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A difficult, shameful confession

Old 11-24-2013, 06:30 PM
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A difficult, shameful confession

I have a painful confession I feel I need to get off my chest, and I wanted to do it first to people who would maybe understand me and not be too harsh in their criticism.

I have had a drinking issue for longer than I admitted to. I started drinking when I was 21 and living in Florida with a long-term partner. I had moved away from home with her at 19 from Ohio, my first time on my own. I could 'control' it at first, when I would only go out and drink for fun and nothing went wrong. But I was in a very difficult and abusive relationship, and I believe I started using more and more to block out the anxiety and depression I was experiencing because of it. Drinking more heavily after work then turned to drinking at work at lunch, and then on breaks too.... then I had gotten to the point where I kept a bottle in my bag all day, and would go to the bathroom and drink whenever I felt the urge. I got out of that bad situation, and the drinking subsided, but still continued to a point.

Fast forward. I find a wonderful partner and we have a difficult time starting our new life together. To get away from our problematic home lives, we moved into my car one night after my family stole my college book money, and I couldn't go to my new college classes That was the last straw. I was living at home, and was 26. We moved from friend to friend, until we had gainful employment and could rent a room. Finally, after a year and a half together, we finally were able to rent our own place.

I can still remember how happy we were. We had finally made it. We hugged and embraced and cried and were just happy to have finally done it - we had jobs, we had our own love nest, it was wonderful.

And in the past year, I don't know how or why I spiraled, but I did. Binges became more and more frequent. I started blacking out. My habit ballooned to drinking half a bottle of vodka a day... then nearly a whole one.

And then the worst thing that I could do, I began doing: I became abusive when I was in a black out stupor. I would mentally abuse my beautiful partner, saying horrible things I would never normally think or say... hurtful, vindictive, manipulative vomit that she didn't deserve. And then it became physical. And the worst part is, I don't remember doing most of any of it. I hit her, threw things, fought her, left marks. I would get into such moods that she felt forced to take care of me like an imbecile after a binge.

Recently she said she was leaving me. It was crushing, heartbreaking, I felt like I had destroyed the entire world we had built, the trust we had forged, the love that we had. We were partners, we wanted to build a life with one another, because when we are sober and happy, the times we had together are heavenly, more wonderful than I had ever imagined possible. And even though I was heartbroken, she told me that she would be supportive of me to get help, but she couldn't live with me because she feared for her safety. And she was completely right. And that is what terrified me... I had made the love of my life scared of me. How could I have done that? Why did I keep doing that? What in the hell have I done?

In the past few days, we have come to an agreement - that we will stay together on the basis I quit drinking entirely and get help in every way I can... outpatient detox, AA, going to church, finding sober friends, etc. I am thrilled that I have one more chance, but in my heart I find a sinking, black hole feeling ripping through. I made her scared of me, I hurt her, I turned into a person I truly am not.

I can't mess this up. I won't mess this up any longer. I have almost ruined my life over and over again, and I am lucky to not be in jail, or have been raped, or to have not seriously hurt anyone and myself.

I have no room for failure, because if I relapse or fail, everything in my life that I desire will fall away from me: The wonderful feeling of being aware and sober; the regaining of my health; the new commitment to my job and home; finding the real reasons to live like interests, hobbies and getting involved in the community; and finally, trying desperately to prove myself to my loved ones, to show them that I am serious about getting our lives back on track. One of the most important things about getting sober is to be healthy for yourself, but the second is making life better for those around you by being WHO YOU REALLY ARE, sober and in control.

I need to regain her trust, because I love her and want to spend the rest of my life showing her that the happy times can be all the time when I am sober and free and clean.

I want to be a better person. I need to be a better person, for myself, to build my self esteem and quit hiding from behind a fog of depression and booze. I want to be myself again.
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Old 11-24-2013, 06:35 PM
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I too did things I was ashamed of when drunk or blacked out Jade.

I don't do those things sober... so to me that's just another of the ways that alcohol affected me in a negative way.

We may not be able to forget those things (and personally I don't think we should) but I think we can, in time, learn to forgive ourselves for them.

I am not my addiction - I'm far more than that - I believe you are too Jade

D
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Old 11-24-2013, 06:43 PM
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Jade, you have a chance to stop drinking and to live the life you want to live with your partner who you love. Do this for yourself and for her and you will be the person you want to be.
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Old 11-24-2013, 07:14 PM
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Jade, a very wise man once said we are not the sum of the worst thing we have ever done. I've done some things drunk that I would never do sober as well. Lying was a big one. But now I'm sober, health restored, sanity restored, and my relationship that was in a shambles almost feels brand new. Growing pains and all kind of new, but wouldn't trade it for the world.

Sobriety will save your life. So it's worth giving it everything you've got. You can do this I'm totally pulling for you!

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Old 11-24-2013, 07:37 PM
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wehav2day - thank you for telling me that. It's so inspiring and important to me to hear other success stories in rebuilding relationships after destroying it.
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Old 11-24-2013, 07:39 PM
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You can do it Jade. I drank all my life - when I finally quit my world had been shattered in every way possible. I told myself the real me would never have said or done the bizarre things the drunk me did. I truly was two different people. Please be kind and patient with yourself as you heal from all you've been through. You are going to have a beautiful new life.
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Old 11-24-2013, 07:42 PM
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Jade...you've come to the right place in SO many ways, on SO many levels.

As you move forward I hope you are able to use all that you will gain and welcome into your life via sobriety, as motivation. That you can move forward eager for freedom and joy, rather than just running from a demon/thief.

There are so many opportunities ahead for you, move towards them with optimism and anticipation of all that life can be.
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Old 11-24-2013, 07:55 PM
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Fast forward to about three years from now. Looking back, you drank in spite of the ground rules you and your partner agreed to. Now you're wishing you could do it all over again, that you would have made things right for yourself. You'd do anything to re-live that part of your past.

This was me about a year after my ex had enough, and for some time after that. What's truly sad, though, is that even had she given me an ultimatum -- a second chance -- I believe I would have trampled all over it.
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Old 11-24-2013, 10:51 PM
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Hello Jade,I'm glad you've been given another chance. I hope you really embrace it and do everything to get and stay sober. AA/AVRT/SMART/WFS anything .And SR of course I found joining the monthly class a key source of support for me.
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Old 11-25-2013, 04:50 AM
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Active addiction is poisonous to body and soul. Your partner sounds fantastic. She can see the real you beyond the alcoholic. She does not believe you are wholly broken , trust her in that.
What is your plan about future alcohol use? You know the price you have to pay in order to continue. You can stop.
wish you well
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Old 11-25-2013, 06:32 AM
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You are in the right place and from what you said "I want to be a better person. I need to be a better person, for myself, to build my self esteem and quit hiding from behind a fog of depression and booze. I want to be myself again," you are starting to build a great foundation.
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Old 11-25-2013, 06:35 AM
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Where in Ohio? I'm from there as well.
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Old 11-25-2013, 11:03 AM
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Thanks for sharing your experience Jade. I am fighting today to get the mental images of my weekend mistakes out of my mind. I am shocked and ashamed of the things that I will do when I drink, things that would never even cross my mind when I am sober. Your story reminds me that we are not the mistakes that we make when we are drunk and we can't let them define who we are because if we accept our drunkeness as being a part of us we will never stop. You said "I want to be myself again", I really identify with that and I want the same thing! I am glad you have a supportive partner and something that makes you want to be yourself again. Thanks so much for your openness about your experience, it really gave me some insight into my own situation.
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Old 11-25-2013, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by JadeSatellite View Post
In the past few days, we have come to an agreement - that we will stay together on the basis I quit drinking entirely and get help in every way I can... outpatient detox, AA, going to church, finding sober friends, etc. I am thrilled that I have one more chance, but in my heart I find a sinking, black hole feeling ripping through. I made her scared of me, I hurt her, I turned into a person I truly am not.
Not many people are given a chance you were given.

Forgive yourself and this time do it differently.
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Old 11-25-2013, 11:59 AM
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alcohol does not bring out the best in people. Great you have made a commitment to change
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Old 11-25-2013, 04:55 PM
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Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I do have a wonderful partner who sees the person beyond the booze. I'm incredibly lucky to have her and to have yet again another chance. I can't mess this up again.
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Old 11-25-2013, 04:59 PM
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Good luck xx
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Old 11-25-2013, 06:15 PM
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May you at last break free of this terrible bondage. My heart goes out to you. I cannot say more right now but what you have said is something which stays in my mind and haunts me. All I can say now is that I hope you can get all the help you need to do what you hope to do. Contact other recovering alcoholics, get counseling, medical help. And, if you do these things and are completely honest with yourself and others, you can do this because others have been where you are now. I've been there in my own way. I know what you are saying. And finally let me say this. The way you have told your story has shown that you are truly a wonderful person. Never lose faith in yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have a terrible illness but something from which others have recovered. You can recover too. Have faith in yourself and in others who can help. And may the sun shine upon you and the one you love.

W.
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Old 11-25-2013, 06:26 PM
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put everything you've got into your recovery, jade, and you will rack up the days!

if you have a hard day with your partner, don't let it give you a reason to drink. when we quit drinking, we evolve. sometimes the new us takes a little getting used to. and your partner is going to grow too. guess I'm trying to say what I wish someone had told me: there will be uncomfortable times, and it's okay. give it time. and if you drink, you will have to start over. so don't drink. ;-)

you can do this!
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Old 11-25-2013, 09:04 PM
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Hi Jade.

You and your partner clearly worked very hard to make a better life for yourselves. That struggle may no longer have the immediacy it once held for you as the memories fade. For a good part of your life it was all about the struggle...for survival, for health and well being, for love.

After the dust settles, many of us ask ourselves, "So what happens next?" There were times in my life when I didn't handle prosperity very well at all. This always hurt me. It was often true that the value in my life was in the struggle and not in the goals I achieved. I had a very difficult time with that and, ultimately threw away twenty five years without a drink, only to bring myself to a much worse place than I'd ever been, than I could ever imagine.

You're staring into the abyss. Let people help you as much as they can, as much as they want to, as much as you need them to.
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