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Concerned and confused

Old 12-10-2013, 11:52 AM
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Concerned and confused

I have been married to the same man for almost 20 years and looking back, he has always struggled with alcohol. He has been in and out of rehabs, however, has remained sober for the past 18 months, however, I believe he is starting to slip again. I have approached him regarding his behavior and have questioned alcohol use. Needless to say, his reply is never yes. My concern is this....now he has begun to blame me. States that he just can't make me happy and doesn't want to be around me. Blames me for the lack of peace in our home environment. States that I'm the one that needs counseling. Yes, I would agree that I have been "on edge" lately and should probably not focus on whether he has begun to drink again or not. We just moved to a different state so that he could focus on his recover and remove himself from all of the old triggers. I'm finding myself extremely scared being out here by myself. Thoughts?
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Old 12-10-2013, 12:28 PM
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Welcome to SR. Sorry you are having such a tough time of it right now.

The move might have him stressed as well.

Speculating here - but it sounds like he was trying to run away from his addiction and was disappointed to learn that it followed him. He got away from all the old triggers, but he's still addicted. Since it wasn't the old triggers' fault, it must be you.

What is he doing to work on his recovery?
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Old 12-10-2013, 01:28 PM
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So he's been sober for 18 months. That's commendable. Is he working a recovery program like AA?
Sounds like you're both under a lot of pressure with the move and everything going on. Have you attended any Alanon meetings? If you recently moved that might be a good way to build up a support system for yourself.
Also- try posting on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. That's where I usually post. There is a wealth of info and experience there, and many people who have been in your shoes. Best wishes and welcome.
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Old 12-10-2013, 02:45 PM
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Hi. Many recommend Al Anon for spouses and family of alcoholics. We may hear things we don't like but it's factual.

BE WELL
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Old 12-10-2013, 02:48 PM
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Thanks for the tips. I'm planning on hitting an al anon meeting tonight. He has been going to aa but not consistently.
Right now just extremely hurt and confused. He decided at the very last minute that I could not go with him to his works Christmas party. Said that I would add to his stress of not drinking. Doesn't make sense to me. I thought I was his support system. If I read between the lines, I feel as though this behavior is consistent with him drinking again.
I don't want to leave him but the blame on me is killing me.
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Old 12-10-2013, 02:53 PM
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I think your reading is unfortunately correct or he's "budding." Working up to drink and pointing fingers because of fear and insecurity.
Like AA it's advised to attend a bunch of meetings.

BE WELL
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Old 12-10-2013, 03:01 PM
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I was just going to suggest posting on the Friends and Families of Alcoholics Forum when I saw Ladyscribbler made the same suggestion. You can cut and paste the link.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

You are not to blame. He is feeling edgy and irritable because he is drinking or wants to drink. At least, that is my read on the situation. Hang in there.
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Old 12-10-2013, 03:30 PM
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Welcome to SR! It sounds like he doesn't want you to go to his work party cause then you'd make sure he didn't drink. I'd guess he wants to go alone so that he can drink.

Please do go to AlAnon for support for yourself. And don't let him blame you. Alcoholics blame everyone and everything for their problems but themselves. It's not your fault.
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Old 12-10-2013, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by iwanthappiness View Post
I have been married to the same man for almost 20 years and looking back, he has always struggled with alcohol. He has been in and out of rehabs, however, has remained sober for the past 18 months, however, I believe he is starting to slip again. I have approached him regarding his behavior and have questioned alcohol use. Needless to say, his reply is never yes. My concern is this....now he has begun to blame me. States that he just can't make me happy and doesn't want to be around me. Blames me for the lack of peace in our home environment. States that I'm the one that needs counseling. Yes, I would agree that I have been "on edge" lately and should probably not focus on whether he has begun to drink again or not. We just moved to a different state so that he could focus on his recover and remove himself from all of the old triggers. I'm finding myself extremely scared being out here by myself. Thoughts?
Okay, first he isolated you geographically. Now he's isolating you both emotionally with his accusations and socially by banning you from his Christmas party.

You don't have to leave if you don't want to, but now seems like a good time to start taking care of yourself as though you're going this alone...and alone is exactly what he's trying to make you feel.

In my mind and in my experience, it's our first responsibility to not allow other people to ruin our lives. It's the other side of not harming others, and equally necessary.
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Old 12-10-2013, 09:53 PM
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If you feel it in your gut. he most likely relapsed. I agree with Least. Sounds like he doesn't want you at his work Christmas party so he can drink. Most of my co-workers have no idea that I am in recovery and that may be the case with him and hence he can drink all he wants in front of them without anything seeming out of the norm.
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:07 PM
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Well, my gut was correct. He did relapse and blame me. He is now living in a hotel with a court order to stay away from us b/c he became violent and hit me. Either he is delusional or really guilty because he denied it to the cops....and still blames me! I definitely will start attending al anon meetings because, at times, I wonder if I did create this mess like he says. I'll admit, I have begun to obsess with his recovery and freak out when he has been slipping, but I told myself NO more. This is not fair to our children and me. SL far, he hasn't lost his job, me or the kids. Wondering if he ever really hit bottom?
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:11 PM
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He hit you. That's pretty low. And it's scary.
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:11 PM
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are you attending al anon or naranon?
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:19 PM
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Originally Posted by iwanthappiness View Post
Well, my gut was correct. He did relapse and blame me. He is now living in a hotel with a court order to stay away from us b/c he became violent and hit me. Either he is delusional or really guilty because he denied it to the cops....and still blames me! I definitely will start attending al anon meetings because, at times, I wonder if I did create this mess like he says. I'll admit, I have begun to obsess with his recovery and freak out when he has been slipping, but I told myself NO more. This is not fair to our children and me. SL far, he hasn't lost his job, me or the kids. Wondering if he ever really hit bottom?
I am sorry for what you are going through, it is pretty amazing how our gut does usually lead us in the right direction.

I guess my question is "how does he know he hasn't lost you"?. He hit you. If I laid a hand on anyone I would never assume that they would take it or that I could expect anything from them again in the future. Drunk or not drunk, you do not hit. His job, well that's his deal. The kids, I guess that needs to be worked out. But you? I hope you realize how much more you deserve. It sounds like he has taken a lot away from you. Maybe he hasn't hit his bottom, but haven''t you hit yours?
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:27 PM
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He hit you. I can't abide by that.. If you need help getting away from him, it is there. Unless you came at him with a knife violence is not acceptable. AT ALL. If he was a good person at some point, he isn't right now. He may need help, he may just be an ass... but either way, remove yourself from this. I don't know you but i seriously doubt you should have been hit for any reason. well, unless you attacked him with a knife :p

Know you have friends here, and everywhere. Reach out and take care of yourself. For me he is on his own to work out why he did it, and that has nothing to do with you.
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Old 12-12-2013, 09:49 PM
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Okay, first he isolated you geographically. Now he's isolating you both emotionally with his accusations and socially by banning you from his Christmas party.

You don't have to leave if you don't want to, but now seems like a good time to start taking care of yourself as though you're going this alone...and alone is exactly what he's trying to make you feel.

In my mind and in my experience, it's our first responsibility to not allow other people to ruin our lives. It's the other side of not harming others, and equally necessary.


EndGameNYC put their finger on the beginnings of a pattern that can suggest abuse. You might go to the Friends and Families Forum index page and look for the "stickies" - the permanent threads of universal interest at the top of the page. Find the one called "What abuse is" - - it will give you some insight as to whether you are dealing with alcoholism or with abuse beneath the alcoholism as well.

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Old 12-13-2013, 04:18 AM
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I believe I have hit bottom, just not sure why I feel guilty about it. My head wont stop spinning. I was sleeping with my daughters when he entered our room at 2:30 am and hit me in the head! Crazy! My dad drove here to help. Just so baffled this happened. My fear is that he will spiral fast (like previously) and our children won't be able to see him before this happens. Before alcoholism, he was my best friend. I guess I'm still living in the past. This disease is terrible!
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Old 12-13-2013, 04:34 AM
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Just read the "what is abuse" sticky. WOW this helps clear my thoughts! Thank you. I'm going to keep reading this!
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Old 12-14-2013, 03:20 PM
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Kids just saw their father under a supervised visit. Told them he was lonely and scared. States that he wasn't drinking that night and that I over reacted. Is this typical behavior from a recovering A who obviouo relapsed?? Not just once either. In fact, I'm thinking he has switched over to pills to avoid the smell. His co workers at the Xmas party even thought he was "on something.". Help!
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Old 12-14-2013, 03:24 PM
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I did have sad feelings but always kept them to myself and acted like everything was normal.

After bed time I would cry a bit. I always protected my son from knowing I was sad.
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