EndGameNYC

Hi Raider, my friend.

I'm with Dee and others about feeling sad over your struggles.

We're all at different places in our sobriety and in our recovery. That's just the way things are. If I thought criticizing and being judgmental helped, then I might go that way. But it doesn't help anyone, least of all me.

What I can tell you is that I cherish every sober day I have, try to make the most of my life, having earned a second chance at it. It's as though I've traveled back in time and was given an opportunity to live a life that's much better than the one I had during and after my relapse.

I wasn't looking for SR when I found it, and I wasn't looking for help with my recovery either. I stayed because of all the good things I got out of reading many of the comments here, and for being able to offer the bit of help that I can. It soon became a part of my sober life...A place where I can count on people helping other people with their struggles. And what's better than that?

You've made some friends here, offered support and reached out when you needed help. I'm happy that you're able to stay connected and, as always, I wish you well.

Skye2

Pam SO pleased you went to the meeting Xx

jdooner

I am glad you posted. There might be a cycle here...lurking after you relapsed, building resentments then coping by drinking again.

I have found resentments are like bricks. Each one is not that significant but add a bunch up and you start to build a wall. Some may argue that wall is between you and a higher power or maybe just a cell that starts to close in? Whatever it is it seems to lead to the same dark place we can all relate too.

So perhaps the silver lining is the fact you went to the meeting and you posted tonight? How about we start here and maybe try to not be such a stranger?

In terms of not wanting sobriety, this is just the spell your under. I think you want this but are lost. Between your group and the support you have here, hopefully we can help show you a path that might work?

Mizzuno

Raider. Please know that you are not alone in your struggle. I have been there, and I understand how trying this can be. I hope that you will continue with the meetings and find some solid footing again. Please keep posting. Keep reading.

Marcher13

Yep that's what I want for you Raider -- sobriety -- and I wish I could wish it on you because it's absolutely awesome. Hugs.

digdug

All I'm going to say, Pam, is just keep going to meetings, get a sponsor if you don't have one, and start working the steps. I know they told you this in rehab. Remember what I said to you when you went off to treatment? Just follow the simple suggestions they tell you to do when you get out. Relapses may happen, but just keep coming back. It can work for you.

Praying for you tonight.

Freebird13

Wow Raider! I haven't been on SR for weeks and then something told me to come on tonight and I read this! I am seriously shocked that you relapsed. I really thought Rehab was your ticket to sobriety (for a long time anyway, if not forever). I just don't understand and I am not going to try to figure out why you relapsed. I am not going to "scold" you.

If it's any consolation, there are quite a few members in my AA group who have relapsed repeatedly and been through rehab repeatedly. Some of them haven't "got it" yet and some of them "get it" now. It's like something clicked inside some of them and they just know they will not relapse again.

As for me, I have never relapsed. I guess I am a big chicken. I am deathly scared of going through withdrawals again, but more than ever (after all I have read), I am scared of dying as my next drunk could be my last drunk.

I will pray for you and hope you "get it" some day before it's too late.

ZeldaFan

Good to hear from you Raider! Your honesty is welcome here and I wish you nothing but the best. I do hope you will continue to go to meetings and keep sobriety as an eventual goal when you feel you are ready. It's not an easy thing so you have to be in that place and you will know when you truly are.

I found this site from searching Google for "pain in lower left abdomen and greasy stool from drinking" to figure out if I was in trouble. Looking back on it, I'm not sure why I had to search if that was a problem but it led me here. Best Google search result ever!

Stay close and keep us posted on how you are doing. Be safe and be well! We all love ya!

ippochick

hey raider.

this is going to sound weird, but i knew you would be along to post just such an update. my intuition was twitching for some reason.

it doesn't have to stick first time, and you are amazing for not giving in. please remember the posts you made before rehab about the night terrors/seizures you and your husband were experiencing.

did your husband quit also? is he still drinking and were you faced with this when you got home from rehab?

stay strong and stay connected. be well.

Skye2

I actually popped back online as I couldn't get you out of my head Pam. Other than the intuition part, I was going to post exactly what Ippochick has said.
We all DO care and when one of the family is upset, we're all upset. There must be a reason why you posted at this point - build on that reason hun. Xx

Raider

Ippochick, I left rehab and came to Alaska to be with family and to be my feet under me. Well we know how that has worked out. I won't be back home in Utah until jan 6.

No, husband stopped drinking while I was in rehab. All the liquor is out of the house. And I was so worried he would drink....turns out I am the one who is the problem. I underestimated him terribly. And for that, I feel shame. Thank you.

mecanix

Alcohol leaves me feeling hopeless Raider,

Keep coming back we all got lots of hope to share

Bestwishes, m

ImperfectlyMe

Pam I'm really proud of you. I've been waiting for you to take this leap and trust all of us to help you. You can not discount the power of your SR buddies rallying around you. How's your dad holding up btw? When I say this mean it..... I pray for you everyday. You can PM me anytime you need some one on one, I'm never a tough love person. And like everyone Here I've been where you are.

SnoozyQ

Raider , I'm sorry to hear that but you have done it before and you can do it again .

You are too lovely a woman to be ravaged by alcohol.





Xx

Hawkeye13

Hi Raider;
I wonder if coming back into a situation where your SO drinks is making it that much harder.

I know for me, my early sobriety was really difficult because I was around not only someone who drank, but who was p _ _ _ed off that his drinking buddy wasn't playing anymore. This was despite that fact that my treatment of him had gotten nasty at times when I drank. Funny irony was he kept getting drunker and meaner for awhile while I fought to stay sober but his antics really made me want to drink . . .

I finally sat down and called him on it and said either you support me in my not drinking even if you are, or our relationship may need to end. Very hard to do after nearly 17 years and lots of struggles together. But I absolutely had to take care of my sobriety because I was too far down the alcoholic road and was beginning to really lose things like physical health, sleeping, getting paranoid, compromising job, and so on.

I don't know if this rings a bell but wanted to share just in case. Take care and keep posting--really missed you while you were away, and I'm glad you are back.

jaynie04

Raider, you probably aren't going to believe me, but you will someday. Where you are is so much harder than being sober. I think it is harder to live in that abyss, it is one of the loneliest, most vast and yet most claustrophobic spaces I have ever endured. I hear the struggle and the pain in your posts, and I know that this is what makes us different from people without this affliction, I understand, and so does everyone here.

Knowing that there is something better out there kind of ruins the drinking, at least it did for me. I am glad you had that experience at AA last night. I just wanted to send hugs and support.

SparkleKitty

Pam, I see your encouraging and supportive comments on the FF&A forum a lot and am very sorry to hear you are struggling right now. Sending you strength, courage, and patience as you navigate this journey. Xoxo.

Elseware

Raider, for some reason I have always been interested in you. I like your Avatar? I am with the August class and I think you posted a few times there . I am glad to know a little of your story. I don't have much to say that has not already been said. I just want you to realize even people who haven't reached out to you before are thinking of you and sending you good wishes. I am sorry you're having such a rough time of it. I am at 90 days today and things are SO much better for me. I hope you find the same experience. Lots O' Love, Elseware

sillysuzanfree

I know that for me (after many many tries) it finally came down to I HAD to get and stay sober and it didn't matter whether I wanted to or not. Nobody was giving me an ultimatum and I didn't have a plan other than to attend AA meetings and just keep going one day at a time...well it's 19 months later and I am still sober. Something finally came over me...spiritual awakening...sheer miracle? Still not sure.

So I believe it will happen for you too!

aussieblue

Raider I have been wondering how you were doing, I am so glad you decided to post. The great thing about SR is you can come here and be totally honest and the people here understand because we are all in the same boat when it comes to booze. I hope your do decide to keep posting , as you can see by the responses you are getting we do care about you.