Husband calling me names, making me feel worse than I already do
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I read something really powerful last night about the loop of struggling with am I an alcoholic or not. If I'm an alcoholic - I shouldn't drink, if I'm not I don't need to. People who are not alcoholic don't stay up late at night wondering if they are. They just haven't come to grips with it. It's a hard label to wear, but I'm learning to wear it with pride. My ex used to do the shame/bullying drama. I realized a lot of times I drank because of how he treated me and (like anyone in society) they will use your drinking as a "trump-card" to dismiss ALL the sh*t they did/do. It's a bad place to be. Hope you can get better for you and your family - the husband? well.......that's another story.
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Originally Posted by robgt350 
well to be honest, if you have the problem with alcohol why would you drink it? i think if you are going to be a successful recovered alcoholic, you should be able to tolerate alcohol around you no matter if it is in your house, the restaurant you eat at, walking by it at the store when you there to get milk or see people drinking it on TV, just to name a few. in my view you cannot completely remove alcohol from your life, it will always be around you, you just have to keep it out of your mouth.
This portion of the statement gives me a good belly laugh
i think if you are going to be a successful recovered alcoholic, you should be able to tolerate alcohol around you no matter if it is in your house, the restaurant you eat at, walking by it at the store when you there to get milk or see people drinking it on TV, just to name a few.
Jeese, if we could all just keep this in mind we wouldn't need a plan, a program, or even this message board!
I want to state that my anger is not due to my lack of alcohol, it's watching good people struggling so hard on a daily basis and understanding that plight. The good fight to do the right thing and then to be chastised or replied to as though this is an easy road with easy answers. Far from it.
onthebrink, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. Like most said, we can only go by what you stated and assume that you're being 100% honest.
If you made a pact that no alcohol should be in the house that he never should have brought that beer home. You are totally justified in feeling the way that you did and don't question that. Some will say that it doesn't matter what he does, it's all about you. I call bs, he did the wrong thing. Did you make the right decision by buying alcohol and drinking it? No, but you already know that and you're still very much valid in how you felt about what he did. There will come a day that you're going to have to accept that others will drink and there will be alcohol around you but for right now his bringing home that beer was blatant disrespect for what it is that you're trying to do. Now, you have to see that for what it is and you're going to have to find a way to deal with it if he does it again.
We're here with you and we understand the struggle. Alcohol will never be the answer and you know this. Don't give up, you can do this and we're here to help you
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it sounds rather childish as you read through this....Your husband agreed to support the no booze rule, then bought some beer, this "made" you go out and buy vodka and drink yourself into oblivion? I suppose he is angry because you got drunk and won't speak to you, and now it's all his fault?
I don't know HOW you can work 2 jobs and take care of the house/kids when you are heavily drinking.
hopefully you get back on track and both of you learn from this saga. You cannot control someone else's behavior, what they eat and drink, only your own. as much as we wish for support, if you are NOT alcoholic, it is harder to understand that.
I don't know HOW you can work 2 jobs and take care of the house/kids when you are heavily drinking.
hopefully you get back on track and both of you learn from this saga. You cannot control someone else's behavior, what they eat and drink, only your own. as much as we wish for support, if you are NOT alcoholic, it is harder to understand that.
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Originally Posted by onthebrink
He won't even talk to me. He's text messaging me from his computer - his own addiction - saying "Youc ant hide from the truth. You are a liar and untrustworthy person. I feel sorry for you and your family that we have to endure it." Really??
I should say, that I drink to much when I drink, and I know this. BUT- I also take care of 98% of the household responsibilities including our children and work two jobs to make ends meet. I'm not exactly a sloppy drunk who can't do what needs to be done. I haven't had a day off in weeks, on top of being sick. Had thanksgiving with my family, everyone was drinking but me, went to work all morning today, came home, cleaned house, made homemade soup in the slow cooker, decorated for Christmas with the kids, cleaned more, did laundry, had one drink and this is the treatment I get? And it's not like he has a basis to say I've ever hurt the family, I was always a "have a few glasses of wine after work girl" then he thought I was drinking to much and I hated being controlled so I switched to vodka and hid it. In MY mind, that made it worse, I had trouble controlling myself at that point. Still, a lot of it stems from our dysfunctional relationship and me trying to establish my own sense of self while at the same time trying to be "perfect" for everyone. It's impossible. So yes, I drank to much. Yes, I want to stop. But calling me names and belittling me is only going to make me resent and drink more- I know me. That's how I work. Tell me I can't do something and I will do it. It's not mature but it's how my brain works. Always has. It can be a great trait, or negative. I just wish he would learn to think before he speaks because more often than not, he is the source of my wanting to drink. I'm miserable at home. I sleep on the pull out sofa. I don't want sex (sorry). I don't want to be around him. It's been like this for YEARS. Before the drinking started. I just keep telling myself to make it until the kids are grown. I tried separating once, after years of verbal abuse and he went to a doctor, was diagnosed as bipolar, started meds, begged me to take him back. I did. He stopped the meds, he has maintained some changes but tonight is just a glimpse of what lies under the surface. He sends me articles about how it's the woman's job to remain cool and level headed if a marriage is to last...really? How about you NOT be a jerk in the first place?
Sorry gang. Thanks for listening...
I should say, that I drink to much when I drink, and I know this. BUT- I also take care of 98% of the household responsibilities including our children and work two jobs to make ends meet. I'm not exactly a sloppy drunk who can't do what needs to be done. I haven't had a day off in weeks, on top of being sick. Had thanksgiving with my family, everyone was drinking but me, went to work all morning today, came home, cleaned house, made homemade soup in the slow cooker, decorated for Christmas with the kids, cleaned more, did laundry, had one drink and this is the treatment I get? And it's not like he has a basis to say I've ever hurt the family, I was always a "have a few glasses of wine after work girl" then he thought I was drinking to much and I hated being controlled so I switched to vodka and hid it. In MY mind, that made it worse, I had trouble controlling myself at that point. Still, a lot of it stems from our dysfunctional relationship and me trying to establish my own sense of self while at the same time trying to be "perfect" for everyone. It's impossible. So yes, I drank to much. Yes, I want to stop. But calling me names and belittling me is only going to make me resent and drink more- I know me. That's how I work. Tell me I can't do something and I will do it. It's not mature but it's how my brain works. Always has. It can be a great trait, or negative. I just wish he would learn to think before he speaks because more often than not, he is the source of my wanting to drink. I'm miserable at home. I sleep on the pull out sofa. I don't want sex (sorry). I don't want to be around him. It's been like this for YEARS. Before the drinking started. I just keep telling myself to make it until the kids are grown. I tried separating once, after years of verbal abuse and he went to a doctor, was diagnosed as bipolar, started meds, begged me to take him back. I did. He stopped the meds, he has maintained some changes but tonight is just a glimpse of what lies under the surface. He sends me articles about how it's the woman's job to remain cool and level headed if a marriage is to last...really? How about you NOT be a jerk in the first place?
Sorry gang. Thanks for listening...
A perfect example of justification. Sorry! But in light of all the consequences we have faced as alcoholics. There is no justifying taking a drink for me.
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Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
If you made a pact that no alcohol should be in the house that he never should have brought that beer home. You are totally justified in feeling the way that you did and don't question that. Some will say that it doesn't matter what he does, it's all about you. I call bs, he did the wrong thing. Did you make the right decision by buying alcohol and drinking it? No, but you already know that and you're still very much valid in how you felt about what he did. There will come a day that you're going to have to accept that others will drink and there will be alcohol around you but for right now his bringing home that beer was blatant disrespect for what it is that you're trying to do. Now, you have to see that for what it is and you're going to have to find a way to deal with it if he does it again.
We're here with you and we understand the struggle. Alcohol will never be the answer and you know this. Don't give up, you can do this and we're here to help you
Do you see the pickle..you get sober he has used against you in the past, then when you get sober that is being used against you as well because it is infringing on his perceived rights. As many other posters have said it is hard to understand your situation in it's entirety, but he sounds like he has some major control and perhaps anger issues.
I have not had alcohol in the house since I got home from rehab in July. My husband hauled dozens of cases of wine over to a friends and threw out all the hard liquor. I can't honestly say that I would still be sober if it had been easily accessible early on.
You will read over and over here that when it comes to getting sober you have to be willing to change everything about your life. It sounds like you have a very busy life but finding face to face support sounds critical.
A spouse who treats you this way doesn't wake up one day and begin this type of behavior. It is likely that he has been undermining you subtly or not so subtly for a long time. I have a feeling the beer was a set up?
I would not waste time arguing with, cajoling or trying to make him understand. He doesn't really want that, he has demonstrated it through his actions. But I would put some energy into easing up on the overkill work ethic, that's a set up too, I know..
. Doing too much, and then getting resentful because we have overextended ourselves lays perfect groundwork to drink. I don't agree with booze is everywhere, get over it, not this early on. I think you need to get your legs under you first. If he needs to drink (why?) at home then perhaps he could leave it somewhere out of sight. I think my husband keeps some beer out by the grill, in time I believe I will be ok with it back in the house, just not now.
Keep your chin up!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I would be angry too.
The issues are so much deeper. Sounds like the workload in your home needs redistribution.
You getting sober might upset the "do everything" dynamic your husband seems to expect.
Perhaps that links to jaynie's idea of a "set up" with the beer. At the very least it is incredibly insensitive and unsupportive.
I hope you choose to let the slip go, and look much more deeply into the fundamental dynamics of this relationship.
Frankly, it doesn't sound like much of a fulfilling or fair family life for you, with or without alcohol. I really hope you use this problem as an opportunity.
Take care and don't keep beating yourself up. You did it and it's over now.
What's the next step? How about him helping more around the house and with the kids?
The issues are so much deeper. Sounds like the workload in your home needs redistribution.
You getting sober might upset the "do everything" dynamic your husband seems to expect.
Perhaps that links to jaynie's idea of a "set up" with the beer. At the very least it is incredibly insensitive and unsupportive.
I hope you choose to let the slip go, and look much more deeply into the fundamental dynamics of this relationship.
Frankly, it doesn't sound like much of a fulfilling or fair family life for you, with or without alcohol. I really hope you use this problem as an opportunity.
Take care and don't keep beating yourself up. You did it and it's over now.
What's the next step? How about him helping more around the house and with the kids?
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Originally Posted by Fandy
it sounds rather childish as you read through this....Your husband agreed to support the no booze rule, then bought some beer, this "made" you go out and buy vodka and drink yourself into oblivion? I suppose he is angry because you got drunk and won't speak to you, and now it's all his fault?
I don't know HOW you can work 2 jobs and take care of the house/kids when you are heavily drinking.
hopefully you get back on track and both of you learn from this saga. You cannot control someone else's behavior, what they eat and drink, only your own. as much as we wish for support, if you are NOT alcoholic, it is harder to understand that.
I don't know HOW you can work 2 jobs and take care of the house/kids when you are heavily drinking.
hopefully you get back on track and both of you learn from this saga. You cannot control someone else's behavior, what they eat and drink, only your own. as much as we wish for support, if you are NOT alcoholic, it is harder to understand that.
Ouch! Never said he made me do it, I took responsibility for my actions and admitted I did it because I was mad and that it was wrong. And I had one drink, I did not drink myself to oblivion. Hell, I didn't even finish the drink. But thanks for thinking the worst of me.
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Originally Posted by onthebrink
So, I slipped. My husband brought home an 18 pack of beer after we agreed on the no alcohol in the house rule. He's not an alcoholic but we had a deal. I got mad and went and got some vodka. He of course, found out about it and called me pathetic, said how dissappointed he is in me and how I'm ruining our family. Yes, I feel bad because when I start drinking I don't stop until I go to sleep but at the same time, I am working TWO jobs to his one, taking care of the kids and the house and doing everything I'm supposed to do. Should I have bought vodka, no. Should he have brought home beer? No. But I am the one who is pathetic and a lier, and making my family miserable. Really? Everyone is in bed. I've had ONE drink in weeks. But I'm pathetic and a lier and making everyone miserable?? The minute he asked what was in my glass I told him, so not lying. I told him why too. But that makes me pathetic because he can do what he wants but I can't.
Sorry, but I need to vent. I know I have a problem with controlling my intake, but I did not break the pact. I did not lie and the only person who thinks I have a problem with controlling my alcohol, besides me, is him. He certainly isn't going to persuade me to not drink by calling me pathetic. <sigh>
Sorry, but I need to vent. I know I have a problem with controlling my intake, but I did not break the pact. I did not lie and the only person who thinks I have a problem with controlling my alcohol, besides me, is him. He certainly isn't going to persuade me to not drink by calling me pathetic. <sigh>
Now what will you do?
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And FWIW, when we did talk, until 2 in the morning. He admitted he did it because he drank at Thanksgiving dinner and when he went to the store the next day he felt resentful toward me for not being able to drink any more because of me. He doesn't ever go out and drink with the guys, he's a drink 2-3 beers at night while playing video games person. He also apologized for calling me names and said that he didn't act maturely and agreed to take the booze out of the house and give it to a friend. So, childish, impulsive, reckless, whatever you want to call my behavior...maybe it did us both some good. I don't have a problem being out while others are drinking, or with him drinking while we're out. I cannot handle it in our home right now. I was a solitary drinker, not a party drinker.
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Originally Posted by Fandy
sorry, I read this to believe that you drank the bottle....glad it was only one , I read the post more carefully, the part that jumped out was " trouble controlling my intake"....but glad it was only one.
Now what will you do?
Now what will you do?
Where do I go from here? I take the good advice given above and try to realize I cannot control what he does. All I can do is control what I do. Thankfully he has agreed, again, that it is too soon for me to have alcohol in the house, that it is a huge trigger for me and he will keep it out until I can handle it.
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We have misunderstandings here, just like everywhere....
It does sound like you and hubby have some issues you need to work through in terms of each contribution to the upkeep of your household\money\etc... At least from your point of view.
It does sound like you and hubby have some issues you need to work through in terms of each contribution to the upkeep of your household\money\etc... At least from your point of view.
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Originally Posted by JaylaaKent
I realized a lot of times I drank because of how he treated me and (like anyone in society) they will use your drinking as a "trump-card" to dismiss ALL the sh*t they did/do. It's a bad place to be. Hope you can get better for you and your family - the husband? well.......that's another story.
Fact of the matter is, it's TRUE. Everyone sees it but him. I'm _lucky_ if I can get him to mow the lawn every other week. His 9-5 desk job means he does everything he's supposed to do. The rest falls on me. He comes home, goes to his computer and plays video games until it's time for bed. Has he gotten better? Yes, he kind of gets it now (like us with alcohol though, some days are better than others.) But it's taken me leaving and a lot of hard work and he still spends all evening on the computer but WILL help, begrudgingly, if I outright ask now.
Now I'm no longer a martyr, I am an alcoholic and have an addictive personality. Neither are said in a kind way. I'm thinking he wouldn't appreciate it if I called him lazy constantly. Marriages are hard, but regardless, husbands and wives should try to talk to each other with respect and not shout insults at their partner. But, this goes back to his bipolar tendencies I'm sure...he is well known for speaking before he thinks, calming down, apologizing profusely. It's kind of his MO.
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Onthebrink, it looks to me like your husband is purposely jeopardizing your sobriety. I think he is totally aware of the fact that you contribute more than your fair share in this relationship. He wants to make sure that he can keep you looking bad and feeling guilty. This keeps his behavior as well as lack of contibution towards the family out of the limelight. He wants you to look and feel like the "bad" one. The one with the problem. It wouldn't surprize me if he says these things in front of your children. If this is the case you have some serious decisions to make.
I'm sorry you are in this very tough place right now. You have every right to decide what you allow in your own home. If alcohol and drinking is so important to your husband perhaps it's more of a problem than he wishes to admit.
I'm sorry you are in this very tough place right now. You have every right to decide what you allow in your own home. If alcohol and drinking is so important to your husband perhaps it's more of a problem than he wishes to admit.
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For some reason this stuck in my head and it wasn't until later it dawned on me why, and perhaps I am stirring up the hornet's nest, but why an 18 pack, and not a 6pack? It just seems so, well, like something I would do when I was drinking?
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Originally Posted by jaynie04
For some reason this stuck in my head and it wasn't until later it dawned on me why, and perhaps I am stirring up the hornet's nest, but why an 18 pack, and not a 6pack? It just seems so, well, like something I would do when I was drinking?
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Originally Posted by foolsgold66
You silly thing. 30 packs have been out for quite a while...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
That was my attempt to get that funny guy up here....(apparently too many 30 packs ruined those brain cells...
!).
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