with your doctor and be upfront and honest and tell them what is going on. Admitting it to someone can in a way be freeing.

Once it is out in the open you can make a plan of attack. And go back and get those tests done. It will give you peace of mind to at least know where everything stands. Lots of people heal from this, however you won't know what to do unless you go back.

Please keep posting you will get so much support here.

Also edited to add that you can post in the newcomers forum. There is lots of traffic there and you will always find someone who can lend some support:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/

Redmayne

Welcome! Nice to see you here. Ok, for me a full understanding of'The Doctor's Opinion' together with the first 164 pages of the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous'. Paying particularly attention, from the first line of Chapter 3, is a good way to start yours or anyone else's journey of recovery...

Together with the help and support of the Forums on this site and the people who post on them, etc. and local A A meetings. Although they're not to everyone's taste...but if they work for you, no problem, ok.

Look upon it as all being a wonderful and hopefully for you and everyone else, adventure!

KateL

Welcome xxxxxx

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

Mel12

Hi Cfits! Thank you for your message, which I can identify with, since I am active. What got me out of drinking was my stubborn habit of never missing a workout. After years of horrible workouts on "the morning after," which often verged on pure torture, I quit.

Why it took me so long to realize training and drinking don't go together is the subject of another discussion. I feel fortunate, however, that some voice inside of me always led me back to my love of exercise.

Since you served as a yoga instructor, I imagine you have a serious connection to yoga that will always be there for the rest of your life. I hope your running and yoga can come back and grow in a beautiful manner. You deserve it! :-)

SeaScape

Welcome! It's hard at first but not drinking and being sober is just better.
Do it for your health and happiness. Welcome and post here often I have to come here alot these early days. I'm still figuring out my plan and all that good stuff too!

SoberLeigh

Welcome, Cfits. Thanks for sharing your story. You are not alone; many people here on SR are where you are or have been there.

I echo the sentiments posted above; be honest with your doctor and have those follow-up tests done.

So glad that you found us. We will walk this path with you.