Sean1980

Hi there

Maybe I'm just being lazy, but I'm not sure how to maximize the value of this site/community. I'm a sales executive in my early 30's who has had a history with drug use - heavy acid use in my late teens (cumulative 220 hits over 2 & a half years) which then tapered off to a manageable (but regular) use of alcohol/marijuana.

Because of my positive experiences with LSD & marijuana (outside of the anxiety it induced), I romanticized drug use for most of my life.

After my wife and I divorced due to an affair and a general intimate incompatibility, I think my guilt kind of pressed me to seek out something more effective at helping me ignore my self-loathing. I had a brief flirtation with coke when I was 18 that ceased mainly because of growing anxiety and affordability.

Now I've been doing coke every night for about a year (I started dabbling in Feb 2012, and it escalated after about a year to present frequency). I do roughly 1.25 grams each night. I've spent about $23,000 over the entire course of my use, but that doesn't matter because I make a lot of money. It hasn't affected my work performance because I am "the boss," so when I come in unshowered at noon nobody cares... They actually LIKE it because THEY can be late, too, and it's "ok" since that's what *I* do. I am a good salesman, so my superiors are largely oblivious to my gradual decline in performance. Some days I don't even go in. I'm also great at selling myself on the idea that I know I have to quit and I know it's bad for me, but one more night or week or month of coke use is ok because I'll just quit after THAT.

I see a substance abuse therapist; he sees it's out of control and getting worse. But I have no REAL incentive to quit. Money is no issue. My girlfriend already left me because of it (the woman in the affair), so I don't have a relationship to worry about. Yeah, it'll destroy my heart, my nose... but it hasn't YET; and I've become amazingly tolerant of bloody snot pools on the Kleenex in the morning. It's illegal and that could screw up my life or career... but I haven't been caught (again - YET).

Even this far into the addiction, it still makes me feel GOOD (until it's 10 hours later, it's time to go to bed for 3 hours of sleep, and I'm using my iPhone stopwatch to measure the pulse of my racing heart... only to do another line after it clocks in at less than 120 beats per minute which somehow gives me permission to keep going). The only reason I'm even on this site and typing is because I've been doing coke for 7 hours now and I just took a Narco... not to help me fall asleep, but because it feels GOOD. When I wake up tomorrow, I'm not going to feel like "recovering;" paradoxically, THAT motivation only takes place WHILE I'M ON IT.

So what is the REAL motivation for me? How do I TRULY break through to my brain and bypass the reward pathway? I have a head full of logic and reason, but that's worthless. It's like I'm watching myself in the third person, realizing I'm killing myself as this individual just keeps going and going. I still feel "ok" when I'm not on it and can function perfectly well, but I still want the good feeling... and it's become easier and easier to just DO IT without guilt or even justification anymore. I blew a black chunk of clot out of my nose when I was home visiting family over Christmas. 6 months ago that would have scared the living hell out of me. These days, it just means I have to use the other nostril for a while.

Anybody had a similar downward spiral who can share a tale of recovery?

Thanks!!!

least

Welcome to SR! I've had no experience with coke but want to welcome you to the family. We have a substance abuse forum too if you're interested.


Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Wastinglife

Hi Sean,
I am in my mid 30's too. I used to have a high flying career in finance. Not anymore. Every penny I earned I drank or snorted away. I ended up broke, unemployed, and evicted from my apartment by the age of 30. I did 35 days in rehab 2 years ago and have been in recovery since, trying to put my life back together.

Things will catch up to you if you continue on your destructive path. I promise you. You sound as though the coke isn't causing any problems in your career. I find that hard to believe. I was doing lines at work off the back of a toilet seat so I could get through the day, but my work was terrible and although no one at the office knew exactly what was going on with me, they knew something was off. I was miserable and that shows.

Get some help now while you still have a career to save!

Dee74

Hi and welcome Sean

I have no experience with coke but I know there are others here that will, and who'll tell you the stories of where they ended up.

I know a bit about addiction tho. It gets worse. It always does.
I can't count the number of people who wish they'd stopped years, even decades ago.

People who are happy with their drug use, or have no problems don't usually end up on sites like these.

Feed that part of you that can here looking for help. Feed that part of you is very worried despite the surface bravado....

feed that part of you that can't believe the hole you're digging...the holes get deeper and deeper, believe me.

Supports important - you'll find a lot of that here.


also check out our substance abuse forum.

Listen to some of the folks who've been where you are now with coke.
You have a chance to get out before the crash and burn stage, Sean.

D

Sean1980

least - thanks for the tip! Sorry, didn't realize there was a delineation between substances/alcohol

Wastinglife - also thanks for the feedback; I guess that's my predicament (and you'd probably all too familiar with this mentality): your story and COUNTLESS others ALL end up with the same ending: rock bottom. And I'm telling myself I'm so far away from that and I'll definitely quit before I get close... but I'm starting to realize there's not a "fall from grace." I have so regularly redefined "rock bottom" that I'll continue to "never hit it" until I lose my job, my health, my freedom (via incarceration), my worldly possessions... And like I said, I can sit here and tell you that and my brain realizes it to be true, but I don't ever do anything about it. I'm only so perfectly comfortable discussing it like this because I just did a few more lines before grabbing my iPad to respond.

So what's the trigger? How do I reconcile my logic brain with my instinct brain that I lost to cocaine over a year ago? Obviously I don't actually WANT to quit or I would. I just know I NEED to quit. That's not enough, though. It's kind of like smoking. I KNOW I'm almost certainly going to die of lung cancer. So I NEED to quit... SOMEday. Not today. I have all the time in the world left to quit.

It's frustrating to have knowledge of your certain destruction and in some weird, indescribable and personally incomprehensible way, be powerless to escape it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Again, thanks, and I'm sorry to hear it got to you, too. It used to be fun. I cannot BELIEVE what they said all along was so incredibly true.

sugarbear1

Have you been checked for any heart damage? When we do cocaine, we often do have mini strokes and other things happen but we don't know about it until we check for it. It's the nature of cocaine.

The progression of cocaine use will eventually catch up to ya. Maybe stop now and stay stopped?

Notimetoloose

Hey Sean, Welcome to SR. I am glad you are here.

I have a history of addiction and long continuous periods of recovery.

Yes, you are right, you need to quit....it sounds like you have been looking into resources for support
Have a look at the secular section of this site, RR, AVERT...

Have you thought about a couple of weeks in rehab, to break the cycle and the dance with coke, the ritual. Clear your head, clarity. Have you got a councilor?

Qualifying our redefinition of our broken boundaries and rock bottom is a weird ar..d denial trick our addictive voice plays on us.

Many people never get back up from rock bottom. No need to go there. Time to start taking back control now.

jdooner

Sean welcome. I can relate to parts of your post. I can also see the personal Hell that you are in right now too. There is not scare tactic or magical saying I can write to help snap you out of your addiction. You sound like your not ready yet but the fact you are here is so great. I truly hope you have your moment of clarity before its forced upon you.

I too fell in love with coke towards the end of my drinking career. I however, had never tried it until about 3 years ago. I had abused Ritalin for about 15 yrs though, so it was not so strange. The first few lines I thought, why had I been wasting my time with the poors mans version - this was so efficient just as vodka was to beer.

What I can tell you is this drug is so powerful that it is really impossible to see how you really are until you are sober looking back. You are much worse than you see yourself, trust me on this.

As an anecdote, I gave a big speech once when I was high. I had actually used the coke to bring me down from the booze, as I needed to sober up. I gave what I thought was the best speech of my life to a crowd of 500. I thought what I was saying was gospel and there should be a scribe to write down my every word. This was going in the history books. When I eventually sobered up, my colleagues told me my speech was a total bomb. I acted like a mad Mussolini talking down and yelling at people, not inspiring. My point is not to scare, its simply to share my experience of how cunning this particular drug that you struggle with is.

You seem fairly intelligent based on how well you have done in your career. You should pickup the book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Mador. You will learn more about your addictions. Its Non Fiction and you will see how the progression occurs - I won't spoil the book but I do suggest it.

Good luck, keep posting this site is so helpful for self awareness and support.

Blackhawkfan

I battled cocaine in an earlier phase of my life but somehow managed to walk away. Unfortunately my addiction to alcohol proved to be something much more difficult for me to handle.

The elevator ride down has different bottoms so no 2 situations are identical. I had a "high" bottom until recently and without question had my "ah ha" moment of rock bottom. Fortunately the consequences were not as bad as they could have been so i was lucky.

You are on this board for a reason so I suspect you know you have a problem. Better to address it head on now rather than wait. Risk of death is very high anytime you are snorting drugs. While you have not suffered severe consequences to date.....why take any more chances?

Lots of support and resources on this board. NA meetings can help. I'd also suggest you maybe detach from the current situation and evaluate an inpatient or outpatience program to help.

Best of luck. You can do it.

2bhappier

Sean,

I could have written what you said, "It's frustrating to have knowledge of your certain destruction and in some weird, indescribable and personally incomprehensible way, be powerless to escape it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

I am an alcoholic, never have tried coke. But I share your sentiment and wish you the best. Glad you are here.

AnvilheadII

so let's see - you went from dabbling to daily over the course of two years of your life. spent a lot of money for something that now CONTROLS you. it's so much FUN sometimes you forget to bathe before wandering in to work at noon - but that's ok, because now the other staff think it's ok to halfass it and screw off as well - which is not good for the company in the long run.

you aren't THAT good a salesman....and your superiors ARE aware, a lot more than you think. especially on those days where you don't even bother to show up. so that great job that makes you so much money? it's already on the line, quit fooling yourself.

your gf left you cuz of the coke.
your body is telling you it's time to STOP. watching the stop watch til your heartrate comes back down SO YOU CAN DO SOME MORE is insane.

all you are left with is the lies addiction tells. that it's not that bad, that the bleeding and anxiety and the racing heart aren't that bad....that this actually feels good. like hell it does. get honest for a second.....it doesn't feel good, you are just under the control of a very powerful drug that will tell you anything. you're full blown addicted which means the only "normal" state now is using....and it will take you down and take you down hard.

it's good you reached out. maybe try to come back NOT high and talk some more.

zerothehero

You admitted you're killing yourself. That's a start.

I was late night, more like early morning, fiending with a friend, and he had a sudden case of extreme nasal/sinus pain despite being coked to the gills. My response at the time was, "I guess you'll just have to start smoking it or shooting up."

Much to my horror he took my advice. Soon, and because he was having difficulty falling asleep due to his daily habit, he took up heroin as a chaser. This would allow him to get some sleep. And so it went...

Eventually, the heroin took over and he lost the taste for coke. He's been a junky for 20 years now. I lost touch with him, and so has everyone else I still know who knew him. I'm not sure if he's alive or dead.

Hope this helps.

Sean1980

I genuinely appreciate everyone's input and support (except maybe that of AnvilHeadII, whose brash tone was just more derisive than anything... Almost malicious and not in the "tough-love" kind of way).

What I am doing to TRY quitting is setting up a structured environment, almost a "reinvention" of my life, to not only provide distraction but also to redirect the apathy, anhedonia, and lack of motivation that I know will come when I get the strength for that final push away from the drug. I'm reminded of the last line in "Bright Lights, Big City" when the coke abuse finishes its staggering crescendo: "You will have to learn everything all over again." Maybe that's true...

I told the substance abuse counselor today that, if I haven't kicked it "on my own" by the end of January, I would like him to perform a chemical assessment so I can enroll in a local outpatient rehab program (6-month) as added incentive or support to stop using it. Additionally, I'm taking a 2-week vacation to visit a non-using friend in San Francisco where I will not have access to the drug (no connections). I started actively using an online dating site to get back in the game so I can stop obsessing over the love of my life who I lost to coke. And, of course, I'm using this board to rattle off thoughts and receive your generous and thoughtful feedback and stories.

Yes, I was coked up when I joined just now and when I posted my story and read your feedback; but I wasn't coked up the following day when all of your words lingered in my head and contributed to the inner force I need to conquer it... And it wasn't just the advice or the comfort of reading about those who have experienced the same situation to the most exact detail, it was the understanding that there are people out there who don't know me, who read my words and compassionately dedicate their own time to write a message to ME... People who really CARE. That isn't to say I don't have people in my more immediate life who support and care about me (parents, friends, physicians), but to think that absolute strangers have an interest in helping to save some they don't know... that speaks to the human spirit in a way I've never experienced. THAT is the revelation I took away already.

So thanks again to all of you who already posted. I'm going to continue using this network to get to recovery, get through it, and then afterward maybe I can be one of those people who helps someone else who is spiraling out of control.

Tang

Cocaine was my favorite. Thankfully I stopped years ago. Unfortunately I switched to alcohol. Just read these boards of how many lives have been crushed by drug/alcohol abuse. I'm lucky I haven't lost my good paying job, but what it sounds like your behavior will catch up with you. Don't assume your performance is sustainable at work, nor your health.

Sean1980

Agreed - this is perhaps the LEAST sustainable drug I've ever meddled with. I am 100% certain it is going to end very tragically for me if I don't quit, but I'm still not quitting. That's why I'm here... Maybe an inspiring story or a successful technique will surface and help me. Even if it doesn't, it's a better use of my time than watching Netflix movies while I plow through a new 8-ball.

My therapist said today that people like me, the over thinkers, have an especially tough time because they're always looking to make sense of it in the way I just mentioned above... but that it will NEVER make sense. At least not completely. Still need to think on that and internalize it... I'm trying to build a wall between me and the coke. It just feels like it's gonna take a hell of a lot of bricks and I'm a little nervous I won't finish it time to save myself from the undeniable impending doom. I'm the kinda guy who has always set goals and strived toward them relentlessly until I achieved them. And here, I'm practically too helpless to even set the goal in the first place. It's dehumanizing.

But that's not yo say I have a "woe is me, I'm a slave to my addiction" mentality and plan to simply throw in the towel. I have hope, and I KNOW I can do it. It's just that, until now, I thought I could do it on my own... that's not working. I'll explore every option until I stop, even if that involves the (in MY mind) worst-case scenario of "in-patient" rehab. And even that might not work, but I have to keep trying to find SOME solution... and remain hopeful each time that THIS is the "thing" (rehab, hospitalization, whatever) that will push me back over the hump.

zerothehero

Trying is the best thing. Please don't give up.

About "over-thinkers": My wife quit weed and alcohol seven years ago. Our dog got sick and we spent thousands to save her (she's still kicking), and she just decided she needed to be sober in case she had to drive her to the hospital again (several hours away). She also figured all the money spent on intoxicants was needed for the dog. Seven years later and she hasn't touched a drink.

Yesterday, she saw the pile of recovery books that landed on the porch from Amazon and commented that I do things so differently than her. She says I need to understand; that I'm so cerebral about everything. She says she just quit and after a few weeks never wanted to go back. Maybe it really is that simple for her - but there are signs she never really recovered. It took her until a couple of months ago to seek counseling, not for substance abuse, but for the roots of the problem. Her angle was deal with the substance abuse, period. Years later when she realized her social anxiety and PTSD needed to be addressed, she did.

I, on the other hand, feel like I'm not going to get a handle on the substance abuse unless I address the roots up front. I'm working on myself, facing my other addictions, anxiety, and mild OCD, reading a lot, meditating, and planning a Buddhist retreat for a week to reconnect with my source. I turned down a good job opportunity, feeling like I didn't want the aggravation (it would have been a very challenging leadership position in a dysfunctional institution). My wife encouraged me to blow it off and focus on myself.

Point is, we all take our own path. Let's face it, our addictions of choice feel good and take us away from the **** we would rather avoid. I'm early in my recovery, and right now the main thing I'm mourning is that I've had a lot of fun drinking I.P.A. and tripping out, and it never caused me serious trouble. Luckily, powders scared me (near death freebase at high altitude and a couple friends leaving the planet were early warnings) and I really only did them when offered, and I quit all that decades ago. I was careful and surprisingly responsible given my lifestyle. I'm a middle stage alcoholic, and I could feel late stage scratching at the door. My health and my love for my wife and others, and even me, led me to say, "Whoa, Nelly! Stop or die, yo!"

So I say, take everything you hear with a grain of salt. Some in the recovery world are extremely dogmatic, and they will want to call you on your bull ****. Everyone either recovers or dies in their own way. What works for you works for you. When you're ready you'll be ready.

It sounds to me, though, like you're ready. Coke is your lover and she feels good. No shame in that. But not all relationships are good for us. You've recognized the need to walk away, and you're plotting your escape. You are strong and you are intelligent. You'll get there.

Sean1980

Hi ZeroTheHero

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback! You seem to have a unique (and sound) viewpoint on the topic of substance abuse, so I'm curious what your thoughts are regarding whether it is absolutely necessary that an "addict" discontinue use ALL intoxicants despite a singular focus (in my case, cocaine); or whether you feel that success is still relatively attainable even if one continues using other substances (say, pot... or alcohol).

I'm well aware that the prevailing opinion is that of the former (abstinence from ALL drugs), and it certainly makes logical sense in the case of alcohol (yep - it only takes 2 drinks before all that effort I'd invested in consciously avoiding cocaine disappears in a New York minute). However, your mention of pot reminded me of its interplay with the coke problem. Specifically, I've found weed is my "anti-coke." After I smoke it, I lose ALL desire for cocaine. Every time. Of course, my "addicted brain" has accounted for this and course-corrected by avoiding pot altogether because it KNOWS it would rather do cocaine and doesn't want to jeopardize the possibility of foregoing its use. But at least I know it's there and has that effect on me, and I wonder how I might factor that in to my recovery.

Here's the rub... Pot makes me so anxious I have to drink my usual six beers prior to properly create the mind-scape necessary to embrace/enjoy the high. This is actually the reason I started drinking in the first place. I so missed the calm, cerebral abandon I once felt for pot that I engineered a specific regiment of substance intake in order to accommodate it. Most likely, the majority of these fond associations were more the result of situational elements (I was a high school kid without real obligation or responsibility) and I'm chasing a moment in time rather than the high provided by the drug... But that's another topic altogether.

After many years of drug abuse, it seems to me there are really two groups: "good drugs" and "bad drugs" (and the "good" ones probably shouldn't even bear the emotionally-charged designation as "drugs." The bad are coke & heroin/opiates... They share the same concept: a strong drive toward euphoria for euphoria's sake. The good ones would largely include psychedelics... Non-addictive, potentially "mind-expanding," and less physically destructive. Then, of course, there's alcohol floating around between the two (leaning heavily toward the "bad" camp).

For the 11 years preceding the downward spiral into cocaine, I drank regularly (though the amount was always fixed... Not by force, but by desire to naturally stop at 6 beers per night). I would finish it off with a hit or two of pot 2 or 3 nights a week, and that would effectively end the drug intake for the evening. So my point, I guess, is that in a PERFECT world, THAT is the routine to which I'd like to return. During that 11 years, I felt good, exercised, worked through promotions at breakneck speed... in other words, it didn't weigh heavy on my life.

I think most people would balk at that as a recovery goal for a cocaine addict... but that's what I want. Since high school, sobriety has been painfully dull, and it's not a state of mind I desire... I'm reminded of the quote from Samuel Coleridge Taylor: "I feel sorry for a man who doesn't drink. When he wakes up in the morning, that's the best he'll feel all day."

Anyway, thought I'd solicit a little additional feedback from you. But thanks again for what you provided already! Take care.

Dee74

How much experience of sobriety have you had to to dismiss it as unbearably dull, Sean?

To me 'unbearably dull' describes where I ended up on drugs & booze, not where I am now
D

Sean1980

Well, I wouldn't say "unbearably" dull. Just "painfully." I detest boredom, drugs were a quick and easy solution.

That being said, I agree with you for the most part... largely because, with cocaine at least, I lost all semblance of self-control and, hence, moderation. So coke is pretty much the same old thing, day in and day out, the new "normal" (which is ostensibly no different than the old normal).

I still get a boost of energy and perceived "happiness" when I do coke, though. Maybe it's because my brain has so heavily up-regulated my dopamine receptors that using it only feels great in comparison to the physiological depression I've manufactured for myself. Nevertheless, it has the same effect - a strong, undeniable desire to take an easy way out of said depression. Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But that's why I'm here, so I'm eager to let the healing begin!

Notimetoloose

Dear Mr Samuel Coleridge Taylor got that one ar.. up didn't he.
As a drinker waking up was a nightmare some mornings.