Reaching
Hi. I am new to the site today. I'm an alcoholic. I have known it and labeled myself as such for a long time but just with myself when I am in the midst of a screw up or on a bad morning when I reach for a drink to steady myself so I can parent, go to work, etc.
My father nearly died from this addiction 3 years ago. My daughter and I brought him home to live with us after he left rehab. I promised no alcohol in the house. I outwardly supported his recovery while my own addiction was driven even deeper underground.
I am a very blessed person. I have a beautiful daughter, I have a good job. I have good friends, a nice boyfriend...
Yet I drink and drink and can't stop.
I feel sick at least 50% of the time. I lie. I fail. I am a fraud.
Recently my car ran out of gas (because I don't pay attention) but I was able to pull off the road into a parking lot. The parking lot was for an AA club. I knew God stopped me there on purpose.
I am a runner and a yoga instructor. I love being active. In the last year I have let those things go. I have chosen booze over almost everything and have figured out how to make booze part of everything. I had my annual physical and my doc asked about my weight gain and sent me for labs. I was hungover at the time. My labs showed liver and kidney issues. Doc wanted follow up labs six weeks later. It's been eight and I am terrified to go back.
This addiction is like a black cloud that at first just swirls around in the background but eventually swollows you. I feel trapped. I feel afraid. Yet I feel like it's me and it and we are one.
I want to be free. I want to know myself without it. Mostly I want to be a good parent, a good friend, a good employee. I want to wake up without the pain and I want to go to sleep without passing out.
I want to know how to get away from this black cloud.