kflee

I made it through first month with many ups and downs, but still able to handle myself.
What happened?...I know what it is, but never felt this before. It is sunny today in California, but looks like cloud is following me everywhere. I live on 17 acre farm. So I am walking around with hoodie pulled over my head, as I watch the burn pile. That is getting some agression out, but i am afraid I might kick the burn pile sand hurt myself. I tried to get on SR in middle of night, but instead almost threw computer in Jacuzzi. DUH..
I am hollow inside and feel nothing. Rushes of anger and anxiety come and go, then back to feeling like a hollow shell.
WOW that was lot of work to type this. I have no energy.gotta feed the goats, my horse and chickens. Im gonna lose it....
goats "maah" "maah"...and my guinea hen sounds like a hen on drugs. My ears are gonna explode.
It goes from this
to this
then to this

least

Treat yourself well and remember: this too shall pass.

reflection

Kflee, hang in there! I recently went through the looming cloud of PAWS doom and I'm happy to tell you, it does pass. Honestly, I was more down than I've ever been...listen to your body and what it needs (lots of rest and intermittent sobbing helped me) and take care of you.

Dee74

I found the ups and downs easier to handle when I thought of them as a natural effect of mind and body healing, rather than me going bonkers....

It will pass, this is transitory and you will find a new emotional equilibrium kflee

D

GypsyHeart

kflee
I've had a rough time this week too. Anger, blah, depressed, nothing going right, hating everything, thinking my life is doomed, meh, blah, bluck.

And to top it off I have had a headache for the past 3 days on and off. I never have headaches..???...It was bad today at work. But I got thru it and I'm home now. I'm blaming it on PAWS and trying to ride the tide. Hang in there!!!

kflee

Thanks gang. I have gotten few migraines last few days as well GypsyHeart.

"I found the ups and downs easier to handle when I thought of them as a natural effect of mind and body healing, rather than me going bonkers...."
I am doing that exact thing right now. Trying to look at these crazy emotions both physical and mental and know that they are for a reason. It is good to know that such a horrible feeling leads to an amazing life of sobriety.
BUT WOW....I am still a bit of a mess today. Up all night and still not tired. Empty, hollow, gloomy...but it will surpass and I will survive.

Pataphor

I think I have chronic p.a.w.s.....where is big pharma's pill for that? No thats what got me here, the quick self fix, be it cork, cap, or lit.

I have noticed....I'm gonna whisper here...as I stay sober it seems I'm more supported by positive energy and people around me...thank you day 31, let's try for another good day.

Soberella66

Hi Kflee,
I know where you're coming from. Thanks for the reminder and honesty. I wish there were more talk about PAWS like this, bc unfortunately it seems to be why many relapse in the early stages. Thanks again and I love your illustrative description with the emoticons.

colagirl

I couldn't possibly relate more to this post! For about the past 10 days I've been overreacting to everything from a joke my friend made to not being able to pass a level on Candy Crush Saga. I've almost destroyed my laptop numerous times too. Crying randomly, then euphoric, then crying again. I'm pretty sure people just assume I'm a crazy person, and I couldn't disagree!

TigerLili

I know how you feel. Everything feels overdone - too loud, too bright etc. I couldn't smile if my life depended on it.

SoberMama13

Walking this road alongside you bigtime. I had to laugh at the goats, they sound like my children. Were they always this loud? And the feelings.... The "simple" act of FEELING, for real....
Yes, PAWS. Grrrrr. Hugs.