Husband calling me names, making me feel worse than I already do
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Originally Posted by onthebrink 
. So yes, I drank to much. Yes, I want to stop. But calling me names and belittling me is only going to make me resent and drink more- I know me. That's how I work. ...
My advice is this - take the focus off you husband and blaming him. Put the focus right back on you. You need all your energy focused on yourself. Yes, he broke the deal, that's on him. But, you could have chosen to stick to your part of the deal. And, if he is a trigger for you, which is sounds like he is, then try to distance yourself from the alcohol in your house.
I know I sound like a broken record. But, I can tell you my experience. When I stopped drinking, I was desperate to tell my family how this happened, my story. They did NOT want to talk to me at that point, just wanted their wife/mother back. So, I HAD to let go of my need to talk to them and focus on getting better. If I hadn't been able to let go of that, I would have failed at my recovery.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Onthebrink.
It's extremely difficult to live with someone who has bipolar depression, and much worse when they're not taking their meds. It's also a tremendous challenge to treat people who carry the diagnosis, in part because they are often noncompliant with their meds. They'll never tell you -- and often don't even know it -- but they're simply unwilling to surrender their manic highs.
I dated a woman like this for about a year while I was sober, until I could no longer tolerate her being consistently sullen and indifferent while depressed, and then confrontational, judgmental and simply overbearing in a manic way while manic. It didn't have to be this way, but she periodically refused to take her meds because she didn't like the way they made her feel. It wasn't all bad, given that she was sometimes quiet and emotionally available during her depressive phase, and enthusiastic and loving during her manic phases. But the good stuff became increasingly infrequent when she refused to take her meds and, as much as I loved her, I needed to set boundaries and, finally, issue an ultimatum.
Our homes should be a safe place, where we need not be concerned about what others think about us when we're supposed to be able to be ourselves. We also shouldn't have to be worried over being bullied by our loved ones, regardless of their states of mind.
I'm at a time and place in my life where I would simply not tolerate abuse of any kind from someone who abuses me habitually, particularly from someone who is noncompliant with treatment for serious psychological issues.
Not referring to you, but I read a lot of comments here from people with abusive partners who "can't" or won't leave them because they're so "in love" with the offensive and offending partner. To me, sticking around is equivalent to wasting not one life, but two.
It's extremely difficult to live with someone who has bipolar depression, and much worse when they're not taking their meds. It's also a tremendous challenge to treat people who carry the diagnosis, in part because they are often noncompliant with their meds. They'll never tell you -- and often don't even know it -- but they're simply unwilling to surrender their manic highs.
I dated a woman like this for about a year while I was sober, until I could no longer tolerate her being consistently sullen and indifferent while depressed, and then confrontational, judgmental and simply overbearing in a manic way while manic. It didn't have to be this way, but she periodically refused to take her meds because she didn't like the way they made her feel. It wasn't all bad, given that she was sometimes quiet and emotionally available during her depressive phase, and enthusiastic and loving during her manic phases. But the good stuff became increasingly infrequent when she refused to take her meds and, as much as I loved her, I needed to set boundaries and, finally, issue an ultimatum.
Our homes should be a safe place, where we need not be concerned about what others think about us when we're supposed to be able to be ourselves. We also shouldn't have to be worried over being bullied by our loved ones, regardless of their states of mind.
I'm at a time and place in my life where I would simply not tolerate abuse of any kind from someone who abuses me habitually, particularly from someone who is noncompliant with treatment for serious psychological issues.
Not referring to you, but I read a lot of comments here from people with abusive partners who "can't" or won't leave them because they're so "in love" with the offensive and offending partner. To me, sticking around is equivalent to wasting not one life, but two.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by jessie65
That's crazy. If I drank every time somebody pissed me off I'd be drunk every day.
Really?
Really?
The husband/Wife dynamic is different than any other relationship you have. The person you marry should be the person who you can tell everything to and know that they will support you, not hinder you or attack you. Just my opinion of marriage anyway.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Northeast, USA
Posts: 1,629
Hi OntheBrink,
The most ideal situation would be to have a significant other that supported you in every way possible. We really should expect no less. My own wife who desperately wants me to stop or slow down, arranged for us to go out to dinner with friends, and then go to a trashy dive bar to listen to a friend of a relative's crappy band. I had two drinks there and when she made a comment about the second one, you might say that it wasn't very supportive. What was she thinking insisting that I go there in the first place.
Well, I look at the situation and think that I should have said, NO, I can't do that... but I didn't. So what's my point? My point is that even when those around us aren't doing what we want of them, or circumstances present other temptations it's ultimately up to us to resist them in any way we can. It's easy for us to use those as an excuse and fall down again. I've done it many many times.
I'm glad you two talked. That will help but it may happen again. Before it does, make a plan to figure out a way to handle it. Leave the house, go to the gym, go for a walk, run, drive, bike. Go see a movie. Do something to make it turn out differently.
Don't give up. Just pick yourself up and start over again. The more you do that the better it will get, but it all takes time.
Goose
The most ideal situation would be to have a significant other that supported you in every way possible. We really should expect no less. My own wife who desperately wants me to stop or slow down, arranged for us to go out to dinner with friends, and then go to a trashy dive bar to listen to a friend of a relative's crappy band. I had two drinks there and when she made a comment about the second one, you might say that it wasn't very supportive. What was she thinking insisting that I go there in the first place.
Well, I look at the situation and think that I should have said, NO, I can't do that... but I didn't. So what's my point? My point is that even when those around us aren't doing what we want of them, or circumstances present other temptations it's ultimately up to us to resist them in any way we can. It's easy for us to use those as an excuse and fall down again. I've done it many many times.
I'm glad you two talked. That will help but it may happen again. Before it does, make a plan to figure out a way to handle it. Leave the house, go to the gym, go for a walk, run, drive, bike. Go see a movie. Do something to make it turn out differently.
Don't give up. Just pick yourself up and start over again. The more you do that the better it will get, but it all takes time.
Goose
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