Vandermast

hey man

I also used heaps of lsd, intravenous amphetamines, smoked ice, loved weed and painkillers, and am an alcoholic.

therefore i do not use anything, and I mean anything, and I frequent sr and aa/na

hope you find what works for you.

we are here for you, so lean into us.

namaste

v

Sean1980

Hello all!

Today was a "therapist day." Relayed a lot of the advice (and my feelings/interpretation thereof) so kindly offered by all of you. He agreed with my thoughts on it and is glad I'm remaining active in my communication. He was particularly encouraged by the emotional support and genuine caring I feel, especially due to my complete (and lifelong) lack of religion, faith, and spirituality - an element that tends to feature heavily in "treatment" settings.

Some input that was interesting to me involved his take on the "over-thinking" element I brought up in an earlier post. I asked him what he thought of it - he immediately answered, "Oh, I think that's a coping mechanism. Even though you're incredibly aware of what you're doing to yourself, your health... that you readily admit this will end poorly; I think that's just a way of you to justify your continued use. You feel safe and secure knowing that you're not one of 'those' people in denial. You're not 'deluded like they are.' But it doesn't stop you from using it. It just helps you cope."

I brought up some of the feedback I received from a few people wondering if he was a good therapist, especially since my usage hasn't really decreased at all. He thought that was a fair question and also one he struggles with in cases like mine. He said some schools of thought would advocate severing our ties until I'm more "serious" about quitting. He feels like we've made progress and doesn't necessarily subscribe to the Tough Love approach, but agrees that if, six months from now, I'm in the same spot; he'll have to concede that maybe he's not the best resource for me (not "giving up on me," per se).

Then he showed me some MRI brain scans from longterm abuse of various recreational drugs. They showed "holes" in the brain... not REAL holes, but dark areas of the brain where normal functioning has ceased since the brain no longer has use for it in the wake of a chemical supplement. It was scary... Alcohol was the grizzliest, of course; but even pot demonstrated areas of affect. The images still stick with me...

Anyway, tomorrow begins my "retreat" to San Francisco. 2 weeks from now, I'll have a better understanding of how powerful my addiction is and whether I can conquer it of my own accord (vs treatment). I am not at all opposed to treatment - I don't think it's beneath me or scary... but, admittedly, if I can beat this thing without it, that'd be ideal.

Haennie - thanks, again, for the input/advice. I agree with you, and, as such, I hope to continue seeing a therapist after shedding the drug abuse. I want to understand the elements of my life that the obsessive behavior influences, even beyond drugs. I think I've just lived with a lot of these things all my life as mere attributes of the world I'd decided was unequivocally "right" over all others... Another component of the self-centered reality that helped make drug abuse seem so carefree and inconsequential in the first place. I have WAY more "healing" to do beyond cocaine and alcohol. Your words confirm that, so thank you for sharing and helping me reaffirm I'm not alone in that thought process.

CaliButterfly - no, I haven't embraced or even really ATTEMPTED sobriety as you described. I'm a little scared to take it that far. Mainly from sheer boredom... though I've noticed there is a HUGE recurring theme on this board: everyone who gives up all intoxicants, they all look back on their lives and say it wasn't worth it, and that sober life IS enjoyable. So maybe I'm still a little deluded. Coke is pretty obvious in its damage... more immediate. The others at least have a stronger case for peaceful coexistence (whether true or not). I see what your saying. I want to go to that place. Not sure how soon it will be. Thank you thoughts on the subject... It helps a lot to read it in someone else's words.

CaliButterfly

Sean, my heart goes out to you. With your posts, I get a strong sense of constant mental assessments in everything you encounter. An almost (or maybe completely) obsessive need to understand every angle, every nuance to make sure you completely grasp what is presented to you. Any quiet time is viewed as boredom because your mind doesn't have something to focus on and wouldn't know what to do with itself if your addiction needed to be purged. As much as you understand the devastating effects of prolonged coke use (or any other mind-altering substance), is it safe to say that the fear of giving it up stems from not knowing what to replace it with? Hard to imagine a life of sobriety when the thing you enjoy most is gone, with nothing to balance out that loss. In that respect, I am going through that analysis in my head, and I have to tell you, it's harder than hell, and I'm not high-energy like you. I do analyze everything to death, project my future based on the choices I could make, and still do things I know are self-destructive. Why? Because emotions and pleasure FAR outweigh logical rationalization and knowledge. Feelings trump logic every time. Your S.F. trip should give you the confirmation I think you already know in your gut so you can proceed accordingly. As a sidenote, I don't know how often you have been there, but I lived in that area for the first 30 years of my life and it is a great place for distraction. If you get a chance, take the ferry from the Pier to Sausalito or Tiburon. It's very relaxing if you like boat rides and there's fun things to do and see when you get there. Your friend will have all kinds of great places to take you, I'm sure... Best of luck and enjoy your time away. And if you feel so inclined or need support, say hello either while you're there or when you get back.

zerothehero

Try the tea garden in Golden Gate park. There's a big buddha there.

I've decided sobriety is my new high. It is definitely interesting. I sense things differently. I perceive things differently both physically through my senses and psychologically through my perspective. I never know if I'm going to feel great or find myself fighting off a panic attack. Some nights I sleep well and dream intensely, and others I toss and turn.

I've started practicing (in a rudimentary way) Kapala. Check this out: http://taramandala.org/wp-content/up...ner-Script.pdf

I read it a couple of times and then tried it solo. Meditations are an adventure, and with the right prompt, sitting need not be boring. This exercise produced horrific imagery, and helped me personify some of the issues that have been dogging me since traumas I endured in childhood - death, abuse...

Now I can name those demons, befriend them, nurture them, tame them. This is serious adventure and hard work rivaled only by my most intense acid trips. And make no mistake, an intense acid trip is hard work. Richard Alpert/Ram Dass wrote about this decades ago - the transition from mind expansion via drugs to via meditation.

I have to look at it this way. I can't let myself believe that I'll be bored just because I'm sober. My mom used to tell me if I'm bored, it's just because I'm not using my imagination. Do something, draw something, write something, go kick a ball or torture insects or make a fort or dig a hole. Drinking and drugging was fun and interesting, but it rarely inspired me to produce much of anything, and the day after I was even more useless.

My mom would tell me that fear of boredom is no excuse for not getting clean and sober, and she was addicted to alcohol and pain killers. Unfortunately, she got clean and sober (except for cigarettes and caffeine) only to die from an aneurism two years later. She was only five years older than I am now.

But it' ain't my time to die: Bloom Heavy River Romp 2012 Ain't My Time To Die - YouTube

Dan Dare

I did a lot coke years ago. I never let it overtake me, somehow.
However, my best friend died in my arms from what I learned later to be "acute cocaine intoxication" when we were both in our twenties. I miss him terribly.
Alas, I am sorry, but that is too painful for me to discuss any further...

The one sentence that struck me in your first post was "I have no incentive to quit".
Get some incentive soon friend.
Nothing good EVER prevails with stuff like that, or any of these vices.
Take a new road, do whatever you can to find a way.

Peace
D.D.

Aellyce

Sean (and all the other over-thinkers on this thread )

Yes I completely agree that you may need to address much older and deeper issues than your drug use if you decide to commit to recovery at some point. I think it would be an interesting and fun expedition for you to work through your psyche since analysis seems to come so easily and effortlessly to you. There is a very important point though (in my opinion at least) related to this: analysis, understanding, and knowledge may seem like the most natural and useful thing, but it only helps you to change when it's coupled with action.

This is my personal greatest challenge: the "doing" part. See, you are going to therapy and I'm sure you find it interesting and enlightening (just like you seem to enjoy the responses on this thread). But you don't really use it in an active way at the moment and plan to make changes in the future, maybe... if you finally become convinced in an intellectual way that it's necessary. This is good, you have plans - I just would like to remind you to try and stick with the implementation of them also.

For me, one of the most important lessons I've learned about myself, my personality and thinking style is that I tend to overanalyze everything out of fear and anxiety. Always feel that I need to understand something completely before I can take action to deal with it, using any and every resource of information and knowledge possible. And I honestly enjoy all this research. But a side effect is that it tends to manifest in procrastination of action and delays true solutions to problems (despite of the fact that I am actually a very good problem solver, when I do it actively).

When I was younger I never understood why I had this tendency, it had become clear later with the help of studying psychology and neuroscience. For me it's anxiety, lack of self-confidence, and insecurities that tend to hold me back from action, plus my far too exaggerated love of the mental world. So one thing I have been pushing myself into in recent years is trying to NOT wait until I subjectively feel I'm ready and know enough. I even seek out others to give me the external push when I feel I'm failing or am too afraid. This approach has been very helpful to me, almost each time I do something despite of my subjective perceptions and feelings suggesting I'm not ready yet or need more knowledge to be able to do it, I find out in the end that I was perfectly competent and ready to go ahead with it. Thinking back, I really did not need extra information and more "analysis paralysis". Don't know if this is relevant to your situation, just sharing in case you find something useful in it.

Enjoy your trip to SF, it's a great city, I would consider moving there for a while if I have not moved around so much already in my life, now quite happy in New York.

Charlie117926

Hey Sean:

I had a coke addiction for 14 years. I was exactly like you. Money was no issue at the time, I was young so health was not the issue. Now after the 14 years, I have a huge hole in my nose. Every time I go to get a physical, they constantly remind me of this. I now have to sleep with a CPAP machine because of sleep apnea, which is brought on in part by the missing lining in my nose. Now that I am in my 40's, I get angry of all of the money I wasted. There are so many things I could do with that money if I had non blown it up my nose. For one, I could have a better life for my children (stopped using after my 2nd child was born) in that that money saved could have went in bettering there daily living.

At some point it gets out of control. I have blown over $200,000 over a 14 year period. It started out as fun with buddies, but toward the end I was doing it all myself on the back of the toilet at work, when I woke up. Heck at one point I was getting up in the middle of the night and doing a line and going back to sleep. WTF? I ended up in the emergency room a couple of times due to chest pains. What's the first question they asked me? You already know the answer. Like I said, it was a blast at first, but isn't everything? Walk away as soon as you can. I was never caught, I have never been to jail but have had many friends that have. These were not bums, these were successful friends of mine. But if I had been it would of ruined my career, cash flow and marriage. I could go on and on with the problems that coke and alcohol have caused me. fortunately, for some reason I was able to walk away from using coke. I think I was too tired and wore out to keep doing it. Choose the right path Sean and get out why you can my friend

Oldselfagain

Haennie in business we call this paralysis by analysis

Aellyce

Haha, so I reinvented the wheel

And in neuroscience, we call the cause of this anxiety.

Oldselfagain

That's ok, I reinvent the wheel everyday and think I've come up with a "killer insight". Lol

Sean1980

Hey gang...

Well, it looks like it's gonna be treatment for me, after all. I was fine when I first arrived - met up with my buddy, had a few beers and smoked some weed. It was like I immediately sunk right back into happier "old times."

Next day was even better - had a weird surreal feeling like my life was already returning. Nose was running like a motherf*cker, but I imagine that's the nasal mucosa's way of gently telling you it needs a little healing time since I'd turned it into scabby beef jerky over the past few years. I was even compelled to go for a RUN! It felt good to be active again.

Quick side note - I'm 5'10" & small-framed... I got up to 220 lbs when I was 20, then worked it down to 150 through diet & exercise by 22. I started eating whatever the hell I wanted, but my unbreakable dedication to exercise - 5 miles a day, 6 days a week, for 10 years even in -10 degree (F) weather - allowed a natural (and, to me, acceptable) plateau of 160 lbs. I wouldn't miss that run for ANYTHING... to the point where my friends would get pissed when I'd ditch a happy hour if I hadn't run for the day. Cocaine, the Great Demotivator, brought with it the final coffin nail to my exercise streak on 4/24/13. I've since gone back up to 200 lbs., possibly making me the only cocaine weight-GAINER in the Western world.

So, back to San Fran... Four nights pass... No craving or depression. Starting to get a LITTLE of myself back, though I find I'm overly... effusive along the way. Mon night I'm having a cigarette outside of the Buena Vista after MANY drinks (and, recently, 2 strong Irish coffees) with a broker friend. A cab driver asks if we need a ride somewhere, a friendly well-spoken gent. We say no, he asks if we're sure... "No massage with happy ending? At end they ask you if you want 'sucky sucky' or 'f*cky f*cky.'" We laugh, and I say... as if by INSTINCT... "No, we could go for some drugs, though." He responds, softer, "Ohhh! You want coke?!"

Then it's 7am and I'm sneaking into the hotel room full of sniffly anxiety, eager to take a dump but scared to wake my roommate... an older account manager who reports to me (and with whom I have a very strong friendship; but who has lived his life drug free beyond alcohol... so I've not confided in him not due to trust, but because I think he'd seriously have trouble comprehending it). I go in the bathroom to take a coke-induced dump and shakily break apart a Xanax and wash it down. After crawling into bed, I FaceBook stalk my ex-girlfriend again using a buddy's log-in. Not finding anything horrific (which I think I'm almost HOPING for when I'm coked up... it's stirs such deep, although painful, emotions and I can FEEL again which goes really well with the good-mood-trumps-all effect of the cocaine binge... it's almost my version of a "speedball," I guess), I doze off in pretty short order.

I slept in until 10am the next day feeling hungover and physically spent. My nose had already reverted to beef jerky mode and that familiar white crust of snot and coke dribble uncomfortably adhered to my nostrils. I didn't feel guilty. I still don't. I don't feel like I let myself or anyone else down. I'm back at my buddy's typing this up from bed & doing more coke... last time I was here, we had a very hard & open communication (which is rare for this friend - he is shy & incredibly polite to a fault; he avoids saying things, however necessary, if he thinks it might hurt your feelings). He'd had too much, that time - that I made him drive me to pick it up even though he'd expressly insisted against it, that I bought a large amount with intentions of leaving it as his house & he felt very uncomfortable with that, and so on. I apologized, spent the rest of the night doing coke, and told him he could throw the rest away after I left. Before he saw what coke was doing to me, he was completely ok with it - didn't UNDERSTAND, per se; but was content with me doing my coke & him smoking his weed. That's changed...

So I'm just lying, in a way. Doing it secretly, thanking my recent cold for providing an excuse on the runny nose, and hoping he doesn't notice that my mood is a little... TOO good. We're supposed to be up at 9am for our trip to the redwoods tomorrow. I won't have trouble getting up and doing it, but it will be sluggish and probably a little painful. I'm also starting to see the delusional self-perception that everyone keeps mentioning... Like, I feel so in control still when I'm not doing coke, but Mike told me I've been short and that it feels like I don't care what he has to say... And my CUSTOMER, at a business dinner on Sunday (pre-coke, mind you) told one of my account managers that I spoke of their company in a negative light and was being very inappropriate (I had her laughing and nodding and completely engaged... But definitely OBLIVIOUS to the nuances). I can't ignore the feedback... it's a trend that clearly illustrates some of the personal/emotional changes.

I had already scheduled my next therapist appointment for the day I returned ("just in case"). I told him if I used it or FELT like it, even, we would use that session to conduct the formal Chemical Assessment required by most treatment centers. So... I guess I don't have an option (unless I want to keep using it). I plan on using a local outpatient plan for now (I think it's 6 months). I'll be honest - I'm not "scared" to do it or feel like I'm above it, but I think my staunch agnosticism (borderline atheism) is going to make it a little tougher. Pretty much EVERY treatment facility in the COUNTRY uses SOME faith to help deceptively ween people off their real-life drug in exchange for a fairy tale "higher power," and those who claim they don't generally engage in at least some form of spirituality. But, what's most important, still, are the people like you who CARE. They'll be there, and maybe I'll get a chance to help someone who needs it as well.

CaliButterfly- you pretty much hit the nail on the head, I think, with the "obsessive" bit (especially in your example of how it interferes with life). I've often mentioned obsession's role in my substance abuse, but now that I understand how it can be a destructive factor (in addition to a constructive one), I'm too f*ckin' messed up to view it in isolation and properly harness it. Quiet time IS (and will quite conceivably REMAIN) very boring to me. I don't know that COKE is the thing I think will be the answer, but substance abuse seems hard wired into my psyche. Have you ever thought of taking prescribed pharmaceuticals for OCD tendencies? Has anyone here? I've thought SSRI's to be a zombie-creating form of weakness, but I just don't know anymore. Thanks, CaliButterfly!

ZeroTheHero- you're a few steps (or STRIDES) ahead of me on inner-peace. You have a lot of links to songs, so give this one a try if you get a sec...
"youtu.be/2aeOBZ7gVPY"

Haennie- yup, most certainly, 100% relevant to my situation. Anxiety has fueled my life in many ways... perhaps not always to the point of a crippling panic attack, but its existence is manifest. As an example, my mom gave me the BEST Christmases (tons go awesome presents... Likely from a desire to live vicariously through me having been denied this pleasure her whole life due to my Grandma's Jehovah Witness lifestyle). I would get SO excited... and end up vomiting. Six years straight or so... but also from birthdays, Easter, and any other materialistic celebration that brought with them intense anticipatory excitement. As with obsession, anxiety can also have positive effects (beyond "fight or flight"). They are far too prevalent in the human collective to be actual "diseases." They are evolutionary adaptations that have met unexpected interaction with a culture and technological environment which evolved at an insanely fast pace. I need to figure out what that all means for ME, though... Thanks for the insight! Another perspective I can add to my master recovery plan. I expect this plan to be very useful once I am able or willing, as you say, to get to the "doing" part.

Charlie117926- ok, have a few questions for you:
1. How long before you had a perforation?
2. Any damage besides that (and the CPAP necessity)?
3. How long into the 14 years before you started doing it daily (assuming you did)?
4. As you progressed to higher consumption, did you reach a plateau (e.g. 2g/day)?
5. If it was f*cking up your nose, why didn't you ever switch to, say, smoking it?
6. Why did it take the 2nd child to make you quit & not the 1st?
7. Was the child the REAL, TRUE reason you quit?
8. Do you feel fully recovered physically/mentally (less the perforation)?
9. Do you still crave it, ever?
10. Do you still allow yourself other substances (alcohol, etc)?

Sorry for the laundry list - it's just that your post felt like Christmas Future somehow. It's "funny," because I do the middle-of-the-night "WTF" line... I think I do it because, if the coke has wore off, I have too much anxiety to sleep. If I do a line, sometimes I feel good enough to hit the slumber sweet spot. My mom revealed to me (after I told her of my problem), that she was addicted for about 2 years while I was 11-12. I never knew because she ALWAYS kept it away from the kids... but I guess it was to the point where she wouldn't vacuum the floor in case there was some coke spilled in it. SHE would also do a midnight line... but a baby one to ease the congestion. That's why she switched to smoking. She quit when she woke up one night and went to the bathroom. She was covered with blood all over and she didn't know why. She stared at that image in the mirror and finally said to the reflection, "You had enough, yet?" She stopped doing any drug after that... Which was about 15 years ago.

And in regards to the final question, I'm really curious about the general consensus there. I mentioned that I want to go to treatment, but my therapist said we will probably have a tough time finding the right one that's "cool" with me trying to quit coke but still using alcohol/weed during the recovery.

Thanks for sharing with me; and, once again, thank you ALL for your support & input. I sincerely hope you don't find my "relapse" indicative of outright dismissal of the great stories and advice you share.

Sean

Dee74

I think it will be tough, yeah.

Most people will tell you our addiction probably won't mind that much if we switch the fuel up - we'll still end up at the same place anyway.

it's kinda like stopping playing on the freeway to go play on the train tracks.

I do get it - I was scared of being straight, I'd never been straight as an adult...I spoent thirty 30 years running from reality using whatever was at hand at the time.....but I really don't think you'd find complete sobriety as 'painfully dull' as you've convinced yourself it is.

You'd certainly find out a lot more about life, about living, about other people...and about yourself Sean.

I really hope you decide to give it a go - if you're going this far to be free, why not go the whole way and be really free?

D

Sean1980

Hey Dee!

Thanks for the quick response to a very important question (to me).

I "get" what you're saying... and that substance abuse is just that - abuse - regardless of the substance itself. The thing for me is (and I promise I've looked at this carefully with a clean mind) I can (or maybe COULD) do the booze/weed combo in moderation. I really enjoyed it; neither ever interfered with my work or relationships (based on testimonials from the involved parties). Coke came along and f*cked all that up. I know for sure I will HAVE to stop drinking (at least temporarily) to successfully break the chains of coke (the reduced inhibition has proven detrimental, at least in the short run.

But I DO want to return to the life that made me happy. I guess I'm not sure why even a substance abuse counselor would deny that as a worthy goal so long as the individual can truly moderate again; and, believe me , I know that's gotta be rare... I KNOW I will NEVER be a "casual" coke user; not even just one line after I quit. I'd be right back after it.

This is where I think society would benefit from using the word "drugs" to lump it ALL together. I still very strongly believe in the social and emotional value of psychedelic drugs (marijuana, LSD, MDMA)... the "Big Boy" drugs are altogether different, though. These are the ones of strong addiction... Alcohol, Cocaine, and Opium. I know it's a clichéd delineation referenced by every 15-year-old kid whose parents just grounded him for a week after they caught him smoking pot; but I still believe it to be true. The Colorado/Washington experiment will reveal more in time.

Now, where I DO see (or... "feel," maybe?) your point is when I'm reminded of something I asked my dad. He, like me, enjoys alcohol and is very gregarious when buzzed (also like me). But he usually only drinks on the weekends. The part that worries me is that, on 40-100 nights per year I DON'T drink, it's because I've made a CONSCIOUS DECISION not to. I'm not drinking ON PURPOSE. I asked my dad his feelings on drinking/non-drinking and he said, on nights he doesn't drink, the thought just never enters his mind... I don't know if that will ever be me, and it kinda sucks.

Aellyce

Hello Sean,

Good that you came back to SR and this thread. Just briefly now because I've got some work to do. You admit to having problems with anxiety, and of course the addiction fuels it further. You know that anxiety has been linked to the kind of obsessive analytical thinking that you seem to have (and I also tend to have myself)? There are many interesting scientific studies on this...

Now, we all would prefer to have a bit more mental peace, but at the same time keep looking for stimulation (and what could be a better chemical stimulant than coke?). I really believe that you would benefit a lot from focusing on eliminating the extra stimulants and developing a more peaceful brain and mind, I think you would perceive that as happiness far more than the constant overstimulation.

Here is a recent experience of mine. I quit alcohol 18 days ago, and during the past several days I can't stop being amazed at the change in the context of anxiety and over-analyzing, over-thinking. I have not felt this way since I don't even recall when. I got so used to the constant anxiety over the years that I could function through it pretty well, but for sure I wasn't happy and everyone always commented on my being hyper and overthinking everything - I thought I liked to be that way, but now I am experiencing something different. I feel like *this* drastic reduction in my anxiety level (only after 18 days!) is my biggest inspiration to not go back to drinking, despite of still struggling with cravings sometimes, having mood swings etc. But whenever they hit, I remind myself of the contrast pre/post-drinking in terms of the anxiety level, and immediately think NO WAY I will go back to alcohol. Of course I cannot know whether my sobriety will last... how long it will last... but right now this new found peace gives me very strong motivation to stay quit despite of the fact I did like drinking in the past a lot. Now I can focus my mind effectively on worthwhile goals - for me this beats any artificial high by far, right now. I think you could experience the same if you ventured into that treatment and stuck with it seriously.

I really suggest to give it a try, it's true what so many of these people on SR say!

Sean1980

Thanks, Haennie.

Tell me, why did you want to quit using alcohol in the first place? It sounds like the anxiety component was a revelation that came after the fact. So... Had you lost control or drinking massive quantities? Just curious what gave you the "nerve" to quit.

I believe in what you say... kind of. If there's one thing that comes across clearly in your posts, it's that.you've created/entered into a state of mind that is free of substance slavery. But I'm not sure that will work for everybody. Cynics like me (or, as I like to call them: "disappointed optimists") may not know how to embrace that reality. I enjoy alcohol a bit too much, but in frequency, not quantity. I still drink the same 6 Natty Ices per evening as usual, no hangover, pleasant buzz, cheap...

Well, thanks again! Great synopsis!

Needsupport3

I feel the exact same as you, i know i have to quit alcohol but i don't want to !!!! But its only ourselves that can make that decision , choose life or death.......

mlynncooper

Cocaine can take you to ROCK BOTTOM; however, if you continue it can take you beyond ROCK BOTTOM and trust me it's not a place you want to go. It's terribly ugly, extremely terrifying, and worst of all.....it doesn't want to let go!!! BEWARE! Cocaine is pure evil!!!!

Aellyce

Sean, to answer your question:
I abused alcohol both in frequency and quantity for many years. Started to drink in my teens socially (this social drinking qualified more and more as binge drinking over time). It was under control for about a decade and I never or very rarely drank alone until I had put myself into a very stressful situation at around 28, when I started to drink alone at home. First only on Fridays... then slowly more frequently. The quantity also increased: first it was just half a bottle of wine or a few beers, never hard liquor. Then one bottle of wine 2-3-4 times a week. Then at some point wine did not really cut it anymore and I started on the liquors: whiskey, run, vodka. To cut it short, in the recent two years I could easily polish off nearly a 5th of vodka per day when I was drinking it all day, or half that when only in evenings. And I'm a 5'7'' ~120 lbs woman. This was everyday, or nearly everyday for at least 2 years; I would skip some days when I was very sick, but mostly an everyday habit. I was a total mess mentally (and also physically weak, tired all the time, with many of the characteristic symptoms of alcohol abuse).

I had been very worried about my habit in the past 3-4 years but never really committed seriously to quitting until now. Why did I finally decide there was no other choice? Because I was destroying everything in my life slowly with it, more and more components of my life. My social life was ~nonexistent in the past 2 years. But what bothered me more than anything else, even more than my health, is how it affected my work and career in the recent years. I was still doing pretty well compared with average in my job, but far below my own standards and the productivity I know I am capable of. Had no motivation, constant anxiety, bouts of depression. Never really seeked help. I love my job. It broke my heart to see all this happening and still would not change for a long time until a recent turning point, when I finally had no choice but see: either I quit and try to restore my life, or probably lose everything and die. Oh and I'll give it to you: my environment, other people, colleagues etc noticed nothing or very little from this, they thought I was doing well, just a bit introverted (which I am, but isolation is different).

I started being active on SR, which has been helping me tremendously. This is a great community with so much knowledge, experience, depth, compassion, support. So now I'm trying to contribute also and find this very rewarding.
This is the short version of the story more or less.

I do believe that being clean and sober is possible for everyone in principle, but there are huge differences in when and how this can be achieved. I am skeptical myself about the my sobriety, whether I will be able to sustain it, how long etc. I just feel very committed to it now. Oh, speaking of commitment: I think this was a big culprit for me in the past, my fear of commitment... manifested in many areas of my life.

Maybe you need to run your course until you lose any faith in substances, I think we are just trying to suggest that you think about possibly skipping many years of doubt and trial and error. This is all.

I wish you the very best decisions!

jdooner

Your going to laugh at these threads and your thought process once you get some recovery and sober time. I mean no offense but I don;t think you can think straight right now. This is not a put down - literally your brain is not firing correctly. I know, I was in your shoes once.

Try reading In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts - it has changed my life for the better and deal exactly with the addiction you have and I hope you get out from under.

Dee74

Sean, I guess if you're convinced of this - and you seem desperate to believe it - then there's probably nothing I or anyone here can do to change your mind.

I do think you'll have cause to remember this thread in years to come tho.]

I think you're forgetting that addiction is progressive.

We can't go back to a certain point in the past because that point doesn't exist anymore.

what if coke didn't screw things up....but is simply the next level of your addiction journey?

D