Does anyone else get told "you're not an alcoholic?"
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Pretty much every single person I have told refuted my diagnosis. It was irrelevant whether I was able to garner their approval for MY alcoholism or not.
In retrospect, I think they knew but didn't REALLY want me to be one so that I would continue on in a caretaker role for all of them. All of the time.
Then my girlfriends decided I wasn't either. But I understood that one. I am a party in a body when trashed.
.
And....they all had to evaluate their own drinking then. None wanted to do that.
At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is how alcohol makes you feel about yourself.
Everything else is projecting.
In retrospect, I think they knew but didn't REALLY want me to be one so that I would continue on in a caretaker role for all of them. All of the time.
Then my girlfriends decided I wasn't either. But I understood that one. I am a party in a body when trashed.
. And....they all had to evaluate their own drinking then. None wanted to do that.
At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is how alcohol makes you feel about yourself.
Everything else is projecting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Originally Posted by HopeSho 
I've had people tell me that "You're not an alcoholic, you just get too wild sometimes." I mean...how can anyone tell me I'm NOT an alcoholic if I think I am? lol. It's just weird to me. I know they don't mean to ruin my recovery (and they won't), but it's frustrating to hear.
People have many reasons for saying that. The first is simple ignorance on their part. Either they have no idea just what an alcoholic is or they have no idea what the experience is like for you. Most of us subconsciously hide the true nature of our addiction and conceal our drinking at least some of the time.
Another type of person is trying to sabotage you, deliberately or subconsciously. After all they probably drink as much as you do; if you have a problem, do they? It's easier to deny the problem altogether vs confronting it in themselves. Also, many people are uncomfortable with change and find growth to be scary.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 451
I think the perception that an alcoholic is a homeless person that lives under a bridge drinking paint thinner is still what the majority of people believe. No one who drinks normally and has never encountered alcoholism in their lives has a clue that a lot of alcoholics drink secretly, go to work, have families and seem to be able to take care of day to day stuff just fine. It took me a long time to accept that I was one because I equated being alcoholic with being a loser. Sorry if that offended anyone but I had my head up my own backside for years.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
All that matters is what you think.
Other people don't like it for many reasons-they are trying to make us feel better,they don't want to be associated with "people like that",it reflects their own relationship with alcohol,they don't want to lose their drinking buddy, they don't want to think their friend/relative has a drink problem the list goes on
Other people don't like it for many reasons-they are trying to make us feel better,they don't want to be associated with "people like that",it reflects their own relationship with alcohol,they don't want to lose their drinking buddy, they don't want to think their friend/relative has a drink problem the list goes on
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I told an old friend of mine last night that I got sober. She has been around many drinkers and had been married to one and had no idea. I told her I go to AA and she was even more shocked. She had no idea I drank enough to qualify. She told me I hid it well.
I think that just goes to show the lengths I went to so I could hide it from others, so I could protect my drinking. I am sure if I could rewind the tape and play it for her she would not have been so surprised.
Isolation was how I kept my secret for so long. Keeping people away was my shield. If I had not been so selfish I may have hid it even more. Hiding bottles and drinking in closets but I never did that because I was do determined to be "ME" that I didn't care whether my children saw me. I was doing what I wanted to do and God help those who stood in my way. In my home it was not a secret.
I think that just goes to show the lengths I went to so I could hide it from others, so I could protect my drinking. I am sure if I could rewind the tape and play it for her she would not have been so surprised.
Isolation was how I kept my secret for so long. Keeping people away was my shield. If I had not been so selfish I may have hid it even more. Hiding bottles and drinking in closets but I never did that because I was do determined to be "ME" that I didn't care whether my children saw me. I was doing what I wanted to do and God help those who stood in my way. In my home it was not a secret.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Whether we call ourselves alcoholics, problem drinkers, can't moderate etc etc
The bottom line is we couldn't continue with things as they were, something had to change.
Other people cling on to not accepting that change and try to rationalise their own drinking through convincing us we don't need to change. Have you ever heard someone say that to a diabetic, "your not a diabetic, don't worry, have more sugar"!!
The bottom line is we couldn't continue with things as they were, something had to change.
Other people cling on to not accepting that change and try to rationalise their own drinking through convincing us we don't need to change. Have you ever heard someone say that to a diabetic, "your not a diabetic, don't worry, have more sugar"!!
Autobrew Anon Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 599
Anyone that I have ever confided in over the years (which have been few) scoffed at the idea. But then thinking about it.... to admit I had a problem would have threatened their drinking problem too LOL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
when people (especially people who were our drinking buddies) think of 'alcoholic', they often think of the derelict living under a bridge slurping terrible booze from a brown paper bag, unable to function, to live life, to hold a job, to have a place to live, to hold down a relationship.......
But - a lot of times, they have this image because it helps they, themselves feel more secure that THEY don't have a drinking problem.
I remember meeting for dinner with a new colleague one time on a work trip. I ordered a big beer and asked him what he'd be having. He was a German, so I figured it was BEER ON time.... but he said "I gave up drinking... it's better that way for me".
I still recall how uncomfortable that made me. I just said something like "oh, yeah... I get that" and tried to move on - but being faced with a man who I'd already classed into the "This guy's gonna DRINK with me" category who surprised me with a statement that he'd stopped drinking because it was better for him - well that shook me.
I didn't harass him or question him about it - but I have had that happen to me and have seen it and even been guilty myself of peer-pressuring friends into drinking when they'd said they weren't going to....
Ultimately, I think my discomfort came down to the fact that my colleague's statement shone a bright spotlight onto ME.
That might be what's going on when others try to convince us we don't "have a problem"..... we're too much like them for them to acknowledge we do.
But - a lot of times, they have this image because it helps they, themselves feel more secure that THEY don't have a drinking problem.
I remember meeting for dinner with a new colleague one time on a work trip. I ordered a big beer and asked him what he'd be having. He was a German, so I figured it was BEER ON time.... but he said "I gave up drinking... it's better that way for me".
I still recall how uncomfortable that made me. I just said something like "oh, yeah... I get that" and tried to move on - but being faced with a man who I'd already classed into the "This guy's gonna DRINK with me" category who surprised me with a statement that he'd stopped drinking because it was better for him - well that shook me.
I didn't harass him or question him about it - but I have had that happen to me and have seen it and even been guilty myself of peer-pressuring friends into drinking when they'd said they weren't going to....
Ultimately, I think my discomfort came down to the fact that my colleague's statement shone a bright spotlight onto ME.
That might be what's going on when others try to convince us we don't "have a problem"..... we're too much like them for them to acknowledge we do.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
If I tell people I am an alcoholic, they often try to convince me that I am not.
If I tell people, I quit drinking because it was causing a specific problem, then they are supportive.
Now, I just need to educate them that those specific problems are symptoms of being an alcoholic. (Actually, I don't bother.)
If I tell people, I quit drinking because it was causing a specific problem, then they are supportive.
Now, I just need to educate them that those specific problems are symptoms of being an alcoholic. (Actually, I don't bother.)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I had another colleague in China who suddenly stopped drinking after being one of the heaviest drinkers I knew....
Because of the nature of doing business in China (always with the copious volumes of rice wine to accompany dinner) - he had to offer some reason for not drinking.
Rather than say anything specific.... he would pat his abdomen and say "My doctor has said that I must not drink alcohol due to a problem inside".
It seemed to work for him. Everyone just dropped it when he did that.
Because of the nature of doing business in China (always with the copious volumes of rice wine to accompany dinner) - he had to offer some reason for not drinking.
Rather than say anything specific.... he would pat his abdomen and say "My doctor has said that I must not drink alcohol due to a problem inside".
It seemed to work for him. Everyone just dropped it when he did that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
All the time I used to hear this ; fair enough none of them wanted the clown to stop coming out!
And in recovery! The only place that actually gave me the opportunity to be an alcoholic was AA. I tried to stop drinking lots of times through lots of different ways and every time I would say I think I am an alcoholic I would be told something like its a phase, you need to get more in your life, you are fine to drink moderately now you have done some abstinence, it's a bad habit, just stop drinking etc etc. I got sent to a social anxiety group by a psychologist and another one told me I should smoke pot instead?!
It's hard work to be an alcoholic, even other alcoholics don't want to be called alcoholics lol
Get some help, don't waste anymore time.
And in recovery! The only place that actually gave me the opportunity to be an alcoholic was AA. I tried to stop drinking lots of times through lots of different ways and every time I would say I think I am an alcoholic I would be told something like its a phase, you need to get more in your life, you are fine to drink moderately now you have done some abstinence, it's a bad habit, just stop drinking etc etc. I got sent to a social anxiety group by a psychologist and another one told me I should smoke pot instead?!
It's hard work to be an alcoholic, even other alcoholics don't want to be called alcoholics lol
Get some help, don't waste anymore time.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
My partner used to say that I just needed to cut back. But she didn't get that I couldn't.... Hell, I couldn't get that I couldn't. It's hard to conceptualize when you don't have that problem.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 170
Over the years of this topic coming up every so often, I have only one friend who agreed I probably have a drinking problem. My wife, family and other friends, although agree that I may go overboard once in a while, feel I certainly DO NOT have a drinking problem!! With my wife, she is a very "normal" drinker, but I guess she is just tolerant of the occasional drunken behavior, given all other aspects of my life are in check. My other family and friends are mostly heavy drinkers (i.e. My mom is 85yo and a two martini a night person). My theory on this is that 1. I am a functional, happy drunk. Worst that usually happens is I slur my words and blackout on portions of the night. 2. I think my saying that I have a drinking problem may force the people in my life to look at their own drinking and whether they have a problem. Bottom line is I know i have a problem, and thats all that matters!!
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Not directly but am told "you're not that bad" or they even drink with me, refusing to believe that I shouldn't be drinking at all. It's frustrating but I'm trying to accept that only I can get myself sober. What these people think is irrelevant.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,450
Originally Posted by Tamerua
My partner used to say that I just needed to cut back. But she didn't get that I couldn't.... Hell, I couldn't get that I couldn't. It's hard to conceptualize when you don't have that problem.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 526
before i realized i had a problem, people would tell me ... in passing. i was in denial. it was a joke to me.
now that i know i have a problem and i consider myself one, nobody ever tells me that. but labels are pointless. live in the solution.
now that i know i have a problem and i consider myself one, nobody ever tells me that. but labels are pointless. live in the solution.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Originally Posted by Tang
Same here with my spouse. Cut back is the problem. I don't want to once I start drinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 245
I know in my heart that I'm an alcoholic. My daughter and a couple of good friends also know that. my roommate, however, tells me that she knows for sure that I'm not, because her mother was, and I don't act like her mother. She drinks a lot, and for the first couple of months after we met and moved in together, she would even buy me wine and encourage me to drink. of course I took her up on it, but now I think she's starting to get it. My former partner/roommate, who even drove me to detox and picked me up, still insists that I "wasn't that bad". I think with him, it's as other people have said, and he feels like if I have a problem then he probably does also, and he doesn't want to.
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