JadeSatellite

Why do I keep going back to booze? I have no idea why, since I know that sooner or later I will mess things up and become a crazy person in a black out haze.

I've been sober for a week... then I bought a bottle of diluted liquor, and shared it with my partner. We were fine, we had a lovely night watching silly movies and making love.

And last night, I went to work late in the evening when it was snowing. It was so romantic and nostalgic, watching the snow fall in the evening, and how quiet and wonderful it was.... I told my partner I'd bring home something to drink so we could get a little silly and watch stupid holiday movies.

I wake up this morning, and I don't remember half the night. I have a bruise on my eye, neither of us can find our glasses, I have new bruises, and neither of us remember what happened.

What the hell is wrong with me man? I just want to live and have a little fun, but when I try to drink it just spirals out of control.

Lifeisforliving

Read your last sentence. Over and over again. I did and I get it. You will too.

Anna

You're romanticizing the alcohol an s for us addicts there is nothing romantic about alcohol. Why don't you try to come up with some other ways to spend a romantic night at home?

JadeSatellite

I know, but this ****** up life... I work minimum wage, I am behind on rent a month, our utilities are always in peril... We eat out of food pantries... why the hell shouldn't I drink?

When I was sober, I had the same problems. I just hate living... why the hell is it so ******* hard to make a living? I am a hard worker and so is my partner, but we can't make 40 hours a week. How the **** are we supposed to make it?

I mean, sometimes it feels like the only way to get away from the pain and anxiety is to just have a few drinks. But then I overdo it and we both get hurt.

There is no escape in America. I can't do it anymore.

ScottFromWI

Alcohol is not an escape for an alcoholic. It is exactly the opposite, as you are seeing from the consequences when you drink.

As bad as things seem, remember you do have a job, you have a place to live, food to eat, a partner to share life with, many in our country have none of these things. And if you keep drinking its entirely possible that you will lose all of those too.

Maybe it's time to take the next step and seek some formal support for this affliction. Some cannot do it on their own.

phoebe64

It sounds like you both could stand to stop drinking, Jade. She blacks out too, it sounds like? Does she think this is a problem?

It does not sound like you have support in your sobriety at home, if she enjoys and looks forward ot your bringing home the drink and getting high together.

I know it is a hige challenge getting sober with a drinking partner. I am in that situation, too. And I only have 8 days today, but had as much as 35 in September/October. I don't want to make it sound like I have the answers, but blackout drinking and injuries sound like a very good reason to quit. For both of you.

freshstart57

I don't think you are looking for reasons to quit drinking, you have a whole pantload of those. You need to find reasons to stay sober, and there are many many more of those. Identify those things that you can have once you decide to quit drinking, those things that are personal and private to you. You deserve to have those things, Jade, and you will have them but not if you continue to drink.

You can do it and you will do it, simply because you must do it. That's it, a short story, and that's the end of it. Now, you know what you must do.

Leana

Are you looking for excuses to drink or reasons to be sober?

Have you ever wondered if your drinking is some how related to your financial problems? I don't know the answer to that, I'm just asking the question.

ScottFromWI

Jade: take a look closely a this post if yours merely a week or 2 ago. Has something changed between you and your partner that drinking is suddenly OK again? At that point you were literally on your "last chance". But if your partner has suddenly had a drastic change of heart that drinking is acceptable, maybe you both need some external help.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...onfession.html

Carlotta

It is really bad I agree, they do not pay their workers and stick them on part time so they will not have to give them benefits. I know a lot of homeless people who are the "working poor" and do not make enough to afford housing
Social injustice though is NOT what makes you drink though, you drink because you are an alcoholic and financial stress is just an excuse for you to get wasted.
Blowing money you don't have on alcohol when you are one month late with your rent is nuts and choosing to take the first drink when you know that you have been physically abusive to your partner in the past is insane.
Why do you do it? Not because you are a bad person but because you are an alcoholic.
Once you accept that you can never drink safely again and are ok with it, you will not "relapse" anymore. Until then if you keep drinking I have a feeling that things will get worst.

I hope your partner is getting help too because whether she is also an alcoholic or not, drinking with her abuser is really a sign of being a very sick codie

KateL

I hope you find your answers some time soon. I think you just want to vent which may help for now. Just keep posting and perhaps something will click xxxx

JadeSatellite

I have no idea what is going on right now. I'm really fukking lost.

ScottFromWI

Perhaps it's time for some help to help find yourself again. You mentioned you would do "whatever it takes" Including meetings, detox, etc. I think now is the time to explore some of those options.

I know you are hurting but it won't get better until you take action.

EndGameNYC

Hi Jade.

If you're both making minimum wage, you may be eligible for free or low-cost health insurance and/or food stamps. There are thousands of minimum wage workers in NY who are eligible, but they don't know about it because they assume working means that they are not eligible.

Check out your local DSS office. You can also check out your eligibility status online.

Given your history, you already may be fluent in eligibility requirements for various entitlements (hate that word), but the laws and requirements do change from time to time.

As for the drink problem...we often need to make radical changes in lifestyle in order to achieve sobriety. Drinking seems to have become your "fun time" with your partner, a way to relax after your daily battles with life's gray, everyday struggles. This is a difficult place to be, but you're only inviting future difficulties by continuing on this path.

It seems that most of your waking hours are absent of meaning...you're only struggling to survive. That can become meaningful in and of itself, but is much easier said than lived. It's always a noble enterprise, and I don't have any quick fixes for you as to how to make the leap to get to a better place. This is the cutting edge for you. Making a commitment to not drink under any circumstances is a good start.

suntastic

I feel the same as you JadeSatellite.... every single time!

w2r

you are still posting here.
You have what it takes. I feel positive that you will make it.
As Warren Buffet says, you've already won the lottery if you were born in the USA.
I love your posts.