Husband calling me names, making me feel worse than I already do
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 95
Husband calling me names, making me feel worse than I already do
So, I slipped. My husband brought home an 18 pack of beer after we agreed on the no alcohol in the house rule. He's not an alcoholic but we had a deal. I got mad and went and got some vodka. He of course, found out about it and called me pathetic, said how dissappointed he is in me and how I'm ruining our family. Yes, I feel bad because when I start drinking I don't stop until I go to sleep but at the same time, I am working TWO jobs to his one, taking care of the kids and the house and doing everything I'm supposed to do. Should I have bought vodka, no. Should he have brought home beer? No. But I am the one who is pathetic and a lier, and making my family miserable. Really? Everyone is in bed. I've had ONE drink in weeks. But I'm pathetic and a lier and making everyone miserable?? The minute he asked what was in my glass I told him, so not lying. I told him why too. But that makes me pathetic because he can do what he wants but I can't.
Sorry, but I need to vent. I know I have a problem with controlling my intake, but I did not break the pact. I did not lie and the only person who thinks I have a problem with controlling my alcohol, besides me, is him. He certainly isn't going to persuade me to not drink by calling me pathetic. <sigh>
Sorry, but I need to vent. I know I have a problem with controlling my intake, but I did not break the pact. I did not lie and the only person who thinks I have a problem with controlling my alcohol, besides me, is him. He certainly isn't going to persuade me to not drink by calling me pathetic. <sigh>
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
I'm so sorry. I would like to verbally attack your husband, but I won't. It doesn't help you to have someone treat you that way. That's not acceptable whether you drink or not. Only you know what you can do about it. I wish you much luck. Please continue to vent! Some one will drop by here and give you some great advice, I'm sure. Prayers to you!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 248
((Hugs)) I am sorry you had that experience. I have been on many sides of this sort of issue as an alcoholic, the wife of an alcoholic, and the daughter of an alcoholic.
He definitely should not have brought beer into the house, especially if you guys agreed that he wouldn't. However, two wrongs don't make a right and it sounds like you both broke your end of the bargain - you by drinking and him by bringing beer into the house. It sounds like you know that, though, so excuse me for pointing out the obvious.
Look at it from his point of view. He, as a "normie" probably feels very victimized by your drinking. And if your home life is anything like mine was when I was drinking, he probably was. So, in his mind, he is entitled to drink, much as the husband of a diabetic is entitled to eat sugar. The rules are different for you and him, you see. And that is something you will have to deal with if you are going to stay together. It sucks, I know, because I have been there. My husband goes out for a drink after work with his friends and I feel so rotten and left out sometimes, but it is what it is. However, with that said, you should definitely (and without accusations) let him know that you need the home to be alcohol-free, and that you need his support in this matter for your recovery.
Hang in there. It was a slip up, you can move on. Tomorrow is always a new day.
He definitely should not have brought beer into the house, especially if you guys agreed that he wouldn't. However, two wrongs don't make a right and it sounds like you both broke your end of the bargain - you by drinking and him by bringing beer into the house. It sounds like you know that, though, so excuse me for pointing out the obvious.
Look at it from his point of view. He, as a "normie" probably feels very victimized by your drinking. And if your home life is anything like mine was when I was drinking, he probably was. So, in his mind, he is entitled to drink, much as the husband of a diabetic is entitled to eat sugar. The rules are different for you and him, you see. And that is something you will have to deal with if you are going to stay together. It sucks, I know, because I have been there. My husband goes out for a drink after work with his friends and I feel so rotten and left out sometimes, but it is what it is. However, with that said, you should definitely (and without accusations) let him know that you need the home to be alcohol-free, and that you need his support in this matter for your recovery.
Hang in there. It was a slip up, you can move on. Tomorrow is always a new day.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
well to be honest, if you have the problem with alcohol why would you drink it? i think if you are going to be a successful recovered alcoholic, you should be able to tolerate alcohol around you no matter if it is in your house, the restaurant you eat at, walking by it at the store when you there to get milk or see people drinking it on TV, just to name a few. in my view you cannot completely remove alcohol from your life, it will always be around you, you just have to keep it out of your mouth.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
You're very new to recovery - in time you won't mind it being in the house and will probably see it a nothing more than cleaning fluid - something that's there, but you wouldn't drink in a million years 
Perhaps calmly explain to him that it's a trigger for you? I can't decide if he was being insensitive or just clueless.
At the end of the day though, he didn't force you out of the house to buy and then drink the vodka - you just haven't built up enough strength just yet.
Well done posting though
Perhaps calmly explain to him that it's a trigger for you? I can't decide if he was being insensitive or just clueless. At the end of the day though, he didn't force you out of the house to buy and then drink the vodka - you just haven't built up enough strength just yet.
Well done posting though
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
No, you can't remove alcohol from your life in general, but you can certainly remove it from your home! You have the right to be upset that he brought alcohol in when you both agreed not to. Does that excuse you going and buying vodka, no it doesn't. But, at the same time, he KNEW that what he did would be a temptation.
Only YOU can stop yourself from drinking, but at the same time, having a partner who cares so little about your recovery doesn't help things at all. I hope you have some face-to-face support to help you. Early sobriety is not easy. It's damned hard, but if you want it badly enough, you won't allow such a petty person to drive you off the rails of sobriety.
Only YOU can stop yourself from drinking, but at the same time, having a partner who cares so little about your recovery doesn't help things at all. I hope you have some face-to-face support to help you. Early sobriety is not easy. It's damned hard, but if you want it badly enough, you won't allow such a petty person to drive you off the rails of sobriety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 95
He won't even talk to me. He's text messaging me from his computer - his own addiction - saying "Youc ant hide from the truth. You are a liar and untrustworthy person. I feel sorry for you and your family that we have to endure it." Really??
I should say, that I drink to much when I drink, and I know this. BUT- I also take care of 98% of the household responsibilities including our children and work two jobs to make ends meet. I'm not exactly a sloppy drunk who can't do what needs to be done. I haven't had a day off in weeks, on top of being sick. Had thanksgiving with my family, everyone was drinking but me, went to work all morning today, came home, cleaned house, made homemade soup in the slow cooker, decorated for Christmas with the kids, cleaned more, did laundry, had one drink and this is the treatment I get? And it's not like he has a basis to say I've ever hurt the family, I was always a "have a few glasses of wine after work girl" then he thought I was drinking to much and I hated being controlled so I switched to vodka and hid it. In MY mind, that made it worse, I had trouble controlling myself at that point. Still, a lot of it stems from our dysfunctional relationship and me trying to establish my own sense of self while at the same time trying to be "perfect" for everyone. It's impossible. So yes, I drank to much. Yes, I want to stop. But calling me names and belittling me is only going to make me resent and drink more- I know me. That's how I work. Tell me I can't do something and I will do it. It's not mature but it's how my brain works. Always has. It can be a great trait, or negative. I just wish he would learn to think before he speaks because more often than not, he is the source of my wanting to drink. I'm miserable at home. I sleep on the pull out sofa. I don't want sex (sorry). I don't want to be around him. It's been like this for YEARS. Before the drinking started. I just keep telling myself to make it until the kids are grown. I tried separating once, after years of verbal abuse and he went to a doctor, was diagnosed as bipolar, started meds, begged me to take him back. I did. He stopped the meds, he has maintained some changes but tonight is just a glimpse of what lies under the surface. He sends me articles about how it's the woman's job to remain cool and level headed if a marriage is to last...really? How about you NOT be a jerk in the first place?
Sorry gang. Thanks for listening...
I should say, that I drink to much when I drink, and I know this. BUT- I also take care of 98% of the household responsibilities including our children and work two jobs to make ends meet. I'm not exactly a sloppy drunk who can't do what needs to be done. I haven't had a day off in weeks, on top of being sick. Had thanksgiving with my family, everyone was drinking but me, went to work all morning today, came home, cleaned house, made homemade soup in the slow cooker, decorated for Christmas with the kids, cleaned more, did laundry, had one drink and this is the treatment I get? And it's not like he has a basis to say I've ever hurt the family, I was always a "have a few glasses of wine after work girl" then he thought I was drinking to much and I hated being controlled so I switched to vodka and hid it. In MY mind, that made it worse, I had trouble controlling myself at that point. Still, a lot of it stems from our dysfunctional relationship and me trying to establish my own sense of self while at the same time trying to be "perfect" for everyone. It's impossible. So yes, I drank to much. Yes, I want to stop. But calling me names and belittling me is only going to make me resent and drink more- I know me. That's how I work. Tell me I can't do something and I will do it. It's not mature but it's how my brain works. Always has. It can be a great trait, or negative. I just wish he would learn to think before he speaks because more often than not, he is the source of my wanting to drink. I'm miserable at home. I sleep on the pull out sofa. I don't want sex (sorry). I don't want to be around him. It's been like this for YEARS. Before the drinking started. I just keep telling myself to make it until the kids are grown. I tried separating once, after years of verbal abuse and he went to a doctor, was diagnosed as bipolar, started meds, begged me to take him back. I did. He stopped the meds, he has maintained some changes but tonight is just a glimpse of what lies under the surface. He sends me articles about how it's the woman's job to remain cool and level headed if a marriage is to last...really? How about you NOT be a jerk in the first place?
Sorry gang. Thanks for listening...
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
I've said this before this week but they say 'attack is the best form of defence' and it does sound like he is trying to defend his own actions (bringing the booze into the house, by using attack. Just a thought Xx
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by robgt350 
well to be honest, if you have the problem with alcohol why would you drink it? i think if you are going to be a successful recovered alcoholic, you should be able to tolerate alcohol around you no matter if it is in your house, the restaurant you eat at, walking by it at the store when you there to get milk or see people drinking it on TV, just to name a few. in my view you cannot completely remove alcohol from your life, it will always be around you, you just have to keep it out of your mouth.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Well, we only have what you post to go by, but if it's true, he sounds like a Class A azzhole. If you are so miserable, perhaps you should start making some plans. Whatever you decide, don't let him and his asinine behavior make you do anything that you know isn't in your own best interests.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: BC
Posts: 557
Originally Posted by suki44883
Well, we only have what you post to go by, but if it's true, he sounds like a Class A azzhole. If you are so miserable, perhaps you should start making some plans. Whatever you decide, don't let him and his asinine behavior make you do anything that you know isn't in your own best interests.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sounds like you need to set some boundaries. Your sobriety should be the highest priority. Unless I'm reading this wrong, your immediate solution to your husband breaking his promise was for you to buy vodka and do exactly the same, is that correct? We can't solve your inter marital issues, but I can guarantee you that a bottle of vodka ain't gonna help either.
Perhaps you need to seek some help or meetings outside the home to help you work on your sobriety?
Perhaps you need to seek some help or meetings outside the home to help you work on your sobriety?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
He does seem to be acting like a D-bag. If you, an alcoholic, can survive without drinking in your home, then what is his excuse? Maybe he'd rather have a reason to attack you than be supportive of you. When one spouse gets sober it can change the power dynamic of the relationship; sometimes the other spouse feels threatened.
It sounds like you two need to have a Really Serious Talk and see how much this all means to you.
It sounds like you two need to have a Really Serious Talk and see how much this all means to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I'm sorry for your situation Onthebrink, but there's been some great advice here.
Sometimes, fairly or unfairly, there's no support at home, but there's always support around.
We have to remember, no matter what the provocation, there's always another option, a better option for us, than drinking
D
Sometimes, fairly or unfairly, there's no support at home, but there's always support around.
We have to remember, no matter what the provocation, there's always another option, a better option for us, than drinking
D
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: against the grain
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I feel for you, onthebrink, I really do. I'm right at a week, and I'd flip if someone especially my significant other, cruzed home with a frickin 18 pack, after we agreed to keep the house dry, and started laying in to me for my drinking. I know my comment is just taking a small slice out of a much larger and complex situation/dynamic, but there was something about the "18 pack" that stood out to me.
Also, you noted your feelings about watching everyone "enjoying" their drinks. I like how you put this in quotes. I think our alcoholic voice tells us that they are "enjoying." Our AV tells us we are missing out, that they are relaxing and really having a good time and we are not. We have to dismantle this false perception. Go into a bar at last call, study the faces, listen to the voices, watch people try to walk, think about how much money they just spent to obtain this experience (or not obtain anything at all): are they enjoying themselves?
Your post struck a nerve for me, and I hope I'm not waxing negative--am I? I hope the best for you onthebrink
Also, you noted your feelings about watching everyone "enjoying" their drinks. I like how you put this in quotes. I think our alcoholic voice tells us that they are "enjoying." Our AV tells us we are missing out, that they are relaxing and really having a good time and we are not. We have to dismantle this false perception. Go into a bar at last call, study the faces, listen to the voices, watch people try to walk, think about how much money they just spent to obtain this experience (or not obtain anything at all): are they enjoying themselves?
Your post struck a nerve for me, and I hope I'm not waxing negative--am I? I hope the best for you onthebrink
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Onthebrink I think you need some support about the relationship. In your second post you mention that you have already once left what you call a dysfunctional relationship and that your husband begged you to come back but has now returned to the verbal abuse. You also mention that you are trying to keep things going until the kids are grown but you are pulling yourself to pieces in the meantime.
Can you go and stay with someone for a few days to get a breather from all of this? Have you got support outside the home? If not, are you aware that there are support services that can help you?
For the moment could you refuse to accept communication other than face to face? By setting some boundaries you would be insisting on respect.
Can you go and stay with someone for a few days to get a breather from all of this? Have you got support outside the home? If not, are you aware that there are support services that can help you?
For the moment could you refuse to accept communication other than face to face? By setting some boundaries you would be insisting on respect.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 95
PS, I'm sorry I spelled liar wrong above, twice. Hate ipad typos! We did finally have a long talk, I will update in the morning. I've been up since 4:30 yesterday morning (so, almost 22 hours now) working (job and home). I sincerely thank you all for the advice and support. I've read every word and am truly grateful.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Whilst it's nice to have support at home we can still get sober without it
You talk of a 'pact' Because he bought beer you then bought vodka. you can't control what he does but you don't have to drink. Your sobriety isn't dependent on what other people do and neither can nor should we blame them when we choose to drink.
My husband drinks normally. This is my problem,not his. Of course it is easier not to have drink inthe house inthe early days. Is he feeling angry that he can't because you have a problem or does he have a problem himself? Or if it is something deeper maybe you need to have a proper conversation about your relationship.
Whatever it is only you can control your sobriety.
You talk of a 'pact' Because he bought beer you then bought vodka. you can't control what he does but you don't have to drink. Your sobriety isn't dependent on what other people do and neither can nor should we blame them when we choose to drink.
My husband drinks normally. This is my problem,not his. Of course it is easier not to have drink inthe house inthe early days. Is he feeling angry that he can't because you have a problem or does he have a problem himself? Or if it is something deeper maybe you need to have a proper conversation about your relationship.
Whatever it is only you can control your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
I try to overcome the moments where the world is being unfair and hostile and the lapse is very close just by saying. Yes this sucks but alcohol and cigarettes are not an option, I need to overcome this without them.
Do not let anything prevent your recovery, it is yours to protect and take care of.
Do not let anything prevent your recovery, it is yours to protect and take care of.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Man your message here hurts me to my core!!!! I see alot of myself in you, it's not an easy or fun role to be the sole caretaker of everyone. This dynamic makes it virtually impossible for us to take care of ourselves. I suffered in this for 10 years wine was my only respite, but the wine was drinking me. I lost myself and further enabled those around me to treat me as such. In the last two months something clicked.... What the F have I been putting up with. I found my voice and I'm using it. You'd be surprised the changes that will happen around you when you no longer accept it!
While my relationship is not perfect yet..... Finding my voice and asserting my needs has turned a dire situation into one I'm hopeful for the future. Big hug you can do this, we are here for you!
While my relationship is not perfect yet..... Finding my voice and asserting my needs has turned a dire situation into one I'm hopeful for the future. Big hug you can do this, we are here for you!
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